20th October, 2022

Last night was horrific. After I wrote the poem, I realized I had opened scars that weren't meant to be opened and had scratched them deeper than I should have. Words fail to describe the sorrow I was feeling. I mean, I cried myself to sleep, dreamt about those days, and woke up with a splitting headache. Never again am I visiting that rabbit hole!

The dream made me live those dreaded moments again. The calm before the evident storm. After that argument, I knew things were over. I don't know why, I should have expected a breakup much earlier, but until that time, it didn't hit me as hard as it did.

However, a couple of months later, I got placed in a reputed company, and my mind ever since, had been overly focused on my company and its growth. During those last days with her, I believe my projects with the company and the fallout if I did hurt myself saved me from committing self-injury. But it wouldn't be a lie if I said I imagined committing it. I mean, that version of me was already broken. I used to wake up every morning, praying that this was me waking up from a nightmare, and Evelyn would call me anytime for our customary kiss. However, life remained the same, and my reality had become my nightmare.

In retrospect, I guess I lacked love and validation in my life. I belonged to a family that put success before anything else, even mental health. I was the eldest son, and after being bullied in my childhood, nothing mattered to me more than making state records. In this process, I lost self-love, I lost self-validation. I always sought love and validation from others. Frankly, I still do need validation to keep up my spirits, but in most cases, I am quite able to recover from my low spirits. It was this very weakness of mine that had glued me to her, even when the world was collapsing. I needed her validation, her occasional words of affection. So, when our contact stopped entirely, I lost the little bit of sanity that was left, and I nose-dived into my official responsibilities to feed my ever-growing appetite for appreciation and validation.

So, it was no surprise that when I got her call one fine morning, I felt ecstatic. I felt as if the nightmare was over, and things were recovering. Little did I realize that when life reluctantly raises you from the ground, its only intention is to slam you back harder. How would you answer when a girl asks, "Would you be mine?" Well, I did this.
___

After the last argument, we had barely talked,
Though I tried, I already knew I was completely blocked;
So it was enthralling to find your call logs, just as I had wished,
Oh, dear Evelyn, you don't know how much you have been missed!

"Hi Evelyn, how are you?", I asked, "Are you doing well?"
"I am doing good, but are you still sane living in that hell?"
"Well, got loving parents and a funny brother, but still I have your void",
"Well then", she said, "I shouldn't make the happy man annoyed."

"What was that?", I asked sharply, "Could we get over our sour phase?"
"Do you realize I have been a soul-less machine all these days?"
She asked in a serious tone, "Well, would it be possible for you to meet me?"
"Of course!", I replied, "For the next two weeks, I am relatively free."

"Well, can we meet tomorrow at Olive Garden, somewhere around three?"
Elated, I said "That sounds perfect to me!"
So there we were at Olive Garden, sharing some pasta and some bread,
I remember we were so cozy, and my shoulder was resting her head.

"Do you still love me, Shekhar?", she asked, as she drank coffee from her cup,
I kissed her forehead once and said, "Of course I do, my love! Why, what's up?"
"Nothing, I just think we have fought for too long, we should bury the past",
"We were confused about things, and I see the light at last."

"There's nothing that makes me happier, babe", I said, "I love you so much",
I felt her heart beating hard, and the warmth in her subtle touch;
I looked into her eyes, those same dreamy eyes in which I drowned years ago,
Those eyes were calling to unite, and we went on with the flow.

In the years we had been together, we were always kept apart,
In those 30 intimate seconds, we were finally following our hearts;
I knelt in front of the 50-odd people, and asked "Evelyn, will you be mine?
"With tears, she said, "Yes, babe, I am yours. You are someone I cannot decline!"
___