Winnie sees herself drowning, drowning away to nothing as days blur.

A sickening feeling of betrayal follows her footsteps and builds a home in her chest. She can not help but feel blind to everything, to every twitch Cordelia made with her arm, to every disappearance she had performed out of the blue.

Blind, blind, blind.

No, not blind. Robbed. Winnie was robbed of her mind, a mind that isn't even fully hers anymore, a mind so important and fragile to her that was robbed away like nothing, and Cordelia knew.

She knew and said nothing, let her exist in a world where she imagined Cordelia was always on her side. Winnie supposes that the worse part of it wasn't the fact that Cordelia took the mark, ( even though that tore a piece of her that she didn't even realize could be burned anymore ) it was the very fact that Cordelia Flint didn't tell her. Even when she begged for her to be honest, when Winnie revealed the most sacred part of her that was now a monster.

Cordelia did not tell her the truth, instead she let her mind be erased without her knowing and let her exist in a day dream that was short lived. Winnie finds herself sitting in place constantly these days, reliving past events that could've opened the seal for her cousin to tell her the truth.

Was it her? Was she too judgmental? Was she too harsh?

March rolled in with a blur, it was hard to pinpoint the exact time in place that Winnie seemed to let her life be taken over by her time in the loo with Draco. Her entire mind these days had been distracted by his words, she had even found herself staring across the Great Hall at him. She doubted he even realized how drastic an effect  his confession would have on her, and yet, maybe he did.

On the first day of March, Winnie sat flicking her spoon around her bowl of porridge. She chew a blueberry silently as she stared at the mushy beige food, completely unaware of everything until the very moment Harry Potter plopped down next to her, shoulders brushing as the blonde glanced up at him. As of late Harry spent more and more time with Hermione and Ron, their heads bent together as they whispered words she was not privy to understanding or knowing.

His distance from her didn't bother her, not truly. For he always found a way to show he was there. Squeezing her hand as they walked along the halls, kissing her forehead goodnight when they go bed in separate rooms, or ( her favourite ), he always had a hot chocolate poured for her if he was at breakfast first. All of this only made her stomach twist painfully with the knowledge that she was hiding things from him, though she supposed he was as well.

Maybe it's better if they don't know everything about each other.

"Ready?" Harry questioned, stealing a blueberry from her bowl as she slapped his hand away, wrinkling her nose while she pushed the contents of her breakfast away from her.

"Ready for what?" She questioned idly, picking up her hot chocolate, the smooth chocolate liquid dripping down her throat as Harry blinked at her. Green eyes glancing around them before he leaned in closer, their foreheads brushing as she narrowed her eyebrows.

"Remember? March the first...erm...  the letter," Harry whispered quietly, leaning back with a frown as Winnie raised an eyebrow. Her mind racing with a clouded haze, before the very memory of her mothers letter appeared in her mind. Eyes widening as an 'o' shaped swirled around her lips. "There she is! She now remembers the most exciting thing we're doing today." Winnie scowled as Harry's grin licked his face, bumping her shoulder against his before she swung her leg over the bench.

"Alright, let's get this over with," she frowned, tucking her hair behind her ears as she stood. She smoothed out the sleeves of her white blouse, unbuttoned near the top of her chest, exposing the silver pendent that had a partner resting against Harry's chest. The raven haired male followed suit, falling into step with her. Some deep unconscious part of her brain must have remembered her plans that day, for she had acquired an deep navy fur jacket before leaving the common room earlier that morning. She shrugged it on now, head tilting as she tore her hair from underneath the jacket, letting it spiral out against her back in waves.

The duo slipped between the Great Hall doors, only for Winnie's body to come a stumbled halt. Her body recoiled backwards into Harry's as she felt his hand come up to squeeze her shoulder. Standing closely behind her as the pair blinked at the trio who Winnie rather rudely slammed into.

Winnie felt nothing, not even a slimmer of surprise come from their brains. Hazel eyes raked over Draco Malfoy, he stood with a sneer traced upon his features, but Winnie did not miss the way he tucked his arm behind his back. The very arm she had helped heal and bandaged, her eyes flickered to the movement, causing his lips to twist into a deeper scowl. Narrowing her eyes she moved to the pair she had once felt close to.

