" ~ Day Dreams ~ " by @Cmorey123

Summary: 

Hazel Anne Summers; the girl orphan that lost everything entirely. Including her humanity...

Hazel couldn't remember the last time that she had, a decent ordinary sleep! Perhaps because she's had the worst abnormal childhood that no child ever wishes upon oneself. 

Her dreams usually consisted of the same horrid; nightmares & night terrors whenever she closes her impoverished eyes. Not to mention she has; depression, anxiety & possibly insomnia, but just your general sleep deprivation, on a daily basis.

No doubt about it, Hazel has flaws & insecurities, but don't we all right...?

Is she willing to take responsibility for her actions & dive herself into the oblivion of cloudless waves full of ambition & independence? Is she ready to obtain & believe in herself & drive herself toward the path of loneliness & accepting her fears & indifferences? 

But, Hazel the orphan; wasn't prepared to sacrifice...

Initial Reaction: 

This is a fantastic idea! In the first chapter, the readers are in present tense with Hazel. We slowly start to learn what time it is in her life; there's also a hidden/mystery element on who is her fiancé. He only goes by the title, "fiancé." Which I'm intrigue to find who Hazel will marry. The readers also see glimpses of her past, Hazel is open to speak and share her story. Which then this whole story turns into a story within a story, or a frame story similar to "Frankenstein by Mary Shelley." I love frame stories! Especially when the narrator, Hazel, speaks to the readers: "I'll explain shortly, but, as of right now is burdensome . . . "

We get to find out why and how Hazel got to the "present" from chapter one and find out about her daydreams. Overall, I enjoy the story! 

Strengths:

1. Descriptions: When a certain image describes touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound, this transports me, as the reader, within the story. Every writer wants the reader to connect emotionally and mentally with the story. There are moments where the descriptions does exactly that. Where I feel the time slow down, I enjoy the words and I'm there with Hazel. Going through her experiences, good and bad. One instance this happens is in chapter three, "With an arm outstretched, I pointed at a picture of a giant ice-cream cone drawn out in chalk in bursting colors of the rainbow." This is during her sixth birthday, I can see this happening. I'm there with Hazel. She wants the ice-cream. She thinks the ice-cream is beautiful. I hear it in her words, the description and focus on the chalk, image of the ice-cream cone. The word choices also gives an innocence quality, which makes me want to root for her. I want her to get what she desires. I'm connected with the main character and the story. It's really good! 

2. Narrative's voice: Hazel is adorable and passionate! The first person narrator is Hazel, the reason why I would describe her this way is because of her voice and word choices; in chapter two, she speaks, "so, where to begin . . . oh right!" She's personal, the sentence structure reminds me of my best friend telling me a story. Informal and personal which increases the readers to engage more. I believe she focuses on her emotions. She couldn't believe her father made those, awful, choices even though she was a little kid. She has experienced a lot of awful things in her life and she understands what was happening now that she's older. The readers agree and believe because Hazel describes in detail and shows us what has happened. She doesn't sugarcoat it. She tells the truth. I throughly enjoy and connect with her! 

3. Inspiration:  Hehehe! Man, I'm fan-girling with the small "winks" and head nods to other works. Especially with Anne of Green Gables. I LOVE ANNE OF GREEN GABLES! The fact, this is story is inspired by it, makes my heart flutter. The part that makes me giggle is in chapter five when Hazel and Jake are swimming. They are playing and he gives her a nickname: "Carrots because of my orange hair and the first day that we met when he gave me that carrot as our shared birthday gift."  I love the new twist about the carrot being their birthday gift. This shows the readers the significance behind the gift and how Hazel holds onto this meaning. This is value, a friendship Hazel has been hoping for. The inspiration helps connect the readers, especially ones who know where the inspiration has come from, and then adds a lovely twist to it. Making it unique and adds another value. I love it! 

Recommendation: 

With frame stories, the most challenging element would be the tense to write in. It's a constant friction between past and present tense. I saw back and forth between these tenses throughout the first five chapters. Since the narrator is the person in the "present" and the person is referring to the events in the past. Those quick present tense thoughts can possibly disconnect the reader from the story.

One recommendation would be to keep the events and the time Hazel's reading her story to her son in past tense. The first chapter can stay in present tense, which the story does until the sentence, "Noah exclaims, apologetic with a curled lip,"  then the sentence structure turns into past tense. 

To help strengthen the reader's engagement, I would recommendation to stay in one tense. Those moments where Hazel is speaking to her son, Noah, that'll be cool to keep in present tense to remind the reader's this is a frame story.  You can even play around and try writing small chapters to where Noah asks questions, maybe what the reader's might be asking. Hazel can answer or give encouragement to him. That'll be cool! Then when Hazel is reading about her past experience, those sections/chapters can be in past tense. :) 

I hope this helps with the flow and aid in engagement! I really enjoy reading your story! 

Thank you. 😊 🤗