QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER:

  "We all do things we desperately wish we could undo. Those regrets just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change that, well, it's like chasing clouds."
― Libba Bray

Dedication: @therapy- (for her comments. Check her story Phone Calls!)

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CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

You may live only once but believe me, you don't die once.

Sometimes your heart starts to pound against your chest so fast that it would be the same if it stopped. Sometimes you die because of felicity, and it is worth every moment of your life. It's one of those moment you wish you would never wake up again. But sometimes, it's because of regret; that burdening emotion which is equal to guzzling a bottle of vodka all at once – and it feels the worst. At those moments, death becomes terrifying.

Apparently, in the morning when I wake up beside Richard in a room that I had no idea how I've ended up in and with a massive hangover, I experience the latter version of death. The burdening one – the terrifying. I blink several times to make sure it's not a nightmare, wishing it is. Yet the scene in front of me never changes – I never happen to transport into my own bed.

I don't need the wise man to tell me we've done it. Slipping my fingers into my messy hair and letting out a nervous laugh, I throw the sheet off, getting up with haste. I pull on my dress, which was thrown on the ground, in a quick way, glancing over my shoulder back at Richard to check if he's still sleeping. His back is turned at me and I can hear him snoring softly. I look at myself in the mirror beside the door and all I see is a fucked-up girl in every possible way.

Finally everything was going smoothly. I have fixed my relationship with my family, I've found the guts to tell Calvin that I love him. My life felt perfect for a moment but I'm allergic to perfection, therefore life does everything to screw me over.

I try to remember last night but it's all blank. I don't remember how I ended up with Richard and this room – I was searching for a bathroom. I remember telling Calvin that I'll leave early though. I let out a sigh; at least he thought I am home. Thinking he might have sent a message to let me know that he's gotten home last night, I search for my cell in the room. Eventually I realise it on the nightstand next to where Richard is sleeping so I slowly get on the bed again, leaning over him to reach it.

A hopeful thought crosses my mind at that moment. Perhaps he was as drunk as me – otherwise why did we even do this? So if I disappear on time, he'll remember nothing and I will not have to tell anyone. Not Calvin. I'll not be so screwed over after all. I smile at my own idea and it seems almost perfect until a hand grabs my wrist as I withdraw my arm with the cell in my hand.

I throw a horrified look at Richard and he keeps looking at me sharp. "Where do you think you're going?" His sleepy voice echoes in my ear for a while and I think I'm finally caught. It was so perfect to dream that he won't wake up anyway. I withdraw my hand quickly, getting out of bed and walking to the door. I still have time, I tell myself, I can flee. I gaze down at my cell and I notice I have a message from Calvin.

Sent at 1:03 am. I'm home. Jack I'm so sorry for tonight. I hope you're not so mad at me. I know how to make it up though. ;)

It shatters my heart into pieces. I am disgusted with myself. I glance back at Richard who is still intently watching me. I take a breath before replying. "Richard, do you remember what happened last night?" This is the worst question ever.

"I don't but it is,"—he gazes my face—"obvious."

I sit on the edge of the bed and sigh. "What do we do now?" I shake my head dismissively. "Forget it, I know what we do. We forget about it and don't tell anyone."

He frowns and in turn looks down. "I don't remember if we used protection."

I closed my eyes with embarrassment. I've never thought this would be the thing I'd discuss with Ric. "I'll leave you to it," I say sharply. "And I'll take after-pill, whatever." I stand up immediately, heading towards the door and gripping the hold. Then, I remember something – I remember the game, the sketch book and all. When I face him, he is looking at me. "Why did you draw me?"

"I wanted to."

"Ric, I don't – don't want you to develop sudden feelings for me. Especially after this."

He rolls his eyes. "I don't, Pierce, don't worry. Last night was a mistake,"—he smiles—"and it'll stay that way. I won't mention a soul."

"Fine. Thank you."

"So, we are the same?"

"Actually," I reply, "it'd be better if we didn't talk for a while."

"Why not?" His tone is angry.

I laugh bitterly. "You make me feel guilty." I can't keep seeing him around and be the same. What I've done is too wrong. "And I don't even know why I've agreed to that game last night. It was obvious that it'd end like this. I was so pissed off and we were drunk. It meant nothing. I finally reached the stage I wanted with Calvin and I'm not going to let this go."

"Are you the only guilty one in this though? Didn't he ditch you last night?"

"It was – he had science project."

"In a damn party, yes," he says sardonically.

"I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have drunk too much either – he didn't lead me to anything, stop blaming him." I yell at him.

He gets up and walks near me. "If you let me," he says, "I'll take a shower. Unless you want to join."

I throw daggers at him and vacate the room, shutting the door behind. I don't get how he manages to be cocky after all that's happened. No, Jack, forget it – if you remember, you'll find yourself telling Calvin and we wouldn't want that.

Getting out of Richard's house, I walk to mine which takes like fifteen minutes. When I get home, my mother welcomes me with a worried expression. "Where were you last night?"