Now Winnie finds herself taking a wider step back, locking her fingers with Harry's. Winnie watched as Cordelia's eyes zeroed in their hands, brown eyebrows pitching downwards in confusion as Winnie stiffened. The action was completely harmless between a pair of best friends who often share a bed, but to others, who may have very little knowledge of their loyalty and relationship will see the string of their hands and believe something is there when it doesn't remotely exist.

For a split second, Winnie debates tearing her hand away from Harry's. Winnie may be furious at her cousin, but she wouldn't stoop so low to be so cruel enough to break her heart by assumptions.

But Cordelia also lied, she let her brain be manipulated and said nothing about it. So Winnie held Harry's hand tighter, glancing away from her cousin and towards Theo. Her heart ached when her eyes landed on him, she has not seen him much as of late, he couldn't even be spotted around her sister who was everywhere these days, fussing over the end of year exams.

It pained her to admit that he still looked as breathtakingly beautiful as he always did. Green eyes flickered into her own, his hand clenched around the strap of his bag, Slytherin robes tousled. His tie was loosened, exposing the sliver of tanned skin against his chest, curly chestnut hair still kissed his forehead. Giving him an appearance of boyish charm that collided with the angular of his jaw.

Winnie desired to see his dimples, the way he would smile only for her.

"Er... sorry," Harry muttered bitterly, squeezing Winnie's hand, for her own lips could not form words. Heart aching as she forced her gaze away from the three Slytherins. Winnie was angry, yes, and if this was merely a year ago perhaps she would've been throwing hexes around by now.

But she found comfort in silence that never existed before, she found comfort in not fighting something that was clearly useless. So when Harry tugged her away, she went, not saving them another glance as the pair of Gryffindor's disappeared down the hall. Twisting their way down staircases until they reached the chill air of March. Rain greeted them as they stepped outside, creating swirls of mushy brown in the melting snow, grey, fluffy clouds slowly moved over head.

"Are you," Harry paused, his voice quiet as Winnie glanced over at him. The hood of his black sweater was pulled up around his hair, hiding his face from vision though she felt the tremor of his emotions trickle into her magic core as he breathed. "Are you okay?" She opened her mouth to express that she was actually really fucking okay when he cut her off, almost anticipating her words. "Remember, we don't lie to each other." He scooped up her pinky finger with his own, showing their intertwined pinkies to her face as she scuffed.

"You make one silly pinky promise and suddenly it defines your life," she grumbled, tearing her finger away from his before shoving her hands in her pockets. She kicked scuffs of snow with her shoe as they walked, creating tiny piles with her feet.

"Winnie," Harry drawled out her name, his eyes staring at her from the side of her head as she frowned, glancing over at him.

She hated this. This was by far the worse part, not being able to tell Harry. He already had so much on his shoulders, she saw the way his shoulders sagged with each meeting with Dumbledore. Whatever Dumbledore was showing or telling Harry was taking a toll on him, not to mention the more deaths of Muggle families twisting in the air.

The war was coming quicker than either could grasp, she would handle this, she could protect him from this.

"It's just Theo," she whispered quietly, and while it wasn't technically a lie, she supposed it would be enough to get him off her back.

"He's a wanker," Harry sighed, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. Winnie snorted, she couldn't argue with that. Theo Nott will always be a wanker in her brain, an annoying, unfortunately handsome wanker that she couldn't help but miss everyday.

She found it got easier, the more her brain was occupied with the very fact her cousin has taken the dark mark. It's easier to pretend Theo never existed then, that she never felt his hands on her skin or felt how feather soft his lips were against his. It's easier to pretend she never spent most of her life screaming at him in some way or another, it's easier to pretend she never even cared at all.

The pair stumbled upon Hogs Head quicker than they thought they would. Winnie's feet coming to a halt as she stared at the worn down blue sign, through the dusted windows she could see heads of strangers chatting or drinking their sorrows away. Snow piled up against the wooden building, footsteps imprinted into the walkway by people coming and leaving freely.

