Windows were sealed shut and lights were off.

Unable to process the hastiness of the situation, I stared emptily at nothing while focusing mainly on the heaviness from my chest. A round, inanimate object made of delicate strings moved rapidly in circles. The more I ignored it, the more it grew bigger and heavier and even harder to avoid.

Cheeks turned redder. Breaths became shorter. Hands continued to shudder. Tongue tasted the bleeding lips from all the nervous biting. My body refused to cooperate with any attempt of throwing away the guilt. It was unshakeable, inevitable. It could not be put away.

Then I grabbed the pillow and sunk my face hard to it, screaming bloody hell. As loud as I could. Ahhhh! How could I have said that to him while we were making out? My thoughts caught up to me and I had no idea why I did that. A morbid idea came to mind, but I found it unnecessary to do it to myself intentionally. The guilt was already doing a fantastic job, drilling and piercing against my heart, in and out, endlessly.

Frankly, it was the first time Eric and I kissed, but it didn't feel like it was. A twenty-year-old married couple claiming to be happy by relationship length but had forgotten the feeling of young love or the butterflies and sparks flying around your stomach on a first date. Yearning for the warmth of a bonfire but all you had was a flitting flame on a broken match. That was how his lips felt.

I wasn't even thinking about him while we were in bed. My imagination drew the face whose lips I kissed, not the face whose lips I missed.

Or maybe it was both.

Regardless, anger lingered; I was mad at myself, mad at my low alcohol tolerance, mad at my stupid lips, mad at my stupid mind — everything about me I hated. Kicking the bedsheets, I covered myself with the blanket. "Why am I so stupid?" I groaned, hitting my head violently, "What am I gonna tell Eric?"

The door opened. The annoying clicking of stilettos entered and distracted me from pounding my head. I paused, listening closely to the sexy voices inside the room. A sound of a zipper pulled down piqued my interest but the woman's laugh echoed in the room.

Gross. I'd say get a room, or in this case, get another room. I tried to peak through the blankets but they weren't sheer enough to recognize the faces. Drunk exchanges of dirty pick-up lines were said. Seriously, who were these people?

The elaborate, french kissing and moaning made me all the more eager to know them. I turned my head towards the left where the disturbing sounds came from. Eyes squinted at two shadows— a tall man and a long-haired woman in his chest level.

I stopped this foolishness and removed the blanket. It was Audrey and Dr. Martin, canoodling like college students. Believe me, when I said, I was not surprised by what I saw. Not even a bit.

The couple was all over one another. They didn't notice me at all. I got to watch a porno in the front-row.

"It's feeling a little funny down here. Why don't you take a look, doctor?" She said like a country movie star from the '50s, hands all over his chest. "Oh, I'll do more than just take a look," the man replied with an accent matching to hers.

"Oh, yes," she purred, "I would —"

"Ahem..." I interrupted.

"Holy Fuck!" Audrey yelled the second she sighted me. She pushed her partner away and quickly zipped up her dress at the side.

"Yeah... I no longer could spend another second sitting here and watching both of you swallowing each other."

"How—how are you here?" Her eyes widened and lips stuttered, looking very surprised.

I didn't say a word. But I pursed my lips, took a quick glance at the buff man with an exposed torso. Then back at her.

"Oh, right," Audrey chuckled in an awkward pause, "Do—do you mind, uh, can you give me and my sister a minute?" She shyly told him.

"Sure," he replied and kissed her in the cheek, "I'll be waiting in the jacuzzi." He nodded at me then casually went to the door.

"Is that the guy from—"

"You owe me a date who's everything like Dr. Martin. Anything less means another pair of Louboutins," she demanded, "and a Versace."

"And a Givenchy...and a —"

"I get it." I cut her off before the list extended. "But is he really a doctor? Cause I don't think —"

"Who cares? He's hot, rich, and definitely not your business." Her response shut my mouth closed. Audrey sat down the bed and moaned in pain as she removed the stilettos from her feet.

