Chapter 9

I had no idea how I functioned normally after that. I felt like I was at war with myself because I didn't want to like Juancho far more than I should, but the thumping in my core was telling me otherwise.

And it was a problem.

Every kind of relationship—whether familial, platonic, or sexual—required commitment. Hindi ito isang bagay na aalisan mo na lang kapag ayaw mo na. Susukuan kapag nahihirapan. Iiwan kapag may nakitang pagkukulang.

I placed a high value on relationships... and in this life, I had pledged commitment to my friends alone.

Sila lang ang hinayaan kong pumasok sa buhay ko. I built walls and a fortress around my heart so sturdy that not even my life's greatest pleasures could get through. Marami man akong makilala at maranasan, hindi ko hahayaang masira ang mga pader na pumoprotekta sa akin.

I believed we only had one shot at life, so I always tried to make the most of it.

I tried cigarettes and alcohol, and they both grew on me. I picked up some basics dealing with plumbing issues like a clogged toilet or a spurting sink because I found it interesting, and someone needed to know how to fix things like that around the house. I also joined a fraternity in senior high school and quit before college because I didn't want to get associated with Jin, Mari's cheating ex-boyfriend.

I did what I wanted and dropped what I didn't. Kapag ginusto ko, kaya kong pakawalan ang paninigarilyo at pag-iinom. Kapag ginusto, kaya kong talikuran ang mga nakasanayan.

It was challenging for some people, but not for me because I wasn't fully committed. Ginagawa ko kung saan ako masaya, at kapag ayoko na, madali sa'kin ang bumitaw.

However, relationships were different. It was a commitment I would never turn my back on. I would grip it as tightly as I could, and I wouldn't care if my hands started to bleed in the process. I would put my own body on the line as armor to protect the ones I love. I would lay down my life for them without batting an eye.

And I only chose three people to whom I would commit myself—Kat, Mari, and Karsen.

Sa dalawampu't isang taon ko sa mundo, sa dami ng mga taong nakasalamuha ko, sa lawak ng mga karanasan na nilakaran ko, ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na walang ibang makakadurog sa'kin kung hindi silang tatlo.

I had never dated anyone. There were a few that caught my eye, but I could never commit to any of them. I'd never been the type to get easily attached.

At mas madali 'yon. Walang sakit. Walang drama. Tuloy kung masaya, tigil kung hindi na. No other nonsense.

So now that I was slowly admitting to myself that I liked Juancho, I knew I needed a serious wake-up call.

Puwedeng ma-attract pero hindi puwedeng ma-attach. Puwedeng hawakan pero hindi puwedeng kapitan. Puwedeng magustuhan pero hindi puwedeng mahalin.

It was an old mantra. Get close to the fire, but not too close to burn yourself. Taste, but do not devour. Feel, but do not get too comfortable you can't leave.

"Aalis ka na?"

Mari's question stopped me in my tracks. Nakaupo siya sa sahig ng sala, nakatali ang buhok at nagbabasa.

It was the weekend, and I planned to work all day in the gym to get my head straight because of my nagging thoughts about Juancho. Bukod pa roon ay kailangan kong kumita ng pera. Paubos na naman kasi ang stocks namin, at walang sinasabi sina Mari at Karsen tungkol doon. Hindi ko naman sila masingil lalo at halos kakaambagan lang namin. Ang mahal kasi ng mga bilihin ngayon. Miski ang mga gulay ay halos ka-presyo na ng mga karne. It was alarming how quickly we ran out of food because we couldn't afford to buy more.

"Oo, ayokong makita ang pagmumukha mo, eh," panunukso ko na lang sa kaibigan. I couldn't get up the nerve to ask her for money right now.

As expected, she rolled her eyes. "The pleasure is mine."

Tumawa ako bago lumapit sa kanya. She made a face and sulked even more.

"Ano na naman ba 'yang binabasa mo?" tanong ko bago naupo sa sofa sa gilid niya.

"As if you'll get it."

I crossed my arms over my chest and put my feet on the center table next to the stack of papers she was working on. Ang ganda talaga ng umaga ko kapag nasisira ko ang kanya. Ang sarap niya kasing asarin. Laging may sagot kahit pikon na pikon na.

"Ibaba mo nga," sabi niya bago tinampal ang paa ko. "Kita mong nag-aaral ako, eh."

Hindi ko pinansin ang pag-iinarte niya. Itinagilid ko ang ulo at pinakatitigan siya.

Sa aming apat, siya ang masasabi kong may pinakamaraming taga-hanga. Hindi lang sa lalaki, kung hindi maging mismo sa mga babae. She had intellect, beauty, and competence all in one package. Wala lang masyadong lumalapit sa kanya dahil sa taray ng mga mata at kilay niya. One look, and a man could pee his pants. Made me wonder how she came to like her ex-boyfriend... and how did she realize she liked him.

"May tanong ako..."

Agad ang pag-angal niya. "Please, Mill. Aalis ka na, 'di ba?"

Mahinahon akong sumandal sa sofa. "Mamaya. Sagutin mo muna."

"Ano ba 'yon?"