She could turn away now. Winnie could admit she already has far too much on her shoulders to endure another stack of problems, she could turn away now and her mother would never know she was there in the first place.

Harry's hand crinkled into her own, tearing her eyes away from the building as she flickered her gaze over towards him. The surface of his hood was damp from the rain, making splotches of the fabric appear darker in the low light of the day, the pendant that mirrored her own was glistening in the light. He seemed paler as of late, his skin still glowing a sunkissed brown, but his eyes were dull, exhausted from hours on end of being forced to grow up past his age. Harry's eyes were always the most dazzling part of him, they convey so much emotion that it made his entire body glimmer and express exactly what his eyes shown.

He seemed drained today, she knew he nothing to do today, no Dumbledore meetings, no Quiditich, no homework he had to complete, absolutely nothing, and yet, he was here with her.

The thought made her throat choke with a lump as she turned her eyes back towards Hogs Head. She could do this, if not for herself, then for Harry, who had never once failed her.

"Okay, let's do this," she sighed, heaving a heavy breath as she flet his hand fall from her own. She would be the one to walk in first as planned, he would follow suit with his cloak draped over his body, hiding him from sight. The air was thick with smoke, clogging her throat further as she stifled a cough. Her nose wrinkled from the fumes, ignoring the hungry gazes of elderly wizards who watched her like a hawk. Out of habit, her fingers reached for her wand that was strapped to her upper thigh, she slipped the wood between her fingers, feeling a sense of relief as the magic hummed through her body.

You are foolish, girl.

Winnie had to withhold the urge to jump as her wolf's creaking voice flickered in her head. It had been some time since she heard the voice, her wolf seemed to only greet her in growls or whines most days. Those were easier to ignore then the scratching voice that made her feel like her eardrumbs would burst any second. Winnie gritted her teeth as she moved to the back of the corner, hairs on her neck prickling as she satd own facing the door. Body slipping into a booth, saving enough room for Harry to slip in beside her.

We will die here.

Winnie's hand tightened around her wand as she flickered her gaze around the bar, narrowing as she spotted men still gazing upon her like she was fresh meat. The rigid nature of her body only softened when she felt the slight breeze of air stir the blonde strands of her hair. Though a vast emptiness appeared beside her, she felt Harry's shoulder brush against her own. She leaned back against the wood behind her then, feeling safer with another set of eyes beside her. Winnie had only ever entered Hogs Head once last year, when they were introducing the idea of Dumbledore's Army, The bar was void then, besides for an old man in the corner hidden behind a hood, it seemed they would not get so lucky this time.

Winnie inclined her head sideways, pretending to flick a piece of dust from her shoulder, she opened her mouth to speak the boy beside her when she felt Harry's hand squeeze her wirst that was against her lap. Pausing, she flickered her gaze to the door, spotting a women step inside, her hood above her head, hiding her features. Winnie stiffened once more, eyes widening as she found herself straightening in her seat, watching the women move towards them in elgenant steps. If she noticed the watchful eyes of the men around them, the women paid them no attention.

Harry's ankle pressed itself against Winnie's from beneath the table, her herat hammering as she pressed hers back against his. She could do this.

You can't.

Winnie gritted her teeth together, ignoring the voice that penetrated her skull as she eyed the women carefully. Years of taking classes as a young child before her Hogwarts days made her become accustomed to the way Purebloods walk. Pureblood ladies to be exact, there is a flourish in their step. Every click of their heel is meant to expose a certain kind of power, a power that becomes a force when meant with the hardened gaze of their eyes. Pureblood ladies are meant to be posh, elegant even in the most disastrous situations. Their eyes are supposed to show little emotions at all times, Winnie was never good at mastering that. She could do the walk, she could walk like she was floating on a cloud, she could write so delicately in cursive that it could be framed, she knew how to eat and how to wipe her mouth in a gentle manner. She knew the right words to say and how to say them, but she could never hide her emotions.

Perhaps that was the first clue that she was not meant to fit in, but her father hated her for it all the same.

