I didn't tell Eli what they put us through. 

Eli, who at the slightest mention of my previous life or if I showed any sign of unhappiness instantly took the blame upon himself. 

Although he asked the usuals 'how are you going?' Or 'what was this week like?' Or 'Did they tell you about ___ yet?'. At the end of the second week, I greeted him with a hug. Surprised at first, he held it for a long time, resting his chin atop my head. The delirious memories of him at my side, helping me clean and gut the fish still swirling at the back of my mind. I never asked him about it, worrying that it might give an indication of how off the rails I felt and thus starting the cycle of guilt and ruining my respite from the week's emotional manipulation.

We still slept in the same bed. Eli warded off the bad dreams and the feeling of hopelessness that tinged everything that I did. One night, late into the evening, I remember my hands brushing up against his skin. Just like that, we held hands in the night. Not wanting to let go.

I needed to accept to the reality that I'd been presented with, if I wanted a chance to escape from this Canadian wilderness. I couldn't let myself be caught up on the unfairness or the victimhood nature of the situation. I needed to focus on using every tool at my advantage; forging a trusting relationship with Eli and his elders that in the incredibly rare event that I was allowed to go on a supply run, I'd be able to find an opportunity to escape. 

Holding back from Eli wouldn't help. Shutting down any conversation in a fit of rage wouldn't help. Simply hanging out with a different set of friends wouldn't help. Every solution that I used to be able to utilise, I couldn't. This was a new world and it was uncharted and scary.

The third week of our training. Yes, third week, my stomach always churned at the thought of being away from my family for so long. I was supposed to be boarding a plane to Halifax from Edmonton to meet some extended members of the family who I'd never seen before.

Yet I was here, with I guess what classified as a fiancee, and imprisoned within a cult-like community in the Canadian wilderness.

I tried not to think about it too much. Getting caught up on the specifics would keep me depressed. Survival came in the form of keeping my head down and focusing on tackling each day at a time.

The third week of our training focused on rifling, water and snow endurance. Lou was aloof and distant, taking up residence with one of the other 'cliques' that formed within the sect of Novices. Anjie became firm and even more silent, barely speaking unless she was spoken to and Charlotte was on cloud nine. We had a few other faces that regularly hung around our group but Charlotte and Anjie I considered as the closest to friends that I had. Sometimes I caught Lou throwing scowls and angry looks when she thought I wasn't looking.

When I thought the previous week was hard, this one delivered to an even greater extent. Our morning routines of military exercises and running sprints becomes increasingly difficult with the addition of what Lady Hayley, and her training grunt/assistant called Hypoxic Masks. Soon enough, we were stumbling our way through the routes and exercises. One of the other girls who was the same age as Anjie, fainted during the final leg of morning sprints.

Also began was what we jokingly called 'water sprints'. If torture was a laughing matter. We were required to run up the length of the river through the frigid water. 

Perhaps I had lost it. Aside from the cold, these were my favourite exercises. Swimming. Finally something that I was somewhat proficient in.

A new favourite from our instructors was 'Snow Sitting'; an acclimatisation to the conditions without needing much clothing. Always in thirty minute rounds, we were implored to sit and meditate on the bare snow. I never really got past taking my cardigan off, whereas some girls stripped down to only their dresses.

"It's not about how well others do," Lady Hayley reminded us from the comfort of her hooded parka and undercover porch, "its about how well you improve," 

I had to actually bite back my tongue so I wouldn't spit something that got me in trouble.

It was Thursday, I remembered clearly, when we figured out that the best way to get upstream was to band together. After many early finishes on my end, our instructor, Gab (a shortening of Gabriel? I could never tell) declared that early finishers would have to wait on the shoreline until the slowest finished. I wanted to sulk, sometimes I had a good half an hour ahead of the latest swimmers. Instead, the exercise became oddly empowering. We had our strongest up front (as well as some at the back in case anyone got caught) and slowly, as a very long caterpillar, or sometimes in a 'v' formation, we made it up the kilometre stretch.

Water Sprints was followed by lunch and I found myself next to Charlotte and Anjie as well as two other girls who I'd nicknamed Tom and Jerry (for what reason, I was never sure). We'd been chatting about what we'd been doing on our weekends and when Jerry, the thinner version of the duo whose mop of strawberry blonde hair let her more angular features show, came up, she blushed.

"Sex," She proclaimed, "and a lot of it,"

The others had giggled like schoolgirls yet they shared the same knowing look. 