I paused for a second, unsure of how to ask her about a problem—a boy problem—without her picking up on the obvious.

"Gaano mo kabilis nagustuhan si Jin?" kaswal na tanong ko.

"Yuck!" She cringed. "Rephrase your question, or I won't answer that."

Pinigilan kong sapukin siya. Napakaarte talaga.

I let a breath out. "Gaano ka kabilis nagkakagusto sa isang tao? 'Yan na lang."

Ngumuso siya at bahagyang nag-isip. Maya-maya'y nanliliit ang mga matang tumingin sa akin.

"Why are you asking that question? May nagugustuhan ka ba?"

Palihim akong napatikhim. No way would I tell her that a guy was creeping into my head. Ang babaw-babaw ng nararamdaman ko kay Juancho para hayaan siyang asarin ako.

"'Wag mo na lang sagutin kung gan'yan ka katanga," I managed to say, my tone thick with needless defense. "Curious lang ako tapos gagawin mong tungkol sa'kin? Shunga amputa."

"You could've said no to save your energy, but okay." Umirap siya. "Pero, to answer your question, you could actually like a person in a couple of seconds."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Ang bilis naman. Based on experience ba 'yan?"

"Based on science, Mill," she stated flatly. "Attraction is usually instant. Face value."

"Alam ko. I mean..." I trailed off. "Like, as in, like na gusto. Hindi like na crush... gano'n."

She gave me a puzzled look.

Ginulo ko ang buhok ko. "How do you even know your feelings are already more than just attraction?"

"When you always think of them?" She sounded unsure.

"Malay ko. Kaya nga kita tinatanong, eh," singhal ko.

She looked like she wanted to punch me, but went on with answering my question instead. "You know it's already more than attraction if you feel connected with them. Masaya ka kapag nasa paligid siya, at komportable ka kapag magkasama kayo."

Napaisip ako. I was kind of sure I wasn't connected with Juancho. Wala naman siyang alam sa'kin. He just knew I was a pesky journalism student who wouldn't stop bugging him. Hindi rin ako masaya kapag makikita siya. I was more irritated because I didn't like myself around him. Ipinaparamdam niya sa'kin ang isang bagay na ayokong maramdaman—takot.

"Hmm... ano pa ba?" Mari squinted, thinking deeply. "Your feelings stay unchanged. Magkasama kayo o hindi, nag-uusap o hindi, 'yong affection nananatili. You give them your undivided attention. Lahat ng buntong-hininga, pagtaas ng kilay, at ngiti, napapansin mo."

I nodded slowly as my heart constricted. Sigurado akong naramdaman ko ang huli. Napapansin ko ang lahat kay Juancho. What his voice sounded like when he was annoyed, how his eyes gleamed while he was talking to others, and how his lips twitched as he fought a smile.

Pero, hindi ko ba ginagawa 'yon dahil kailangan ko lang? Siya ang subject ng article ko. Of course, I had to know a lot of things about him.

"Okay..." It was almost like a whisper. "Salamat sa pagsagot sa walang kuwentang tanong na 'yan."

I stood up, not wanting to know more. Hindi ako makapaniwalang si Juancho lang ang nasa isip ko habang ini-enumerate ni Mari ang mga bagay na 'yon. Masama talaga sa sistema ko ang lalaking 'yon. Kailangan ko nang matapos ang article para makalayo ako sa kanya.

"Pero sa'yo, tingin ko, kapag nagkagusto ka sa isang tao, magpapanggap ka kahit sa sarili mo na ayaw mo," pigil sa akin ni Mari.

My heart hammered, hating the idea that she was striking a nerve in me.

"You'll fool yourself into thinking your feelings aren't real. You'll fool yourself into thinking you're fed up with them even when you're actually happy," she continued.

I chuckled, trying to sound sarcastic. "Natatanga ka na naman."

"Isa kaya sa mga defense mechanism mo 'yon—denial." She let out a small laugh. "May magugustuhan ka, pero kapag nakitaan mo ng isang pangit—kahit gaano kababaw—aayawan mo. You'll tell yourself that they're unlikable because of that trait, but in reality, you're just trying to avoid developing feelings for them. Humanap ka lang ng escape route para iligtas mo ang sarili mo."

Umiling ako. She was telling the truth, but I would do everything I could to make sure she knew she was wrong.

My feelings for Juancho were trivial, driven only by my attraction to his appearance and strong demeanor. And even if I did really like him, I knew it wasn't powerful enough to hurt me. Hindi malalim ang pinagsamahan namin para hayaan kong mapunta pa sa ibang direksyon ang nararamdaman ko.

"Hindi ka pa psychologist, at hindi mo 'ko pasyente para i-assess mo nang gan'yan," nangingiting saad ko kay Mari para depensahan ang sarili.

"There's no certain period to really like someone, Mill. Pero sa case mo, matatagalan ka kasi denial ka," sabi pa niya. "You will put your head in the water, but you won't let it drown you."

Kinuyom ko ang kamao. "Malamang. Sino'ng tangang magpapalunod?"

Ngumisi siya. "Don't get ahead of yourself. When the right person comes along, you might want to learn how to swim."

