She believes she is royally fucked now.

Winnie spends most of the night staring up at her bedpost, head pillowed by the maroon pillow case as her small pygmy puff, Toto, sleeps in a little fluffy ball beside her hair that makes a halo against her pillow. Her fingers tap in a constant rhythm against the quilted blankets, and while she knows she will pay for her lack of sleep in the morning, she can't seem to bring herself to silence her mind long enough to actually sleep.

It's Cordelia who takes up most of her time and space tonight.

She thinks of Harry, Harry telling her with his little hiccups about how her cousin kissed Blaise Zabini. While Winnie would be a blind idiot if she didn't say the male wasn't fit, she couldn't see why Cordelia was into him.

Perhaps she wasn't at all, perhaps they were using each other and she just kissed him to hurt Harry.

But instead of feeling pity, she feels the reigns of guilt pull on her stomach. It tugs and creates little balls of despair in the bits of her stomach as she lays in the darkness.

Winnie doesn't understand how it happened, ever since the start of their friendship, Harry has always been someone she has been close to. If she were to be honest, he was probably her first real friend. He knew about her nightmares and instead of trying to eclipse them, he held her hand in the dark until she could see the light again.

Winnie Buldstrode could say that she thought of Harry Potter as her best friend, but you don't kiss your best friend. And she certainly doesn't wish to do it again, she could say that perhaps in another life that she would have felt that way for him.

But there was Theo and Cordelia. Theo with his cheeky smile and sweet whispered words. Theo who she spent so long hating, only to realise that he may just be the cure she needs to heal her wounds. Theo who could never be hers because he belongs to someone else.

But it's Cordelia she feels the most guilty for. Winnie isn't blind to the way Cordelia looks at Harry, like he's everything good in the world full of terror and death. Harry is probably the first good thing in Cordelia's life since the death of her brother Max and Winnie doesn't know how to sit and tell her that they kissed without feeling like the world was pushing down upon her.

She knows she has to tell her, she had come to the decision around the time she had found herself walking tirelessly in the dungeons where her Wolfsbane potion was brewing that next morning. The steam cools down to a gentle shimmer as she sits with her hair pulled back by silver pins, a clear bottle sat unclipped beside her, fingers slightly running along the smooth curve as she awaits for the cauldron to come to a halt. Slughorn had been checking on it when she first entered, causing her to come to a sudden stop and freeze momentarily. She believed he had been tampering with it at first, but then she kicked herself mentally in the brain for thinking so. Slughorn seemed harmless besides for his thirst for the talented and popular, other than that, she didn't believe he could hurt a fly.

Winnie almost thought about skipping breakfast altogether and instead headed to Defence right away, only she couldn't. With the upcoming full moon, her energy was depleting faster, meaning if she missed out on any meals, there was a high chance she would faint by the end of the day. So Winnie would face Harry and try to act like everything was normal, except, everything was falling apart at the seams and she wasn't even sure how to look at Harry without flushing or feeling the awful bite of guilt eat away at her.

It was Cordelia, however, she was most nervous to see. They didn't share a class together until the end of the day, double hours of Potions where she would sit at the same table and wonder if now was the right time to tell her or not. ( She doesn't think telling Cordelia that she kissed the guy she loves is the right move in front of boiling water. )

Winnie bottles the steaming liquid into the clear bottle, turning the clear air a deep ebony charred tint as it swirls inside. The bottle heats up around her fingers and palms as she corks it shut, slipping the tiny bottle into a pocket of her school robes, she grabs the cauldron and rinses it in the back of the tiny metal sink. Water sloshing and twisting into tiny lemon scented bottles as she washes the items she's used, before laying it to dry on a tiny dish towel beside the sink. Wiping her hand, she secures the strap of her leather bag over her shoulder before she pushes open the door to leave the potions lab, only to fall short at the sound of voices twisting in through the empty potions tables and through the thick door to the classroom.

