Writer's block sucks. If you're an author, you must understand my pain. The pain of stressing yourself over words on a page or a screen, the restlessness, trying to pick out characters, and the disappointment of rejection. But, you still pick yourself up and continue to write, because why? For me, it's my passion. I love writing and showing everyone what swirls around in the creative part of my brain. It's always been my nature! But I can't get over my fucking writer's block.

It's been almost a month, and I cannot find any motivation to write. My go-to genre has always been horror, but I feel as if everything is overdone now. Monsters, killers, supernatural beings, it's all old news. You have to write something to grab someone's attention immediately, or else they'll grow bored of your story and move on. You have to have that spark to write. I know you still understand my frustration, and my writer's block has gotten so bad, I've resorted to researching online on threads for help.

Nothing. Nothing I wrote was even remotely scary. I tried watching fucked up movies from a Reddit thread like A Serbian Film and Salo. NOTHING. It was like nothing could faze me enough to give me back my spark. I noticed one of the comments on Reddit had talked about the deep web and how much fucked up shit is there. So being a desperate writer who relied on their writing to live, I dove in.

I did my research before downloading anything. I wanted to protect my identity, because god forbid I ended up on something I really didn't want to see. Luckily, another Reddit thread warned about specific websites, and I don't need to write about those here because I'm sure everyone knows which ones I'm referring to.

The first few hours I barely found anything besides the drug and gun sites. Most links I tried from the thread didn't load or didn't exist, which is probably a good thing anyway. But there was one page that had caught my attention, only because it was a black screen with a red link in the middle of the page.

"Well, this looks promising," I mumbled to myself before hesitating to click on it.

The next screen was just black with a chat box in the bottom right corner. To see the messages and join, you had to create a username, so I used "Tricky15." Please don't ask. A lot of the messages were creepy-people saying they were excited for the show and for the fresh meat. All I could think was: great, it's going to be a live feed of something gruesome. I waited a few minutes before a video popped up in the screen.

The feed was oddly crystal clear, almost HD. But what really caught my attention was that the feed looked like it was straight out of someone's living room. I raised an eyebrow as the camera panned over to a woman who was strapped down to a chair with a tarp underneath her. A figure in all black and a white mask came toward her, setting a small case on the counter to her left.

"Are you ready?" The figure spoke, their voice clearly distorted.

By the look of this person's frame, I'm sure it was a man. The woman just nodded and said yes, grinning from ear to ear. At this point I was confused, disgusted, and intrigued as the chat box blew up.

"I can't believe she's even willing!"
"I'd KILL to have a bitch like her."
"Ask her what she wants!!!!"
"You gotta love the willing victims."

Once I realized this woman was on a live feed, willingly, strapped to a chair with a masked man now running a scalpel through her hair, I felt even more intrigued. I couldn't watch this guy kill her though, even if she was willing. I closed out and ran a clean sweep through my laptop. Taking a couple deep breaths, I drummed my fingernails on my keyboard lightly and headed for bed. I didn't sleep well that night.

After a couple days of not using my laptop and still having writer's block, I contemplated going online again for more inspiration. This time, I just opened Google to look up true crime stories I could twist into my own words, but it didn't feel as authentic or original. So I explored the deep web once more, trying to retrace my footsteps to get me to the link I was before, and obviously I had zero luck - at first.

The same black screen popped up with the same red link. Before I clicked it, I wrote the link down in my notebook. Then I clicked the link, used the same username as before and watched.

Without getting into the grisly details, I watched a man get murdered. Willingly. By the same masked man. And this became a nightly ordeal for me for at least 4 nights as I took notes on every detail of these murders. It wasn't for some sexual fantasy for me to watch, I just got the thrill of knowing a true crime story that no one else did. Well, except the sick fucks that were in the chat with me. They even started talking with me, especially tonight when I sent in a question.

"What if a viewer wants to be a victim?"

The chat exploded with questions toward me instead of the feed. Asking intricate details about me after I told them I was a female. My age, height, weight, breast size, if I'm a virgin, everything - I assume because of previous victims and how they wanted to be murdered.

This man's latest victim laid out on the floor coughing up blood, her last request she could utter out was to have the man have sex with her while he slit her throat. I shook my head in disbelief, but I wasn't surprised. Two nights ago, a man wanted to die from asphyxiation while being penetrated with a large, obviously homemade sex toy. It's arousing for the willing victims, and I assume for the masked man too, or else he wouldn't be doing this.

As the woman bled out, the man pulled his pants up and moved toward the camera, just staring. He chuckled a little and backed away from the camera, pointing at it.

"Just say pretty please."

I felt a knot in my throat, damn well knowing he was speaking to me. I set my pencil on top of my notebook and typed into the chat.

"Pretty please."

The chat exploded with messages cheering me on, saying I'm such a good girl, and how this is the perfect way to go. The man started feverishly typing on a computer next to the camera and chuckled once more.

"48 hours. Be ready."

With that, the feed cut out and the site redirected me to another link. It was literally a page of instructions for me, and I wrote it down inside my notebook.

I took a deep breath and closed my laptop, trying to reassure myself it was going to be okay. This could be perfect for me.

I followed the instructions I was given, and right now I sat in front of my door, waiting for someone to come inside to murder me. The time now was 11:58 pm, and I was expecting him at midnight. For two minutes, I paced back and forth trying to calm my nerves until I heard a knock at the door. I hesitated, but quickly ran into my living room where I had tarps, my camera and laptop, and a chair where I sat in. I put my hands behind my back in the chair and yelled for him to come in, as instructed.

"Um... are you?"

"Yes." The man already had his mask on as he entered my empty living room. He closed and locked the door behind him as he took in the surroundings. "Neighbors?"

"All the houses around me are abandoned."

"Perfect."

Without hesitating, like I did, he began removing items from the metal case from his previous feeds. He pulled out different varieties of knives and a few scalpels, but my eyes focused on one specific knife, and I knew it was a filet knife.

He began setting up my camera and my laptop to do the live feed of my murder, and I started to fill with excitement.

"Pretty, pretty. We're live. Let's get you tied up -" As he turned to face me, I had already been squatting on my chair with the knife in my hand. I knew I was in perfect view of the feed, so I gave in to my desires.

I pounced on him, sliding the knife directly into his Adam's apple. I dug the knife around in a circle as he flayed his arms, trying to knock me off of him as blood spewed from the open would in his throat. I masked his gurgling with screaming as his body fell backwards, limp and still spewing blood. Still holding the knife in my hand, I wiped blood from my face, slicing my cheek in the process. Turning back toward the live feed, I couldn't help but bounce up and down with joy at the shocked comments from my new viewers.

"As much as I want to stay and chat, I need to finish my work."

With that being said, I closed down my laptop and camera, retrieving my notebook and pencil.

Staring back down at the body, I couldn't help but be proud of myself. Not only did I murder a monster, but I found the premise of my new story. I will admit, I'm going to dread cleaning this mess, but I no longer have writer's block. Who knows? Maybe there will be a sequel! Because I mean...

It's only a story, right? 

Author's Note: 

I previously wrote this on another tumblr blog (bustlunnylove) and submitted it to the blog fifteenhours-creepystories. A female author has writer's block, so she turns to the deep web for inspiration on her new horror novel. After finding a live video of willing victims that wanted to be murdered, she takes it upon herself to "become" one herself. But the man participating in these murders doesn't know he's actually the willing victim when he shows up at her house.