"Puwede bang magsalita ka sa lenggwahe natin?" pang-aasar ko bago tumalikod sa kanya. "Tinanong ko lang naman kung gaano kabilis magkagusto sa isang tao tapos may pa-outing ka na agad d'yan. Jusko, ang hirap mo talagang kausapin."

I didn't wait for her to say anything else. Dumiretso ako sa kwarto namin ni Karsen at naupo sa kama. I knew exactly what Mari meant by that, but I was sure I wasn't there yet. Like cigarettes, I could get rid of Juancho if I wanted to.

Sa trabaho ay laman iyon ng isip ko. Simula nang maamin ko sa sarili na nagugustuhan ko ang mukha ni Juancho ay hindi na niya nilubayan ang sistema ko. I didn't even know when it started. It felt like a long-buried feeling that came back to the surface.

Simula first year ay sigurado na akong hindi ko itutuloy ang pagkagusto ko sa kanya. He was perfect in every way except for one—his father was a shady politician, and I just couldn't overlook that fact.

There was no way to explain to anyone why I hated politicians, why I had never trusted one, or why I wouldn't even associate myself with them.

Hindi naman kasi madaling sabihin sa iba na ang pulitika ang dahilan kung bakit inabanduna ako ng mga magulang ko.

"Mirae."

Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nang marinig ang mapanuksong tinig ni Coach sa likuran ko. I turned around to face him with a frown.

"Coach naman..."

Tumawa siya. The creases on the sides of his lips were evident. Nang i-forward ko sa kanya ang record ng call namin ni Juancho ay hindi ko na-edit out ang first part. Hindi niya na ako tinigilan dahil do'n. He thought that something was going on between us.

"Mag-o-overtime ka?"

Tumango ako. "Ang sipag ko, Coach, 'no? Baka maghirap ka dahil sa'kin."

He laughed, shaking his head. "What time are you going home?"

Sandali akong napaisip. Wala naman akong gagawin sa apartment. May mga dapat akong aralin, pero puwede namang bukas o sa ibang araw.

"Anong oras ang last class mo?" I asked. "Assist kita."

"Gabi na. Around 8."

I smiled. "Okay. Edi, hanggang 8 ako."

After a long morning of training, we took a break for lunch and went to an eatery in the area. Ako lang ang babaeng assistant trainer sa gym pero hindi naman naging problema 'yon. We were all treated the same regardless of our sexuality, and Coach had always made it clear that I was his top assistant trainer. Ako rin kasi ang pinakamatagal. Halos kasabayan ko na ang mga licensed instructor. If I studied more and filled out the necessary permits, I could become a taekwondo instructor. Hindi ko lang sineseryoso dahil hindi naman talaga ito ang linya ng gusto kong trabaho.

"Nakakapag-aral ka pa ba n'yan, Mill?" tanong ni Sir Jimmy, ang main instructor sa judo at karate. "Parang lagi kang nasa gym."

Tumawa ako. "Time management lang, Sir."

"Time management tapos bagsak," pang-aasar ni Dash, isa sa mga kasamahan kong assistant trainer.

"Ay, kailangan bang pumasa?" pakikisakay ko.

They laughed at me. Nangingiting napailing na lang ako. I had been open about how hard school was for me, and they just told me that it was normal for someone who worked hard. Gagaan sana ang loob ko kung hindi ko kaibigan sina Karsen, Mari, at Kat. Napagsasabay nila ang pagtatrabaho habang pumapasa sa mga klase nila.

"Inom tayo mamaya?" pagyayaya nila matapos naming mananghalian. "May bagong bukas d'yan sa kanto. Try natin."

Sumang-ayon kaming lahat bago tumulak pabalik sa gym. We were chill at work. No rivalry. No tension. Just how I liked it. Parang magkakabarkada lang kami kahit pa ako ang pinakabata sa'min. I never felt left out.

We were so excited about getting drinks on a weekend night after a busy day at work that the afternoon flew by.

"Susunod na lang kami ni Mill. Dalawang oras lang 'to," sabi ni Coach nang mag-clock out na ang mga kasama namin. Tumingin siya sa akin at itinuro ang locker room. "Magpalit ka na."

I pointed to my Dobok. "Hindi tayo taekwondo?"

Umiling siya. "Krav Maga."

My mouth immediately hung open. "Krav Maga?!"

"Oo. Hindi ko ba nasabi?" Kumunot ang noo niya. "First class ngayon ni Montero."

Hindi ako agad nakapagsalita. I tried to understand what he said, but the longer I tried, the less I could believe it. I mean, of course! Alam kong dito enrolled si Juancho, pero hindi ko alam na ngayon ang umpisa ng klase niya! After submitting all his requirements and conducting the interview, I forgot to follow up on his schedule.

"Why do you look scared?" Rinig ang panunukso sa tono ni Coach. "Akala ko ba wala?"

"Wala naman talaga, Coach!" I defensively uttered. "Nagulat lang ako!"

He chuckled. "Chill."