This is one of the perks of becoming a werewolf, whereas before she wouldn't be able to hear conversations from this far of a distance, now it comes to her ears as clear as if she was standing right beside them.

"We aren't doing enough, and with father gone, I have to show a good face, and that falls onto us," her sister's voice floats into her ears as Winnie stands, one hand on the rough edges of the wall and her other pressed against the smooth leather of her bag. Her eyebrows crease against her forehead at the mention of her father being gone. Gone. He couldn't possibly be gone, what does that even mean? She had whispers over the summer of Elijah Buldtrsode, the recently discovered Death Eater disappearing from Azkaban, but gone? Gone seemed to be the lighter, easier word in place of death, and Winnies stomach dropped to the touch if her heels at the thought.

"I'm doing everything I can, I won't be your doll-" Winnies heart does a tiny double take at the sound of Theo's voice, sounding harsh and strained, she can conjure up an image of him running his hands furiously through his hair at the sound of his voice.

"We made a deal! You can't back out of it now, I need you and you need me," Millie cut him off, her voice coming off thinly and shrill as if she was nearly close to tears.

"I never said I was backing out, I just-" Theo never gets to finish what he says, for she can hear a clicking of heels, then the familiar high pitch voice of Pansy Parkinson. Her sister sniffles, sounding lower to Winnies ears as she greets the short haired brunette. Winnie listens, feet unmoving as the three Slytherins greet each other warmly, as if her sister and Theo weren't just silently fighting moments before. A tiny breath leaves her lips as the sounds of their footsteps retreat away from the door, leaving Winnie alone with the silence and their words piercing her brain. She was positive that the whispers of their deal had to do with their bethrotalment, Winnie felt a fleeting of two emotions as she rested her back against the cool stone.

One, she can't help but feel a sense of pride for him. For honouring their soon to be marriage. It was the pureblood part of her system that believed in that, many years raised believing that the ways written in thinning, yellow pages was the correct way to do things. Two, her heart shattered just ever so slightly at the idea of Theo marrying her sister. She wasn't a fool, she knew that it had to be that way, it still didn't change the fact that everytime she was reminded it stung just a little more each time.

And then her father, her stubborn, murderous father who terrorized her all of her life over small things such as cookies or broken plates. She hated him for everything he stood for, even when he showed that he could at least be normal at times when she was younger. There was no love lost between them, she didn't believe that he was truly her father, despite the same blood that flowed between them in their veins. Yet, there was a sudden wash of concern for her sister's words, gone. He couldn't really be gone, could he? After years of trying to get rid of him with no prevail, it felt a little strange now believing that he could just disappear like scattered remains in the wind.

The question is, if Elijah Buldstrode is truly gone, what happened to him?

༺♥༻

Avoiding Cordelia Flint is easier said than done, Winnie is left wondering how she managed to do so back when they were fighting last year. Now, her redheaded cousin shows up around every corner she strolls into, as if the brunette has a magnet in her body that just drags her cousin towards her. They had spent a full two hours trying to brew a potion together, because apparently Slughorn seems to be even worse than Snape for drawing up drama. While he paired her together with Cordelia, he paired Theo and Draco together.

Which ended up with Malfoy faking falling ill and being excused only ten minutes into the class, promienting Theo to join her and Cordelia's group, which is something Winnie is quite sure he didn't mind at all.

The trio spent two hours bumping into each other and Winnies faced a constant ray of translucent anytime Cordelia asked her about the party and where she disappeared so suddenly. Hiding the truth from Cordelia was something she used to be able to do, but when it comes to strictly harming Cordelia, it threatens to jump off her tongue every second. When the bell rang above them, Winnie was quick to breathe a sigh of relief and snap up her belongings, deciding she needed to get as far away from Cordelia as she could before she ended up shouting that she kissed Harry flipping Potter in her face.

Only Cordelia seemed to be in the mood to talk today.