"At the party," I say, faking a smile.

"I thought you'd return by midnight."

"Things got a bit out of control," I explain, which is technically true but she'll never get what I truly mean. "I spent the night there."

She smirks at me, drying the dishes with a towel and placing them to the drawer over her head. I feel guilty but I can't tell her just yet. Not when I haven't stomached the shame myself. "Oh-kay."

I roll my eyes and she throws a laughter. "I'll be in my room," I say when I head upstairs.

***

Hours spent by biting nails, yelling against pillows, punching walls and repeating the actions. I pulled my hair due to frustration and damned myself several times. I can't forget this morning, waking up next to him – waking up to my death. The funny thing is I've destroyed my own happiness with my bare hands just in one night. I must have been a cruel bitch to do this to Calvin. He deserves anything but this.

I am the fucking fucked-up bitch ever.

Yet I can't help myself and call Calvin. Despite everything, I missed him so much and I remind myself that he has no idea what's going on and let it stay that way. He picks up after a few rings.

"Jack." His voice makes me feel better and worse at the same time. I have never believed that

"Hey," I say softly. "What are you up to?"

"I was playing with Sue,"—I hear her voice in the background calling his name—"and she wants to make cookies now."

I giggle at the thought. Suddenly an idea crosses my mind. "Can I join you guys?"

After a pause, he answers, "Sure, we'd love that."

An hour later, I am at his door waiting for someone to open. That's Sue who opens the door and a bright grin quirks up her little face. She has chocolate on the edge of her mouth and she wears a pink apron. "Hey Jackie Cookie, come in!" Leaving the door open, she walks back to the kitchen.

With a grin on my face, I walk in with her through kitchen to spot Calvin there with a spoon and bowl in hand. He doesn't notice me and keep mixing as Sue looks at me and giggles. It's the matter of time that he lifts up his head to meet mine and a genuine smile covers his lips. Then an arrow is stuck in the back, right into my heart. I wish it were real and killed me. I try to imagine how he'd react if he learnt – but I can't.

I can't bear thinking what he'd say or do if he learnt.

His voice distracts me from my thoughts. "Welcome,"—he drops the bowl and hugs me—"we planned to bake cookies before you come but you're early."

Sue looks at me intently and I wipe off the edge of her lip. "You've already started to taste, huh?" She giggles and looks up at Calvin. "Cal, I'll watch Powerpuff Girls. Tell me when cookies are ready."

"Your wish is my command, princess," I shout after her laughingly.

"You're spoiling her."

"Come on, a little spoil won't kill anyone." I wink and watch him prepare the cookies and put them into the oven. "So," I try to make a new conversation. "did you sort out your project?"

"Oh, yes,"—he smiles—"actually we have already done most of it but Stella was a bit too worried if we won't make it on time."

"Yeah," I reply, "it's obvious since she brought it up in a party."

He glances at me with knitted eyebrows and leans against the stall. "You shouldn't have left."

I let out a breathy laugh. "Me? You should've explained her that party is the last place to talk about schoolwork."

"I told her, Jack. If you didn't leave so early..."—he sighs—"I was actually looking for you. I asked people and they said they didn't notice you. I gathered you were already gone. I felt terrible for leaving you alone."

No, Calvin, don't. You make me feel even worse. "It's okay," I say dismissively. "It isn't important now." I fake a soft smile. "I had to go home early anyway." A pregnant silence kicks in afterwards. I don't know why but I can't fake happiness around him. I should, I remind myself, because we wouldn't want him to learn.

"Is something wrong?" He asks as if he is a mindreader.

"No," I retort immediately. "I'm fine. Why?" I even glue a convincing laugh on my face.

"I don't know,"—he shrugs as he checks the cookies—"I just, you know, felt it." Damn your feels.

"I'll go check on Sue," I let him know and leave the kitchen. Sue is watching the show so dedicatedly that I don't want to disturb her. I sit beside her and get her under my arm. She looks at me and smiles. "What happened to that dude you were telling me about?"

"Who?" She asks, alarmed.

"You said you were in lurve."

"I said I had a crush, Jackie," she huffs but I know she isn't mad at me. "He doesn't like me back." I notice her face falls and she hugs me tighter.

"He's so stupid then."

"Really you think that?" She asks me, raising her chin.

"Yeah, who wouldn't like you?"

"He likes Callie, the most beautiful girl in the class."

"Who says she's the most beautiful? I bet you are."

"Boys like her better, Jackie. I don't really care about being the beautiful. She's dumb, and I don't need boys anyway."

I squeeze her arm. "This is my girl."

"Cookies are ready!" Calvin shouts from kitchen.

"Except for your brother, of course," I wink and she laughs back. I don't want the scene to change. I want to be stuck in the moment with them or rewind time and change the morning. But neither will happen and I will have to face this problem sooner or later. Even if Richard doesn't tell a soul, I won't be able to shut my thoughts. I'll admit Calvin myself.

And maybe if he learns it meant nothing and I was so drunk, he'll forgive me.

***