They were all doing it. I noticed. That feeling I'd gathered from the first week, suddenly spiked. My paranoia rose to a solid, one hundred and I took in a shaky breath.

Just because it's expected of everyone, doesn't mean you have to join in. My rationale tried. I tried for a cheeky smile, picking at my sandwich.

"When did you guys start?" I asked, a few thoughtful faces.

"I'd say the first night," Jerry snorted, shrugging shamelessly. A few giggles, the first night, a week in, right before we left!

My stomach churned in worry. Did Eli have this issue as well? Were his buddies laughing about their sexual escapees? Did he worry that we'd fall behind in the expectation that the community set for us? Would we be considered traitors or suspicious if we didn't start soon?

You don't know that they're watching you. A part of me implored. The others could just be excited.

Jerry saw my distant look. "What, you haven't done it yet?"

"No no no," I jumped in hastily, "I just didn't want to seem... promiscuous,"

The others laughed. "Imagine if you weren't," Jerry stopped to gasp between a chuckle, "imagine! The elders might have to step in!" Another gasp echoed around the group and I managed a beaming smile to keep with the status quo.

It wasn't the right words to say. As the others returned to their chatter about life and their relationships, a sense of unease filled my being. 

Imagine! The elders might have to step in.

Lunch finished with the call of the bell to which was afternoon rifling practice. Charlotte gasped in excitement. A surprise! We were met by the appearances of our partners.

"Parent's day at school," I whispered to Charlotte who surpassed a giggle as we stood in line, waiting for Lady Hayley to finish her introductory speech.

The challenge was simple; get two hits in a row on our swinging targets or four kill shots on our still target. One we get that, we can go home.

"I can't believe we have to stand without supports," Charlotte, who was a natural at shooting, hissed. I began to weigh up the pros and cons of going for the moving target verses the stationary one. I decided on the stationary.

Charlotte, who was probably our best shooter, was the first to leave. The chuckled chorus of the men who'd begun to drink echoed in my ears. I'd taken six shots and none of them successful; one missing, another into the lower end of the board, one a little higher over the shoulder and so forth. I began to wonder if I should take my chances on the swinging target.

I reloaded the rifle, Anjie was doing the same beside me, "At least we're doing it with the air rifles," I commented, "if we had to go handguns again, I'm sure that I'd be here until after the weekend," 

Anjie snorts.

"I'd rather we go back to the snipers anyway," She aimed, hitting the edge of the kill target.

"Hey," I cheered, "one out of four, you're almost there!"

She gave me a look.

I lined up my sights. Taking in a deep breath. Jerry's voice echoed in my ears almost tauntingly. Imagine! The elders might have to step in.

I shot.

A definite kill shot for sure, closer to the edge and a little less than perfect. I grinned. I can do this. I lined up another shot, clean, this one through the centre. I heard a clapping behind me, I knew it was Eli.

Stay focused, I shook myself out of it. Another deep breath.

My next two shots were shoddy, but acceptable. I got the 'ok' and got to leave. Eli greeted me with a big hug and helped me store the rifle.

"You're not too bad," He commented, a grin on his face.

"A stroke of luck," I shook my head, "I'm a terrible shot, swimming is more of my thing,"

"Swimming?" Eli asked, aghast as we walked, "at this time of the year?" I rushed inside the dorm to grab my things in a hastily mess and met Eli again at the front.

"Yep, it was pretty cold," We began our ascent together up the slippery steps.

"I can imagine," He replied as we made our way through the residential areas. My stomach churned. 

Imagine! The elders might have to step in.

I stopped, searching around me, we were surrounded by small, lowly built cottages all around us.

"Eli-," I began slowly, he stilled, his face inquiring. Today he was wearing more casual clothing; a warm, hoodless jacket with a spray proof one over it. He had on his normal, dark navy cargo pants and on his head, a warm black beanie hiding his hair. His eyes glinted in the overcast light. It was already getting dark. "Eli, can we go somewhere private? Not your house, away from..."

I gestured around and Eli seemed to have gotten the gist of it. He led me through a thick set of wooded trees past his house to a small clearing. A hand crafted seat sat in the middle. 

He led me past it to the opposing tree line.

"What's up?" He turned to me, his voice a whisper and the words curling in the cooling air.

