QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER:

"Fathers should make you feel safe."

― Karen Cushman, The Loud Silence of Francine Green

Dedication: @blarkey (because she's my witty reader.)

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CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

Later that evening, I am lying on my grandma's lap as she is caressing my hair. Mum went upstairs after saying that she felt so tired and she was going to rest. I know how terrible it is for her to deal with; loss of her father.

"Grandma?"

"Yes dear," she murmurs, her fingers playing with my hair and it makes me feel surprisingly better.

"Where is Levi?"

"He has left in the morning when you were gone - where were you? - and he said that he'll come visit again...later."

"I was at a friend's," I answer. "Yeah, fine."

"Are you friends with Levi now?" She asks me. I know she's skeptical after all; yeah, she knows what happened between us. I used to tell her everything and she helped me a lot with her advices. One reason why I didn't go back to Brighton after the incident was that my grandparents continued to see Levi and his family. To me, it was rude - after all the things he had done to me. But right now, I get where they are coming from. Levi respected them as his own and because of me, they couldn't just give up on him. My grandpa didn't know about what happened of course but my grandma lost her previous interest in him after it. Levi tried so hard to gain it back, more than he's ever tried to gain my forgiveness, but my grandma has never treated him as before.

"Friends? No. But he thinks so."

She snickers.

I laugh back. "But I don't hate him as before."

"And why is that?" She always asks questions like a therapist. She tries to dig in and learn everything.

"Perhaps my attraction towards him faded away."

"Which means it moved on someone else, hmm?"

"Grandma," I protest. "Just ask it right away."

She laughs. "Okay then, what did I miss, Jacqueline?"

"Many things." I sigh, thinking about how much it passed and how many events I collected to tell her. "First off, people call me Jack anymore."

She grimaces. "Jack? Why do they call my daughter a boy name?" I love how she calls me her daughter.

"Because she wants it herself." She lifts her eyebrows. "Well, long story. But I'd much prefer if you called too."

"I'll call you Jacqueline, dear, not Jack. Nothing ever changes that."

I knew this will happen. "Okay then," -I sit up and face her- "After that summer in Brighton, I started to change. Be more violent, careless and all..." I tell her everything I have in mind: punching boys and girls, becoming a horror around school, threatening people, ditching classes... Long story short, I tell her Jack's story. Along the way, I tell her about how alone I felt. How my parents didn't care enough to care about me. How they neglected me.

"Darling, I am sorry." Her face falls as her eyes are fixed on me. "But it doesn't mean you have to pour it down on others, it is wrong. This isn't my daughter - this isn't my Jacqueline. I don't want to hear about you being violent again. You can't just punch people. It is wrong." She shakes her head with each word and her face is filled with sorrow and disappointment. I've never thought she would take it that serious. Maybe the situation is very serious but I'm used to it so much that I don't care hurting people anymore.

I keep on telling her as if she'd not just warned me. "One day, during a fight,"-her gaze becomes sharp on me-"I met someone - that offered to help me clean my wounds and all. He also tried to stop the others; at that time it came off so foolish. He came off so...annoying. I don't know why but I accepted it and let him clean my wounds. After then, he happened to be around me a lot. He just appeared from nowhere and became the centre of my life, you know that feeling? And I didn't even want that in the first place. The more I told him to go the more he came to me. It was insane and I hated it - maybe I didn't when I think clearly on that now. I just wanted someone to be there for me and when he was, I tested him in my own way. Without realisation. I wanted him to prove himself, like if I pushed him away, would he come back? He did. He told me that I'm worth the fight. That he would fight for me."-I smile with remembrance-"And I believed him. You can't even imagine how easy to believe him and how hard to resist."

She pressed her hand onto mine with a grin. A knowing grin. "I can," she says softly as she pushes a bit of my hair behind my ear.

"Then, he told me that he likes me,"-my voice falls-"and he got me terrified - after promising that he would fight for me, he chose the easiest way to destroy everything: love. I was pretty mad at him and I insisted that we should remain friends. He tried to change it but I was too stubborn. Then, we suddenly grew apart - like we didn't talk as much as before and he didn't come to me. It was the moment I knew that I was at the bottom - I've already fallen," I whisper, my eyes teary. "But I didn't want it, grandma. I felt so sinful - so weak. Although I didn't say it loud, it managed to destroy what we had. It separated us."

