Chapter 11

From: Salty Juancho

Forget it. I don't care who you like. I still won't do the interview.

Ala una na ng madaling araw nang matanggap ko ang mensaheng 'yon mula sa kanya. Nangangalkal kami ni Mari ng puwede kong isuot para sa photoshoot, at kahit halos dalawang oras na ang nakakalipas nang sabihin ko sa kanya ang tungkol sa pageant, hindi pa rin siya kumakalma.

"Pageants need to be planned for like a month. You have to study for Q&A and work on your killer walk," paglilitanya niya habang inilalabas ang kung ano-anong dress sa cabinet niya. "Gaya n'yan. Sa Friday na agad ang photoshoot n'yo. May kliyente ako no'n! Magca-cancel pa ako."

Hindi ko siya pinansin. I sat in her bed and typed a reply to Juancho.

To: Salty Juancho

Damot mo. Kapag ako na-delay, sisisihin kita hanggang sa mamatay ako.

I sulked a bit after hitting the send button. I needed to act like I wasn't interested in him in any way. Baka napapansin niya nang iba ang tingin ko sa kanya kaya kampante ang ngisi niya nang tinitingnan ako no'ng practice.

His face was still vivid in my mind. Kahit ang pagraragasa ng kaba sa puso ko ay hindi ko malilimutan. He was attractive in every sense possible, and I couldn't believe I actually liked him despite our minimal interaction. Ni hindi ko madala ang sarili ko para tanungin siya ng tungkol kay Psyche. I had the feeling that if I knew what was going on between them, I would be disappointed.

Ibababa ko na sana ang telepono para tulungan si Mari nang muling mag-vibrate ito.

From: Salty Juancho

It's past midnight. Thinking about your boy so much you can't sleep?

Napasimangot ako sa text niya. Pakiramdam ko ay inaakusahan niya ako na lumalandi. Eh, ano naman sa kanya ngayon kung gising pa ako at nag-iisip ng lalaki? Ni wala nga siyang pakialam! If he did, he'd definitely do the interview!

To: Salty Juancho

No questions, please. I'll only answer personal questions when you do the interview. Pero since tumanggi ka na, I think I have to figure things out on my own.

From: Salty Juancho

Keep thinking about him then. And stop approaching me. I won't tolerate you anymore.

Kumunot ang noo ko. Ano bang nangyayari sa kanya at pikon na naman siya? I thought we'd come to terms already! Ang bait-bait niya na sa'kin no'ng nakaraan!

To: Salty Juancho

Stop approaching you? Paano kita ma-i-interview?!

A minute has gone by, and he still hasn't responded. I gripped my phone tightly and tapped out another message to him.

To: Salty Juancho

One last topic and you're not going to hear anything from me again. I swear. Kung gusto mo, ide-delete ko rin 'yong maisusulat ko after malagyan ng grade ni Ma'am. I won't write shit without your approval. I only need the interview details and a picture for documentation.

"Are you seriously texting someone right now?" untag sa akin ni Mari, magkasalubong ang mga kilay at nangingilatis ang mga mata. "Magsusukat ka pa. I'm a bit taller and curvier than you. You might still need to have the outfit altered. Wala nang oras para magpa-chill-chill ka."

"Teka lang," sagot ko sa kanya bago muling ibinaba ang tingin sa telepono, umaasang may sagot na si Juancho pero wala. "Sa project ko 'to."

I gave in to the impulse to send him another text message, which I knew I didn't mean and wouldn't intend to do.

To: Salty Juancho

Okay, edi 'wag. Nauubos na ang rason ko para mapapayag ka. Bahala ka na. Thank you na lang sa mga info.

I didn't mean it. Gusto ko lang siyang inisin dahil naiinis ako sa hindi niya pagre-reply. Wala sa plano ko ang tigilan siya hangga't hindi pa siya pumapayag sa gusto kong mangyari. We've made it this far already; I wouldn't end up not interviewing him.

Sighing, I put down my phone and sat next to Mari on the floor to look through her closet. Marami na siyang inilabas pero wala akong matipuhan sa mga 'yon. If I had to choose, I would want something dark and not too fancy. I didn't want to stand out. I just wanted everything to be settled.

Matagal kaming natahimik. Maya-maya'y sumandal siya sa paa ng kama at nagbuntong-hininga.

"Umiiyak si Karsen?"

Agad na kumirot ang puso ko sa naging tanong niya. After hearing Karsen's sobs, I did my best to put it out of my mind. She sobbed herself to sleep, and I had to sneak out of our room because I couldn't stand the thought of lying in bed and doing nothing for her while she was in pain.

Dahan-dahang akong tumango, ang dibdib ay naninikip para sa kaibigan. Ang payat-payat niya na. Bukod sa hindi pa kami nakakapag-grocery, madalas ay wala rin siyang gana kumain.

"Iniiyakan niya 'yong mga bestida at hairclip niya," sabi ko. "Obvious naman kasi na ayaw niyang ibenta 'yong mga 'yon. Ayaw niya lang humingi ng tulong sa'tin."

"She looks so sad, Mill..." rinig ko ang panlulumo sa boses ni Mari. "Hindi na siya madaldal. Hindi na siya nakikipagtawanan sa'tin. She has shut herself off too much."

Hindi ako nakasagot agad. Napansin ko rin iyon kay Karsen. Naging tahimik siya at tila laging maraming iniisip. I tried to ask her what I could do to help her, but all she did was smile and shake her head as if nothing was wrong.