We were very close, I noted. "We're being watched," I whispered, "I don't know how, but I-,"

"I know," He whispered, he looks up, searching around, as if the woods held listening ears. "I'm not surprised,"

"They've gotten suspicious," I struggled to verbalise what was running through my head. I looked up to Eli, expecting to see confusions but all I found was understanding. Eli got it, Eli knew. "I keep getting... hints, weird conversations and odd looks. Everyone else they, they've done it,"

It felt really awkward to say it but I did.

"Are you saying that you want to, because everyone else did?"

"I'm saying it would be beneficial for the both of us if we did,"

Eli shook his head, "No,"

"No?'"

"No, I'd rather risk suspicion then force you into it,"

Great, the white knight strikes at the absolute worst time. I scowled. I wanted to yell at him, how could he not get it?

You've kept the plan to yourself remember, a little part of me reminded. This is the time where you have to summon those years of acting and the characters in your books.

I clenched my eyes shut, breathing deeply. "I-I didn't mean it like that. I'm just worried about the implication that it might leave with you and your friends,"

"Don't worry about them," He insisted.

"We're already in the same bed every night," I snorted.

"I thought you were supposed to be Christian?" He toyed, I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, well," 

I didn't want to say that I compromised my morals in a hard situation. I wanted to believe that what I was trying to convince Eli of was against my own will. I wanted to believe that every action while I took wasn't of my own but was for the sake of survival. 

But here Eli was. 

He was gazing down at me with those, adoring eyes of his. Telling me, insisting, that what I'd convinced myself of, wasn't true. That I still did have a choice. That my actions were still my own as they'd be taken anywhere else.

Then I delved again, re-assessing the situation. The best way to free myself was to gain Eli's trust and adoration. The best way to escape was to convince the elders that I was compliant in everything that I did and had fully assimilated to their world. The thought of undertaking training for the next few months. Not being able to see my family for that time, crushed me.

I was doing well in training. I'd used every opportunity to show myself as resourceful and compliant. Now I needed to go the extra mile to speed this up.

"That is true," I said slowly, "but we're pretty much married anyway, right?"

Eli was silent, I guessed he smelled my b.s.

"I want it," I took a closer step to him, summoning every technique I knew. I placed my hand on his shoulder, playing with the fraying strings. "If not for you, then for me,"

Eli gave a mock sigh, looking away. "Please, take me to dinner first,"

I suppressed the urge to snort.

...

Eli had fallen asleep. It was somewhere in the early morning, his arm strung over me protectively. And me? My back was sore and my head throbbing from the euphoria running in my veins. Caught between an extreme high and a heavy low I couldn't bring myself to fall into the heavy unconsciousness that awaited me.

You wanted this, a little part of me reminded. I called for it, did everything short of begging for it. Yet I couldn't help the wave of disappointment crashing down around and within me. Doing that with Eli was a new step in the lows that I was going to survive.

I covered my face, trying to press back in the tears that threatened to slip out. You need to survive, I repeated to myself like a mantra. But that! So recklessly!

Harden up, a part of me hissed, you need to do what you've gotta do.

This? It felt slightly too far.

...

And that's how the nights went. Sometimes, I enjoyed it. Sometimes I'd rather that I be at the Training Dorms in my drafty bed and barely-helpful doona. Eli always fell asleep first, an arm strung across our bodies. Protective, even in unconsciousness.

It always took me a little longer to let unconsciousness take me. Especially on nights like those. I could never help the stray thoughts that would flitter through my mind and I often fell asleep with tears on my cheeks.

Monday morning came abruptly and unwelcome. Eli woke me up with breakfast sizzling and music playing. Some kind of country-like song. He'd insisted that we danced around the living room and we did. I couldn't help but laugh. A real, genuine laugh.

"Good luck," He'd whispered to me and kissed me on the forehead outside the Training drop-off point. "It'll be an... interesting week this week,"

"How so?" I asked, grabbing his arm before he escaped me, back into the real world.

"Well, it was mostly manifesto studying and parenting this week," He laughed lowly. Some of the other couples had arrived and were saying their goodbyes also. "Talking about books, I have something for you,"

He reaches behind himself into his backpack and pulls out a new, red book. I gasp in excitement. He passes it over and I turn it in my hands. It's new, and has that 'new book' smell that takes me back many years.

"Thank you, how did you get it?"

"Took a few towns but I eventually got there," He grinned, pleased at my excitement. I wrapped him up in the most genuine hug that I'd given in what felt like years.

