Call Me Nothing but Confused:

Call me crazy, call me selfish;

Call me nothing but confused.

My heart beats for only one;

Brain lost on who.

One close to my heart;

A childhood memory.

One vibrant and comforting;

A long distance fear.

Like candy, sweet, tasty, smooth to touch;

Dark chocolate and milk, melt-in-your-mouth kind of feel.

The rose or the tulip?

The rose, a symbol of love and elegance;

Luxury and sexuality.

The tulip, charity and rebirth;

That perfect, unyielding, deep love.

Distance keeps us apart;

Distance keeps us yearning for more.

Inconsistency in my heart;

My feelings, lost.

Between the two, who to choose?

Call me nothing but confused.

****

"Back from your little acting classes, I see? Good because we need your help up in here."

Ryker's back at it again with the big ass ego, I see.

It's been two days since I've last seen Journee and my energy's thrown off. Late nights, tossing and turning, stressing out more than before, etc. I can't even focus on my own lane because other cars keep forcing me out of it.

Journee isn't the main reason for all this going on. My change in character, change in energy, stems from my own mixed feelings.

The guys have been good about giving me my own space lately. I guess tonight is different since there's a huge emergency going on in the kitchen.

Ryker leads me to the kitchen where Cam and Isaiah are. You can feel the tension coming from Isaiah as his large eyes glare at Cam. Cam's head is in his hands as he looks out.

I sit by Cam, wonder what's going on with him as Isaiah flexes his chin and taps his fingers on the table. He's for real pissed off.

"Bro, Ryker and I have been talking to Cam for the past hour and he's still being stupid!" Isaiah yells before slamming his hand on the table.

My eyebrows come together, scrunched up, and wonder what the hell he's so mad about. Cam looks cool as ever but got Ryker and Isaiah all shook up.

Ryker catches me up on what Isaiah means after calming Isaiah down. "Chill out, man. Just tell him. Cam wanna move to country ass Kentucky over a fat b-"

"You bet not, bro! You bet not! Try me. I dare you." Cam stands to his feet and squares up to Ryker. Ryker ain't fazed though. He ain't about to hit Cam because that's just how Ryker is. Big boss with a soft hand.

Isaiah, on the other hand, is the one we keep our eyes on.

"You lost in the pussy, Cam. You make decisions like you ain't gonna get hurt. These ladies are here to have a good ass time and leave your ass. Would she stay here with you? Probably not, so stop leaving in your head and come back to the real world."

The real world isn't as fun, Ryker. The real world is our never-ending nightmare. Sometimes we do strange things to make it more like a daydream, because who wants to live in a world that scares them every day & night?

Cam turns back to his seat and says "Aye, man. Just 'cause you ain't got love in your life, don't mean you gotta come for mine. We chill and we love each other. Also, I'm a grown ass man who can do what he wants."

Willing to leave home for a place he's never been before? For a woman? Never known for Cam to be that invested in a woman but that was none of my business. If it makes him happy and gives him a little something closer to his daydream, why not go for it?

"Just 'cause you grown don't mean you can't do something stupid like this. You've lost your damn mind, man. If you don't let that girl go on back home with her friends. Quit falling for these visitors. That's why they here, to see the city, have fun and go back home." Ryker argues as he sits at the table with us.

"Exactly! This hoe got people, she got support; you ain't gonna have that shit when you go up there. Your lil' dumb black ass gonna be the first one to die up there. If you think Florida fucks with us, try Kentucky. They don't give a fuck." Isaiah rants as he sits down and scrunches his eyebrows.

They all going back and forth with each other. Hopefully, they don't ask me for my opinion because it'd be hard for me to answer. Ryker and Isaiah don't have to worry about love because they don't fall easily. I'm the main one that's in touch with my feelings and can't find the medium when it comes to feeling any emotion.

For example, with Journee, I could slow down but I don't want to because the way I feel about her kicks in with too much strength. I fear scaring her off with my emotions so I stay saying stupid shit around her.

"Cam, don't do it. Step foot 'cross that boarder and your ass bout to be up under the pen. You wanna die over a bitch that's only here for the moment, be my guest. We just trying to help." Ryker says as he sits back and pulls his long black locs back into a low ponytail.