"I-date natin siya bukas tapos mamili na rin tayo ng stocks," saad ko kay Mari. "Pinag-iipunan ko 'yong internship namin, pero next sem pa naman 'yon kaya gagastusin ko na muna. Mag-o-overtime na lang ulit ako sa gym."

"Wala akong extra." I heard her sigh. "Pero, sige. I will work things out. We can't let Karsen be on her own. Kailangan niya ng diversion."

Sumandal din ako sa paa ng kama at natulala sa pag-iisip sa kaibigan. Hindi rin nagtagal ay narinig namin ang pagtunog ng telepono ko at hindi ako nagkamali nang makitang si Kat ang tumatawag. She asked us what was wrong, and like us, she was worried about Karsen. Hindi rin siya makatulog sa pag-iisip, at nang makitang online ako, hindi na siya nag-alinlangan sa pagtawag.

Wala kaming napili ni Mari na isusuot ko sa photoshoot dahil hindi na namin nabalikan ang mga bestida. We just talked about our youngest and what we could do to show her that we were there for her no matter what. Basa ko sa mata ni Kat ang labis na pag-aalala dahil hindi naman lingid sa kaalaman namin ang gulong napasok ni Karsen.

She was in a relationship with a celebrity, and the supporters and the general public would not make things simple for her in any way. Kami ang kailangan niya ngayon. Just one firm approval from Karsen and I'd fucking run to Kobe and tell him to solve things on his own.

Sa pinto ng kwarto namin, tinitigan ko ang nahihimbing niyang mukha. Gone were the smiles that once shone in my heart. Gone were the cute chuckles and innocent eyes. Ang tanging natira lang ay ang mga tuyong luha sa namumulang pisngi at ang nagsusugat na mga labi mula sa matinding pagkagat sa mga ito para hindi ko marinig ang pagtangis niya.

Karsen was at her rock bottom all because she fell in love... and yet, some would still insist that love wasn't terrifying, even though it could destroy a person so thoroughly.

Tumabi ako sa kanya at yumakap. I caressed the side of her head with a gentle kiss, being cautious not to wake her up.

"Magsumbong ka lang sa'kin..." Nabasag ang boses ko. "Sasaktan ko lahat para sa'yo."

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakatulog pagkatapos noon, pero nang magising ako, wala na sa tabi ko si Karsen. Pumunta ako sa kusina at napansing wala na talaga kaming stocks kaya kailangan na naming mamili mamaya.

"Nakita mo 'yong cup noodles ko?" tanong ko kay Mari na kalalabas lang ng banyo. I looked in our cabinets, but the cup noodles I bought yesterday wasn't there. "Kabibili ko lang no'n, eh. Nasaan kaya?"

Umiling siya. "Nand'yan pa kagabi. Hindi kaya inumagahan ni Karsen?"

"Hindi naman kukuha ng pagkain 'yon. Alam niyang sa'kin, eh," sagot ko. "Hayaan na nga. Mag-breakfast muna tayo sa canteen tapos hanapin natin si Karsen para sabihan siya ro'n sa paglabas natin mamaya."

Naghanda na rin ako papunta sa school habang si Mari ay nag-abang sa akin sa sala. Mabilis naman akong natapos dahil handa na ang uniporme at mga gamit ko. Inisip ko na rin ang gagawing pamimilit kay Juancho kahit pa mukhang wala na talaga sa plano niya ang pagpapa-interview sa'kin.

Nasa gate pa lang kami ng school ay rinig ko na ang bulungan ng mga estudyante. And for some reason, I felt tension building up in my core.

"Si Karsen..." bulaslas ko agad.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Mari. Tumigil kami sa paglalakad at gumilid sa pathway. Kinuha niya ang telepono at wala pang isang minuto ay narinig ko ang pagsinghap niya.

In a panic, I reached for her phone and read the news she was browsing... and to my horror, it was an article about Karsen and the rumors that she was having an affair with her boyfriend. Naglabas ng statement ang agency ni Kobe kaya lalong nadiin si Karsen.

"Mill..." Mari called out to me, sounding hopeless.

Ramdam ko ang pamumuo ng galit sa dibdib ko. Ang mga nagbubulungang estudyante ay nakatingin na rin sa amin ni Mari, tila hinihintay ang reaksyon namin bilang mga kaibigan. Lalapitan ko na sana ang mga ito nang hawakan ni Mari ang braso ko.

"Hanapin muna natin si Karsen."

Hinalughog namin ang mga posibleng puntahan ni Karsen. We looked everywhere, from her room to the garden to the computer lab. Hindi kami nag-uusap ni Mari pero alam kong kinakabahan din siya gaya ko. Nang ilang hakbang na lang ang layo namin sa canteen ay namataan ko si Karsen sa loob, nakayuko at gumagalaw ang mga balikat.

"Karsen!" sabay na sigaw namin ni Mari nang tuluyang makapasok sa canteen.

She lifted her head, and when I saw tears in her eyes, my mind went blank. In her hand were my cup noodles, and I felt a surge of pain drawing my heart when I realized she looked guilty for eating my food.

Lumapit kami sa kanya at pansin na pansin ko sa mukha niya ang kagustuhang humingi ng tawad. I was furious, almost irrational with rage against all those responsible for her agony.

"Tangina, ano'ng tinitingin-tingin n'yo?!" sigaw ko nang marinig ang bulungan sa paligid.

