https://youtu.be/u9Dg-g7t2l4

Like a barren tree limb, Terra collapsed in the ashes. She was stuck in a loop of hallucinations that made her mind scream. At first, she thought she was dreaming, but knew it was something more. As smoke filled her lungs, Terra remembered that moment. That moment when everything changed. A life full of love, of hope... turned desolate and everything went black. The bustle of life was muted in an instant, replaced with deafening silence. Her thoughts, her breathing, and even her heart seemed to stop. Yet those words still echoed in her mind.

"I'm sorry, your husband has expired."

In that moment she fell into a chamber within her mind, collapsing within a place of echoing despair. Lost, within the Gray, of her mind. People that once surrounded her were now merely ashes that clung to her skin. Alive, in her death she arose. Smoke filled memories surrounded her hiding the engulfing flames of passion, expired. Searching across the Gray, the light of hope was absent from her horizon. Whispered words of the past swept through her hair like the calloused touch of his hands. A reminder of hope, now torn from the destruction of him. Her body wasted from that moment, she looked down at the emptiness that her diamond ring now represented and knew her young family would never be the same. Her skin cracked, dry as the bark on a tree from the memories that raked across her skin. There was no sound, no color, and no breath. It appeared there was nothing, but smoking embers. Gasping, Terra stood up. Reaching down she felt her gauze dress and seen the once snow-white fabric, turned gray, flakes of ash covering her naked feet. Her gaze wandered, searching, as the heated wind raked through her fiery hair. She was alone. Around her, she could see the sharp edges of Mountainous rocks. They were broken in black shards like a shattered mirror reflecting the darkness of day. The smoke swam around her pushing her forward towards the shoreline. The water oozed like black oil against the horizon and licked the shore like thick bubbles of misery.

Driven, her feet drug against the rocks. Terra reached down trying to stop moving but she only fell forward. She felt the heat of blood between her toes, but instead of a rich red, it was as black as a raven's feather. Against the shards her body seemed to echo like an eternal loop in tiny mirrors.

Forward, her body moved without her. Terra's heart raced, only able to see the black ocean cresting gray against the shore. She opened her mouth to cry out, to scream, but was only met with silence. The dark ocean was only a few feet away. Her body tensed trying to produce sound. Every muscle clenched, every ounce of breath within her escaped. Still, there was silence. Pulling against the smoke, she dug her feet into the ashy sand until finally, she collapsed. Terra could feel movement behind her. Turning, she saw them. Hundreds of gray figures walking blindly. Each haunted individual headed towards the black depths. Crouching against the black sands she watched as one by one, their feet touched the ocean. Continuously they walked into the depths until their heads vanished into the oily darkness. She felt tears streaming down her face, but they evaporated in a moment. Her eyes shot across the horizon, searching for a glimpse of hope. She kept looking for color, or a whisper of sunlight in the suffocating heat. Finally, she saw a square of light against the Gray.

Quickly she began crawling. Her knees scraped against the tiny shards tearing at her skin. Pain shot through her body like a thousand needles as she gasped for air. The pressure of the smoke pushed against her with suffocation. But Terra only forced herself harder along the shoreline to the window of light. After an eternity she finally reached it. A tiny square of color stood above her. Timidly her hand tried to reach forward to touch the window within the Gray only to discover that it was part of a door and collapsed from exhaustion. It was untouchable. Tears ran down her face like oil as she continued to search. Her screams echoed through her mind as she pounded against the Gray.

*****

Then, just as quickly she felt the cold. Opening her eyes, she was blinded by bitter lights and muffled voices as strange figures rushed towards her. The light grew brighter as she felt them place her in bed. The crisp sheets brushed against her skin like an unwelcome cocoon.

"Terra? Terra? Can you hear me?" he exclaimed. "What's wrong? I'm here. You're at the crisis center, you've had a hard couple of weeks, you were having a nightmare."

"What do you mean?" she asked looking into his eyes. "I wasn't asleep, I was in this place..." she screamed. "There's no way that was a NIGHTMARE! I can still feel the ashes against my skin! The heat! The smoke! Look! You can see the cuts on my legs! You're lying! What is this?!"

"No, Terra... you've been here the whole time."

"That can't be true. I am bleeding. My knees are scraped up from crawling through the rocks." She exclaimed pulling up her dress so she could see her legs. "Look at these cuts. How do you explain that?"

Looking down he ran his hand across the cuts. "You must have hurt yourself on the floor. Right now, you just need to calm down and rest."

"But I am calm! This did NOT come from the floor?!"

"No, you're not calm. Wow, that nightmare must have really did a number on you. I'm going to call the doctor. Maybe they have something that will help calm you down." He whispered. Gently, he pushed her matted hair back from her face and stood. "I will be right back."