Looking worriedly at the visible red marks on her toes, Audrey massaged her ankle on the bed as she sighed, "What a girl has to go through to be conventionally attractive."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Okay, sorry for saving you from heartbreak."

"Heartbreak?" Audrey gave a laugh when she put her foot down from the bed. "Dr. Martin's just casual. Unless he's willing to put on a ring on this," she stretched her hand in front of my eyes and moved her ring finger back and forth swiftly, "Then I'm also willing to open my options."

As she giggled about where her imagination had taken her, she then snapped out of it and hit my leg. "What happened between you and Eric? Were you fighting?"

"Shhh," I told her. "Keep your voice down."

"Honey, we're on a cruise. It's a sin to keep your voice down."

"Where are we now anyway? The air's getting chillier." I rubbed my arm with the palm of my other hand and exhaling heat to my skin to get the blood flowing.

"I think we're in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea," Audrey replied. Excitement plastered in her eyes and mouth, her teeth exposed widely.

Like a while ago, she completely dozed off in her daydreams in front of me. But then she recovered eventually, and when she did, she hit me again like I was the one who lost myself.

"Hey!" Audrey hit me again. "Dr. Martin is waiting for me in the hot tub and you're hogging me."

Hogging her? She was the one who went inside the room.

"What. Happened. Between. You. Two." This time she was serious, with no hint of laughter in her face. I bet she ought to continue where she and Dr. Martin left off.

"Okay, okay." I took a deep breath, interlocking my fingers nervously. "Eric and I — we — we did it." Audrey's face lighted up like she won the lottery. I didn't want to lead her on so I cleared it up right away. "I mean, we were about to do it...until I, uh, messed it up."

Having heard my idle commentary, her smile turned upside down. Her brows almost collided. "Messed up? Messed up, how? He didn't like silk fabric rubbing against his genitals?"

"What?" Ugh. "Can you be serious for just a second? I feel really bad about this." I confessed with my head down.

"I am," she told me firmly. "How could a selfish, immature, sister-hogger possibly mess up in bed? What could've she possibly done wrong?"

"You don't really mean that, do you?" I asked her to reaffirm my feelings, but I was nowhere confident she would change her mind.

"Yeah, I do," Audrey nodded as she casually insulted me one more time. "Now what the hell did you do?"

I sat down, teary-eyed like I was confessing to my mother about a long due secret. "While we were making out...I was thinking about someone else. I might have even called his name."

Audrey smiled. Not because she was happy, but because maybe what I said had reaffirmed her opinion about me. She clicked her tongue and told me, "I've told you and I'm telling you now, Avery, you're one selfish girl."

She was right. I just thought it was sad to have been reminded about what I was.

"Really? Care to explain?"

"Well, for one, just a few nights ago you were in a meltdown because of a guy you met a long ago, who's irrelevant, who you're not married to, heck, who's not even here right now." Audrey spat. "You know who's been here for you all this time? Eric."

I crossed my arms and gave her an unbothered look, which I believed was not too convincing. Every inch of my body was vibrating with guilt and shame the whole time she stared at me. When she mentioned Eric's name, I wanted to explode right there.

"The person who has stuck by your side waiting for the time you will love him the same way as he has loved you, which might never come..." she stood up and walked around me in circles, keeping me intimidated by her disconcerting glares.

Because you just needed to have it all, don't you? You loved stringing him along in your made-up promises. You loved wrapping him with your little finger," she added.

I wasn't happy with her input anymore. Instantly the environment changed but it was moving so slow. A paradox of my thoughts. She transformed from frank, bitchy Audrey to evil, menacing Audrey which I doubted is part of her many folds of personalities.

"Shut up," I spoke with conviction.

"Why are you telling me to shut up?" Audrey asked defensively. "I was just trying to help."

"By telling me all the reasons why I don't deserve to be loved?" I scoffed. "Like that's old news."

