Chapter 19 - Rachel Stark

After a beautiful ride through the city, we finally made it back to the apartment complex. 

The few days between the attack and now Steve and I as well as the rest of the group were spent at the base, keeping a close watch on Loki and filling out lots of paperwork. A portion of the population of New York was not too happy that aliens destroyed everything and that we were there. Their blame for the attack rested on us and we took as much criticism as we could until Tony promised to donate a sizable fortune to help restore the city. The local and federal governments were not too happy with us either, but Fury and the council at S.H.I.E.L.D. work out an agreement for us. 

Once we finally make our way to our apartment doors, I look over to Steve who looks about as tired as I feel. He catches me looking over at him and smiles. 

"See you in a minute," I say, opening my door. I stumble through the doorway, kicking off my shoes. I sigh and make my way to the bathroom, turning the knob on the shower all the way to hot. 

I quickly peel off my clothes and bandages, hopping in. I start to wash my hair, releasing a huge breath that I didn't know I was holding. My lungs suck in a huge breath as tears begin to fall silently from my eyes. I press them tightly shut, trying to get myself to stop, but I can't.  

My brain flashes through the events that happened over the past week. I watch myself get shot, feeling both my arm and my thigh throbbing under the pressure of the hot water. I watch Loki hit the glass wall of his cage, threatening me. I watch Steve fly out of a window and crash to the ground. Tony flies into a gaping hole in the sky and comes crashing down. My breath becomes ragged and I slide down the wall of the shower. I breathe heavily, the hot air around me suffocating as I descend into a panic. I quickly pull my knees into my chest, trying to get my breathing back to normal. 

The more I try to calm down, the more things flash in front of my eyes. I turn the water cold, feeling the wet drops hit me. Focusing on each place the water hits me allows me to push my thoughts to the back of my mind. Slowly, I stand, keeping one hand on the wall for balance. My breathing slows as I switch the shower off. 

I reach my hand out, feeling for my towel. I dry off slowly, my brain still in a haze. I pad over to my room and grab my grey Midtown Science and Technology hoodie, one that I have had since my brief time there. I grab a black pair of shorts and throw them on. 

As soon as I am dressed, there is a soft knock at my door. I walk softly over to the door and open it, knowing it is Steve. He looks as if he has showered too, small droplets of water grace the ends of his hair and they shimmer in the dim light of my apartment. I break my gaze and move out of the way, letting him through the door. 

"I don't know what to make and I have no good fixings in my fridge, can I take a peek in yours?" he asks, already making his way over to the kitchen. I nod silently, letting him search for food. I walk over to my couch and lay down, silently staring up at the ceiling. Steve says something to me from the kitchen but all I hear is a murmur as I fall asleep. 

Steve's POV

"I don't know what to make and I have no good fixings in my fridge, can I take a peek in yours?" I ask, walking through the door. I look over to Rachel who nods and makes her way over to the couch. I watch her carefully as she lays down. "I think I might make some chicken sandwiches, does that sound alright?" I ask, making my way over to her slowly. When I peer over the back of the couch, I see Rachel peacefully asleep. 

I smile to myself and quickly grab a blanket off of her bed. I walk it back into her living room and carefully tuck it around her. I grab the fixings I need from her kitchen and walk out quietly. 

Something has been different between us since we left for the Helicarrier a week or so ago. I feel a strong connection to her that I didn't feel before this. As I start to cook, I think back on that day. Watching her get shot in the leg was the first pang of pain I'd feel that day. Seeing her face as she struggled to stay up hurt me so much, to the point where I was extremely tempted to just run her into a building and stay with her until the whole attack was done. 

She is the smartest, kindest, and toughest woman I have ever met. Thinking about Rachel gives me goosebumps, sends shivers up my spine, and always makes me smile. My mind quickly flashes back to minutes before we landed in New York when her hand was in mine. My heart had gone crazy when she took my hand, I didn't know what to do. Every hair on my neck stood when I looked at her. 