The women untucked her hair from her hood, exposing a vibrant raven head of hair, a pair of green eyes that mirrored so closely to the boy beside her. Winnie blinked, her shoulders tightened as her fingers wrapped around her wand. The women that slide into the chair across from her appeared nothing like Imogen Bulstrode. Her body was curvier, unlike teh straightness her mother possessed, her hair was a bundle of dark waves, missing the honey blonde straight hair. Her eyes, that were once an almost silver blue, were green like fresh spring leaves. Freckles darted across her pale skin, and for a moment, Winnie had believed she was tricked, until she opened her mouth to speak.

"Daughter, how tiresome you look," no amount of disguise could hide the click of her mothers voice. Winnie had fallen asleep to that voice for years, she had sought out that voice when nightmares plagaued her mind. She yearned for approvable from that voice for the majority of her children, she held on to every syllable and tone of her mothers voice. Despite all that have befallen between the two, Winnie's heart clenched tightly as she twisted her mouth into a line. No emotion was flickering in between Imogen's eyes, and Winnie couldn't even tap into her emotions. Perhaps a wise choice, Imogen had locked her out.

"Imogen," she greeted, clicking the roof of her mouth with a tongue. If her mother was displeased with the use of her daughter using her real name, she showed no sign of it. "You look different." Harry's ankle brushed against Winnie's once more, Winnie tried her best to not intentionally lean towards him, instead she rested her back against the wood behind her. Her hand still tight around her wand as she crossed her arms. Her mother's eyes flickered towards the wand in her clutch.

"That's new," her mother exclaimed, nodding her head towards the wand. Winnie glanced down at the chestnut wood, biting the inside of her cheek as she rested her hands against her lap once more.

"Yes well, when I almost died I left with that beast Father sent after me I left it," she spoke dryly, narrowing her eyes as Imogen stared blankly at her. "'Perhaps if you go behind the Manor you will find it." Winnie snapped, turning her head away as she twisted her finger around the silver ring on her finger, eyes drifting towards where Harry sat unknowingly to her mother. She felt his shoulder brush against hers again, quiet, unseen, but there all the same.

"I am sorry for what fell upon you, you are only a child. It was wrong of Elijah to go to such drastic measures," her mother's voice was quiet, a controlled tone as Winnie glanced over at her. Her mother was still sitting with her back straight, but there was a sincerity to her words that made Winnie feel like she may cry. Deep down she knew she still loved her mother, how could she not? This was the women that birthered her, that held her when the outside world became too fearful. She was the women who made her feel better about her once oddly shaped teeth, the women who kissed her cheeks and braided her hair.

Once, back when things were peaceful and less complicated, her mother had joined Winnie and Millie outside. The trio were all pair foot, running around in the mud as rain poured down upon them. Winnie had laughed so hard that day that her stomach had pained for hours afterwards, she had never seen her mother so carefree until that moment. Imogen had wrapped her bony arms around her daughters, holding them close to her chest. Mud was splattered all over their dresses, their feet a deep brown and cheeks stinging from smiles. The rain was bitter cold, but their hearts were warm with love and happiness for each other.

It was a painful memory, one that burned through her skull now as she glanced away. Winnie loved her mother dearly, but she could not pretend that her mother was not cruel, years had made them distant.

'What did you want?" Winnie questioned, snifflng as she stared at a crack in their table. Deep and wide as if people had taken turns scratching into the wood over the years. The blonde blinked, trying to shield her emotions just as her mothers hand shot out to touch the curve of her wrist. Before Winnie could even shake her hand off, she was suddenly pulled.

Her body felt like it was swirling through space and time, a panic building in her chest just as her feet came to a stop. Winnie's eyes were wide, her hand raising with her wand as she took in her new surroundings.

A layer of dust touched everything in sight, making her senses become blocked with irritation. There was a door across from her, though she noticed from where she stood that boards covered every opened window and every exit. Nails rusted with time and neglect, an burnt orange as she flickered her gaze away. Heartbeat banging in her chest, deafening her ears as she held her wand tighter in her hand. Rows on rows of yellowed books greeted her vision, appearing like a library. Though a desh of sorts sat near the front, objects that she could not identity were grey and filled with dust ontop of the wooden desk. She spotted broken glass on the floor, shards filled with a fine layer of dust as well.