"Hey! Wait, what's wrong?" Cordelia questions as she grasps Winnies left wrist, stopping her from walking further down the hallway as students filter in from out of the classroom around them, throwing the glares for stopping right in front of the door."You've been acting strange all class."

"Nothings wrong, just tired. You know, with the," she pauses, waving her hands as she grimaces. It wasn't exactly a lie, she was exhausted, with the moon approaching and her missing breakfast that morning due to Theo and Millie, she felt like she was running through water. Bones sagged down by exhaustion, and her heart working overtime to beat the need to sleep. Cordelia makes an O shape with her lips, glancing around at people as they pass, though no one seems to be paying them much attention anymore.

"You never answered my question, where did you go after the party?" And now Winnie realises she has to tell her, she can't keep any drop of guilt in her anymore, and maybe Cordelia won't be too mad. Maybe the redhead will understand that it meant nothing to her, because it didn't, and it never will.

"Look, Cordelia, I-" Her eyes catch onto the sight of ebony hair, spotting Harry standing a mere five feet away from them. Ron was talking to him quietly, while Harry nodded his head, pretending that he was listening when really, his green eyes were staring over at them. Winnies lips pull downwards, eyes floating from Harry to Cordelia as she realises she needs to speak to Harry about what happened first. For him to get the chance to know that Cordelia will find out, to prepare for the possible blowout it may have. So Winnie places a smile on her face, trying her best to make it believable, even as Cordelia glances over at Harry. "I was just tired, the music was giving me a real headache. I should've come over to say goodbye, I'm sorry." I'm sorry for kissing the boy you love, I'm sorry for lying to your face now, I'm sorry for how you'll feel once you find out.

"Oh okay, well that's alright. Do you want to go-"

"I think I'm actually going to take a nap," Winnie cuts her off, watching as Cordelia blinks, her fingers dropping from Winnies wrist and leaving a cool air drift on the spots where her fingers once laid. Winnie shifts on her feet, drawing the sleeves down further against her fingertips as Cordelia nods, the whisks of her red hair rubbing against her chin.

"That's okay, we can see each other later. Sleep well, if you need anything come find me," she smiles, though it doesn't quite reach the bright gleam of her eyes, Winnies stomach digs deeper, the guilt now creating a lump that scratches against her throat as she swallows.

"Y-yeah," she pauses, cleaning her throat as she nods her head. "Yeah, of course I will," Cordelia nods, before stepping around her and leaving to walk down the hall. Winnie turns, watching her go before she leans her back against the cool stone, head knocking against the rock while her eyes squeeze shut. She reaches up, pinching the bridge of her nose, just as footsteps draw closer to her. "Harry I need a minute before you-"

"Sorry to disappoint, but not Harry," Theo's voice filters in her ears as she glances up at him, the toe of his shoe kicking against hers as he nudges her foot. "What's wrong?" She laughs bitterly at the question, and finds her eyes starting to water at the sincerity in his voice. She swallows, wiping at her face and trying to muster the will to not cry, but he reaches forward, drawing her in against his chest. Theo's arms wrap around the middle of her back, holding her tightly as her cheek presses against his shoulder, fingers squeezing onto the fabric of his robes.

"I'm such a mess," Winnie snorts, her cheek still pressed into the clothes against his shoulder, breathing in his scent of cinnamon and the small hint of his laundry detergent. His arms squeeze her tighter, feeling his cheek resting against the top of her head, them both standing outside the potions lab. Winnie was momentarily grateful for the fact that all classes were over for the day; she wouldn't know what to do if students or wandering ears surprised them.

"I'm the mess love," Theo chuckles and she snorts and pushes herself away from him, her arms falling down from around his back. Perhaps she would believe him if her life wasn't as disastrous as it was, but even then, even if she had the easiest life in the entire world, she wouldn't think he was a mess.

