All summer long the waxen, moon faced, unscrupulous pie making libertine pursued Penny with an almost religious fervour.

Pawser would often find Nobby lurking at the bottom of the drive, sometimes just sitting his van, on occasion leaning against the fence looking across the fields toward the house. Whenever Nobby caught sight of Pawser he would scuttle back to his four wheeled crust dispenser to disappear down the lane shrouded in a cloud of black exhaust smoke leaving the slight whiff of burnt sausage in his wake.

For a while Pawser suspected he had a disturbing intent toward Penny's horses, Tilly and Milly and was there assessing how many of his pies they could both fill. But Nobby had a vastly more sinister plan than Pawser could ever have envisaged. For Nobby was carefully observing his quarry and vigilantly noting down her every habit. He would pop by and drop off free pies, bump into her casually in the paper shop; he even took to serving tea at the WI functions. Penny was taken, but not completely swayed.

But then, one late summer's morning Nobby appeared at Pawser's door and played his master stroke.

'Is Penny in matey?' he asked casually, leaning his pie crammed frame against the door. He was attired in full huntsman's outfit, red jacket, white jodhpurs and knee length riding boots. In his arm he cradled a black riding hat and leather crop. Pawser suspected he'd spent many hours in front of the mirror perfecting this look of casual exterior elegance in a vain attempt to conceal his flabby, uncouth interior.

'Yes, did she tell you she's become vegetarian?' Pawser ventured.

'Has she?' Nobby looked dismayed and shuffled uneasily in his squeaky riding boots.

'Anyway, why are you dressed like that? You must feel a real Pratt sitting on the bus in that get up?' Pawser needled.

'I didn't come by bus matey, believe me. It's my hunting attire. Do you like it?' said Nobby standing up straight and pulling down his jacket where it had ridden up over his copious stomach.

'That's one hell of a kit to go off big game hunting in. Have you come on an elephant driven by your mahout?'

'Who's that, Pawser?' Penny called from the lounge.

'It's Captain Caruthers, the Master of the Hunt. Just enquiring if we've seen his elephant.' said Pawser.

'Oh Nobby. You do look handsome.' Penny arrived at the door a little quicker than Pawser would have liked.

'I've got something to show you,' Nobby announced proudly puffing his chest as he stood back from the door.

'I hope you didn't say that to the school girls on the bus. The last bloke that did that ended up handcuffed to the rear door of the bus with his trousers stuck over his head. The time the police caught up with him he'd ran two marathons round the village in absolute darkness,' remarked Pawser.

Nobby stared at him, his dead eyes barely registering Pawser existence.

Pawser stood and watched as the indomitable pie nosher took Penny by the hand and led her outside. Pawser followed at a respectable distance allowing him the time to work out where he'd like to kick Caruthers up the arse to leave the best foot imprint on his immaculate white jodhpurs.

'This is my new mount,' Nobby announced with a flourish.

For a moment Pawser though he was talking about Penny. An unbelievable liberty! He stepped back, swung his boot back as far as he could, and momentarily gauged the distance to ensure his foot would have maximum impact when it made contact with Lardy's behind. And then he stopped.

Nobby's stallion must have been six feet to the shoulder. Six feet of black, rippling, nervous, snorting tension. Like a wild animal straining to be released from his bonds, he was dragging the iron gate to which he'd been tethered out of its hinges as his head shook frenetically to and fro. Seeing Pawser, the beast frantically pawed the earth with his forelegs, shuddered and neighed wildly. Penny's horses Tilly and Milly had retreated to the other side of the field in sheer terror. He was truly an awesome sight to behold.

'Oh Nobby, he's magnificent,' said Penny and leaned over and kissed Nobby and the cheek. Pawser lined himself up to get another shot at Nobby's ample rear end.

'Isn't he?' puffed Nobby proudly, 'he's called Mephistopheles.' Nobby shuddered in the sheer exhilaration of receiving Penny's kiss. Pawser thought for a second he was going to skip over and kiss Mephistopheles on both cheeks in gratitude at his deigning to attend, for surely Nobby could not have bought him to the house against his will.

'Well,' said Nobby glancing warily at Pawser, 'I must be off. Give me a call sometime soon. We can go out for a hack together.'

'Thanks for the offer, matey but I'd rather not, you know how people in small villages talk,' Pawser jumped in.

'I meant Penny actually,' Nobby clipped his heels together, bowed to Penny and strode purposely over to Mephistopheles.

'Have you seen the size of his thingy? It's obscene!' remarked Pawser to Penny. It was without doubt the most enormous wang Pawser had ever set eyes on.

'Oh Pawser don't be so rude, it's perfectly natural. He's a full blooded stallion after all,' Penny blushed.

'Natural? It looks like an intercontinental ballistic missile. If that thing appeared in the skies over Guildford, they'd be in the shops, panic buying crates of Aqua vitae and After Eight mints before racing home to hide under their oak refectory kitchen tables.'

