r e j e c t i o n (n):

the feeling that someone does not love or want you

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zach always reminded me of the maybes.

maybe in the future

maybe I wasn't good enough

maybe I could handle loving my best friend

and him not loving me back

maybe I didn't know what love was

maybe we were too much alike.

he was after all, selfish in the same I was. forgave people because that's who he knew how to be. understood things without agreeing.

perhaps the difference between us was quite simple

he was strong

i was weak.

and he was loved by others the kind of way that would have saved me.

i remember the moment he found out Macy had cheated on him. it was the moment he realized that the ride that they were on had just thrown him off.

he lied to himself that day. he told himself everything was okay, and he got right back on the never ending merry go round. for so long he believed what they had was real, so he ignored the bruises she left on his heart and the way it made him really feel.

it's the same day I started to see him in a different way.

he wasn't an angel sent from the heavens above. he wasn't a saint.

he made mistakes. he was imperfect.

i believed he was everything to me at one point. that he was the reason I woke up everyday and kept breathing.

but him not leaving her was like him stepping off the first place pedestal.

he stopped being the oxygen that I inhaled when coming up for air.

for months after, I thought I was drowning. and then I realized I wasn't the only one who didn't know what love was.

me pining after him while he flirted with me shamelessly was not some fairytale. it was my own personal hell.

so I learned how to swim and started breathing again.

sometimes when its 3AM I let my mind drift. i wonder what it be like today if all of it never happened.

what if I severed all my feelings before my heart got broken?

what if I never said anything to anyone about how I mistook is kindness for affection?

i think maybe we would still be friends. maybe he would have been the support I needed. maybe I wouldn't be where I am today.

maybe I wouldn't so worried about all the maybes.

sadly, the first thing I think of when I remember our so called friendship is his "I love you" before saying goodbye

or when I complimented him

or gave him advice.

i remember the way it rolled off his tongue like a melody begging to be played on repeat.

but I wish I could forget.

i wish I could forget his last I love you before he chose her over me.

i wish I could forget that he was one of the very few people who knew how to lift my mood.

i wish I could forget how he made me feel free.

i wish I could forget the way we argued.

but I cant. because it's etched into my brain.

i remember it the same way I remember how to breathe. without thinking and so very carelessly.

without appreciating it.

we were each other counterparts.
but when you meet someone exactly like yourself you forget who you are.

you dissolve until their laugh is your laugh and their heartbeat matches your own. you disappear till your nothing but a lost soul

and we did. we disappeared.

we became everything we weren't. everything we lost. 

we became nothing.

a/n
because I haven't updated in forever and this one kinda sucks and is so short I'll be updating again tonight or tomorrow :)
Up next: Skye