"Monster Under The Bed" - TheWitchWhoWrites

Summary: 

'I am not your usual human being. In fact, I am not a human being at all. I am a monster - a monster under the bed.'

After being given a last warning from his boss, the monster has to live under the bed of an unusual child as a punishment. Will living under Dawn's bed help solve the mystery of why she was unafraid of anything? Or will the monster lose his job because of her? Dawn's hiding a secret - and it's not a small one, either.

Initial Reaction: 

A monster story?! It definitely fits with this month, October, the quick humor and new point of view of a monster scaring child as a job. It's amazing! The whole spin on the main character, Monster, being afraid of everything: spiders, their boss, and especially Dawn, an eight year old who makes other monsters cry because she's not terrified of them. Conflicts arise for Monster. What will they do? They've failed arriving on time for their job (they scare three year olds), and now Monster is assigned to Dawn. Will Monster scare her? I enjoy the narrator's voice and the story's pace! It's cool to see what a monster's life is: work and personal life, immortality. Really good!

P.S. I listen to "Nightmare Before Christmas" soundtrack while I read your story. Hehe, I love the vibes! 🎃 

Strengths: 

1. Monster's Voice: Right from the beginning, the audience meets the main character, Monster. The first point of view is marvelous! We dive into their perspective. Monster's tone is crisp, clear, and provides a quick humor. Even in the prologue, where Monster sets up the structure and what the readers' should expect from this story. It's Dawn's story (and Monster's). The voice is strong, I can paint a picture of their personality, one fact being Monster is afraid of a lot of things. It's ironic! I instantly love this, in chapter one, Beginning, goes into detail how, "Even though I am a monster, there was something about [his boss'] five eyes and enormous teeth that scared me almost as much as I scare a 3 year old. Not bragging." The last sentence, it tickles me! Monster has a sincere tone and also the hint of humor. They have a smooth way of explaining and then the next sentence shifts to something where it's their opinion. I just - adore it! Amazing strength, I enjoy Monster's personality and voice!

2. References: I freak out when there's hints, references, and a wink to the audience, there will be characters we've heard about from urban legends and ghost stories! Just yes!! I'm interested in knowing these characters are apart of this world. The references help build this world where monsters live among humans, their jobs, and the fact they are immortal. It's so cool! The audience sees familiar names like The Bloody Mary and Boogie Man. The world becomes huge with possibilities and how these monsters are all over the world, different places. In chapter two, Fear, when Monster talks about how Boogie Man is his role model: "He was there, right in front of my desk. I obviously asked for his autograph." Monster looks up to his co-workers; with the audience, we get to meet them for ourselves. Find out about their personality and how they react, especially with the fact Boogie Man, who is the number one employee, cries over Dawn. Because he couldn't get her to scream. The reference in known who Boogie Man is already, and from what the audience experiences, we learn more about how Dawn is a special little girl. She was calm when she meets Boogie Man. Great job!

3. New POV: When a person thinks monster, we tend to think this ferocious, animalistic creature that's out for blood. Negative connotation; however, this story supplies a new point of view, in it's their duty to complete the job in scaring. No harm. It's intriguing! This new perspective makes the readers interest in knowing more, they get connected with the story. We start to grow a bond with Monster, I start to root for them even when they run away from their boss and job. Since they don't want anything to do with Dawn. The audience learns the monsters have their own language, they are surviving since they live forever. I've never thought about how they have to learn English; in chapter three, Away, Monster says, "I can write and read English, alright, but I can't say anything." This explains one reason why monsters give an eerie sensation, the fact they nod, quiet, and grunt to indicate what they are saying. Since some monsters are not strong in speaking in English. I love this spin! It's so clever!! I really enjoy reading this story.  

Recommendation: 

Earlier I mention one of the strengths is the Monster's voice. The tone has an ease and quick humor. I adore it! (I love talking about it, too.) Those sentences are usually written in present tense. 

There are moments where the narrative jumps back and forth between present and past tense. One example is in chapter four, Slave, when Monster, "woke up in a small room . . . 'Son, I am here.' My boss says as he tries his best to walk. . . " Woke is in past tense and then the verbs says and tries are in present tense. The back and forth tenses can leave the readers disconnect from the scene. 

With the Monster's voice being a strength and their thoughts are in present tense, I highly encourage the entire story to be written in present tense. Reasons being present tense gives a sensation of urgency, can give a fast pace, and it provides a here and now timeframe for the readers. Which with Monster's conflicts, this can benefit and strengthen the writing even more. The readers can experience the moment/scenes right along with the characters. 

It's pretty cool! Plus the story's flow in the same tense will engage the readers even more. I hope this feedback helps! 

Thank you so much for submitting. I really enjoy reading your story! 😊