"NO! Don't go! I don't want to go back to that place. You can't leave me." She pleaded as she pulled away from his touch.

"I'm only a volunteer, there's nothing else I can really do. You will be ok. I will be right back."

She watched him rush out of the room, the door closing hard behind him. Grabbing her thin white blanket, she clutched it to her body. The air felt like ice against her skin and the rough blanket barely shielded her from the bitterness. Everything around her felt sterile. A drastic contrast to the smoke from the Gray.

"Rough couple of weeks?" The man's words echoed through her head.

Taking a deep breath, she looked around. Why am I here? Laying her head against the pillow her eyes searched the ceiling counting the tiles as her mind reeled. Then like a gentle fog replacing the smoke in her mind, she saw him. His blonde hair gleaming in the sun. She remembered how he used to smile and the way his body felt against hers as they slept. Darren was, but now... he was gone.

Like a rushing cloud she remembered everything. The day they met, the way his lips tasted like cherry cigars, and their wedding day. Why am I still suffering, wasn't it supposed to get easier? She knew that her mother, Sheila, had just put her in the crisis center for a little rest.

"You're young", Her mother had said. "It's hard to become a widow at 30. You just need some quiet time to get through this."

Terra knew she wasn't crazy. I just need time to get my act together. Closing her eyes, she tried to slow down the avalanche of emotions. Calmly she made herself take slow, deep breaths imagining herself on a swing looking up through the leaves of an old maple tree, the warm kiss of sunlight on her skin. She could almost smell the freshly cut grass.

Hearing the door again, Terra sat up. "You're back. I'm sorry if I scared you... " she whispered, the sight of the stranger overwhelming her with guilt.

"It's ok. I've never had that happen before. I just walk around and bring in movies and books for everyone. I heard you screaming... you sounded terrified...but you seem better now. Or is that just an act?"

"I think I just needed a minute to wake up. Did you find someone?" She asked, putting her feet over the side of her bed.

"Yes, they said that you should be ok, but they were going to give you something to help with anxiety. They said that it be good if I kept an eye on you. You haven't had any visitors." Slowly he walked towards her. "My name is Paul; I don't think I ever told you that. Your name is on the door, or I wouldn't have known yours. They talk about you a lot. That is the other patients talk about you... nothing bad, I promise." He smiled. "Do you mind if I sit down?"

"It's nice to meet you, Paul." She answered shaking his hand. "I'd love for you to stay with me for a while. My family is just trying to give me time. I promise, I'm not crazy." She giggled uneasily.

"I know, don't worry, this isn't where they keep the crazy people." He winked as his finger brushed across her hand as he released his grasp.

For a moment, her eyes found his and her breath stopped. Quickly, she looked down at the floor as guilt swept over her. She didn't know this man. How could she possibly feel something like this? So soon after her husband's death? What would he think of her? She was in a "quiet" place because of what had happened. Now, she seen something in the eyes of a man she had just met. This isn't right, it's not possible. Looking up, Terra caught Paul's warm brown eyes staring into hers. There was something about his eyes, something different, tender, and forgiving. Maybe I'm just lonely. He's right, nobody ever comes to see me.

They were giving her a little too much space. She felt her heart racing. Looking down she noticed her hands shaking as she placed them under her legs, hoping he wouldn't notice. She felt the edges of her diamond ring digging into her skin as she tried to keep her body from betraying her.

"Are you cold?" Paul whispered. "I can see if I can find you an extra blanket...."

"That would be nice" she stated staring at the floor knowing the cold wasn't the only thing making her shiver. Of course, he would try to be considerate.

Paul knew she was frightened, but when he looked into her eyes, he felt something hiding behind her fragile strength. He just couldn't understand why she was alone. Her hands were interesting. They were soft, but in contrast, her nails were bitten down almost to where they bled. There was a raw beauty about her. Her hair was a mess of fiery waves that fell down her back, not smooth but rough and tangled against the ivory dress that was wrinkled from sleep. Paul imagined her walking in the sun, the light dancing in her eyes, the breeze caressing her skin.

Standing up, he walked just outside the door to a small oak cabinet. As he opened it, he lifted a stack of blankets and put them aside. Then he found it, hidden in the back under all the rough and worn blankets. It was a dark crimson and still as soft as the day he left it. It was his favorite from when he had stayed there, and he knew that's what she needed. He only hoped Terra didn't see the look in his eyes. She needed a friend, not an admirer.

Walking to her, he opened the blanket and wrapped it around her. "Hang on to this. I believe it's one of the nicest blankets in here." He smiled down at her.

