Remus' POV,

"It's nearly diner," Sirius said as he slid on his leather jacket. "We should start heading down."

It had been two whole days since most students had left Hogwarts for the Christmas break. Sirius and him were the only Griffindors staying for the holidays, unless there was some poor soul locked away in their dorm skipping the awkward meals with professors and the odd Slytherin or Ravenclaw.

Remus enjoyed this alone time he got to spend with Sirius. They spent most of there days curled up in the common room by the fire, Remus reading and Sirius nervously biting his quill while he tried to catch up on his transfiguration homework (which was adorable, mind you). The other day they had gone outside and Remus sat staring in awe at Sirius while he did loops in the air on his broom, rambling about the upcoming quidditch match in a few weeks. In the evenings they'd have dinner alone at their table, snickering to each other about how professor Flitwicks hat was floating above his head from the charm Remus cast.

It was nice. Really nice.

Remus pushed himself up out of the arm chair. "I suppose you're right. Let's get going then."

The two boys made their way out of the common room and down the corridors to the great hall. The silence of the corridors did nothing to ease the awkward silence resting between them. Things weren't normally this awkward but between Remus' revelation that he fancied the other boy and the lack of things that they hadn't discussed yet this week left them drowning in the absence of conversation.

Remus struggled to find something to talk about. It seemed like he'd already told Sirius everything. He desperatley wanted to break the silence engulfing them but he had no idea how. Things always came naturally with Sirius. Was is that he now fully understood that churning feeling in his stomach or why his cheeks always flushed red at Sirius adorable smile that the silence seemed so much worse.

"You good?" Sirius asked, probably questioning his distraught expression.

Remsu panicked. "Do you ever wonder if you like guys?"

He immediately cursed himself for blurting that out. Idiot. Why would he say that! That could possibly be the worse thing he could say right now!

Sirius pulled to a halt beside him, his eyes blowing wind before quickly shifting to scan the crowd, as if scared to meet Remus' gaze. He couldn't blame him. He wouldn't want to look at someone who just said that to him either. Remus yet again cursed himself. Why, Merlin why did he have to ask that?

"I... I don't know." Sirius slowly lifted his gaze to the wall, still avoiding eyecontact with Remus. "Do you?"

Remus' cheeks heated up and he felt the need to duck into the nearest classroom and hide. Merlin, what had he gotten himself into? "Sometimes," he found him self answering. "I like girls, you know, but sometimes I... never mind."

"No no no, go on!" Sirius quickly scrambled to say. Remus galnced at his rather eager gaze. Did he...? No. He couldn't possibly want Remus to say he was bi. That's stupid.

He looked to the side, his blush creeping across his neck and tinting his ears now. "I geuss sometimes... sometimes I like guys."

The doubt crept in again. How did they even get this conversation to him basically coming out as bi? This was the most random thing he could say. What did Sirius even think of any of it? Was he going to be disgusted? Was he going to demand a room change so he wouldn't be in the same dorm as someone like him?

"I didn't know guys could like other guys."

That was not what Remus was expecting Sirius to say. Remus' defensive side, the one that came out as the moon drew closer (the full moon is tomorrow after all), immediately felt the need to growl and claim that of course that kind of stuff happened but then he remembered who raised Sirius. He furrowed his brow before saying, "It's not widely accepted. Only some guys like other guys."

"Oh." That was all Sirius seemed to be able to muster. Remus took a glance at his awkward expression before deciding he should probably change the subject.

His took a sniff at the air, his hypersensitive senses picking up the smell of spaghetti from the great hall down the corridor. He smiled. "Hmmm. Spaghetti, my favorite. Let's go, I'm starving."

Sirius appeared grateful for the change of subject. His face pulled back into his typical smile. Together, the two boys raced down the corridors to see who could get to the great hall. Their laughter echoed throughout the empty castle. Awkward conversation put to the side, the went to dinner full of joy and holiday spirit.

-:-

Sirius' POV,

"Get back here you brat"

The young boy tucked himself further in the cupboard. Panic rose in his chest and he tried to fend off the feeling that the cramped walls were closing in on himself. He tried to convince himslef it was better tucked in here than out there fighting off the witch he called a mother.