My thoughts run wild as I finish up the meal, trying to get it done quickly, not realizing that almost three hours had passed. I hear a soft knock on the door and walk over. I open the door to a very worn-looking Rachel. My whole body tenses as she looks up at me, offering a small grin. 

"Um, Steve. Can I come in?" she says, looking somewhat expectantly. I shake my head, realizing I had been staring at her for a bit too long, and move out of the way. She pads through the door and takes a seat on one of the stools at my counter. She is wearing a grey hoodie which makes her blond hair look like it was glowing in the light. I shut the door behind me and made my way over to the counter, beginning to dish out our meal. 

"How long was I out?" she asks, resting her head in the palm of her hand, leaning forward in her seat. I look up to the clock, confirming to myself what I had realized before. 

"Almost three hours," I say with my back still turned to her. "Did you get good sleep?" I hear her chuckle behind me. I turn around and lean my back against the counter, staring over at her. 

"You know me, Steve, I never get good sleep anymore," she says, fiddling with a strand of hair. The small smile from her face disappears as she focuses more on her hair. I sigh. 

"Rach," I say and she looks up, "Are you alright? You seem really far off right now," I say, crossing my arms in front of me. Her eyes turn sad, sending a dagger through my chest. She takes a deep breath in and pulls the sleeves of her sweatshirt down past her fingertips. She pulls her feet up to meet her chest, balancing her whole body on the seat. 

"I... don't know," she says, looking down again. "I feel.. shocked, sort of. Shocked at how quickly everything happened and then went away. Sure, the city needs to be repaired, streets need to be cleaned. But there is something different. I feel like this isn't over." I stand there, stunned. 

"What do you mean, 'this isn't over?" I ask, confused. She just shakes her head and makes a sweeping motion with her hand. 

"I... don't know, Steve. But I don't think I want to talk about it anymore today," she says, looking back down to her hands. I sigh and bring her plate over to her. She silently begins eating as I sit next to her. After a long silence, I take a breath in. 

"What is going on in that head of yours?" I ask, pushing my empty plate away. She looks up and I give her the warmest smile I can muster, though I fear she can see the worry in my eyes.

Rachel's POV

I look up to see Steve smiling over at me, the worry pooling in his eyes. I flash a small smile back, hoping that is enough to show that I'm okay. 

"I think... what I am feeling... is abandonment," I say, the surprise making its way into my voice. Steve leans back and rests his chin in his palm expectantly. "I don't know. Something about seeing everybody leave today triggered something inside of me. Now I am afraid that I am going to be left here all on my own."  

"What makes you think I'd leave you?" he says quietly with his eyes cast down at his empty plate. His statement throws me off. I look over at him, hoping he would explain himself, but he doesn't. His eyes just wander around the apartment, making their way to finally land on me. 

"I don't know," I say, trying to follow my thoughts. "I feel conflicted. The last person I felt these things about, they beat me. Well, you know that. But I really don't feel like going through that again. And I know you'd never do that but I just..." 

"Woah wait. You're rambling. What are you trying to say?" Steve says, his eyes sharp on mine, searching through them to try and find something unspoken. I press my lips together and sit up straighter. I think I just let too much slip. 

"Um, I was just going through some stuff in my head. I somehow stumbled onto my ex who I told you about before. His name was David. I-I guess I just was thinking about that." I say, desperately trying to cover up my slip. Steve is still just sitting there, confusion etched into each of his features. "Well, I am going to go. Thanks for dinner Steve," I say, standing up and moving my plate into his sink. 

I hear some light protesting as I open the door, but my mind is moving too quickly to pick up the exact words he is saying. I walk through the frame and try to pull the door closed behind me, but a large super soldier was holding it, stopping it from closing. 

"Rach, what is going on?" Steve asks. I look back up at him, conflicted. If I tell him how I really feel, our friendship could be ruined. And if he doesn't feel the same way, imagine how awkward that would be. I quickly try to cover up my feelings that are written all over my face and shoot him a shy smile. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, Steve," I say softly, giving the door a soft tug and pulling it closed behind me.