Nanginginig ako sa galit. The old, familiar feeling of anger I had whenever one of my friends was being picked on.

"Kabit!"

Naputol ang pisi ko. I looked at the plastic table with a tray on it and immediately flipped it over, making a loud clank that echoed through the canteen. Alam kong mali ang unahin ang galit, pero nang mga oras na 'yon, wala akong ibang gustong gawin kung hindi ang matahimik ang lahat para kay Karsen.

"Isang imik mo pa, ikaw ang babaligtarin kong hayop ka."

I wanted to do it. I really, really wanted to punch the student in the face until she pleaded for help and stopped falsely accusing Karsen of wrongdoing.

Nang umimik pa siya ay handa na akong ma-kickout. All of a sudden, finishing college didn't seem like the most important thing to me anymore because all I could hear were Karsen's little sobs, and each one made my heart feel like it was about to explode.

I was ready to lash out in a blaze of rage when Mari stopped me.

"Alisin muna natin si Karsen dito."

Hindi na kami naka-attend ng klase. Pigil na pigil ang emosyon ko dahil ayokong ipakita sa mga kaibigan na nadadaig ako ng galit. Ni hindi ko na napuntahan si Juancho lalo't punong-puno ng pag-aalala ang puso ko para kay Karsen. There were rude fans and reporters, and I had to keep my temper in check so they wouldn't write an article about Karsen being friends with an aggressive woman.

Kobe picked her up, and for the first time in my life, I admitted to myself that I couldn't protect my friend.

Tinambayan ng reporters ang apartment namin, at kahit ilang beses ko na silang itinaboy, pabalik-balik pa rin sila. The thought that one day I might become like them disgusted me because they wouldn't think twice about entering other people's lives in pursuit of gossip. Ang daming importanteng bagay na puwedeng pagtuunan ng pansin pero nandito sila at nag-aabang ng walang kuwentang balita.

It was the day of the photo shoot when Kat called to give us the current update about Karsen.

"Homeschooled na muna siya. Hindi na rin muna siya uuwi d'yan dahil iha-harass lang siya ng reporters. She'd stay with Kobe until things were settled."

"That's better. Hindi siya safe dito," saad naman ni Mari.

Napalayo ako sa kanila, hindi makapaniwala sa naririnig. Ilang araw lang na wala si Karsen sa apartment ay halos matanga ako kakaisip kung kumusta siya. Tapos ngayon... ibibigay nila si Karsen kay Kobe? Para akong masisiraan ng bait.

"Mill..."

I shook my head at Mari. "Hindi ako papayag. Ibabalik ni Kobe si Karsen dito ngayon din."

"Mill, calm down," saad ni Kat sa video call.

"Hindi, Kat!" Tumaas ang boses ko. "Hindi natin kilala 'yon! Paano kapag sinaktan no'n si Karsen?! Pauwiin mo siya ngayon dito o susugurin ko ang putanginang lalaking 'yon!"

"Mahal ni Kobe si Karsen..."

"Mas mahal ko si Karsen!" pabalik na sigaw ko. My breathing was labored. "Kung kinakailangang mag-sit in ako sa klase niya, kung kinakailangang hatid-sundo ko siya, gagawin ko! Basta ibalik n'yo si Karsen! Ayoko nang wala siya rito. Mamamatay ako sa pag-aalala."

Yumuko si Mari at dahan-dahang umiling. "Hindi natin kayang protektahan si Karsen, Mill. The school and this apartment aren't safe for her."

"Putangina naman," nanghihinang utas ko. "Bakit n'yo naman ipapamigay si Karsen? Tangina, atin 'yon, eh. Ano'ng alam ni Kobe sa pag-aalaga ro'n?"

"Mill, uuwi naman si Karsen kapag okay na lahat."

"Kailan pa, Kat?! Eh, sinabi mo ngang homeschooled na, eh! Matatagalan!"

"Maupo ka, Mill. Wala tayong matatapos kung hindi ka kakalma," sabi ni Mari pero umiling lang ako.

"Bahala na kayo. Magpapalamig muna ako."

Lumabas ako ng apartment at nakita ko pa ang mangilan-ngilang reporters. Pero sa galit ay hindi ko na sila pinansin. Nang makarating ako sa room ay takang-taka ang mga kaklase ko dahil hindi pa ako nakaayos samantalang si Derek ay handang-handa na. I'm not sure if I could smile for the camera. Masyadong nababagbag ang loob ko para isipin pa ang paparating na pageant.

Lilimang minuto pa lang akong nakaupo ay kumatok na si Mari sa pinto ng silid namin.

Umiling ako sa kanya pero naglakad lang siya papunta sa'kin, ni hindi nahihiya sa mga kaklase kong nakatingin na sa kanya. Sa labas ng room ay kita ko ang makeup trolley at ring light niya.

"Mamaya ka na sumumpong. Aayusan na kita," sabi niya nang tumapat sa upuan ko, para bang hindi kami nagkaroon ng pagtatalo sa apartment.

"Ayoko."

She exhaled. "Millicent, ayokong higitin ka palabas. Nanghiram pa ako ng dress na isusuot mo at nag-cancel ng appointment kaya 'wag mo 'kong subukan."

"Ayoko nga," mas madiing sagot ko.

Tahimik lang ang mga kaklase ko, nakikinig sa alitan naming magkaibigan.