Looking up she noticed that look in his eyes again. What was he thinking? He seemed so caring. Did he pity her? In that moment she was thankful for the blanket to hide her messy appearance. Terra didn't want to be a charity case. She really needed to pull it together. How long had it been since she brushed her hair? She couldn't even remember how long she had been there crying in her bed. How could anyone has been talking about her? She wasn't sure she had left her room more than a couple of times. Then again, it didn't take much to get people talking. She couldn't imagine what he had heard about her.

"How did you say you knew my name?" She asked, diverting her eyes fell to his lips, they were normal lips. They weren't big, they weren't small. There was a couple of hairs hanging down a little longer than the rest of his mustache, just barely curling down his lip to his mouth. His goatee was rough. She imagined him roughing it up with his hands when he got nervous.

"The other patients say you haven't come out much. That you lost your husband." he answered, glancing at the small patch of freckles under her eyes. "Does it bother you that I knew your name?"

"No... not really... I just didn't know how you knew me." Glancing down she noticed his hands. He had strong hands, clean and a little rough. But, not too rough. The sleeves of his crisp button up shirt were rolled and pushed to his elbows. The blue warming his pale skin.

A couple strands of hair fell onto his temples, framing his eyes. "I guess I really don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything, but maybe you could get out of the room and watch a movie or something. There's some of those new adult coloring books too. For me, it really helps to find something to express myself with. Do you have any hobbies or anything that you like to do?" He asked sitting down across from her.

" I don't know. Darren and I did everything together. We used to take pictures of things we found interesting. He loved to cook, and he loved to dance with me while we cooked. He stole a lot of kisses." She smiled, looking down at her rings. "That seems like an eternity ago." She stuttered glancing into his eyes. "Sometimes it feels like it would be selfish to want to love again."

"It's not selfish to want to be happy, Terra."

"I've had my happiness..." she stated bluntly. "How many other people can say that?" Standing up, she walked to the edge of the room. "There should really be a window in here." Reaching up she touched the block wall. "I miss being able to see outside."

"You can see outside from the tv room." He said walking to her. "Do you want me to walk you down there?"

"No," She laughed. "I'd probably scare everyone, I'm a mess."

"You may be a mess," he laughed, "But you're still stunning" he caught himself whisper under his breath. "Do you have a bag or anything that I could get for you?" He recovered hoping she didn't hear him.

"Somewhere... I guess maybe under the bed?" Terra questioned glancing into his eyes. Did she really hear him call her "stunning"?

He looked nervous as he got down on his knees to retrieve her small black bag. "Here you go, I should probably give you some space. After all, you don't really know me. You don't need some stranger staring at you." He stated turning away.

"Paul..." She muttered. Glancing into his eyes she could see the embarrassment. He had stopped walking, but he didn't say a word as she walked towards him. Reaching down she softly placed her hand on his arm. "Come back sometime soon... please."

"I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable. " he stated. " I didn't mean to say anything." he mumbled placing his hand on hers.

"I wish you would say more, but I don't deserve it. I'm not ready to hear anything like that. But I would still like for you to come back, though. You are the first person I've talked to in days."

Squeezing her gently, he stepped away. "I will be back...probably tomorrow. But you must make it out of your room by then? I hate to see anyone lock themselves away like this."

"I will try if it means you will come back. It gets lonely in here." Grabbing her hand again, he looked into her deep-sea blue eyes.

"Tomorrow." he stated firmly and walked away leaving her standing in the middle of the stark room.

The door sounded like a thousand hammers as it shut behind him and his dark hair disappeared from her view. Looking down she felt every hair on her legs standing on end. Her hair felt flat against her head, the tangles rough against her cheek. Stunning? He must have been crazy she thought to herself. Grabbing her bag, she started to look through it unable to remember what she had packed. If he was going to come back, if she was going to leave the room and go to therapy and face what had happened she had to at least brush her hair. There was barely anything in her bag. All she saw was a little blue sundress, her makeup bag, and a hairbrush. There wasn't much she could do with that, unfortunately. Grabbing the hairbrush, she made her way to her little restroom and looked in the mirror. She barely recognized her reflection because instead of a well-polished woman she only saw swollen eyes and oily skin. She was a shadow of her former self.

Turning on the water she splashed her face and gasped at the cold. Everything was cold in there. It was August and she was freezing. Grabbing a towel, she scrubbed the water from her face and headed back to the blanket that was laying half off her little bed. Wrapping herself up she couldn't help but shake. Her hands quivered as she touched the brush to her hair. It hadn't been brushed in days. Blankly she sat and stared at the wall imagining the sunlight that must have been on the other side. Her breath came quickly as her body began to shake. What if something bad happened to her? What would happen to her daughter? How could he die and just leave her alone like this? Closing her eyes, she felt her chest tighten. Pain coursed through her body as tried to catch her breath. She felt her little dress moving against her chest. Falling back against the bed she held the blanket tighter against her body.