Her grip tightens on my hand.

"I went to him today," I say, looking down. "I said I love him." I let out a breathy laugh. "He didn't believe me at first - he thought I was too depressed because of my grandpa. But then, he did."

"What's his name?" I look up at her. "I want to meet him."

Without a word, I hug her. She's been a good listener and my best supporter. After some minutes, I withdraw. "Calvin."

"Pretty name." She smiles and she pats my shoulder. "So someone managed to steal my Jacqueline's heart? Eventually! I've been waiting for so long."

I giggle. "Grandma!"

"Is he serious?"

I gasp. "We aren't even dating!"

She shrugs. "We didn't date with your grandpa either but you know we married."

"It - it's different. So different." This woman is crazy. "Don't you say anything around him." I raise my index finger at her.

"You can't threaten me Jacqueline; your spell doesn't work on me."

I sigh. "Grandpa would laugh at us right now - God, I miss him so much." Leaning closer, I hug her again.We stay like that for a while. I've never felt like home for a long time. Grandma makes me feel better - I'm so glad to have her with me. If she weren't here, I could never handle my grandpa's death.

"You know what? Your mother was like you when she was at your age. Rebellious, reckless and she accused of being careless parents."

"Mum? Seriously? But you're the most caring parents ever."

"Maybe not parents but grandparents."

"I refuse to believe it." It feels so surreal that my mother was like me - she's the total opposite right now.

"When she was pregnant with you, she mulled over the idea of abortion very much. Because she didn't want to marry, neither did your father, and I was going too harsh on her. I now realise that. When I learnt about that, it wasn't easy news to stomach. My daughter was pregnant with someone and she wasn't even married at all. But I know I couldn't let her get rid of it - you - so I forced her to give birth."

"Maybe it'd be easier for her to take abortion."

"But you were almost three months old, Jacqueline,"-her chin shivers-"you were alive. I couldn't let her kill my grandchild no matter what."

"Did she hate me?" I inquire - it hurts so much that she didn't even want me in the first place. They don't really love each other, do they? Maybe that is why my father is never home regularly - he might have another affair that they hide from me, who knows?

"She didn't - when she held you in her arms, I know she loved you to death. She still loves you. But maybe she's mad at herself she couldn't be a good mother. She was so young to embrace the responsibility of a child or so I thought. I didn't let her look after you. I did it myself. Your father was supportive enough, thankfully, he would've left too."

"No - my mother didn't do this alone. Of course he had to man up and take care of his own child."

"It was rushed, Jacqueline," she elaborates. "I'm not even sure they wanted each other enough to marry. It was forced on both sides and I am even surprised that they didn't divorce till now."

"Does my father see someone else?"

"No, of course not. He would never cheat on your mother - he's not that shallow."

"Why isn't he here, then? Her father died - isn't he supposed to be beside her?" I am already nervous at him and I can't help blurting out what I feel.

"I bet he has some valid explanations-"

"She's right." Someone says and it's not grandma. That is Dad.

"Dad," I breathe, turning around. He's standing at the doorway with his jacket in hand and he seems exhausted. I feel ashamed of talking about him behind his back. There is only one way to change that. "Why weren't you here? I wonder what's your valid reason not to be around." My voice comes off more venomous than I thought it would.

I feel my grandma's warning touch on my arm but I am too mad to cease.

"Don't tell me it's work because it's a total bullshit."

"Jacqueline." My grandma again. On the other hand, Dad is staring at me but I can't analyse whether he's pissed off or sad. He just stares blankly, standing not different from a hanger at the door.

"That's okay," my father starts off after sometime. "She's right." He clears his throat. "I know what you try to tell me but that's not something I'd do to your mother or you. Do you really think that low of me?"

"I don't know what to think."

"I'm sorry - I couldn't be a good father..."

"Do you care about me?" He stops for a minute. "Do you?"

"Of course I do," he says softly. "You are my daughter - my only princess." He sighs, walking towards me. "Jacqueline, I'm sorry baby. I should've interacted more but I swear I did everything for you. To provide you a decent future and go around for your necessities. It was all I wanted."

"I need you, Dad. Just you."

With that, he hugs me and I let him hold me like that for a while before I hug him back.

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