"Let's talk about it again after your photoshoot. You can't shut down because of a problem. Marami ka pang gagawin."

Hindi pa ako nakakasagot ay hinaklit niya na ang braso ko patayo. She pulled me out of the room and kept dragging me until we got to the activity center. Nadaanan pa namin ang grupo ng mga law student na napatingin din sa amin. Even Juancho, whom I haven't seen in the past few days, was surprised. Mabilis lang na nagtama ang mga mata namin dahil hinihigit ako ni Mari.

Habang inaayusan ay tahimik lang ako. Mari brushed my cheeks gently with something I couldn't name. Kunot ang noo niya at halata sa mukha ang pagpipigil na pagalitan ako.

"We have to trust Karsen," bulong niya habang nilalagyan ng kung ano ang mata ko. "Lagi mong sinasabi na hindi na bata si Karsen... at totoo 'yon. She's old enough to make her own choices. Naniniwala akong mahal siya ni Kobe, dahil kung hindi, hindi naman niya hahayaang masira ang career niya para kay Karsen."

I took a deep breath, my heart clenching at the thought.

"Don't get me wrong, Mari. Alam kong mahal ni Kobe si Karsen, at ganoon din si Karsen sa kanya. I admire Kobe for fighting for her, but I couldn't accept their decision. Wala na si Kat sa'tin." Umiling ako. "Ang hirap tanggapin na wala na rin si Karsen."

"They're not gone, Mill. They just went on with their lives, but they were always there. We could even visit Karsen in Kobe's pad once everything is taken care of."

Hindi na lang ako sumagot. Hinayaan ko siyang gawin ang makeup ko, at nang sabihin niyang magbihis ako ay hindi na rin ako nagreklamo.

The green color of the dress she brought matched the shade of my eyes. Ang neckline ay sakto lang ang baba pero sapat na para bahagyang sumilip ang bukana ng dibdib ko. The long sleeves and top were perfect for hiding my tattoo, and the skirt ended right above my knees. The fabric was silk, and there was a belt around the waist to hold the dress together.

Ni hindi ko magawang mag-react sa repleksyon ko. I looked like a totally different person with soft makeup and a dress on, but I couldn't think of anyone else but Karsen.

Nang lumabas ako ng banyo ay matagumpay ang ngiti ni Mari. A few finishing touches and she walked with me to the pathway where the photoshoot was set to take place.

The candidates were already there when I arrived. Nagpaalam sa'kin si Mari dahil may klase pa siya at tinanguan ko lang siya.

I felt different. Pakiramdam ko ay ang pangit-pangit ko sa ganitong ayos. Hindi ako komportable lalo at maraming mata ang nakatutok sa akin. Kasama na roon ang grupo ng law students na hindi pa umaalis sa bench kung nasaan sila kanina. Even the candidates were eyeing me, and I had to glare at each one of them to avoid feeling awkward.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Juancho and his classmates looking at me. Hindi ko siya madiretso ng tingin dahil binabaha ng pagkailang ang dibdib ko. Simula nang ma-issue si Karsen, hindi ko na siya nagawang puntahan at kumbinsihin sa interview. I was too preoccupied with my friend to give much thought to anything else.

"Ang ganda mo, Mil—"

"Keep it to yourself, Derek. Hindi ako natutuwa."

Tumikhim siya at pinosisyon na lang ang sarili sa tabi ko. Napansin ko ang pagsisikuhan ng ilang kandidato habang nakatingin sa akin, pero nang samaan ko sila ng tingin ay ibinalik nila ang atensyon sa pinipicturan.

Reflectors and cameras were all there. Nakatulong din na hindi masyadong mainit ngayon kaya sigurado akong maganda ang kalalabasan ng pictures. Natural light naman kasi ang habol ni Ma'am Capuso kaya sa pathway lang ang photoshoot.

Almost all the students who didn't have classes were watching, and I wasn't too dumb to notice that they were taking pictures of me. Kung hindi lang maraming iniisip ay napatulan ko na sila. Wala pa man ay nagsisisi na akong nag-ayos ako nang ganito.

When my name was called, I couldn't help but look over to Juancho. He returned my gaze with a raised brow and smug grin, as if I had done something he didn't approve of. Dumoble ang pag-aalinlangan sa puso ko, at sa mga oras na 'yon, wala na akong ibang gustong gawin kung hindi ang umalis doon.

"'Yun, oh!" asaran ng mga kaklase niya na pilit kong inignora.

Tumapat ako sa camera, at bahagyang sumilip ang photographer sa akin, nangingiti.

"Ganda, ma'am," sabi pa niya.

I smiled awkwardly. "Salamat po."

Huminga ako nang malalim at muling nahigit ng grupo nina Juancho ang atensyon ko. Lahat sila ay nakatingin sa akin pero ang mga matang natagalan ko ng titig ay ang sa kanya. He was sitting on a bench with a piece of paper in his hand, but all his eyes were fixed squarely on me the moment I got there. Ni hindi siya umiiwas kahit na ibinabalik ko ang tingin niya.

Why was he even here? Hindi naman kasama sa schedule niya ang pagtambay sa pathway.

"Isang fierce at isang may smile, okay?" saad ng photographer. "Fierce muna. Think of something that makes you angry as you look at the camera."