"Count, just count..." she told herself. "It's just an anxiety attack, you can get through this." Slowly she started counting to herself. "1... 2.... 3.... nothing bad is going to happen." She

whispered. "4...... 5...... 6...... it's going to be ok. 7....8......9.... I can get through this."

Still clutching the blanket, she slowly sat up and grabbed the brush again. Trying to control her breathing she focused on a small crack in the wall, slowly running the brush through her hair. "It was painful, but it was good to focus on." She told herself. "Focus on the feeling of the brush going through your hair."

Soon, her heart rate started to slow down, and her breathing eased up. It was only a little better, but it was something. Since Darren had passed this happened a lot. Anxiety attacks came out of nowhere. She couldn't imagine him being gone.

"How could he leave her. How could he die so young? How was she supposed to raise their daughter alone? Where was the rest of her family? How was she supposed to do this alone? Why hadn't they visited her? This couldn't be real. It wasn't possible", she told

herself. But as she looked down to her dirty, wrinkled white dress, she knew it was.

Getting up she began to walk around the room, the panic still gripping her. She knew she needed to find a better way to manage her feelings. Terra felt the heat around her body. She felt it as though someone was holding a torch to her face. Walking in a small circle she started trying to relax again.

"Count, just count..." she told herself. "It's just an anxiety attack, you can get through this." Slowly she started counting to herself. "1... 2... 3... nothing bad is going to happen." She

whispered. "4... 5... 6... it's going to be ok. 7...8...9... I can get through this."

She kept wishing that Darren was there to hold her, to tell her everything was going to be ok, but he was gone. Reaching down she pinched herself.

"This can't be real. It must just be a bad dream. If it's a dream, it won't hurt when I pinch myself and then I'll wake up and he'll be lying beside me in our bed... at home." She hoped. "Ouch" she cried.

Laying down on the bed, she felt the salty water cover eyes with the warm moisture of tears. Her body shook as she grabbed the blanket and buried her face in the pillow. She couldn't believe this was happening to her. She was only 30 years old. She had found the love of her life, her soulmate. She didn't know how she could expect to love like that again. How could anything replace the passion that they had experienced together. It was impossible. Laying there she still felt his body against hers. She smelt the musky scent of his after shave and feel the roughness of his hands wrapped around her. The tears kept coming until she heard a knock on the door and one of the counselors came in.

"You need to come to group therapy, now" the woman stated dryly. "It starts in about 5 minutes, Terra."

"I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE LIKE THIS!" Terra screamed. "I need a shower, I

need to stop crying!"

"Well, right now you need to take one step at a time. I'm glad you want a shower, but you need to be going to these therapy sessions. They will really help." she stated as she walked out of the room.

Moments later, an older man appeared. His gray hair blended into the white walls, but his large blue eyes looked like they could see through anything. He just stood in the doorway leaning against it with his arms crossed.

"Do you really want to get a shower, Terra?" He asked bluntly. "I'd love to see you get out of this room, see you being more like yourself. Then maybe we can talk. Will you do that?"

"Yes, but I don't want to talk in group, I'd rather just talk to someone. I don't want everyone to know my business. They don't need to know what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling. This is happening to me, not them." She sobbed walking towards him.

"Come with me, then. I will watch for you. We will talk then."

Grabbing her bag, Terra followed him down the hall, still holding onto her blanket. She hoped the warm water would help soothe her anxiety. The last thing she wanted to do was tell anyone what she really felt. What did they expect her to say? It was too much for her to handle at one time. She knew that maybe if she tried to live, tried to do normal things, maybe she could find a little piece of herself again. Maybe she didn't have to think about Darren all the time. After all, she didn't want to be one of those women who can't find the will to live after their husbands pass. She'd heard of it happening to older couples that had been together for years. People who were supposed to be soulmates dying within weeks of each other, sometimes only days apart and other times it would be within a year. Terra knew she didn't want to be like those couples. Even if he was the one true love of her life, she knew there was more to think about than him. What would happen to their daughter Autumn? She was so full of life, affection, and laughter. She could always make Terra smile. Maybe she just needed to let herself forget enough to pull it together. She knew she couldn't do it for herself, but maybe she could do it for her.

The water felt like heaven against her skin. Closing her eyes, she felt the bubbles from the soap erase the stress from her body. Keeping her eyes closed she leaned her head against the wall and waited to run out of hot water. Letting herself sob, she allowed her tears to escape down the drain. At least in here her cries couldn't be heard. So, she let herself cry, trying to get it out. Keeping it bottled in had only led to nightmares. She was at a breaking point. How much more could she really take? How long would she mourn him? She felt her life calling for her, but she couldn't seem to reach it. Terra knew she had to take it one step at a time and had to do what was necessary to move forward.