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I'm watching Jungkook watching me.

He isn't smiling. He's not sad. And he's not angry either. He only sits there with his hands calmly placed on the thighs and waits for me to say something, anything that would even slightly explain the reason I called him, crying for help.

And for a moment, I see his pupils go wide, his thin lips part as if he's going to tell me something, but each and every time he shakes his head beforehand, thinking that maybe whatever it is he wants to tell, might not be good enough. Might not be the perfect apology, one that'd be enough to erase the trace his fist left on the wall.

Maybe nothing will be enough to make me forgive him, except for time, that now passed by so slowly, the whole world around me going in slow motion.

After his fingers intertwine the small glass and tilt the sake down his throat, Jungkook coughs, soothing down the cruel sting that ropes his esophagus.

With a second flying by, he opens another bottle, one standing between dozens of others and I'm unsure of whether they're full or empty, whether they're mine or his.

But I don't say anything, just do the same thing he did, pour a glass to myself and drink it quickly, hoping that maybe for a moment, it'll make my thoughts disappear. And it does, but the moment is so small, like one squeezed between the tips of your fingers when you're close to losing your patience.

Another glass is emptied down his throat, Jungkook coughs again and squeezes his eyes shut.

''I'm done for the day'', says a male voice and I look over to my side, locking eyes with a young man with hair as bright as the daylight. Then I realize it's not daylight at all but the lights above making it hard to recognize who's exactly standing next to us. ''Everything's cleaned and ready for tomorrow, just remember to lock up.''

It takes me a few moments to see the face hidden under a black cap.

Have I drunk that much?

''Thanks, Jimin.'' Jungkook gives a small bow.

But Jimin doesn't leave just yet. He takes in the sight, mentally counting up the bottles set on the table before he says, ''Don't let her drink too much. Take care.''

''Will do.''

Then he leaves.

The doors shut behind him and we're all alone, sitting in the same sushi bar they both work at. Its brown walls look even darker, but the smell of fish wasn't there anymore. Maybe Jimin did a good job cleaning this whole place or I'm just way too drunk to notice it.

When the golden dragon painted on the walls starts to dance, Jungkook opens his mouth and says, ''Erika, I'm so s-''

''Save it.'' Biting back harshly, I regret the tone immediately after I see his features soften. ''I don't want to hear it. Not now.''

This time, he is actually hearing my words when he nods. What takes is another glass of sake down his throat to make my effort of shutting him up go in vain, because seconds later, a long-suffering sigh vibrates in the air and he asks, ''What happened?''

Tell him the truth.

''Nothing happened.'' Now it's my turn to drown the remaining sanity in sake, my whole body shivers once I've done so. And I don't even like sake.

Gosh. I'm such an idiot.

''You've always been a terrible liar, baby girl,'' says Jungkook.

Maybe I haven't thought this through. What do I tell him now? Maybe I shouldn't have called him. The initial plan was to get away from Taehyung as soon as possible but that same plan didn't involve explaining a single thing to my boyfriend on whose face I don't dare to throw a glance at.

What about a backup plan?

Yeah.

It doesn't exist.

''Tell me'', but he's persistent, I know he won't give up that easily, ''why were you in tears when you called me?''

What am I supposed to do now? What do I say when I don't understand what happened? I wasn't attacked and my life wasn't in great danger, it could've never been in danger, not when Taehyung's grandma was there the whole time. He would've never hurt me in front og her eyes. All that happened was me seeing something I shouldn't have and that scared the life out of me.

The thing is, I don't even know what I saw.

Another sip of the sake might help me find the answer.

''I panicked.'' There it is. ''I panicked and called the first person listed in my contacts.'' But that's it. That's all I managed to say. I guess sake isn't working after all.

''Why did you panic?''

Averting my eyes away from him, I stare at the empty bottom of the glass my fingers are hugging tightly. The longer I stare at it, the more I wish for Jungkook to disappear. Not forever, just for a while. Only so that I can think straight, without him asking me questions all the time.

''I don't know. I wanted to get to know him, I really did.''