I didn't hesitate to think about Karsen and the situation she was in. Sa pag-alis niya, wala na akong kasama sa kwarto namin. Wala nang kamay ang yayakap sa akin at maliit na boses ang magtatanong sa'kin kung kumusta ang araw ko. Wala nang pupugpog ng halik sa pisngi ko kahit na ipinagtutulakan ko siya. Wala na akong pagagalitan dahil masyadong malakas ang pagpapatugtog niya.

I knew it was my problem. Tama sina Kat at Mari na hindi ko kontrolado ang buhay ni Karsen. Totoo rin na mas ligtas siya sa puder ni Kobe dahil wala naman akong maibibigay sa kanya kung hindi ang sarili ko. I couldn't get her bodyguards. I couldn't buy a house to isolate her away from the harsh comments of people. I couldn't protect her on my own.

"Ganda!" muling kumento ng photographer. "Smile naman."

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawin 'yon. Sinubukan kong itaas ang dalawang sulok ng labi ko pero hindi ako makangiti nang maayos.

"Ms. Velasco, smile!" sigaw ni Ma'am Capuso.

I swallowed hard as I tried to smile again, but it didn't work.

"Hindi mo kayang ngumiti?" tanong ng photographer. "Think of something that makes you happy."

Sinubukan kong isipin sina Kat at Mari pero bumabalik lang ako sa naging pag-uusap namin kanina at kung paanong ayos lang sa kanila na manatili muna si Karsen sa ibang bahay. Nakakatampo. Hindi ko maisip kung paanong naging madali para sa kanila ang bitawan nang ganoon ang kaibigan namin.

Feeling hopeless, my attention slowly shifted to the corner where Juancho was. Nang magtama ang mga mata namin ay bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya.

"Smile," he mouthed.

I was hesitant, but he nodded at me in a way that made me feel like I should just go ahead and smile.

Isang beses akong umiling dahil hindi ko kayang plastikin ang sarili ko pero inilagay ni Juancho ang dalawang hintuturo sa magkabilang gilid ng labi niya at hinigit iyon pataas, para bang tinuturuan ako kung paano ngumiti.

We weren't close. We weren't even friends. But at that moment, I felt like he had seen through me. Like he knew I couldn't smile, so he just showed me how to fake one.

Humarap ako sa camera, at kasabay ng malalim na buntong-hininga ay ang pagpapakawala ko ng isang malaking ngiti.

The photographer commended me again, but I was too stressed out to even mutter a thanks. Hindi ko na pinanood ang photoshoot ng ibang candidate dahil pumunta na ako sa room namin para kunin ang bag ko.

"Magcu-cut ako," tanging sabi ko lang kay Sadie bago lumabas ulit.

I changed into my uniform and took off my makeup. I didn't know where I would go, but I didn't want to be here because my head was all screwed up. Nagtatampo ako kina Mari at Kat habang inuulan ng pag-aalala ang dibdib ko kay Karsen.

I knew I needed something to take my mind off of things, so when I spotted a recognizable guy who I had just seen earlier standing next to his motorcycle and staring at his phone, I felt like he was the one who could help me.

I heaved a sigh and tried to look casual again.

"Hi," I said as I walked up to Juancho, acting as if nothing had happened.

Naibaba niya ang telepono at namimilog ang mga matang napaangat ang tingin sa akin.

"Why are you here?" Halata sa tinig niya ang gulat.

Nagkibit-balikat ako at ngumiti sa kanya. "Aalis ka? Pasama ako."

He looked at me in disbelief as if I had told him something ridiculous. I took my focus off of him for a second and realized that his motorcycle came with two helmets. Kung mapapakiusapan ko siyang isama ako, sigurado akong matatahimik sandali ang utak ko.

"Why? Akala ko ba tapos ka nang maghanap ng rason para mapilit ako?" pagsusungit niya.

"Joke lang 'yon." I cracked a chuckle before returning my gaze to him. "I-interviewhin pa rin kita."

He let out a sigh, seemingly annoyed by my presence again. Ang makapal na kilay ay magkasalubong at ang mga labi ay magkadikit sa pagpipigil.

"Ayaw mo?" I asked. I wasn't in the mood to get into an argument with him. Kung hindi siya papayag ay hindi ako magpupumilit. I would just grab a drink somewhere. "Don't worry. Next week pa ako manggugulo ulit. Gusto ko lang talagang sumama."

"Aren't you supposed to be in class?"

Tumango ako. "Cutting."

He squinted. "And you want me to let you?"

Nagbuntong-hininga ako. Guess he wasn't the right person to distract me.

"Ang dami mong sinasabi. Kung ayaw mo, ang dali-daling tumanggi. Hindi naman ako mamimilit," saad ko na lang. "Isumbong mo 'ko kung gusto mo. I'll face the consequences next time."

I turned away from him and started walking, but after just a few steps, he spoke up.

"Sakay."

I didn't think twice. Bumalik ako sa kanya at kinuha ang isang helmet para isuot iyon sa akin. Ilang minuto lang ay binabagtas na namin ang daan paalis ng school.

Gaya ng unang beses na umangkas ako sa kanya, hindi ko alam kung saan kami papunta. Pero gaya rin ng unang beses, alam kong ligtas ako sa kanya.

As he picked up the pace, I let go of my inhibitions and wrapped my arms around his waist. My defenses were down. At that moment, I felt like a piece of my soul had been ripped out of me, and all I wanted was to scream.

Tumigil ang motor sa isang farm. Tinanggal ko ang helmet at pinalibot ang tingin sa buong paligid. Everything was green, except for a tiny wooden cabin off to one side and a folding chair in the foreground. A rocky path then led to a pond at its end. Mukha itong abandunadong bukid.

