"The Dragon's Scale" - @Cross-Warrior

Summary:

When gym becomes a fight between reality and a burning forest, Josh Davidson realizes his recurring dream might be a sign he's going crazy. Especially when the school bully tries to murder him with energy fists. Not to mention his only way to survive is a voice in his head that won't shut up and a beautiful girl who can shoot ice arrows.

Turns out the truth can be crazier than insanity. The voice belongs to a dragon he's now soul-bound to and the girl is a Paladin, a group of humans like him. It's like a wish come true, and he cannot wait to join this new world of dragons and magic. 

Except the Paladins are not alone. A darkness is rising from its slumber, intent on destroying the Paladins and everything they stand for. When Josh's baby brother gets dragged into their plans, things get personal. 

With only a little bit of experience and a disjointed group at his side, Josh risks not only losing his brother -- he risks losing a war.

Initial reaction: 

Dragons! DRAGONS!! I love dragons. Instantly, the story has won over my heart. The connection with the third person limited, but with hints of another first person voice within the character's mind; it's fascinating! Bringing magic to reality. Setting the scenes during high school, the story has innocence and exploration tone similar to what the audience experiences. The hints and clues to the foreshadowing is spot on, building up the plot and heading towards the story's purpose. The story's flow gives a sense of connection, nice constant pace, which copies what is happening to the main character, Josh Davidson. I enjoy the story! 

Strengths: 

1. Setting/Descriptions: This strength always makes me smile. Descriptions help the readers imagine through sound, taste, touch, sight, and smell; this connection keeps the reader coming back to the story. Immediately, we're thrown in a burning forest and hearing an internal voice who wishes for them to be alive. All the while, Josh is in gym class. He has this reoccurring dream the past several weeks, now it has interrupted his daytime living. The italic phrases dive deep in the eerie tone, "A loud creak broke through the crackle of the fire. He lunged out of the way before a burning tree could crash down on him." Readers start to ask questions, why is the forest on fire? Why does Josh keep having the same dream and now during the daytime? What does this mean? The setting helps engage the readers and keep them interested as the story continues on to find out the answers. 

2. Foreshadowing: This element lets the readers think and put the pieces together for plot and subplot. Foreshadowing is when the writer nods and winks at the audience. I throughly enjoy this because when I, as the reader, start to pick up on the hints then I feel like I'm in on the "secret." Especially in chapter four, when the narrative goes back into the other perspective, Josh hears the voice and feels, "Flying  through the sky, bounding across lands, sometimes crushing pitiful little monsters -- dreams he had once had as a kid but had faded over time."  When I read this sentence, I start to theorize other options: maybe the "he" is Josh, does that mean he has had these dreams when he was little? And now, these dreams are coming back because a connection is forming again?! Foreshadow engages the readers to explore and think through the story. It's so much fun!  

3. Tension: As the story progresses, readers start to learn more and more information. There's a tiny build up, we begin to think, what's going to happen now?  It's as if, we're waiting for a balloon to pop, a person blows air into the balloon. The person gives small breaths, we see the balloon growing; in the beginning, it seems fine. Then as the breaths increase along with the amount of air, we tension up. The story's mystery builds up this hidden tension until its in our faces. For example, in chapter five, the ending man!! When Darren punches Josh, and the readers know Josh hasn't felt pain in awhile. The last sentence is phenomenal: "Pain. For the first time he could remember, he felt pain." Everything is changing. Externally and internally for Josh. I believe out of the five chapters, I read, this is the moment where "the balloon has popped." The story is telling the readers, we can't go back, this is now reality.  This is fantastic!!

Recommendation: 

One recommendation would be the story's rhythm. Some instances the phrases and sentences would be a little too wordy. Sentences can be long, in depth details, and flowy. My college historical fiction professor taught me how sentences have a rhythm, flowing into the next word or phrase. (I'm still learning how to improve my rhythm.) The pauses can cause a disconnection between the story and the readers.

One example is in chapter one, "Though what he saw in his daydream did mirror the dream that he had been plaguing him for a week."   

A suggestion would be to polish the rhythm: "Though what he saw in his daydream did mirror the dream that had plagued him for a week."

Can focus on stronger verbs like "plagued" instead of "been" (a form of 'to be'). 

Can also explore filler words. I'm guilty of writing "that," "as," "so," and "only," a lot. Depending on style, for the most part, those words can be deleted to help strengthen the sentence's rhythm. 

My tip is to read the story out loud or to have someone else read it out loud; this can help in hearing the rhythms and pin-pointing times the phrases seem to have less flow. 

I do this all the time! :) 

I hope this helps. Thank you so much sending in your amazing story! I enjoy it! 

~ Fallon Elizabeth ~