"Avery, all I said was maybe Eric will understand if you come clean to him," she clarified. "Which part of that is taunting you?"

What? When did she say that?

"No, you didn't. I heard what you said."

"Yeah, I know you heard me, but you didn't listen properly."

My mind betrayed me. For a quick moment, it portrayed my sister as someone different, someone very far from the one I knew. Feeling conflicted, I sat down on the bed, hoping to process my thoughts. Why did I hear other words coming from Audrey's mouth? Was my mind playing tricks on me?

"Hey, what's wrong? Are you dizzy? You want some water?" Audrey lent me a hand.

"I'm just confused," I replied. "Cause the last time we had a conversation about men, you never talked about Eric. You were all for Nathan."

"Nathan? Who's Nathan?"

Again with the playing dumb tactics. She probably thought I would be gullible all my life. "You had too much booze. Got it."

"No, seriously. I have no clue who you're talking about. Who is this Nathan guy? Is he one of your exes?" Audrey gasped dramatically. "Is he hot?"

At this point, I had no idea whether Audrey was messing with me. Her reaction came off very real, I was convinced myself. What was going on here? Telling myself it was the alcohol talking on her behalf cooled me down. But it wasn't enough.

How could she not know who Nathan was?

"Forget it. I'll tell you all about it in the morning," I said. Suspicions still lingered in mind. 

"But Avery —"

An angry whoosh caused the door to open wide. At first, I thought it was only the wind, explaining the bone-chilling breeze that whistled through my skin.

Eric. He went inside at rapid speed, looking tensed and frantic as he closed the door. His cheeks were burning, though I didn't exactly know what made them so red. Another reason I found it impossible to talk to him. The first one was — I was afraid to own up to my mistake, mainly because I didn't mean to do it in the first place.

I glanced hesitantly at Eric like a dog who broke the family vase. That taunting feeling in my heart was still there; it was too heavy — and it wasn't planning on leaving. I wondered if the very red cheeks were because of my own doing too. Deep inside I wished it was someone else's.

"Eric?" He didn't gaze at me, but I could tell he was listening. "Please let me talk to you."

Slowly, I stood up and walked closer to him. Touching his shoulder, I added, "Please."

"Are you sure it's me you wanna talk to?" He asked. In his defense, he wouldn't want to feel the embarrassment again. Reaffirming would be the wisest thing to do.

I nodded. "Nobody else."

"I was so stupid." He touched the temple of his heads with one hand and the other placed comfortably on his waist. "You made me feel stupid."

Hearing those words, I didn't want to speak anymore. If the roles were reversed, that was how I'd say it to his face too. I was in no place to argue but to only agree. "Yes, I admit that, but you should know that —"

"I don't want to be here anymore."

"What? We're going home already?" Audrey joined. But neither of us talked to her.

"Alright." I turned away towards the door, my head never held high. "I'll see if I could talk to the captain."

As I opened the door, Eric uttered something that made me want to never open it forever. I had a feeling whatever he would tell me would not be any good.

"Even in death, he's all your heart beats for," he muttered lowly.

I knew it. He thought I missed it, but I didn't. I heard every word. Loud and clear. Millions of knives flying fast towards my heart. Lights magnifying and spiraling into circular-shaped little images in the corners of my eyes.

"Death? Whose death?" My breath was cold as ice.

"Don't listen to him, Avery. He doesn't know what he's saying. Clearly, he's drunk," Audrey interrupted with a worrisome tone.

No. I wasn't buying any of that anymore.

"No," I said firmly. "No more bullshit. Whose death?" I looked at Eric's eyes.

"Nathan's dead. He has been dead for more than two years already."

Standing there by the door, pale-faced and still drunk, I slowly closed the door. I didn't say anything. But even if my tongue forced me to, I couldn't.

My focus was diverted to nothing more than the feeble sound of ticking from my chest. Like a lizard's minuscule movements, it was all I heard and felt.

Then my upper lip was first to taste saltwater.