Sumunod lang ako kay Juancho nang maglakad siya papunta sa cabin. Binuksan niya ang pinto at inilabas doon ang mga fishing equipment. I sat in the chair and just watched as he pulled his motorcycle up next to the cabin. Sunod ay kinuha niya ang isa pang folding chair at tumabi sa akin.

"Mangingisda ka?" hindi napigilang tanong ko.

"Yeah. Wanna try?"

Umiling ako. "Hindi ako marunong."

Natahimik kami, parehong natulala sa maliit na lawa, at banayad ang mga paghinga. The water gleamed in the afternoon sun, reminding me that I was out with Juancho again and how grateful I should feel that he brought me along with him. Akala ko ay sa trabaho ulit siya pupunta pero mukhang magpapahinga lang din pala siya.

"Do you want to drink?"

Napalingon ako sa kanya. "Drink as in alak?"

He quickly looked at me and nodded. "Gusto mo?"

"Seryoso ka?" Kumunot ang noo ko. "Pinayagan mo akong mag-cutting tapos hahayaan mo akong uminom kahit class hours. Do you hear yourself?"

He let out a gentle laugh, and I had to take a moment to catch my breath at that. Its soothing tone made me forget that our relationship wasn't solid enough to warrant such an attachment.

"You seem down. Hindi ako sanay." He pursed his lips. "I'm still annoyed at you for not telling me who your stupid crush is, but I'll put that aside because you look like a small volcano ready to erupt."

I blinked and stared at him even more. "Ba't ka maiinis do'n?"

"Stop asking." Umirap siya. "Ano? Gusto mo ba?"

Ngumuso ako at sumandal sa upuan. "Meron ba?"

"May malapit na tindahan. I can buy a few cans."

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. "Okay. Mamaya na kita babayaran pagdating."

Hindi na siya nag-aksaya ng oras. Tumayo siya at lumapit sa motor niya. After a few minutes, he drove off without saying anything.

Habang naghihintay ay pumunta ako sa lawa bitbit ang upuan naming dalawa. It looked smaller when I was looking at it from a distance, but now that I'm closer, I can see that it's deep and vast.

Sighing, I shut my eyes and let the gentle sunlight warm them.

Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng ginagawa ko... o kung tama ba ang pananaw ko.

Sa aming apat na magkakaibigan, pakiramdam ko, ako ang pinakanagmamahal. Ang pinakatakot na mawala sila. Ang pinakanasasaktan kapag nakikitang umiiyak sila.

I loved too much, and that was my problem. Noon pa man, alam kong darating ang araw na mamumuhay sila nang hindi ako kasama. I remember crying the first night Kat went to the province, even though I had told myself a million times that she had been vocal about wanting to go there.

From the moment our little group of four began playing together in the shelter, I've worried that they won't want to be my friends anymore. Hindi maganda ang ugali ko. Palaaway, palamura, at agresibo. Sila lang tatlo ang nakatitiis sa akin... ang nakatagal.

Others might think I was overreacting because Karsen and Kat were no longer living with us, but I couldn't help it. They were my only family... the ones I chose to spend my life with. At kapag hindi ko sila nakikita, hindi ko malalaman kung ano'ng nararamdaman nila. Hindi ko sila mabilis na mapupuntahan kapag may nanakit sa kanila. Ni hindi ko manlang sila mayayakap sa panahong kailangang-kailangan nila no'n.

I'm too much. I'm holding on to them so tightly that I'm suffocating them. I'm too attached to them because I've made them my lifeline.

Sa aming apat... ang pagmamahal ko sa kanila ang pinakanakakalason. At alam kong sa oras na magmahal ako ng iba, sa akin babalik ang kamandag ng sarili kong damdamin. I was so scared of being left alone that I would lock up the people I love for myself. They could have fun, but they had to go home with me. I was so afraid of being left alone that I would hold on to the hands of the people I loved even if they tried to remove me from their lives. They could let go, but they had to pick me back up again.

Everything I felt and thought was overwhelming, possessive, and out of control... and I didn't know it until now.

"Here you go..."

Nagmulat ako nang maramdaman ang pagdating ni Juancho. Dala niya ang fishing equipment, at kahit may bumabagabag sa loob ko ay hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti nang makitang naka-helmet pa rin siya. Nakataas ang salamin nito kaya kita ko ang agad na pagsusungit sa mga mata niya.

"Are you making fun of me?" inis na sabi niya habang ibinababa ang mga gamit kabilang ang supot ng biniling root beer.

Itinuro ko ang ulo niya, at pansin na pansin ko ang kaunting pamumula ng mukha niya nang mapagtantong may suot pa siyang helmet. He cleared his throat as he took it off. Bago pa naupo sa tabi ko ay iniayos niya muna ang mga fishing equipment niya.

Limang root beer in can lang ang binili niya. When I asked him about it, he said it was all for me and that he wouldn't even consider drinking because he'd have to drive later. I didn't bother him with any more inquiries and just sat there sipping my root beer in silence while he fished.

The tranquility between us brought back to my thoughts how filthy my heart had become. Hindi ito puro at dalisay, payak o mapagbigay. My heart—that beating organ in my chest—was selfish, bitter, and territorial.

Kahit na alam kong hindi ko kayang protektahan si Karsen, ayoko pa ring pumayag na hindi na siya uuwi sa amin. I wasn't stupid. I knew it was just the beginning of how I would lose a dear friend to her boyfriend.