Wherever she was, nobody had entered in a long while.

Harry!

Her eyes widened as she touched the pendent to her chest. Harry was not with her anymore, that much she was sure of, but she could go to him. Her fingers twisted the pendant upwards, placing the cool stone on the tip of her tongue, expecting to drfft awya through time again. Only now she stood in place, the pendant resting on her tongue, tasting metallic.

"That will not work here," Imogen's oice reached her ears from behind, causing Winnie to jump. Her body twirling around as the necklace dropped from her mouth, touching her skin in a slightly wet mess as she spotted her mother, still disguised with raven hair and green eyes. Imogen stood next to a row of books, her fingers touching the brim of abandoned books. Winnie swallowed thickly as a wash of melancholy trickled over her shoulders. It was brief, tasting like strawberries and salt in her mouth before it disappearedc again.

"What did you do?" Winnie snapped, standing straight as she kept her wand trained on her mother. Imogen flickered her gaze towards her for a brief moment, seemingly unfazed by the wand in her direction as she went back to expecting the books.

"You don't think I didn't know about Harry Potter sitting next to you, did you?" Imogen drawled, causing Winnie's breath to quicken, her shoulders tensing. It was a stupid idea to bring him, she should have argued further, but there was no logical reason why her mother should know he was there.

Unless...

"You were spying on us," Winnie accused, watching as Imogen snorted slightly. An action so unlike her mother that it made Winnie take a step back. Imogen placed a book she was looking at abc on the shelf, rolling her shoulders as her body morphed. She became taller, skinner, her appearance lighter as she lost the darkness of her hair. The mother Winnie had known for years appeared in front of her, disgusing down but her appearance gave Winnie little relief.

"Of course I was," Imogen spoke matter of factly twisting through bookshelves, causing Winnie to hurriedly follow after her. "That boy, you love him." Winnie halted at her words, a bitter twisting in her stomach. There was an accusation behind her mothers words, and as Imogen sat upon a dusted old love seat, she saw the way her mother inlicned her head. "Not like that daughter, I mean you admire him, you trust him, you see him as a friend. Is that not a form of love?"

Winnie stood, fingers still clenched around her wand as she watched her mother fold her hands in her lap, legs crossed at the knee. Imogen was a perfect picture example of formal, eyes void of emotion, pink lips left in a line, awaiting her daughters answer. Though Winnie felt nothing but anger in her body, she did not agree to this. She agreed to talking in Hogs Head, not in some abandoned book filled building.

"What do you know about love?" Winnie spoke snarkily, her teeth biting her tongue as she stared daggers at her mother.

"You think me cruel, which is fair I suppose," Imogen sighed, waving a hand towards the seat across from her. "Sit, you will not be harmed, and neither will Potter. You'll be returned soon enough." Winnie eyed the green lofa seat, the fabric covered in a layer of dust, an indent in the cushion from people presumably sitting in it years before. She made no movement to sit, however, standing her ground. "You're stubborn, really, this would go smoother if you'd just cooperate."

Winnie stiffened at her words, eyeing her again with a galre. "I was cooperating at Hogs Head, like you said." She snapped, watching as Imogen puckered her lips, eyes narrowing for a split moment.

"Yes where countless old hags of men were watching you like they could stick their claws into you, no, that would not do. Now sit," Imogen commanded, pointing a finger towards the seat. Huffing, Winnie breathed heavily through her nostrils before she stomped around the sofa. Being more dramatic than necessarily purely just to piss her mother off as she sat down.

The two sat in silence, Winnie's leg tapping in place as she twisted the ring on her finger. Eyes stayed glued onto her mother as Imogen sat still, watching her all the same. It was as if he was waiting for Winnie to break the silence, and it pained Winnie to know that she would. She could never sit in silence long enough, could never let things be.

"Why doesn't my necklace work?" Winnie questioned finally, voice tight. Winnie never bothered asking how her mother even knew about them, there were a thousand things her mother always knew about that Winnie never understood.