Huminga ako nang malalim. All of a sudden, my heart was bursting at the seams. Kung kanina ay excited akong matapos ang trabaho para makapag-inom, ngayon, parang gusto ko na lang umuwi! I didn't bother him for two days after realizing I was kind of into him... tapos magpapakita siya rito ngayon?! Hindi pa ako prepared!

Pumunta ako sa banyo ng locker room at napasandal sa pinto noon. I placed my palm on my chest and felt it thump as I imagined Juancho and how handsome he would be while training.

Sa salamin na nasa dingding ng banyo ay kitang-kita ko ang pamumula ng mukha ko. I cringed so hard at the sight, but I couldn't stop thinking about him, so my face kept getting redder and redder.

"It's all in your head," bulong ko sa sarili. "Si Mill ka, hindi si Mirae, okay?"

I calmed myself. I'm not sure how I did it, but I did. I wore my black Dri-FIT shirt with my name printed on the left chest and my black track pants with three white stripes down each leg. Inilagay ko rin sa lower waist ko ang grade belt ko. Green belter lang ako dahil hindi ko naman sineseryoso ang pagt-training ng Krav Maga.

Paglabas ko ng locker room ay gusto ko na agad tumakbo pabalik sa loob. The man I had been trying so hard to push out of my mind was there with Coach, but the class hadn't started yet.

"Ito na..." sabi ni Coach nang makita ako.

Shivers rushed through my body as I walked up to them. Nakatingin si Juancho sa akin, walang bahid ng gulat o pagtataka ang mukha. Itim na T-shirt at track pants lang din ang suot niya pero naghuhumiyaw sa gilas at tikas ang presensya niya. Bahagya ring magulo ang buhok, at kahit may distansya, kapansin-pansin ang pamumula ng mga labi niya.

I gasped inwardly and turned aside, my heart throbbing again. I mentally chanted the things I needed to remember.

Okay, time to act professionally, Mill. Hindi puwedeng mahalata ni Coach na kinakabahan ka... at mas lalong hindi puwedeng mahalata ni Juancho na apektado ka sa presensya niya. You like him, but not really, really much. Lukewarm lang. Level 1. Kaya pa 'yan.

"Introduce," saad ni Coach nang makarating ako sa puwesto nila.

My nose instantly picked up Juancho's clean, masculine, and premium fragrance. Amoy effortless na mayaman.

I sighed. Fine, level 1.5.

"Mill. Assistant," I said as I forced a smile. "Kilala mo naman na 'ko."

The corners of his mouth pulled up slightly as Coach let out a chuckle. Sa pagsilay ng maliit na ngiti ay pinigilan ko pa ang mapatitig sa mukha niya.

Tangina. Kung alam ko lang na private class pala 'to, sumama na lang sana ako sa mga katrabaho ko. Coach obviously didn't need me here, and Juancho was the last person I hoped to meet today. Hindi ako pinatulog ng pagtawag niya sa'kin ng Mirae, at hanggang ngayon, nag-iinit pa rin ang mukha ko kapag maalala 'yon.

The lunch he gave me was fried rice and fried chicken with a lot of extra chicken skin, which I assumed were the ones he removed from the order he gave to the old woman. May bottled water din doon at mangilan-ngilang piraso ng tissue paper. I stared at it in disbelief for quite some time, and I probably wouldn't have started eating if Sadie hadn't told me I looked stupid.

"I will be the one handling you," Coach told Juancho. "Mill will only be here to help you with warm ups, power drills, and cardio exercises."

Napahinga ako nang malalim. Basic lang 'yon... bakit ba ako kinakabahan?! Ang OA na!

"You have a solid background in martial arts, so I'm sure you'll get along fine. However, Krav Maga is not a martial art because it doesn't have any art in it. It's only an Israeli Defense Forces' self-defense system useful for survival," Coach explained. "Combination 'to ng boxing, judo, jiu-jitsu, and aikido. Hindi ka mahihirapan dahil may knowledge and skills ka na sa judo and aikido. Pero sa ngayon, kahit ano'ng rank and grade mo sa ibang martial arts, you're a white belter in Krav Maga."

Juancho nodded, and Coach continued to talk to him about the underlying principles and explain almost the entire training curriculum. Sinabi rin ni Coach ang safety precautions, proper attire, at iba pang fundamentals.

Pinigilan ko ang sarili sa panonood kay Juancho habang taimtim siyang nakikinig. When Coach told him to wear the white belt, I knew it was already my turn.

"Warm up, Mill," utos sa akin ni Coach.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Juancho. Pasimple akong lumunok bago inginuso ang floor-to-ceiling na salamin.

"Sa tapat tayo," sabi ko.

Nilampasan ko siya at naramdaman ko ang pagsunod niya sa akin.

Nasa likuran ko lang siya hanggang sa makarating kami sa tapat ng salamin. He was looking at me in our reflection, and I couldn't help but feel a bit of tension between us. The gym lights were on because it was already dark outside, so I was able to get a good look at his perfect complexion.

We were both on the whiter side, but I was a few shades lighter than him. Hakab na hakab sa maskuladong katawan niya ang T-shirt at ang dalawang manggas nito ay nakayapos sa matitipuno niyang mga braso. Isang tingin lang, mahahalata nang batak ang pangangatawan niya. With his ripped, chiseled chest and toned, sturdy shoulders, no one could dispute his authority.

