When it comes to grief, some days are harder than others; that much is a well known fact. The following Friday morning was one of those days for Ash which really sucked considering the amazing night she had had the previous day.

She somehow managed to make it out of bed, even though she wanted nothing more than to lay there and slowly die. Moving mechanically and without enthusiasm, she went about her morning routine and with a few minutes to spare, she got into the car and waited until Caleb was done with his breakfast which he basically scarfed down so he would not keep her waiting.

Caleb gave her a empathetic look when he finally made it into the vehicle but he didn't say anything. He had seen these symptoms before and he recognized them for what they were. He felt them too but he was trying to be strong for both of them and while it hurt him to see her as she was, he could do nothing about that. Not until she was ready to let him in.

Driving in silence, they made the journey to school without saying a word to each other. It didn't mean they didn't communicate. Even without sharing eye contact, he knew her thoughts and she knew his. And there was a deep sadness to both.

As soon as Caleb turned the engine off, Ash was out the door.

Ms Applebaum was already in class, standing by the door when Ash got there.

"Good morning," she said.

The older woman was clearly in shock at the lacklustre greeting Ash sent her way before she moved past her to take her seat which was unlike the Ash she knew who did not pass up an opportunity to slip in a sexual innuendo or five and compliment the most obscene things.

Throughout her lecture she continued to cast worried looks in Ash's direction but when Ash wasn't pretending to ignore it, she did ignore it. On the back page of her notebook she wrote one sentence over and over: This means nothing.

Ms Applebaum didn't even call her out on her lack of attention which she usually did—although usually was when she caught Ash staring shamelessly at her lady parts. Today Ash gave her as much attention as she gave the bazillion year old Miss Tate or perhaps Mr Griffin with his very distracting receding hairline.

When the bell went, Ash was the first one bolting for the door, slipping her mostly unused notebook back into her backpack halfway out the room.

"Ash!" Olivia Applebaum's voice pierced across the room effectively freezing Ash at the door. That voice that intrigued Ash did little more than irritate her now. Still she turned. "See me after school."

Dammit!

Ash flashed a patronising smile and disappeared into the crowded hallway.

Her mood sunk even lower as the day progressed.

Mr Duncan's jokes were not funny. Mrs Smith was absent and her substitute was no fun to mess with. Practical Biology wasn't fun, not even when Britney threw up over the preserved toad corpse she was supposed to be dissecting.

Even the sun seemed to shine a little less today.

The only thing that seemed to spark a little light was History and not because Mr Griffin was wearing a toupee although that was rather unsightly. It was because she sat a few tables away from Hailey. Just seeing the freckled beauty made her lips twitch a little.

Still, not even Hailey or the memory of the night they'd had yesterday—which rose up like leaves in the wind—could truly lift her mood.

By the end of History, Ash had covered two pages with the words: This means nothing, and had not been able to hold Hailey's gaze despite the fact that she had glanced over at her.

She feared that Hailey would begin to feel like Ash was no longer interested but even that could not motivate her enough to talk to Hailey. The best she could do was take her hand and squeeze it for just a second before she snuck out of the class. She needed time alone.

One thing was clear, she should not have come to school today.

*****

Hailey started to worry when lunch time came and Ash was still nowhere to be found. Her girls could not tell her whereabouts either and the other person who might have known; her brother, had apparently skipped school after fourth period and he had done so alone which meant Ash was likely still on school grounds.

Hailey could not understand the reasons for Ash's behavior. She was not selfish enough to believe that it had something to do with her but she was not emotionally secure enough for the thought not to cross her mind once or twice. Whatever Ash was going through was serious. She had not flirted with Ms Applebaum or made thinly veiled mockery of Mr Griffin's hair or even attempted to make Chemistry with Ms Tate interesting according to her classmates she had asked. Now she was completely blowing off lunch which meant it wasn't about the classes.

While Ash's teammates had been unable to tell her location, they had been helpful enough to offer her a seat with them—especially since Cait was now in a one week relationship with Cooper—, stating that as far as Ash had hooked up with her she was family, even if Ash wasn't there. But Hailey found that she could not sit through lunch without knowing where Ash was and knowing that wherever she was, she was hurting.

