Summary: it was only meant to be a small  roadtrip along the French mountains. But now he's gone, and it was because of me.
Inspiration: I don't know XD
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It was only meant to be a small roadtrip.

We were going to take a hike; capture some photos for our instagrams; stay the night; then leave.

It didn't turn out that way.

Phil wasn't the safest of people, but damn did he like to explore. He would climb anything in his way, watch any animal he saw in its natural habitat, it was his version of comfort. He enjoyed going to Australia: seeing the different sites, hugging a koala, and seeing me be attacked by a kangaroo. He even fed an emu and got given strange looks by the cashier when he picked the emu postcard instead of the koala or kangaroo - people's general favourite animals of the country. But he wanted to be more adventurous, he wanted more.

So I booked us a small hotel room for a night near the French Alps, taking my four-by-four for the next day, and we'd hike the mountains. He screamed with joy when I told him, and was so excited.

Little did he know that it would be his little adventure and his death bed as well.

It was a Tuesday morning when we got in the car...

"I can't believe it, Dan!" He grinned as he buckled the seatbelt. We had limited our resources to a couple boxes of cereal, a flask of coffee each, and winter clothing. I should have known it wasn't enough.

"It's going to be beautiful, and I get to spend it with you." I flirted, we were a couple after all. I heard the engine roar and reversed out the car park, and onto the main, rocky roads.

We started to get in the mood, listening to Death Of A Bachelor, but who knew it would be the death of a boyfriend on this vacation of ours.

Phil smiled at me, his thankful smile matching his soft, blue eyes. He moved his arms up and down to show he was dancing and enjoying the song, and I've never seen him so ecstatic.

I just chuckled, trying to focus on the road but my gaze kept on turning to his cute moves in the passenger seat. He was so innocent, so unique, and only 29.

It took an hour until we found the perfect area, covered in white sheets of snow in a little secluded area. With stunning views of the sunrise and random animals scattered across the area, Phil just gave me a look of joy and rushed out of the car to explore this perfection surrounding my Range Rover.

"Look, Dan! A deer!" Phil pointed out as one peaked out of the bushes, "do you think it's Bambi?"

"Maybe," I whispered back, "it can if you want it to be."

"I won't disturb it, I don't want it to be afraid of me."

Even though nothing could really be afraid of my cute Phil, he would never harm a single creature. It's his number one rule of exploring, as - I quote - 'you wouldn't want someone annoying you in your home, would you?', and he's right. His calm hands would never disturb any animal, so he observes them from a distance, writing down information in his notebook.

We began exploring the area, taking many selfies and admiring the horizon in front of us. It was mesmerising. White fluffy clouds dotted the skies, standing out from the blue background. We sat there for what seemed like hours, hand in hand as we gazed at the passing sky. Phil looked at me, his eyes filled with glee.

"Do you like adventures like this?" He asked, I stuffed my hand into the cereal box beside me and shoved the contents into my mouth. I shrugged as I swallowed the crunchy flakes.

"If it makes you happy, then I'd do them all the time."

"Yeah, but do you enjoy them?" He questioned, demanding an answer. I did enjoy every moment we were exploring, but I do enjoy the home comforts of Netflix and Doritos a little more. It's something about watching a gripping scene as you lick all the Dorito dust off your fingers that makes me feel safe, not frying deer guts and climbing mountains without any safety precautions.

"I don't know, it's not particularly what I'd do if I didn't know you, but you make it more fun."

The next day, we ran out of cereal. Phil had a binge session while we talked about random pop culture and conspiracy theories. The coffee soon went cold and we were forced to cook our own food - which ended up being deer guts. Phil, somehow, thought it tasted of chicken, but all I could think about is that it was probably it's butt or something similar. It wasn't very appetising.

It took us a whole day to find that deer, and create the items needed to catch it. Even though I played Call Of Duty and Fallout often back at home, I couldn't seem to stab this creature with a wooden spear we'd made. It probably had a little family of its own, and I wouldn't want to take that little piece of happiness away from it.

It was nightfall, and the skies turned a navy blue which was accented by the occasional, once-white clouds, which were currently a gloomy grey. Small balls of light lit up the sky, and it was somewhat clear enough to see each one sparkle. The next decision I made would be one I regret for the rest of my life. I stood on the edge of the cliff, unlocking my phone. 10%, dammit. I called Phil over and opened up snapchat, turning around and putting my arm around his waist. Our heels were over the edge, so we put pressure on our toes to keep us upright. I picked the dog face filter and took the photo, Phil's eyes sparkling gloriously in the crescent moonlight. I let go of his waist, and as I began to walk away, Phil (being the clumsiest person walking on earth) tripped up. Then he started slipping down the cliff, with nothing to grip hold on except my arm.

"Dan!" He cried, causing me to run and grasp hold of his clammy hand. We were both sweaty from fear, which didn't help at all. I tried to pull him up, but my feet were slipping towards the edge. I knew muscular strength wasn't my greatest topic in physical education, but in that moment, I wished I had improved on it more.

"You are not going to fall!" I cried, "help!" I tried to shout as loud as possible, yet I knew there wasn't anyone around to hear my screams.

"Dan, it's not gonna work." He let out a single tear, "I'm slipping," I could feel his hand slowly slide out of mine, causing me to hold on even tighter. We were both soaked in our own tears, and I knew I was losing my Phil.

"I'm not letting go! Not now! Not ever!" Then, his fingertips touched mine, and I knew that this was it.

"I love you, Dan." And then he fell, both of us screaming as he fell to the ground. A few birds flew upwards after his impact, and I knew I'd never see him again.

I was out there for a few more days until I was found, Phil's motivation being the only thing keeping me alive. My friend, Louise, noticed I was gone for more days than expected, and I was escorted home on a helicopter.

We couldn't even hold a funeral because it was too hard to get to Phil's body. We just mourned in a church, and left to our normal lives. I knew mine would never be the same though.

I've never been exploring since his death 2 years ago, his story going viral on the Internet. I've stayed indoors watching Netflix and eating Doritos, going outside occasionally to see friends and do the shopping. The Range Rover still sits outside our - no, my apartment, and whenever I sit inside, I just feel his presence. The house seems empty and lonely without Phil around, but when I'm cleaning up his room, his presence surrounds me as well.

It was my fault he died. I surprised him with the trip of a lifetime. We stood to close to the edge. He slipped out of my reach and plummeted to the ground below. Philip Michael Lester is dead because of me, Daniel James Howell.