"Thank you," I whispered. The bell called, it was time for me to go. I waved goodbye and turned to go inside. Over my shoulder, I called, "I'll be sure to let you know how it goes,"

"Can't wait," He called back and I ducked inside. Everyone was gathering in the main hall, buzzing with excitement from the weekend. I caught Lou throwing me a reproachful look.

Humming from the excitement of the present, I approached her. "Hi," She looked away, "hey... I'm really sorry about the cut and whatever else it was that I did... Is there anything that I can help you with?"

Lou's bitter face softened into what appeared to be shame. She shook her head, "It's okay, just-,"

"It's hard," I agreed, "but sometimes we've gotta make do with the cards that we're dealt with," My voice was surprisingly harsh and Lou look this, slightly surprised. She nodded.

"I know..." Lou sighed, defeated. Lady Hayley entered and everyone scrambled to their seats.

"We'll talk later, okay?" I rested my hand on her shoulder and gave it a small squeeze. She nods.

"Week Four already," Charlotte sighs as I sit next to her. I freeze, my mind flicking back to my waiting family. Had they given up? Had they found the community? Did they think I was dead?

"Yeah," I managed as a fleet of women entered, each carrying a baby. My stomach dropped.

"Oh no," Charlotte intoned, I nodded.

"Novices," Lady Hayley cheered, spreading her arms in excitement, "welcome to Week Four! Where you'll be learning the fundamentals of parenthood!"

...

The Fundamentals of Parenthood was probably the most apt description of what occurred throughout that week. We were each given a child (I wasn't sure how they found ten babies all around the same age in a community of under fifteen hundred people, but they did) that we essentially strapped to our backs for the duration of the week. During the day, the importance of childbearing was ingrained into our minds. I had the slightest increment of thankfulness that Eli and I had already 'started' so I didn't have to feel guilty about what we were being taught. The Novices also learnt the incredibly essential skills of sewing, knitting and cooking. Week Four was pretty much an accelerated course on 'how to be a good wife'.

I learnt more than I expected about what to eat and do during pregnancy, positions and the first signs to watch out for. Luckily, Angel (I tried not to roll my eyes, I really did), needed to be burped and I was able to escape from that particular talk.

Ironically, Angel was literally, a little angel the whole time. She rarely cried, and slept more than she was awake. I ended up creating a sling for her next to my bunk so I didn't accidentally kick her in the middle of the night. While the other girls wandered around the room, their babies on their shoulders, I enjoyed five, and occasionally six hours of sleep at a time.

The best benefit was in the mornings; instead of our standard, rigorous running program, we were taken on long walks or allowed to sit and chat. While some traded children to brush up on their shooting or combat skills (something that probably would've been in my best interest) I found myself as the designated nanny.

"You've given me a bad rep," I whispered to Angel who was nestled asleep in my sling while I did my best to burp Matthew in another arm. Tyler and Josh had finally fallen asleep in their designated doughnuts within the dormitory. Baby minding was tiring. I found myself often sleeping through meals or exercise. The other Novices got that. I was lucky to be blessed with the best of whatever communal meal was cooked up in the kitchen.

Carrying two or more kids around was tough work, I concluded after the second day. Every part of me was sore and I was coming down with some, long overdue cold from our long treks in the river and snow.

"Ugh," I flopped onto the bed after I returned a now sleeping Matthew to his doughnut and Angel to hers. I was ready to sleep until someone entered into the dormitory.

"Hey, get up!" Charlotte laughed, sitting on the bedside besides me. Tyler began to whine with the new intrusion. I groaned, flopping over.

"What do you want?" I grumbled. She poked me, "what?"

"Get up," Charlotte hissed with a slight giggle, "they boys are here again, watching the girls train! Go out there and surprise Eli with all the babies. Imagine his face!"

I did. It cause me to snort and drag myself out of bed.

It took a little while to sling the babies to me. One on the front, one on the back, Angel in my arm and Charlotte took Tyler who was beginning to squirm and cry again. Each with their various beanies and boots, I was certain that by the time we got outside, the boys would be gone.

We spotted each other not too far away. He blinked, biting back a comment and then grinning.

"You've got quite a load there," I snorted.

"Designated mother I guess," I did my best to shrug.

"Marian's got a way with babies," Charlotte almost sung, shooting me a sly look. I wanted to throttle her.

"Of course," Eli nodded awkwardly. 

Angel started to shuffle and whine so I had to give her a bit of attention.