As she went from classroom to empty classroom, Hailey found herself playing back the last words the girls had said. That was after she had declared her intention to go find her.

"I don't think that's advisable." It was Maddie who had spoken. When the others began to give her strange looks, she explained, "I mean what if she's gone loco?" Apparently that was something the others understood because their faces paled.

That was when Hailey found out that Ash had anger issues.

"She put a girl in the hospital the last time it happened," Kira said.

Serious anger issues.

"That girl was Maddie," Tiana added solemnly.

Really serious anger issues.

"Guys, come on. It was only a broken arm. And you know why she did it."

And that was when she found out that Ash had intended to put a cheerleader in the hospital that day. Maddie had been caught in the middle trying to stop her.

Her thoughts lingered on the final words Maddie had uttered, taking her away from the other girls before she did:

"I'd suggest you give her space if that is the case. She'll talk when she's ready. It's one of those things I wish I could have done when we were together."

So at the door to the roof, Hailey stopped, her hand hovering over the door knob.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to give her some space to deal.

Without another thought, Hailey turned and walked away.

On the other side of the door was a broken hearted girl sitting on a ledge.

*****

Ash took another hit of the cigarette held between precariously between her fingers. Then again everything about her in that moment was hanging precariously, and mostly quite literally too.

The winds billowed, seeping through her pores but she remained as motionless as a stone gargoyle except for the occasional movement of hand to mouth.

She sat where she knew she'd be undisturbed, facing the back of the building. The only people that ventured there went to get high or get a quickie in and none of those people tended to look up. Briefly, she entertained the possibility of someone looking up to find her there and causing a ruckus. Snuffing out the thought along with her third cigarette, she tried to empty her thoughts. Tried to gather herself enough to make it through the rest of the day. She wasn't having any luck.

Not that she had expected to make any headway. She knew there was nothing that could make her feel better.

Deciding, as the bell went signifying lunch over, to fuck it and end the day as she had started it: a detached, mindless zombie, she got to her feet and stretched out her arms.

A startled scream from the ground floor almost made her take the quick way down to the pavement. She looked down again and found a guy with a familiar face looking up at her—one of the soccer boys—, his joint falling from his fear-stricken hands.

Well that is just a waste of cheap high, Ash thought as she stepped down from the ledge and walked back into the building.

School was over soon and Ash could not get out of her final period class fast enough.

She was ready to ditch everything. Soccer practice, her appointment with Ms Applebaum, even Hailey. All she wanted was for the day to be over.

She was at her locker, jamming in her books without any proper attention to arrangement when someone slammed into it, shutting it and almost taking her fingers clean off in the process.

Ash looked up, taking a moment to say a quick prayer for the poor soul who had chosen the wrong day to be stupid, but then she realized as the aforementioned poor soul crumpled to the floor that he had been thrown into her locker.

Tracing his trajectory she found the person responsible: Tyler Reynolds; school bully, infamous truant, self appointed king of detention and otherwise ambitionless prick.

Flanking him were his two friends whose names she had not considered important enough to commit to memory. One was Chipped Tooth, the other was Hair Gel.

She cocked her head as she looked at him. Then she said one word Tyler had probably never heard said to his face before.

"Apologize."

To his credit he smiled sheepishly and quickly said,

"Sorry, Ash."

But that wasn't enough. Not today.

"To him," she clarified, nodding towards what's-his-face on the ground behind her.

"'Scuse me?" he asked.

"I said apologize to him, Tyler."

He laughed and his cronies echoed his laughter like a bad VCR tape.

"You're crazy."

"Say that again."

He turned to his goons, his amused expression asking one question, 'What is wrong with this chick?'

On other days, maybe she would have let that fly. Maybe she wouldn't have even cared if Tyler had smashed the poor sod right through her locker. This wasn't like other days. Today she was crazy.