"Start na tayo?" Pinatatag ko ang boses. I couldn't let him know how he affected me.

"Sure," he hesitated. "Ma'am..."

Matigas ang pag-iling ko. "Mill lang."

He tilted his head and studied me intently as if he could decode my thoughts. A few seconds in, a shadow of a grin touched his lips.

"Ayaw mo ng Mirae?"

I clenched my fist in rage. At his playful, low voice. At my heart's reaction.

"I'm working. Today is not the best day to mess around, Juancho," saad ko. "Don't worry. Hindi kita guguluhin ngayon. I'm here as an assistant trainer, not a student in need."

He nodded slowly, amusement coating his eyes. "Okay, Mill."

Kinurot ko ang sarili nang makita sa salamin na namumula ang pisngi ko.

Calm the hell down, Millicent! He wasn't even a god for you to react like an immature teenager! Ano 'to?! Mapa-Mirae o Mill, tatalandi ka?! Ayoko! Hindi ako papayag!

"Jumping jacks," I said in a formal tone. "Stand up straight, feet together, and hands at your sides. Itaas mo 'yong kamay mo hanggang ibabaw ng ulo mo, and then, jump high enough to split your feet apart." Ginagawa ko lahat ng 'yon habang nagpapaliwanag.

Magsasalita na ulit sana ako nang tumikhim siya.

"As much as I don't want to spoil your explanation, I know how to do jumping jacks."

"Oh..." Saglit akong natigilan. "Okay."

I cursed myself a dozen of times at that. Of course, alam niya! Hindi siya bata! Hindi siya baguhan! He could even do these freaking warm up exercises on his own! Bakit ba ako natataranta?! Eh, ang lakas-lakas ng loob kong umaligid sa kanya kapag nasa school!

"A lot of people don't," pahabol ko na lang.

We started doing jumping jacks, with me being highly self-conscious about my appearance. Kahit kaka-shower ko lang, pakiramdam ko ay pawis na pawis na agad ako.

"Speed up," I said as I did the exercise faster. "And then slow down..."

Sumasabay siya sa akin. Kapag nakababa ang kamay ko ay mabilis niya ring ibababa ang kanya. Kapag bumabagal o bumibilis ako ay gumagaya lang siya.

"Okay, pick your heels up," I instructed after a few routines of jumping jacks, both of us still in motion. "Tuloy-tuloy tayo, ha? Jogging, pero hindi umaalis sa puwesto. Put your hands behind you."

Tahimik lang siyang sumunod sa akin.

"Good. Now, high knees. Get a little bit higher. Hands, boxing position..." I tried hard not to be caught up in his face. Sa salamin lang ako nakatingin sa kanya dahil nasa likuran ko siya. "In and out with your legs."

Pakiramdam ko ay walang kuwenta ang ginagawa ko dahil masyadong madali 'to para sa kanya. But then, warm ups were just warm ups. They didn't need to be so extreme.

"You look different when you're serious," he commented while doing the exercise.

Naputol ang pag-iisip ko. I poked my tongue into my inner cheek and kept my make-believe professionalism.

"No unnecessary talking," I ordered.

Napangisi siya. "I'm sorry, Mirae."

Hindi ko alam kung ilang santo ang natawag ko para hindi siya patulan. He was provoking me for reasons only he could understand! The last time I checked, irita pa rin siya sa'kin. What was up with his silly grins now?

Jusko, hindi ko yata talaga makukuha ang timpla niya. Sa school, suplado at masungit siya. Sa phone call, mabait at malumanay. Tapos dito sa gym, parang mapang-asar. Kung iba-iba ang personality niya depende sa lugar, dapat ko sigurong subukan na dalhin siya sa simbahan. Baka sakaling pumayag na siya sa punyetang interview na hindi na matapos-tapos!

"Okay na," I concluded.

That was the longest 10 minutes I had endured in my entire life. I could feel my heart racing, but I wasn't sure if it was because of the exercises or because of the tall guy behind me. Sa buong warm up na 'yon, may maliit at tila nalilibang na ngisi siya. If only I wasn't working, I would have yelled at him for making fun of me.

"Tapos na, Coach," saad ko nang makalapit kami sa bleachers kung saan siya nakaupo. Pilit kong ikinalma ang paghinga para hindi niya mahalatang kinakabahan ako.

Kumunot ang noo niya, parang takang-taka sa amin. Nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin niya sa aming dalawa ni Juancho pero hindi ko magawang sundan ang mga mata niya. I tried so hard to keep my back turned to Juancho, who was standing not far behind me. Nakalayo na rin kami sa salamin kaya ligtas ang ekspresyon ko mula sa kanya.

"Ba't parang hingal na hingal kayo?"

One question was all it took for me to glance at Juancho. Nang lingunin ko siya ay iniilag niya ang mukha sa akin. Pumaling siya sa ibang direksyon, ni hindi itinago ang pag-iwas.

Gaya ko, hinahabol niya rin ang paghinga. Namumula pa ang tainga habang nakakuyom ang panga.