"What are you guys doing here?" I asked curiously, letting Angel suck on the tip of my finger.

"Just checking in," Eli gave a small smile. "We finished up morning routines early and heard you guys also had free time so we decided to wander over,"

"Nice," I gave a small grin, Eli grinned back, "I better introduce you to the little ones. That's Tyler the Terror, Matthew, he always needs something really random, and Josh is pretty quiet though he always needs a bottle. And the baby that I actually got assigned was little Angel here. So far I think she's the only female out of the bunch. So you're very special, aren't you?" I cooed to the baby, she gave a small giggle.

"Well, girls are rare," Eli grinned and shrugged, "you're lucky to be taking care of her,"

"Yeah, she's a lot better than all of the boys," I agreed. Charlotte excused herself and Eli and I began to walk around the courtyard. The sound of .22 rifles and the occasional grunt in the background. "I haven't been able to catch up on my spot," I apologised.

We reached a smaller clearing which was the last overhang before the set of stairs down to the fishing rivers.

"Caring for babies has been... well, an exhausting experience,"

"That's okay, you seem to have your hands full," Eli chuckled, "I'm glad you're settling in well," He gave me a small smile. It wasn't hard to give one back.

"Well, if you look after everyone's kids, they give you free food so that's always fantastic," I tried for a laugh, Eli just seemed... Happy. Josh, on my back, began to wine. Jiggling didn't seem to help so I began to make my way to the covering of the dorm.

After a few instructions, I passed Angel, and then Matthew over to Eli.

"He's probably hungry," I explained, darting inside the dorm where I'd stashed all of the baby food. Re-emerging with said bottle, I cradled Josh as I fed him. Eli watched with a quiet thoughtfulness. Snowflakes drifting down around us with the slow motion, weightlessness that they had in the movies.

"You're really good at being a mother," Eli commented. I did my best not to feel conflicted with the praise, sensing the double meaning underneath.

"It's all about know what the baby needs," I spoke softly, reciting the words that Lady Hayley told us, "usually it's because they're hungry, or want to sleep, or something very specific. You just need to know what it is,"

"Of course," Eli spoke quietly, his breath curling in the chill.

Then, the question stuck in my mind. "Why are you really here?" I asked, "I'll be back by the weekend,"

Eli goes to speak, then stops himself, "I guess I just wanted to see you," His words were quiet, more of a confession than anything, "just wanted to see how you were holding up,"

I wasn't sure what he meant by that. Holding up? Did he mean after last weekend? After the training? After being kidnapped?

"I guess I'm going okay," I said slowly, "just taking it day by day. That's how the winners did it in Alone,"

"Alone?" Eli inquired, "what's that?"

I remembered that Eli hadn't had much of a life outside of this valley.

"Alone is this really cool Canadian show. I watched it when I was, well... uh home. They pretty much drop this single person in the middle of the wilderness with a few supplies and they have to film their struggle. They survive by themselves. There's heaps of reasons people tap out; they're starving, they injure themselves and so on. But the biggest one is because they can't deal with being lonely. But the kicker is that, whoever wins, in any season, they always go in with the mentality of taking it day by day. They don't even need to be the most skilled or trained. Some people will have like these amazing setups and they think about what they're doing and how they miss their family and then they quit because it becomes too much,"

"So taking it day by day is the best way to... survive," Eli summarised.

"Well, that's my theory anyway," I shrugged. Josh was nearing the end of his bottle and it was looking like I might need another, "what about you? Do you watch much tv?"

"Tv is a bit of a distraction," Eli shrugged, "I've got to be careful with it otherwise I'll find myself desiring the outside world. But enough to get most pop culture references and me-mes,"

I snorted, "You mean memes, right?"

Eli shrugged, doing his best not to laugh, "I like it here, life's simple with a simple purpose. No, self-hating dramas or questioning meanings. You're given a set of guidelines and that's how you live your life,"

I nodded, "Lou and stuff like that talked about how they came here on the recommendations of their doctors,"

Eli nodded slowly, "We do present ourselves as a self-help retreat. But it's more giving people purpose than anything,"

I kept quiet, Josh was slipping into unconsciousness in my arms. Now wasn't the time to cause a scene.

"I heard there's going to be a test for us at the end of the week," I shrugged after some time spent in silence.

"You'll be fine," Eli gave a small smile, "I mean, look at you, you're practically a natural,"

"Don't remind me,"