"Are you okay?" Juancho asked after a long period of silence.

I was stumped for an answer, but the need to be honest with him was so strong that I eventually just laughed it off.

"Bakit naman hindi?" tanong ko pa.

"You can't smile earlier in the photoshoot." Nagbuntong-hininga siya. "And it looks like you've got a lot in mind."

Ngumisi ako. "Close na ba tayo para magsabi ako sa'yo?"

He scoffed. "I'm just asking. 'Wag mong sagutin kung ayaw mo."

I took a sip of my root beer and felt a little better that he had noticed I was down. I wasn't the hardest to read, but I really liked it when someone came up to me and asked. Para kasing handa silang makinig kahit hindi naman ako madalas magsabi.

"Do you usually do this?" I asked.

"Alin?"

Lumabi ako. "Fishing."

"Yeah, it helps me think."

"Hindi ba boring?"

Umiling siya. "It's peaceful and practical. Just how I like it."

"Paano naman naging practical 'yan?"

"Fish makes a good dish." He chuckled. "If I'm running out of money, I just go fishing."

Having a conversation with him was like drinking a cold refreshment on a hot afternoon, having a cup of coffee first thing in the morning, or watching the twilight mist roll past the bus window. It was comforting in the sense that I could get a good look at this side of him, as it gave me some insight into his character.

"Do you fear anything, Juancho?"

He looked at me, surprised at my sudden inquiry.

"It's not an interview question. 'Wag kang mag-alala," tawa ko.

Sumandal siya sa upuan niya habang ang mga kamay ay nakakapit pa rin sa fishing rod. Iniiwas niya ang tingin sa akin at itinuon ang atensyon sa banayad na tubig.

"I'm not sure," sagot niya. "I've been on my own for so long that I don't think there's much I'm afraid of."

Tumango ako bago ginaya ang posisyon niya. "Sabagay. You're independent and reliable. For sure, kaya mong mag-isa."

I heard him chuckle. "No one can survive alone, Mirae. Humans need humans no matter how much they try to isolate themselves."

"You think so?"

"Mhmm..."

"You don't think it's a sign of weakness to make people stay because you can't live alone?"

"It's not weakness..." he trailed off. "It's love."

Napangiti ako. He was right—it was love. A selfish kind.

"Kilala mo si Karsen?" maya-maya'y tanong ko bago tumingin sa kanya.

His brow furrowed a little. "'Yong girlfriend ng singer?"

Tumango ako. "She's my friend."

Napalingon siya sa akin, ang mga mata ay agad na dinaanan ng realisasyon. "Oh, it must be you."

"Huh?"

"The friend who flipped the table over... sa canteen."

Hindi ko napigilan ang mapahalakhak. Sa dami ng maaalala sa pagkakaibigan namin ni Karsen, 'yon pa talagang pagwawala ko ang tumatak sa kanya. Pero sabagay, hindi naman niya kilala ang mga tao sa paligid ko. Kung hindi ako personal na lumapit sa kanya, baka nga miski ako ay hindi niya alam na nag-e-exist.

Napansin ko ang paninitig niya sa akin kaya napatigil ako sa pagtawa. Kinagat ko ang labi para pigilan ang pagsupil ng ngiti.

"You must be sad for your friend..." he commented after my laugh died down. "We tried controlling the situation, but the reporters were just too persistent, so the police had to step in."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita agad. I didn't know there were measures being taken.

"Is that why you're sad?"

The softness of his voice touched my heart right away, and so, without saying a word, I nodded.

"Nag-aalala ka?"

Muli akong tumango.

He smiled at me. "You love her. It's normal to feel that way."

For once in my life, I wanted to confide in someone who wasn't my friend. There was just something about him and the way he sat next to me that made me think he was here to listen. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and open up to him about my thoughts.

The fact that he allowed me to come along with him even though my presence upset him and that he let me stay with him in the calm while he indulged in his hobby was enough for a portion of my heart to trust him.

"I'm possessive, Juancho," I muttered. "Once I commit to someone, I'll go to great lengths just to keep them under my wing."

I gulped to remove the building lump in my throat. I drew my gaze to the water, not wanting him to look me in the eyes.

"Hindi raw muna uuwi si Karsen sa amin," panimula ko, wala nang pakialam na sa kanya ako nagsasabi. "My other friends are okay with it; I'm not. Si Karsen ang kasama ko sa kwarto, ang tinuring kong bunsong kapatid, at ang isa sa mga taong itataya ko ang buhay ko para hindi masaktan."

The pain seeped through the cracks of my heart.

"Ang OA ko nga, eh. Totoo namang hindi ko kayang depensahan si Karsen sa mga nagsasalita ng kung ano-ano laban sa kanya. Hindi ko kayang burahin sa utak niya 'yong mga kumentong natanggap niya. Ni hindi ko kayang isa-isang saktan lahat ng gumawa no'n sa kanya..." I continued. "I've always thought of myself as the protector of my friends, but right now I'm defenseless. I can't protect her. I can't do anything but let life take its course and let her live far away from us."

Sumandal ako sa upuan at pumikit.

"Apat kami no'ng umalis kami sa ampunan, pero ngayon dalawa na lang kaming nasa apartment..."