As they all say what's on their mind and go back and forth, I am reminded of my last encounter with Kyra: the only person that's stopping me from being with Journee.

Alongside protecting my extreme emotions, Kyra's past actions make me scared to start something serious with Journee.

It was a couple of hours before Journee and I met up at the small beach. Ryker invited a few girls to come and hang but didn't realize that Kyra would be one of them until they all got there. The girls invited her at the last minute from what we were told.

Ryker asked everybody what they wanted to do and the girls posed the question back on us. Their indecisive nature annoyed Isaiah and he blurted out what his real intent was. Cam went upstairs and I wanted to do the same until somebody caught me off guard.

"Tripp, I'd like to talk to you in the kitchen, please." Kyra asked boldly while lightly touching my shoulder.

I turned back to her and a small smile brought itself to her face. That deceiving smile ruined plenty of dates for me and talking wasn't going to change her mind. We've done that already and she said everything she needed to say at the restaurant. So what else did we have to talk about?

Out of respect, I followed her into the kitchen and sat at the table with her. Her mischievous but polite smile wasn't going to get over me. I could see right through her.

"You don't seem as excited to see me. You used to be so happy to see me." Kyra pointed out.

Yeah, there's a reason for that and you can't blame me for it. My facial expressions couldn't be hidden.

"You almost ruined a date I anticipated going on. Why would I be happy to see you again?"

She rolled her eyes and folded her arms as I sighed. As mad as I was, I knew that there was still a little portion of me that missed what we used to have; another thing that's stopping me from being with Journee.

"Look, Tripp. I wanted to tell you I was sorry. We're grown adults now and that was childish on my end."

Good thing Kyra apologized but I wasn't buying it after the college incident. Kyra apologized after that too so she knew what she was doing.

After thanking her for her apology, I got up from the table to leave, but was tugged at by Kyra. The nerve she had.

"Can I ask you for a favor?"

So that's why she pulled me aside. What could I really give her that her man couldn't? I didn't have much money, no fancy shit, and I ain't poppin' around these streets. Terrell was all that and more. What happened to Terrell anyway?

Just for kicks and giggles, I asked her what she needed. Then bam! That's when my indecisiveness began.

She touched my cheek softly and we leaned in to a delicate kiss like we were back in high school again. I had to push her off of me because that wasn't cool, no matter how good it felt.

"What the hell, Kyra? We ain't seeing each other. What happened to Terrell?" I wiped my lips and paced around the kitchen.

Though I was out for a split second, I found my way back to reality. She had a man and I was dating somebody. We couldn't do all that.

"Well, that's my favor. I want us to try again because you know how much I hate seeing you with other girls. Plus, Terrell was on some bullshit. He slept with one of my friends so we broke off the engagement. Anyway, I figured since we aren't in serious relationships, we could start dating again."

So I'm the sloppy seconds. When you and your man don't want each other anymore, you come for me until you want somebody else. Nah, bruh.

When she didn't have a man in her life, I was the friend that she settled with until the man she wanted came along. A fix.

Now, I was in my right frame of mind, ready to tell her she done lost her damn mind and that I was seeing someone. Something stopped those thoughts.

Journee was leaving me in a week and what would a long-distance relationship look like? We both didn't want to go into it blindly. I had to put a pause on Kyra's favor. It didn't deserve this attention but I wondered about it. She wasn't leaving any time soon.

"Let me think on that because that's so much to take in."

That was the end of our conversation, leaving me with a confused heart and mind. I was so close with Journee but Kyra was even closer. We've known each other since high school. She knew me more and Journee still had time to get to know me.

There was only five days, six days if we're talking from that conversation, to make up my mind. If only there were more time.

"Tripp, tell Cam he done lost his mutherfuckin' mind!" Ryker and Isaiah call me out of my thoughts in sync. I forgot what they were talking about anyway.

"Cam, you do what you want. Do what makes you happy. We all do things that make us feel better about our lives. I'm going to bed now. Y'all have fun dealing with all this."

****
Heeeeeyyyyyy everybody!

Hope y'all are doing well!

Anybody participating or have participated in NaNoWriMo?

Okay, so what's your thoughts on Tripp? Do you think he'll get back with Kyra?

What do you think will happen between him and Journee?

Well, there's more secrets to unpack next week! See ya then!