there is nothing i feel other than guilt. for breathing and for being. i feel it in my chest as i speak. i hear it in my voice when i cry. there are moments when i have a beautiful feeling- i do something reckless, something stupid- and i try to grasp it, to hold on to it for as long as im able. it goes quickly. it blooms and dies inside of me, like a breath.

why cant i feel good anymore? why cant i laugh or smile? why am i here? why would god put me here when i cant feel? there isnt sadness and there isnt pain. not anymore. its just existing, and i cant imagine anything worse than just existing. does depression take everything, even your identity? is this depression? is this what everyone feels?

- i dont know who i am anymore.