That sight was enough to send me into a frenzy. I tried not to dwell on the thought, but I couldn't help but wonder if he was affected too.

I mean, we did some stretching and light exercise in front of a mirror, and he was looking straight at me the whole time. Ginawa niya lang ang dapat gawin. Ginawa niya lang 'yon para masundan ang sinasabi ko. Hindi ko dapat iniisip na may ganoon akong epekto sa kanya.

"Mill, you're all red. Hindi ka naman tumigil sa pagca-cardio, 'di ba? What's wrong with your breathing? Warm up lang 'yon," usisa sa akin ni Coach.

Nag-isip agad ako ng palusot. "Medyo pagod lang po. Kanina pa 'ko, eh."

"Hindi mo naman first time tumagal, ah? Umaabot pa tayo ng madaling araw minsan," aniya. "Baka hindi ka na nagmu-multivitamins. I told you that we should all stay active and healthy. 'Yon ang priority n'yo."

Great, nasermunan pa.

"Sorry, Coach."

Isang beses siyang tumango. "I'll take it from here. Sumunod ka na kina Dash."

I took a quick look at Juancho and was taken aback by his posture—head cocked to one side as he peered at me from behind Coach's towering shoulders. Parang sinadyang sumilip.

Nang mapansing nakatingin ako ay tamad lang siyang umiwas. Tumayo siya nang tuwid at umakto na parang walang nangyari. Ang kaninang namumulang tainga ay bumalik na sa dati nilang kulay. Miski ang paghinga niya ay banayad na.

I scoffed inwardly. Okay, edi hinapo lang mula sa exercise. Weakshit.

"Mill..."

Umiling ako. "Hintayin na kita, Coach."

"Hindi na. Mabilis lang 'to. I'll still pay you... kung 'yon ang ikinababahala mo." Pinitik niya ang noo ko. "Go ahead. Mag-uusap pa tayo bukas."

Wala akong nagawa. Hindi na ako nagpaalam sa kanila at dumiretso na sa locker room. I packed up and left the gym to go to my colleagues. Half of me was relieved that I wouldn't have to die of a heart attack, and another part was upset that I wouldn't get to see Juancho again unless I went to see him.

Habang naglalakad ay napahawak ako sa labi ko.

I was smiling... and the warmth in my heart was overwhelming.

In his voice, my name sounded like a prayer, like a sacred rite carved in stone, like he had been practicing it for a long time. Nasa isip ko lang siguro 'yon dahil gusto ko siya, pero sa ngayon, wala akong pakialam. Maganda ang pangalan ko sa mga labi niya. Whether it was Millicent, Mill, Velasco, or Mirae, I liked hearing him call my name.

Napatawa ako sa sarili. Ito siguro 'yong tinatawag nilang kilig. Masaya kahit kinakabahan. Nanginginig kahit sa tingin lang.

Ang corny. Wala naman siyang magarang ginawa para maramdaman ko 'to.

He was quickly approaching my very essence, and I knew I shouldn't let him in. Humanga ako sa kanya noon, pero nang malaman ko ang kasaysayan ng pamilya niya ay ibinaon ko iyon sa limot. So, now that I learned he was actually spending his hard-earned money and that his principles were intact, what excuse could I give myself to bury this feeling again?

His relationship status?

I chuckled as I shook my head. God help me, but I don't think having a girlfriend would stop me from liking him.

"O, ba't ang aga mo?"

Ngumiti ako sa mga katrabaho. "Pinauna ako ni Coach. Ano'ng inorder n'yo?"

I joined them in their drinking, and while we were cracking up at each other's jokes, I felt a little ashamed of myself for liking someone so quickly. Hindi ko pa lubusang kilala si Juancho. Ni wala kaming seryosong pag-uusap. Ni hindi ko siya nilalapitan kung hindi ko kailangan.

And yet... my heart had a mind of its own. At hindi ito dumaan sa proseso.

"Dahan-dahan, Mill! Baka umabsent ka bukas, ha?"

Hindi ko pinansin ang tawanan nila. I just drank straight from the bottle, hoping that these feelings would drown themselves.

I wish I could ask anyone if this was normal. Si Karsen, nagustuhan niya si Kobe kasi matagal niya nang idol 'yon. May foundation ang nararamdaman niya. Si Mari, nagustuhan ang ex niyang gago kasi nanligaw naman sa kanya 'yon. Si Kat, isang lalaki lang ang nabanggit niya sa tanang buhay niya kaya hindi ko alam kung ano'ng opinyon niya tungkol dito.

Ayoko ng nararamdaman ko. Ayoko ng kilig at walang-rasong saya. Ayokong madagdagan ang mga kaibigan ko sa listahan.

It was a constant struggle between my heart and mind, at ngayon ko lang napagtanto na bobo talaga ako dahil natatalo ang utak ko.

"Sa'n ka pupunta?" tanong ni Coach na kararating lang.

Itinuro ko ang labas. "Yosi po."

"Dito na."

Umiling ako. "Papahangin lang."