"Oh Theo," her head fell upwards, staring up at the crack in the ceiling above them. "You aren't the mess, I am, I'm the disaster. In fact, if I were you, I would run. I did something ... something terrible." She realises she has said it then, before she could have dismissed it all with being simply tired, she let the cat out of the bag. Her mouth falling into a thin line, as her eyes widened every so slightly.. Snapping her head over to look towards him as he creases his eyebrows. His beautiful emerald eyes watching her with the image of a flickering concern and confusion mirroring them. It was intoxicating, and not in the way that she would have imagined if she had a firewhiskey in her system. Instead, it was an intoxicating way that made her throat clog and her eyes sting pitifully.

She sinks to the ground, drawing her knees up closely to her chest as she begins tracing the scarred tissue against her ankle. It was an unfortunate place, now that she thought about it, she couldn't go to the beach, couldn't wear a bikini. She supposed she could in a way, but applying bandages or spells to disguise it was a question in itself. Especially the ones lacing against her abdomen and upper thigh. Her lip quivered slightly at the thought, her head falling to the side to rest against his shoulder. She doesn't remember when he had walked over and sat beside her, but he's here now, his warmth piercing into her colder body.

It was all a little too much for her, she would think later. When she was alone, her eyes watching the growing moon and thoughts of a foolish, drunken kiss of a ebony haired gryffindor far from her mind. When the only thing she would really think about is Theodore Nott.

"I'm sorry," she spoke suddenly, the words barely a whisper. Her head pulled itself up off his shoulder, eyes locking with his as he titled his head down to look at her. "I know you think ... you think I'm yours—"

"I don't think you're mine, no.. I know that I'm not," he spoke firmly, reaching up and tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear, his thumb lightly tracing her cheek. And Winnie Buldstrode wished she was brave enough to be his. "But no matter what you do, or where you go, I will always be yours." His words sting a little more than they should, because she knows it can't possibly be true. The memory of his conversation with her sister that morning comes back into her mind, and as the pads of his fingers trace over her scarred face she feels her eyes water once again. A tear drips from her eyes, landing on his fingers like fallen leaves that he collects to remember everything by. "Are you gonna tell me what's wrong, little heathen?" She laughs softly despite herself, causing a small smile to filter across his olive skin toned face, the feeling of his fingers across her face and cheeks eases her body slightly, causing her to rest her head against the back of the wall.

"Harry kissed me, or I kissed Harry," she pauses, chewing on her bottom lip as the words leave her lips. She feels his body freeze next to her, the fingers against her skin dropping away slowly, leaving behind a burning bitter chill in its place. Winnie glances up, looking at him as he presses his lips into a line, deep green eyes deepening a darker colour. "It doesn't mean anything, he was upset and I guess... I don't know." She breathes, staring over at him as he finally looks her in the eye, strands of his hair falling in front of his eyes and face, causing her to reach up and push them away from his eyes softly.

"Have you told Cordelia?" Her fingers fall from his hair, laying in her lap as she fiddles with them softly. Twisting the silver ring against her finger, "Im guessing thats a no," he adds in after a minute, as she lets out a shaky sigh.

"I'm going to tell her, I was going to do then, but it just didn't feel like the right time," she admitted quietly, drawing her knees back up to her chest as she hugs her knees close to her.

"There will never be a right time," Theo nudges her shoulder as she looks over at him, watching him gaze down at his lap. She glances down, seeing him trace the smooth silver of the bracelet she gifted him last night. The half moon caught the light from the lanterns above them as it glistened little tinn rays.

"You're wearing it," she whispers softly, smiling ever so slightly as she reaches over and takes his wrist in her hands. Tracing the smooth, indent of the moon before pulling down her sleeve slightly. With his wrist still wrapped in her hand, she jiggles her wrist until the bracelet faces the correct way. Small charms of stars rest against her fair skin as she puts her wrist against his, matching them up together. Winnie smiles, glancing up at him to see him already watching her, causing her breath to hitch in her throat.

And in that moment, she realises that she is already his, and she wishes quietly that he knew this. That they could truly be each other's without anyone standing in the way.