Tonight felt worse than usual. It was the first time she'd ever used her wand on him. He hated the magic that seemed to cause him more pain than it should. Magic is bad. Magic hurts, he thought. He didn't like the odd colors that shot from the wooden sticks. Those colors hurt more. He wished it would stop hurting.

"Get out here you little rat or your brother will pay for it!"

Not his brother. They don't get to touch him. He needed to keep him safe. He can't be a coward while his brother gets hurt. He can't.

With much hesitance, hands shaking, he pushed open the door to the cupboard under the sink and crawled out. His lip wobbled as he tried to hold back tears. He could hear her in the other room. Stay quiet. Quiet was good. Quiet hurt less.

"There you are, brat," the woman when he rounded the corner into the living room. Her black-brown eyes burned into him with pure hate and rage. He didn't know what he's dome this time. Maybe he just deserved it for being a screw up. He didn't know why he couldn't just be good like other kids.

He felt pain shoot through his back as the Crutiatus curse launched out of his mothers wand. He crumpled to his ground, his scream barely coming out as squeaks because it hurt so much. He felt the a sharp pain in his leg and heard a snap, a gasp escaping his lips.

Don't cry. Don't cry. It'll be over soon.

It was not over soon. It felt like hours that he lay there on the carpet of his family home, tears flowing down his cheeks. His mother stopped the curse, lowering her wand and walked past him, kicking him with her foot on her way by.

"Pathetic," she spat before leaving him alone on the ground, his sobs racking through his entire body. He lay there for hours more, one though playing through his head. This is the last time. The last time. It won't hurt again.

And for a moment he wished he actually believed those lies.

Sirius bolted upright in his bed, sweat brimming his brow. His hands were shaking as he brought them up to his hair, tugging at his locks. It was okay. It was just a nightmare. Just a nightmare.

Except it wasn't a nightmare. It was a memory. The first time he ever felt the pain of magic. He shivered. He hated the nightmares. It was like he was back there, alone and so helpless. He wondered momentarily if he ever really left that place. He knew a piece of it would always be there to remind him how worthless he really is.

"Siri, breath. Breath, Pads." The comforting voice came as a shock to Sirius. He suddenly realized Remus was resting in front of him. His big hands, knuckles covered in tiny scars, engulfed Sirius' own. "Breath. It's not real. I'm right here."

Sirius tried to do as Moony was telling him. He tried breathing but each time his breath was cut short and it came out shaky and uneven.

Remus shifted his hand to his back and he started rubbing in a circular pattern. "When my hand goes up, you breath in," Remus said, his hand curving upward. "And when it goes down-" he moved his hand in the downward last bit of the circular-"Breath out. You got this. I'm here."

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus on the consistent pattern of Remus rubbing his back. Slowly his breaths started to even out. This was so much easier than the other times, Sirius thought. Normally it took him a full hour or more to calm down without waking the other marauders up. This was... it was better.

"Can you tell me five things you can feel?" Remus asked. Sirius started panicking.Five things. Five things. Merlin, why can't he think of anything. Moony wants him to do it. Why can't he do it. No no no. Oh on. Why can't he breath. Fu-

"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay if you can't just try your best. I believe in you." Remus cut off his panicking thoughts.

Sirius took another deep breath. Right, five things. That's all. He closed his eyes again. He took a deep breath and started to list things. "Uh, your hand. The bed sheets... the breeze from the window. Um, the-- the fabric of my shirt." He was starting to calm down again, finally. He searched for a fifth thing. He could feel a warm breeze down his nose. No, not a breeze. "Your breath."

He slowly opened his eyes. Taking a deep breath he met Remus' gaze. The idiot had a ghost of a smile tugging at his lip. He looked proud of Sirius. His thumb stroked across his hand. "I knew you could do it."

Sirius found himself smiling at that. It was such a Remus thing to say.

He looked down. Had Remus really just witnessed his break down? He thought he hid his nightmares so well. What would happen now? He half expected Remus to call him weak and to get his act together.

"Do you mind if I ask what you were dreaming about?" Remus asked hesitantly. His thumb still rubbed circles on the back of his hand and he felt it easier to breath with it there now that his other hand was off his back. "You were screaming and crying out."