"I said, you're cra—"

He didn't speak any further, mostly because it's quite difficult to do so with a faceful of fist.

Her fist was halfway to his face before she realized she had thrown a punch. Tyler's head snapped to the side and the rest of his body followed as her knuckles connected with his face.

"You wanna see crazy? I'll show you crazy."

Her mind went white-hot with rage. She had snapped.

Before she could throw herself at him without even questioning her odds against three boys, two arms hooked under hers and she was half lifted, half dragged away from Tyler. When they were a distance away, her handlers let her go but shoved her back as a precaution, putting themselves between her and the guy whose eyes she so desperately wanted to claw out for no real reason. One was Emily, the other was Maddie.

"Get out of my way."

"Ash, baby, get yourself together," she heard Tiana's unmistakable voice.

As if coming out of a haze, she looked away from Tyler's recoiled form long enough to see that all of her girls were around her, filling up the suddenly crowded hallway.

She righted herself but her shoulders were still tense, ready for a throw down. In fact begging for it.

Maddie stepped up to her, eyeing her warily which was expected considering what had happened last time.

"What's going on?"

Ash glared at her but while Maddie would never forget what Ash had done to her before, she was not afraid of her.

Instead she looked into those eyes, past the anger. And she found the pain.

Maddie had always been smarter than people gave her credit for, Ash included. She took one look at her and when her eyes widened in comprehension, Ash knew she knew.

Before she could say anything Caleb was there, standing next to Ash.

"Car. Now," he ordered.

Ash let him pull her away from the scene.

That was when Tyler's pride reared it's wounded head as his boys pulled him back upright.

"Bitch!" he cursed.

In that moment, several people moved at once and Ash wasn't even one of them; Tiana, Maddie, Debbie. But it was Caleb who got to Tyler first.

With a blow that softened Ash's in comparison, Tyler went down again.

Standing over him, Caleb nursed his bruised fist.

"Talk to my sister like that again and I'll put you through a locker."

When they got out of the building, Caleb stopped to talk to Maddie and the others while Ash went on ahead to wait by the car. She didn't know what he said and she didn't care but there was a lot of nodding from girls and a sympathetic look from one or two of them.

Finally he kissed Emily goodbye and he came up to her.

"I had that under control," Ash said.

"Did you? Did you really?" he asked. "What the fuck are you thinking?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Why was he so angry about the fight of all things? She'd gotten in several in her short life.

"Do you know what I went through when I got a call telling me my sister was standing on a ledge? That she was about to jump? Do you know what that freaking did to me? Today of all days Ash, what the fuck were you thinking?" Now he was shouting.

Normally Caleb took pride in keeping a firm lid over his emotions but now he was bleeding. Bleeding pain and anger and...fear.

Like water poured over burning coal Ash's anger fizzled out.

Before she could think of something to say, Caleb was storming away. He shut the door forcefully after him—something he would never do in his right mind.

She was about to follow suit when she realized she was being watched.

Standing at the side of the main building was Hailey. She had her hands together in front of her like she was unsure whether or not to approach. Ash could hardly blame her.

Deciding this was not the time to anger Caleb further, Ash turned to him silently asking for permission. He nodded from the other side of the windshield.

"How much of that did you see?" she asked. Recalling the presumed suicide she added, "Or hear?"

Hailey shrugged.

Ash's head sunk low. "Everything," she concluded.

Hailey affirmed with a nod.

"Hailey, I...I'm going through some things right now. I—"

"I understand." Hailey took her hands and looked deep into her eyes. "I understand." Releasing her hands she enveloped her in an bear hug astonishingly tight for someone so small.

Ash was still stunned by Hailey's response when her eyes betrayed her and the first tear drop fell, followed immediately by another.

She hugged her back, fingers digging into her back as she held on to the remainder of her sanity.

When Ash pulled away, it wasn't because she was ready to let go. It was because Caleb was waiting.

Righting herself, she found that no one was paying any attention to them. She subtly dried her eyes, noting that the only other person who wasn't family to have seen her cry was Maddie and that was because she had been at the funeral.