Wala namang pumigil sa'kin. Lumabas ako at naupo sa bangketa habang pinapanood ang pagdaan ng mga sasakyan. Nasa kanto ang inuman kaya hindi naman problema mamaya ang pagsakay. Marami na ring bukas na poste ng ilaw dahil malalim na ang gabi.

There on the pavement next to me was a pack of cigarettes. I lit the end of a stick and put it into my mouth.

I was tipsy as I closed my eyes and remembered a poem I made as a child.

"If they leave, wave them goodbye. If they come back, don't ask them why. If not, live happily and die. Don't let the sky hear you cry. Don't let the birds see you sigh. With a smile, don't tell anyone these lines are all a lie."

I smiled to myself, remembering how I wrote it after burning the letters my mother had sent me.

"If they leave, wave them goodbye, run to your room, and weep a lullaby. If they come back, don't ask them why; just be glad they passed by. If not, live happily and die; in heaven, go and say hi. Don't worry, the sky was too high to hear you cry. Don't worry, the birds were too free to see you sigh. With a smile, let someone know you are not really fine."

Nagmulat ako at marahang napatawa. I was such an emo kid. The heavy eyeliner, the skulls, the black roses, and the metal music—it was a phase I loved and went through. The phase that marked the turning point in my life where I decided I didn't want any more abandonment and vowed never to devote myself to anyone again.

I was scared of being alone. I was scared of being left out. So, when I learned that people come and go, I didn't want any more of them in my life. Gusto ko, lahat ng papasok sa buhay ko, lahat ng mamahalin ko, lahat ng gugustuhin ko, mananatili. Kung aalis sila, sigurado akong dadalhin nila ang isang bahagi ng pagkatao ko na lagi kong hahanap-hanapin.

I wanted wounds I could see. Kasi alam ko kung paano gamutin 'yon. Kasi alam kong darating ang araw na kusa 'yong maghihilom. Kasi alam kong hindi habambuhay masakit.

But the wounds I couldn't see? They were fatal. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng gamot. Hindi ko alam kung kailan maghihilom. Hindi ko alam kung kailan mawawala 'yong sakit.

And so, if I wanted to keep this up, I shouldn't let my skin-deep feelings get in the way.

"You really look different when you're serious..."

Napalingon ako sa gilid ko at natagpuan doon si Juancho na nakaupo na katabi ng pakete ng sigarilyo. Nakatingin siya sa akin, malamlam at misteryoso ang mga mata.

At that moment, I froze, and the beating of my heart was so loud that it almost drowned out everything else.

Pinanood ko kung paanong lumipat ang atensyon niya sa hawak ko.

"Pang-ilan mo na 'yan?" tanong niya.

It took me so much courage to look away. Humarap ako sa daan bago itinuro sa kanya ang dalawang upos ng sigarilyo malapit sa paa ko. The music from the pub behind us could be heard drifting over, and vehicles were rumbling by, but the only thing that made real sense was that he was sitting next to me on this parched, dusty pavement.

"Can I?"

I glanced at him as I hid my surprise. Hindi ko alam na nagyoyosi siya.

Itinuro ko ang pakete sa gitna namin. "May laman pa 'yan."

Umiling siya. "I quit almost four years ago. I just want a taste."

I pointed at the pack again. "Ayan nga."

"'Yong iyo na lang. Mahaba pa naman."

Napakurap ako. "Ito?" sabay taas ng sigarilyong nakasingit sa hinlalato at hintuturo ko.

He chuckled. "Yeah, can I?"

Taka man ay tumango na lang ako. I handed up my stick and watched as he swiftly slid it into his mouth. The cloud of smoke prompted him to scrunch his brows slightly. Hindi na nga sanay.

"How was it?" I asked when he gave it back to me.

He lowered his gaze as a soft chuckle came out of his lips again. He looked carefree.

"Nakakamiss."

Napatawa na rin ako. "Why did you even quit? Takot kang mamatay?"

"Nah. Smoking isn't allowed at school, and a student leader should set an example."

I made a face. "Corny."

"Right?" He shook his head, mocking his own choice. "But, no regrets."

Hindi ko alam kung parehas kaming lasing dahil nakakapag-usap kami nang walang sungitan o inisan. It just felt easy and unforced.

"I'm sorry about your arm and for being harsh on a few occasions," he muttered.

Warmth suffused my heart. "Natural 'yon. Alangan namang yakapin mo 'ko habang ginugulo ko ang pribado mong buhay, 'di ba?"

"Still..."

Umiling ako. "'Wag na. Magu-guilty lang ako. Tama na 'yong inis ka sa'kin para quits quits lang."

We weren't facing each other, but I could see him from the corner of my eye. Nakatingin siya sa akin habang ang mga kamay ay nakatukod sa likuran.

"You have green eyes..." mahinang aniya, tila nililigawan ang parte sa akin na gustong lumayo sa kanya.

"I'm half Irish," sagot ko. "Mother's side."

He was silenced for a moment before he spoke again.

"Bunso ka?"

I shook my head. "Parehas tayo. Only child."

Akala ko ay mapuputol na roon ang usapan namin kaya tumalon ang puso ko nang magtanong ulit siya.

