My sense of time is so off. After I rushed to bed last night, I cried myself to sleep and felt like a complete baby doing it.

When I wake up later, the sun is high in the sky and no one else is in the hut.

Heck if I know what time it is.

I sprint outside, fearing someone's already gone and dropped off Ayana at some orphanage already. A huge sigh of relieve escapes me as I spy Ayana clutching someone's hand.

Think, Odette, think. Literally what is one more girl in this family anyway?

I wanted to bring that girl home badly. I wanted her to feel like it was home. Though at the orphanage she's sure to be fed well and probably treated better than wherever and whoever she was with last, I still hate the idea.

Because still, no one will understand her.

No one will understand the life she's lived or how she's literally forced to keep all the things she's ever wanted to say to herself.

I'm not saying I understand-I don't. But back in Montana we can find resources. I could actually learn sign language and be able to speak it fluently with her or maybe, somehow we condo get a cochlear implant for her and teach her English.

Either way, a lot of work would be involved. But oh how it would be worth it....

If only...

If only...

I glance back towards Ayana and pay more attention to the scene in front of me in order to realize that the hand she's holding is Ebele's.

Ebele is talking to my mom and I'm about to March up to them when Jillian comes screeching towards me and nearly tackles me to the ground in a hug.

My eyes go huge and for once in my life, I can't find any sarcastic comment to throw as Chris comes jogging up to me, scratching his neck and looking humiliated.

"Soooo," he laughs. "I'll give you one guess what information she pried out of me."

Oh for the love of Peter Pan.

A smile begins to form on my face, despite my rather crappy mood, and I raise my eyebrow at Jillian. She's now standing in front of me clapping her hands like an idiot while I wait for her to say what she's wanted to for years.

"I knew, I knew, I knew... It would beeeeeeeeeeee TOOOODAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!" she belts so half the village gets the news she's crazy.

I do a slow clap, she keeps grinning like an idiot and Chris loses it and starts guffawing.

"Christopher," I tease, turning to face him more directly. "You had... One job."

"I know!" he snorts. "I know but you two must have some sort of sister telepathy because this morning she asked if "something big happened between us" and when I tried to act clueless she kept-"

"Ok, slow down there cowboy," I snort as Jillian begins to cartwheel around.

What the heck is wrong with that girl?

She lands one last cartwheel then puts on this creepy face and starts singing that one song from Tangled...

"I won't say I TOLD YOU SOOOO!!!"

I just smile, cock my head and say to Chris, "See now, this is the exact reason I need stuffed animals to throw."

Chris proceeds to laugh some more while Jillian mockingly stocks her tongue out at me. That's when I snap back to what I was about to do before Jillian jumped on me.

I turn back towards Mom, Ebele, and Ayana and head towards them, determined.

"Ebele!" I call as I come up beside her.

Picking up Ayana, I suddenly begin to question whether or not I should ask Ebele what I want to.

I'm wondering if she'll take Ayana into her care.

Ebele is looking at me expectantly and I bite my lip nervously.

Instead of going straight there, I turn to Mom.

"Mom, can't we adopt her? Please? No one will understand her here, Mom. She's a sign language speaker and-"

"Odette, don't you realize there are seven other girls we are raising-"

"So what in the heck is one more to us? Mom. I only have senior year left anyway. Then there will be just as many girls as when I was around."

"Odette Claire-"

"Mom. Please."

"Odette we can't," she insists her eyes welling up a little. "We're not going to understand her either. When do you think I'm going to have the time to learn sign language? And where do you think we're going to get another plane ticket anyway?"

I hated the way I was holding Ayana in my arms as we were discussing how her life would play out for basically the rest of it. Everything in me wants to be mad at Mom but instead, everything in me is just crippling.

"What about Ebele?" I ask in a sudden burst of desperation.

Mom throws a look of uncertainty over my shoulder towards Ebele.

"Do you think she could help?" I push.

"Odette you know very well we can't... Guilt her into adopting a child-"

"I would if I can."

I whip around a little too suddenly to see Ebele standing there with a guilty expression no one had to put there.

"I think about possibility often but it simply cannot happen. I wouldn't be a good care taker for little one. I hardly able to take good care of myself at this time."

I purse my lips together. Tears won't even fall right now. And yet in an odd way I need them to. Because I'm hurting. And the hurt is just welling up in my chest. It needs to come out; why won't it come out; why won't I cry???

"Odette, sweetie?" my mom says softly. "She's gonna be ok! Do you want to come drop her off with us?"

No. What kind of stupid question is that?

When I don't answer, she asks, "Would you rather stay here?"

No. I don't want to do that either.

"I'll come with," I finally force myself to say.

Before she can uselessly try to use words to comfort me I march back to Chris and Jillian, with Ayana still in my arms.

Their smiles instantly fade as I approach. Must be the sour scowl on my face.

"Mom says we've gotta drop her off at an orphanage."

Silence.

"You wanna come with?"

Jillian hisses something in Chris' ear to which Chris responds with simply a scowl.

"Yeah, I'll come," he says.

"I don't think the kid knows on the slightest who I am... I'll stay here," Jill says.

<><><><><><>

The orphanage isn't far at all from the village. My mom, Ebele, Chris and I all came on the trip.

I don't ever want to put Ayana down. No. There's got to be some other solution.

It's only a matter of time until the dreaded destination comes into sight. It doesn't look all that bad. In fact, it  looks rather homey.

But all I can think is how Ayana won't understand why we're leaving. She may never understand what exactly happened to her mother. Or where that big man from the day at the schoolhouse went.

I don't know for sure who that man was or what he did or meant to her. I don't know if she's truly mute or if the fact that she can't hear just rolled over and caused her to not have the use of words.

She'll never understand why Chris jumped in front of that gunshot.

I feel like I understand less about her than when this whole thing started.

Ebele knocks on the door and it opens, making the sound of both laughter and cries flood from the inside to the outside. A young woman smiles and starts talking to Ebele.

Ayana's head jerks to look at my face and that's when the tears finally come out. I bring her closer and hug her like there's no tomorrow.

My shoulder is tapped and I very reluctantly untangle myself from Ayana.

"Honey..." Mom prompts. "Put her down."

The woman Ebele was talking to says something and Ebele translates, "She says: Little girl shall be happy here."

I can only pray that's true.

Slowly, I put Ayana's feet on the ground. She stares at me with her gorgeous brown eyes. My own eyes wander to the fresh bruises from that horrible slave camp and the faded ones from who knows what...

And then back to her eyes where I see the scars that will never fade... But also something else. Courage, determination, love and beauty.

Because suffering may not be beautiful, but the way God can take that suffering and turn it into good is beautiful.

Ayana immediately wraps herself back around me with a hug and I am terrified that she thinks we're just getting rid of her or something.

She runs over to Chris and hugs him, squeezing so tight that not even that "tough guy" can hide his emotions anymore.

Once they separate, Chris straightens up and puts his arm around my shoulder as Ayana slowly grabs the hand of the woman in the building.

And then, with one last glance, I see no more fear in her eyes.

And she signs thank you.

My heart swells even as its breaking.

I'm left feeling that she'll be ok, maybe even happy here.

But even with that shred of hope peeking through, I can't help but feel like there's a piece of my heart that's been ripped out when those doors close.

And that a little girl is the one holding it.

Whether you love or hate me right now, all I'm gonna say is stay tuned because this is not the end yet!!! XD
Love you lovlies!!!