"This place is protected by old magic," Imogen started to explain, a frown lacing her lips as she glanced around. Winnie's eyebrows furrowed as she looked around the dusty place, finding a place that was such a mess could ever hold old magic. "It is hidden to the muggle world, protected only by live lines that are tied to it. Your silly little magic in your necklace will not work here, Harry can also not find you here."

Winnie swallowed, unable to imagine the type of panic Harry is experiencing right now. Only making her want to leave more. "How do you know about this palce/" Winnie questioned as Imogen eyed her carefully, her head tilting slightly. A habit Winnie had picked up from her.

"Your childhood was cruel, I wished for a better one for you," Imogen starts slowly, reaching across to grasp her daughters hand, only for Winnie to recoil quickly. Her hands pressing against her chest.

"And who is to blame for that?" Winnie snapped bitterly, venom on her lips as she watched her mother flinch. It was not with her whole body, her hurt did not shine like Winnie's. It was in her eyes, the way they blinked twice far too quickly in a row. In the way her fingers twitched, falling helplessly on her lap as she swallowed. "Why am I here?" Winnie spoke more loudly, growing tired and restless of this game. It began to hurt the longer she was here, the longer her mother looked at her without the usual disappointed gaze she would hold.

"I can not tell-"

"Of course not!" Winnie yelled, cutting her off as she stood from her chair, a terrible bitter chuckle leaving her lips as she stared coldy down at her mother. 'You can never tell em anything! Why call me here? Was it to make me feel foolish? To make hurt more? Haven't I done enough? Haven't I hurt enough already?" Winnie cried, feeling her cheeks grow damp as her eyes blurred. Swearing underneath her breath she turned, wiping furiously at her face as she choked back sobs. Her heart ached, she was so tired, so so tired.

Winnie did not know how much more her heart could take.

She felt the coolness of her mothers fingers touch her shoulder, the smell of lavender so strong in her nostrils. It made her eyes water more as her mother forced her to look at her once more, feeling too exhausted to fight, Winnie looked at her willingly. Flinching as her mother dragged her thumb down over her cheek, wiping away salty tears.

"I am sorry for your hurt, if I could take your pain i would," Winnie felt nothing but cruelty in her heart at her mothers words. Even if she could feel the sincerity roll of her mother and into her, it hurt far too much for her to even believe them. "I swear you will understand one day, one day soon. Now is just not the time little bird, I just had to see you. To make sure you were okay." Imogen's lips kissed Winnie's forehead gently, and Winnie felt her shoulders begin to tremble, her hands covering her lips as her eyes squeezed shut.

She loved her mother dearly, but there was so much pain in her chest. There was not enough words in the world that could cure years of loniinless and neglect.

"You can return to him now. I will see you again Little Bird," Imogen's fingers wrapped around the pendent on Winnie's chest. "Remember not everything is black and white." Winnie's world turned sideways once more, her heart breaking further as she landed again. Her knees falling to the earth as snow covered her legs and hands. Rain splattered against her body as she weeped into the ground. Forehead pressed to the ground despite the bitter chill that trickled into her brain.

Winnie was only absently aware of the smell of laundry detergent and spice reaching her nose as arms wrapped around her middle. Her body being pulled to rest against another, kind words whispered into her ear as a body held her so tightly she could break.

Winnie Buldstrode had returned to Harry Potter, but her heart was momentarily lost.

A mothers love was perhaps the strongest love one can endure, but it is also the love that ruin you.

        — when winnie has mommy issues 🤭
        — WE ARE BACK!! only took about two weeks but an update is here 🤞 winnie's mother is such a complex and such an interesting character to write. she is gonna play a big part in book two so be ready for that :) orginally i was gonna have her be basically nothing but then my brain mastered some big idea sooo here we are :)
        — sigh i know no theo ... it is still a theo fanfic and a happy ending JUST BELIEVE IN THE PROCESS!!! ( and dont kill me when act two ends pls, this is me warning you btw )
        — anyway, just a few more chapters left which is very hard to believe and then we move onto book two!! i love you all xo