It took me till now to realize it was no one's fault. Sure, I had my fair share of bullies and no doubt I had lived a screwed-up life, but in the end, it was my mistake. No, it was my choice. Something that I'd thought, hell, dreamt of doing for months. At the time, there only seemed like one option, and control over anything seemed like a foreign concept. My life felt like it was made of everyone else's wrongs and rights and I was just along for the ride. Desperation mixed with sadness made everything good in the world disappear to just ashes of mistakes and false hope. I needed an out. I was desperate for some type of escape.

For a while, I would read books and fall into the worlds depicted on the countless pages and pretend that I was the girl who got the boy and the happily ever after. I wanted to live in a world where friends understood what it meant to be loyal, where people weren't so cruel, where I had a chance to be accepted and loved by someone who thought I was special. Unfortunately for me, that wasn't my world. Instead, people didn't care about anyone except themselves. They cheated, lied, and faked their way through life. I didn't know why I expected anyone to be any different than what their actions showed. I'd always had this ridiculous amount of hope that people weren't just who they were pretending to be, that there was a face under the mask. I guess once you pretended to be someone else you eventually became them. Worst of all, I realized I was no different than any of them.

At the end of the day, my reality overshadowed any moments my favorite authors could create. I would close the pages and be overcome by how much I didn't hate the thought of not belonging to this world anymore. It was easier for me to lose myself than accept that I was nothing more than a blip in the universe whose imperfections didn't mean the end of the world.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw the good memories reflected back at me first. Ones where I laughed so hard, I couldn't breathe, ones where my smile threatened to split my face open, even ones where I believed I was utterly happy. But there was a thing about memories. The good memories always reminded me of the bad ones. For the life of me, I couldn't let the light shine through the darkness my own mind brought me. Perhaps my flashlight was missing a battery or two.

I was swallowed into a hole of sadness trying to claw my way to the top, where it seemed everyone else was. For your sake, I pray you find your holding and finally reach land. Because if you don't, then you're like me. Stuck in the darkness searching for the first sign of light.

All I'd ever wanted was to be happy. To actually be excited that I was going to wake up the next day and start a whole new adventure. One without judgement from people who thought they knew me or having to stress about things that were simply out of my reach. As you may have guessed, I never accomplished that goal. Instead, I tried to deal with the fact that life wasn't perfect. Good people did bad things, and bad things happened to good people. That was just the way life was. What really got to me was that even though life wasn't perfect, was it worth it?

Maybe I didn't make the best decisions. Maybe that's what led me here today. Even so, I couldn't help but wonder, if I had made a different choice would things really be all that different? Somehow, I have this feeling that I would still be in the same place. In a place with no windows or doors, with no way to escape. Well, almost no way.

I loved. I loved so hard that it was killing me. When I loved, I gave my whole heart and watched it shatter when others didn't give theirs back. I was always the one who cared more. The problem was that it always seemed as if the other person didn't care enough. It made me feel lonely. There's nothing like being in a crowded room and feeling like you are completely alone.

Something I might have realized just a little too late was that I wasn't alone.

Honestly, I don't think I ever got to live. Sure, I was alive, but I wasn't living. I wasn't even given the chance to live.

I gave up. I gave up on myself when I still had a future. One where I would've loved life more, one where I would've lived.