19th October 2022

Do you believe fate plays a major role in your life? I surely do. My relationship with Evelyn was a real example of how fate plays out. My friends know me as a calm person, who rarely loses his cool, and tackles all of life's shit with a straight face. But the constant debacle and arguments changed my personality. From a cool-headed guy, I had turned into a hot-headed, ever-angry monster. I would shout at my parents, my family members, and frankly, everybody who wasn't her had to see my Satanic self.

Do I regret doing all that? Of course, I do! I have soured many of my strong relationships during this period of my life. So, it was imperative that as 2020 rolled into 2021, I was getting insane. The devil that had confined itself to my family and friends was raising its head in our relationship as well. We fought almost every day, and we kept hurting each other over and over again. But don't be too quick to judge her as well. Life wasn't very easy for her too. Remember she had lost her father? Well, turns out it was because of a faulty maintenance job done by a private party. I remember how much she cried, how much she wished she was an engineer, not a doctor. But how could we change fate?

I tried to understand the issues she was facing, but somehow, she wasn't understanding mine. I remember 2021 as a year where I was always the culprit. I still acknowledge myself as a hard person to date when I have lost my mind, but I wasn't the only perpetrator. Yes, I had made mistakes. Yes, I had taken a few wrong steps, which I am sure I wouldn't take again. But there were times when I expected her to understand, yet all I got was a silent ear.

In retrospection however, she seems much more of a victim of situations rather than of mentality, and frankly, I get it. This is where I call in fate. I mean, what should I call the sequence of events we faced if not fate? While my family issues were resurfacing, my university final year project on my head, and my job interviews were in line, she needed me and I wasn't around. All of these factors, mixed handsomely with loads of mental and emotional strain from being locked down like caged animals, made me irritable, angry, and resentful.

I had grown so short-tempered that after a trivial argument in April, I got so angry that I threw my phone hard onto the wall shattering the screen, and bending its back, due to which I had to stay disconnected from the world for like 2 weeks! I had become violent! This led us to May 2021.

It was May 14th, 45 months into our relationship. I had fought with my parents the previous night and hoped for some love. Instead, we had changed, and it hurt.
___

The Covid pandemic wasn't the same for all,
While some died of the infection, others died of their financial downfall;
When I got my first job, the hiccups were trivial,
I was dying inside from the ignorance and vitriol.

I tried some damage control, I tried to mend our cracks,
But I guess the issues we faced since the lockdown, had broken our backs;
I remember the last fight we had, and realize when I introspect,
That the relationship we cherished so much, had now been wrecked.

"Shekhar, do you understand, I live in a house too",
"When I can manage to call, why can't you?"
"Evelyn", I said," I think we have gone over this",
"We would not fight about this, remember our promise?"

I won't say I wasn't to blame, but I feel the issues were blown out of proportion,
She could surely question my time management, but not my devotion;
"Do you think I am enjoying here", she asks, "You know I am reeling in pain",
"Babe, I know what you are feeling", I said, "but don't treat me in disdain!"

"Really man, I can't imagine how you can make this about yourself",
"I have never seen another man so obsessed with himself!"
This triggered that devil inside me, I could take this no more,
I was sure this wasn't the girl I was in love with before.

"If this is so, listen Evelyn, I have sacrificed my relations for you",
"If you think I have been pathetic, you have been a headache too";
"The promises you made, the fake ones, of understanding one another,"
"Was it something frank, or just a tactic to estrange me from my mother?"

Her silence was hurting, but it was time she knew it too,
She needed to know the things I was going through;
The Eden Garden where once we thrived was drying into the Sahara Desert;
Sadly, we have changed, and it really does hurt!
___