Sirius lowered his gaze again. Fuck. There was no avoiding it then, was there? He had to tell him. He owed that much to Remus after he just helped him. He took a deep breath.

"I-I... when I am ba-bad my parents would um, teach me that I was-s wrong. They... They hurt me. I deserved it. All of it."

"Pads, no. You don't-"

"I do! I am horrible! I deserve it all! I deserved every single one of those damn curses!"

Remus froze. He dropped Sirius' hands out of shock. "Curses... unforgivable curses?" When Sirius didn't answer Remus leaped to his feet, his face red with anger. "How... How could they! I will-- I swear next time I see them I will make them regret ever laying a hand on you! They will never ever, never go near you again as long as I'm around. Those fucking worth nothing assholes!"

Sirius quickly jumped to his feat and put his hands on Remus' shoulder. He felt Remus' angry ragged breaths blow on his face but ignored it. "Remus... please, stop. I don't care about them. It's fine."

"It's not fine!" He took a deep breath, his voice no longer yelling when he continued. "It's not fine, Siri. You don't deserve that. You are one of the most amazing people there are in the entire world. The universe even. What they did to you is cruel and you don't deserve it."

Sirius looked to the ground again. Remus didn't know what he was talking about. He was just trying to be nice.

"Can we just... can you just lay with me. For a little bit." His voice came out shyer than usual as he moved back to nestle in the covers of his bed. He heard Remus sigh before he felt the taller boy crawl under the covers beside him. He felt him wrap him arm around his waist and Sirius snuggled closer to his chest. He tried to tell himself it was just because he needed the comfort but he knew deep down he also just liked having Remus close.

He realized he liked a lot of things about Remus. Maybe it was just his brain trying to distract him from the nightmare but his thoughts kept circling back to the werewolf practically spooning him. He thought of his laugh, how he handled calming him down, his thumb stroking his hand, his smooth voice whispering reassuring words in his ear. He though of how infectious his smile was and the cute was some of his curls would fall in his face by the fire earlier that day.

Wait. Cute? Oh shi-

This couldn't be happening. It made sense but... there was no way.

"Do you remember when you said you like guys and girls today before dinner?" Sirius asked. He needed some answers. He just hoped his question didn't seem to random for Remus.

"Yeah...?" Remus replied, suspicion lacing into his tone.

"Is it possible for a guy to like only guys?"

"Sirius, I don't get what you're trying to say here. What does this have to do with your night mare?" Remus asked, pushing himself up onto his elbow.

"Just answer the question."

It took Remus a moment to respond. "Yeah. It's possible. I'm bi but when a bloke likes only guys then he's called gay. Some people don't like labels though."

Oh. So there was a word for it. Sirius thought on that for a moment. He wondered if maybe... maybe he was... gay? The word even sounded strange in his head. Maybe that was why he didn't like girls. Maybe that was why he liked Moon- What! No. He most definitely did not like... fuck he liked Moony.

"What if I was gay?" Sirius blurted out. He did wonder what Remus would make of that. Surely he was okay with that, right? As long as he didn't know Sirius likes him in particular it couldn't do any harm... right? He still couldn't wrap his head around that fact he like Remus. Remus Lupin! One of his best mates!

He had to admit though, it was better than liking James. That would be chaotic.

"Then I would accept that. I'm sure James and Peter would too." Remus smiled at Sirius. He returned the smile. He didn't know how he didn't realize he like the idiot before. Especially when he had that adorable smile.

"Okay."

Remus chuckled. "Okay? That's all you have to say?"

"Goodnight," Sirius said, dodging the question. Remus rolled his eyes but tugged Sirius closer to his chest again.

"Goodnight Pads," He whispered into his hair. The two fell asleep, limbs tangled together and breathing in sink. Sirius' last though before he drifted into sleep was of how lucky he was to have someone like Remus. Very lucky indeed.

————————————————————————

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIRIUS! 🥳
I'm aware it sucks. It's rushed and doesn't make sense but I had to update something.
        Hope y'all are doing well.

         Stay healthy!
       Last update: 03/11/2020