They watched Nobby for a few minutes as he attempted to pull in the shying Mephistopheles and haul his overweight body up into the saddle.

'Shall I get some refreshments? This could take some time,' Pawser folded his arms and rested on the fence.

'Oh, go on, Pawser. Give him a leg up. Will you?' pleaded Penny.

'Do I have to, I was rather enjoying the show?' Pawser was wondering if he should quickly slip into the shed and retrieve the deckchairs.

As Pawser edged up to Mephistopheles the beast fell unnaturally still. He stopped pulling at the reins held by a breathless red faced Nobby hand and swung around to look at Pawser. The dark centres of his eyes stood out manically against the whites as they glared darkly at Pawser. Pawser cautiously edged up, unnerved by Mephistophele's sudden calm. Grabbing Nobby by the knee he quickly hefted him up into the saddle and then retreated as fast as possible. Mephistopheles saw his withdrawal, swung around and lashed out with one of his hoofs, barely missing Pawser head.

'You alright matey, this one's got reverse you know,' Nobby, now safely ensconced in the saddle laughed.

'Jesus, did you see that?' Pawser staggered back, gasping at Penny. 'It could have killed me!'

'It's only a horse, Pawser. You should know that you need to be sensible around them. Now go and open the front gate. I'll untie Mephistopheles. Nobby wants to be off.'

Pawser walked slowly to the gate, unhitched it and dragged it open. He'd put the 'No Traders,' sign back on after Nobby's first visit but it clearly hadn't worked. He'd have to try something different -like barbed wire. He waved to Penny, who at his signal unleashed the black beast. Nobby aimed him down the drive and kicked him hard in a futile attempt to propel the deviant monster in Pawser's general direction. Just to be sure he would not get mown down Pawser climbed through the fence and stood a respectable distance back in the field. He watched as Mephistopheles backed up with Nobby struggling to keep control, do a 180 degree turn and gallop off in the opposite direction down the track towards the woods behind the house, leaving a billowing cloud of dust in his wake.

Pawser closed the gate and walked back up the drive to where Penny was still standing watching the woods. He picked up Nobby's riding hat from the ground, brushed off the dust and handed it to Penny and walked back into the house.

*

Pawser would often come across Nobby and his Mobile Missile Launcher on his way to pay his paper bill on Sunday mornings. Nobby would place himself strategically outside the village shop chatting to the locals, seeming quite oblivious to the fact that under M's enormous belly hung the restless truck of an elephant foraging continually in search for nourishment as it pawed at the bottom of Nobby's highly polished riding boots or attempted to rummage through the handbags of passing elderly ladies. The thing was quite inexcusable and Pawser had a dark suspicion that Nobby had somehow trained 'Ms' organ to perform this trick. Pawser was surprised that the village council hadn't put in a complaint as even the way Mr Green had arranged his leaks and onions in the vegetable section at last year's village fair had bought him severe censorship from Reverend and the Committee.

Pawser's only consolation in this was that Penny's horses Tilly and Milly were so evidently terrified of M's armoury that once Penny was aboard they would shoot of down the track before Nobby could get a foot in his stirrup and his hope was a the fat, pie eating slob was so exhausted by the time he caught up that he'd be too knackered to even pull his riding boots off.

Pawser couldn't understand what Penny saw in Nobby, but she was somehow besotted by his pie munching charms. It wasn't long before he knew something had changed as he looked from the small window of the bedroom upstairs and saw them returning from their long summer rides. Nobby, all hot and sweaty with big grass stains up the backside of his white jodhpurs of his ample arse, Penny all flushed and giggly.

Nobby had the irritating habit of calling Pawser, 'matey,' whenever he came a calling. Pawser particularly resented this as he thought if Nobby was getting his leg over with his wife he could have least had the decency to call him, 'Mr Bingham'. Nobby would bang on the kitchen door, having tied up his snorting penis on hooves at the gate and say, 'Hello, matey. Is Penny in? I've just popped by for a ride.' He would then stand in the kitchen rubbing his fat, clammy, grubby, pie making, wife grabbing hands together, bathe his gentlemen's area in the luxuriant warmth of the Aga and whistle tunelessly to himself to avoid having to make small talk with Pawser. Penny would arrive downstairs having spent the last hour in the bathroom dolling herself up in preparation for their sordid little assignation. Pawser would stand despondently at the back door and watch them ride off together cheerfully chatting about eel pies and rabbit pate.

Yet, despite himself Pawser could not summon up the courage to have it out with Penny. He'd sit in the shed dabbling with the bits he'd stripped off the Land Rover, slowly stewing over Nobby while trying to comprehend what it was Penny saw in him. Once, convinced he's sort it out with Nobby he jumped into the Volvo and raced over to Nobby's shop in the village but sitting outside the empty butchers shop his resolve faltered and finally failed. He persuaded himself that perhaps nothing was actually going on before dejectedly driving home to return to his shed and his fiddling.

But deep down Pawser knew the pie had been cast and Nobby now had become a permanent, unwelcome fixture in his life.