''Get to know who?''

''Taehyung.'' I gulp, still not looking at him. ''I thought that maybe if I got to know who he really is behind all that shining gold, I'd thought of him differently. I guess I was wrong.''

Jungkook leans in, both hands resting on the table. ''How so?'' He looks mildly concerned and curious, but not for the right reasons. I swear I saw the corners of his lip tug up for a split second.

Or maybe I am way too drunk and everything started to move on its own.

But one thing is certain.

He's glad that, whatever it was between Taehyung and I, had finally ended.

''You see, I could've looked past all of it. I don't mind that he has his own demons, and daddy issues to deal with, however, his grandma is really nice, but that's not the point. He actually bought your dad's company because he wanted to impress me. Can you believe that?'' I pause, sucking in the air through my teeth. ''If you ask me, I think he wanted to distance me away from you which is so creepy when I think back about it.''

What happened from my tongue being tied down to it attacking and spitting out words like there's no tomorrow?

I'm guessing the sake's working now.

And Jungkook's expression was a proof that it was about to go down.

''He...What?''

I have to admit.

Jungkook doesn't look handsome when he's upset. It's the way his jaw tightens and how he pushes the inner cheek with his tongue, as if about to scold me, teach me a lesson perhaps.

''It was him that did it? The prick ruined my father's life because he's an egoistic maniac?'' His hands are pressing against the table and holding it for balance or for sanity, I didn't know. ''And you knew about it the whole fucking time?''

Just like so, my voice disappears with eyes closing along. Every sense of mine now expecting the worst.

He's going to do it again.

''Why didn't you tell me, Erika?''

He's going to hit something.

The table.

The empty glasses.

Maybe a bottle of sake.

Or maybe, me.

And I almost ask him to do it, to get it over with faster before I lose my mind.

Instead, I ask for something else. ''Please don't hit me,'' I ask for peace.

I can feel every muscle in my body tense, waiting to feel pain, to hear screaming, anything but to feel the exhausting minutes in between passing by so slowly.   

Because the silence is deafening.

Once I dared to open my eyes, I saw double. Everything moved, danced like the dragons on the walls, everything, except for him. He was sitting there, still. Eyes wide open that turned almost black but his skin...His skin changed colors. Going from deep caramel to pale yellow, making me think that he was going to throw up or pass out at any given moment.

With a push of his hands against the table, Jungkook stands up so fast that I don't realize when his arms are around me, hugging me tightly.

After a deep sigh breathed out into the crook of my neck, I can hear him say, slowly and carefully, pausing after every word as if to make sure that I remember every single word, ''I will never, ever, hurt you.''

The world is still spinning around but I manage to mumble, ''I know.''

''What I did was not right.'' A few strokes swim through my hair. His voice sounded awfully sincere, tone calm and soft. I want to forgive him. ''Anger gets the best of me but it's not who I am.''

Then he swallows, ''I love you. I really do.''

And I can't help but feel the three words hitting me, heavier than bricks and stones on top of my already growing guilt. I wish he'd said something different, something that didn't require words in return.

My head now hurts.

So I tap my fingers against the black leather jacket he was wearing, our gazes clash and I can see how dark, beautiful even, his eyes were. He's still waiting and I wonder for how long I can possibly string it out.

That's when I feel something coming up. A sudden warmth spreads through my skin and the world again spins.

This is it. This is the moment I say it back to him.

When that moment finally comes and my mouth opens, the only thing leaving it is Mrs. Kim's japchae made from scratch and the whole world then goes black.

A/N

v. van gogh painted cypresses in 1889, within a month of his arrival at the mental asylum, when vincent gained permission to paint in the open air. he could see them from his window and was fascinated by them, ''It astonishes me that they have not been done as I see them," he said.

in other words from my perspective, the cypresses represent freedom, something erika has with jungkook, something everyone has with their significant other because they see their loved ones differently than others do. they forgive. and forgiveness means freedom.

stay safe, happy & healthy. take care of yourselves for me will ya? love, always. ♥