Guess I was right when I felt like we were drifting apart. Alam kong sa pisikal na aspeto lang kami magkakalayo dahil hindi naman nila ako tinalikuran, pero hindi ako sanay... hindi ako sanay na hindi sila ang makikita ko pag-uwi... hindi ako sanay na hindi marinig ang tawanan naming apat sa bawat sulok ng bahay.

"Ampunan?"

I opened my eyes and looked over at him. "I'm an orphan, Juancho. I only have three friends with me."

Bumalatay ang gulat sa mukha niya ngunit ngumiti lang ako.

"I have always feared abandonment because the first time I got abandoned, it scarred me for life," I whispered. "Kaya ayokong nagpapapasok ng mga tao sa buhay ko. Because when they leave, there will be a vacancy in my heart that only they can occupy."

He took a long breath and leaned in closer, encouraging me to talk more and allowing me to rant to him. There was no pity in his eyes, only sincere interest in listening.

"I'm being too much, right? Ang OA ko. Hindi naman porke't malayo sila, hindi na kami magkakaibigan. Hindi dapat ganito ang nararamdaman ko..."

Umiling siya. "All I could see was your loving heart."

Napakurap ako. "Hmm?"

"You lived with them. They saw parts of you that you normally keep hidden. Their absence will make you miss them, and it's natural to feel sad when you miss someone." He smiled. "Hindi pagiging "too much" o OA 'yon. Stop downplaying your pain. If it hurts, then who cares if it's shallow or not? It's how you feel. Don't beat yourself up about it."

May kung anong kumirot sa dibdib ko. "I need them to be where I can see them. Kapag hindi ko sila kita, hindi ko alam kung nasasaktan na sila. Kapag hindi ko sila kita, hindi ko sila mapupuntahan agad para samahan. And Karsen... she was our youngest." Nanubig ang mga mata ko. "Ni hindi ko siya naipagtanggol sa mga nanakit sa kanya. She used to be so small and fragile. She used to hide behind me when bullies came up to her. Pero ngayon, 'yong mga kalaban niya... masyado ring malaki para sa'kin."

The thought of not protecting my friends hurt me, for I dedicated myself to doing so.

"I love too much, Juancho; it's unhealthy even for me..." My lips trembled as I lowered my gaze. "I'm destructive, impulsive, and have all the negative traits a person could have. Wala akong magandang ugali. Wala akong namumukod-tanging talento. Kat knows everything, the mother of our group who could straighten out our morals. Mari is the most intelligent, the most hardworking, and the one destined for greatness in this life. And Karsen... she's the most loving, the one with the most integrity."

I lifted my head and looked into his eyes.

"Pero ako? I'm the black sheep," I muttered. "No'ng naging kaibigan ko sila, napagtanto ko na sabit lang ako. Sinuwerte. They are good at different things, while all I had to offer was my physical strength. Kaya ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na 'yon ang magiging papel ko sa buhay nila—someone who could protect them, someone they could run to when things were too painful to handle, someone who could make them feel safe."

Tuluyang bumagsak ang luha ko at mabilis ko iyong pinalis.

"But I didn't succeed at that either. Si Karsen, may Kobe na. Si Mari, kahit hindi siya nagsasabi, alam kong may nag-aalaga na rin sa kanya. At si Kat, masyado siyang malayo sa'kin para asahan pa akong alagaan siya..." Dahan-dahan akong umiling. "I'm useless now."

Gustong-gusto kong iiyak lahat. Alam kong masyado lang akong nag-iisip... pero alam kong iyon ang totoo. Darating ang araw na hindi na ako ang magiging takbuhan nila. Hindi na likuran ko ang tataguan kapag nasasaktan. They would find someone stronger and better than me, and that should be fine because I couldn't protect all of them.

Tumayo si Juancho, at bago ko pa siya matanong kung bakit, naramdaman ko na pagsusuot niya ng helmet sa akin. Marahan niyang ginawa iyon na para bang natatakot siyang mabasag ako.

Yumuko siya hanggang sa magkapantay ang mga mata namin. Malambing ang paraan ng pagtingin niya sa akin at puno ng pag-iingat ang paghawak niya sa tuktok ng helmet.

"What about you?" marahang tanong niya. "If you go around protecting others, who protects you?"

I was frozen, unable to speak a word.

"You fear abandonment, but why does it sound like you're the very first person to abandon yourself?"

My vision became hazy, with tears clouding my eyes.

"People can't depend on you if you can't depend on yourself. 'Wag mong sisihin ang sarili mo sa mga pangyayari sa buhay ng ibang tao na hindi mo kayang kontrolin." Umiling siya. "You said you don't have a good trait, but what do you call a person who's crying because she's hurting for her friends? A person who's crying because she thinks she failed her loved ones? A person who's crying because she's been so, so selfless?"

Ibinaba niya ang salamin ng helmet.

"You can cry now."

Sunod-sunod na nagbagsakan ang mga luha ko, at sa pagtangis ko ay naramdaman ko ang dalawang kamay ni Juancho sa balikat ko, hinihigit ako palapit sa kanya. Hinagod niya ang likuran ko, at doon ay tuluyan kong binitawan ang takot na makita niya ako sa ganitong estado.

I was weak, and he knew it, but he didn't make fun of me like I had thought people would. Instead, he let me use his helmet so I could cry without him seeing my face.

"I think my fear now is liking someone I shouldn't have..."

I wasn't sure if I heard it right because my tears were getting in the way, but I did know that I couldn't cross any more levels because, with him, it was game over.