l o v e (n):

This ones up to you to define

«•»

The thing about first love is that it never truly fades. When you're overwhelmed with infatuation, lust and empty promises of forever.

It rarely works out the way you swear it will. There's something about staying up all night with them, naming your future kids, and the butterflies when they first say I love you.

I think it's hope. It's endless. You've never been cheated on before or lied to. No, all you see when you look at them are the best parts. The cheesy smiles and stolen kisses.

So when you look back it's almost impossible to hate the first one you loved. You still want to see them for who you wanted them to be.

Even when you forget their laugh and their middle names you always remember that feeling. Because it consumed you the way first loves do.

Then it starts happening. The I love yous start loosing meaning. Your heart starts beating slower.

You start to question whether it's really worth it anymore.

Just when you start to think it's not you convince yourself it needs to be.

Otherwise you've wasted hours, days, months giving someone all of you only to be split in two.

Half with them
half with you.

You planned on having two kids. A dog. A life.

So you stay. You ignore the ice in your veins that replaced the passion. Fake more of your smiles.

It's worth it. It's worth it. It's worth it.

It was rather easy to convince yourself that was the truth.

You got used to not being alone. Having someone to hold. A cathartic lover waiting to listen. To envelope you in the darkness and tell you exactly what you want to hear.

To the point where you become deaf and the only sound is their voice. Their echoes bouncing around, whispering sweet tonics.

Your senses start to vanish and the only thing left to grasp onto is them. If you let go you're left with nothing.

So you hold on as tight as you can.

They lie. You forgive. It's worth it.
They get angry. You forgive. It's worth–
They stop listening. You forgive. It's wor–
They lie. Again. You forgive. It's w–

They cheat.
You cry.
You cry.
You cry.
You forgive.

It's not worth it. At this point you don't care. What are you without them?

Nothing but sadness. Thoughts you've been told you're to young to have.

Definitely not hopeful.

I wasn't his cheerleader anymore. I let the thoughts before him come back crawling in. The ones that people would cry if they heard.

Maybe the problem was that he was my first love but I wasn't his.

He would be apart of me forever when I was just another rainbow before he reached his pot of gold.

I always chose him before I chose me because I didn't think there was a different between the two.

I wasn't whole before him or after. Was I whole during? No, cause that only meant one thing.

It meant he was worth it and I wasn't.

a/n: I had to many song options for this chapter but only chose 3. All really go with the chapter and are really good! Don't forget you can suggest songs to be added to the playlist.