"Do you live far from here?" He cleared his throat. "May dala akong motor..."

"Malapit lang. Nilalakad ko pa minsan kapag naipambili ko ng cup noodles ang pamasahe." Tumawa ako. "Alam mo 'yong cheesy cup noodles? 'Yon."

He leaned in. "Your favorite?"

"Oo," saad ko bago tumingin sa kanya. "No'ng una, hindi ko siya gustong-gusto kasi hindi naman ako mahilig sa gano'n, pero overtime, dahil 'yon 'yong swak sa budget, hinanap-hanap ko na."

"Cigarettes, cup noodles..." Umiling siya. "You are so healthy."

"Worried ka?" I smirked. "Okay na 'yan. In the end, we're all gonna die."

He rolled his eyes, a smile crossing his lips. "Pero takot kang bumagsak?"

I paused for a while and realized that I was talking so much with him... and I liked it. I was comfortable talking casual things about him.

"Kay Ma'am Capuso? Oo. Ayoko na siyang maging teacher ulit." Sumimangot ako nang maalala ang mukha ni Ma'am. "Saka, gusto kong makapagtapos. Panampal na rin sa mga nagsabing pariwara ako."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Who told you that?"

May tama na nga siguro ako dahil nagsasabi ako sa kanya ng mga bagay na wala namang katuturan. Bagay na hindi niya naman dapat malaman.

"Marami. Nanay ng mga naging kaklase ko, mga nakaaway kong teacher, mga nambully sa mga kaibigan ko, 'yong guidance counsellor natin sa school kasi buwan-buwan niya na lang daw akong nasa office niya, saka 'yong mga estranghero sa daan kapag nakikita nila ako," I enumerated. "Mahilig kasi akong magkulay ng buhok dati, tapos nakahiligan ko ang piercings. Rinig na rinig ko 'yong binubulong nila sa mga anak nila na 'wag daw akong gagayahin kasi wala akong future."

Pumungay ang mga mata niya. "You believed them?"

"At some point, yes." I cracked a smile. "At this age, all I've done is stay alive."

"And... you don't feel good about that?" Walang panghuhusga sa tinig niya. He was just... asking.

"Ewan. I don't ponder much about life." I sighed. "I go with the flow. I stop when I know I'm at risk. Life isn't a puzzle that needs to be solved; it's just there, existing in its simplest form. Matulog kapag inaantok, kumain kapag nagugutom, magpahinga kapag napapagod."

"It's not easy for the poor."

I nodded. "That's where the government should start looking. No one should be deprived of sleep, food, or rest because these are basic human needs. But, sadly, the rich can sleep soundly whenever they want after stuffing themselves with all the food they craved, while their people toil away in the heat for shit income."

Natahimik siya.

"And some may argue, why are we so reliant on the government..." Yumuko ako. "Tanginang mga bobo. Mas gusto nilang mapunta ang pera ng bayan sa bulsa ng mga nahalal kaysa sa mga totoong nangangailangan? Ang laki ng tax natin, ang laki ng utang natin sa ibang bansa, pero... nasaan lahat 'yon? We have no transparency, and the projects for the poor were manipulated by the rich. Kapag may backer, kahit hindi qualified, pasok ka. Pero kapag wala, kahit salat na salat, uuwi ka pa ring walang dala."

I lifted my head and gazed at him. There was a courage in my heart I knew came from the alcohol... and this little chat.

"I'm starting to look up to you, Juancho. Don't ever turn a blind eye to injustice. Kahit pamilya mo pa."

He smiled. A smile so sweet I never thought he could muster.

"You'll make a good journalist."

Napakurap ako, bahagyang umawang ang mga labi. It was the first time I'd ever heard that... and it was the warmest compliment I'd ever gotten.

"Stay true to your values. The ones you were talking about need brave people like you to speak up for them. You said that all you did at that age was stay alive, but why didn't you take pride in your principles?" Itinagilid niya ang ulo at mas lalong ngumiti. "And rest assured, I'll uphold my morals as long as I live."

I felt like I slowly lost some of my defenses when I looked into his eyes. Sa kakausap sa kanya ay hindi ko na napansin ang sigarilyo kong namatay na ang ningas. I put my knees together and rested my head on top of them, still looking at him drunkenly.

Mapungay rin ang mga mata niyang nakatingin sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung inis ba ang nababasa ko o pagkamangha.

"Inaantok ako..." bulong ko.

He let out a low, soft chuckle. "Is it your thing to sleep wherever you want?"

Ngumuso ako, wala nang ganang makipagtalo. "Inaantok nga ako."

"Yeah?" Nakangisi pa rin siya. "Okay, sleepyhead. I won't leave, but I'll wake you up in 10 minutes."

"20..."

Umiling siya. "Your position isn't comfortable. I'll take you home after a nap."

Soothing my eyelids shut, I allowed myself to drift off to sleep, and in my slumber, I heard Mari's voice.

"You know it's already more than attraction if you feel connected with them. Masaya ka kapag nasa paligid siya, at komportable ka kapag magkasama kayo."

Oh, dear me, ito na yata 'yon.