"I have to..." Her voice cracked as she tried to speak. She thrust a thumb over her shoulder to complete the sentence.

Hailey nodded and stood on her tiptoes to kiss her cheek.

When their cheeks pressed against each other, Ash realized Hailey was crying.

Turning away, she let her feet propel her away from Hailey.

She didn't speak until long into the drive.

"I'm sorry I scared you today, Caleb. I...I didn't think—"

"You got that part right."

So he was still mad. Great!

"I wasn't going to jump, okay?"

He didn't respond.

The rest of the drive took place in painful silence with her own conscience threatening to beat her senseless. When Caleb finally pulled up into the compound, Ash decided she had had enough.

"Look, I'm sorry I'm not as held together as you, okay," she snapped, "I'm sorry I'm not as strong as you. I am sorry that I cannot grieve responsibly like you. I will not add guilt on top of everything else I'm feeling today."

She was out of the vehicle and running to the house before he put the car in park.

*****

Ash had gone straight to bed from the car, stopping only to change into a large soccer jersey with her mother's name and number on it. It had been a gift from her mother—more accurately she had taken it and not returned it and her mother had never complained or asked for it back—and it still smelled like her, but Ash had not been able to fall asleep—not that she had tried.

Even when night fell, she did not feel the least bit sleepy despite the fact that she was—in all sense of the word—exhausted.

She was in the middle of typing the same words she had been writing throughout the day when a message notification popped up.

She swiped down and read.

Egghead: You up?

Smiling wryly, she responded.

Me: No.

As expected, a knock on her door followed and Caleb pushed it open a moment later.

"Are you up now?" His smile was a perfect replica of hers.

She sat up slowly and nodded, pulling her knees up to her chest.

He walked tentatively over to her bed but instead of perching on the edge, he sank to the floor leaning against the foot of the bed, the back of his head towards her. He didn't even turn his head her way when he spoke.

"I wasn't exactly as held together as you put it..." he began. "I left school during lunch and came back in time for your...scuffle with Tyler. I was on the road the entire time."

He gave her time to process before he went on.

"I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to go fast. Really fast. I was probably going to total the Porsche when I got the call." Finally he turned and locked eyes with her. "I panicked, Ash. I panicked because I was on the edge of doing something stupid and we both know I'm the more restrained one." She didn't bother to argue. "I thought you were about to do something stupid today because I wanted to do something stupid. I felt like I needed to do something stupid."

"Would it be insensitive of me to say that hearing you say that made me feel just a little better?" Ash asked.

Caleb shook his head. "No. It goes both ways. When I thought you were suicidal it snapped me out of it."

"Come here, you," Ash said. She patted the spot next to her on the bed.

He climbed in bed with her and hugged her from behind as she lay back down.

"If you still wanna do something stupid, I have a Louisville slugger and we have some fairly expensive breakables around the house."

Ash laughed for the first time. It was probably also the first time for Caleb.

"And I've got a bottle of absinthe somewhere with our names on it."

"So that's a yes then?"

"Definitely." She snuggled harder against his body. "But later."

She switched on her phone absentmindedly as she tried to mentally set an reminder for later: break open the liquor cabinet and smash the house to pieces at eleven pm while piss drunk—something like that. At the sight of her wallpaper her heart constricted even tighter in her chest.

Smiling through the pain as she looked at that beautiful face frozen forever in memory, Ash whispered,

"Happy birthday, Mom."

The screen went dark.

Caleb's arms around her tightened comfortingly.

"It's okay to cry, Ash," he said, "I'm here. You can let go. You can break down. I'm here."

"No. No I don't think I will," Ash said flatly.

The words were scarcely out of her mouth when her body shuddered once with tears unshed, then twice. Then she couldn't stop shaking as her body was assailed with a sudden convulsive fit and the tears flowed hot and agonizing.

Unashamed, she turned and buried her face in Caleb's chest, letting the rest of her pain bleed through her eyes.

And so Ash did cry. She did let go. She broke down. And Caleb was there through it; being strong for both of them. Just as he'd always been.