13th July, 2024

The last poem affected me a lot. I wasn't able to pull myself to write anything for the last two years. Honestly, I had thought of deleting the entire manuscript a couple of times during these 2 years But this godforsaken manuscript and her memories, both have persisted the test of time. I am a grown person now, but her memories, her cold approach, and somehow her indifference to my present feelings, all still hurts. I won't lie, it burns my soul. In these years, I have grown professionally. From a simple IT Engineer, I had been promoted to an IT Consultant. I was earning better, was much happier, and had grown my assets.

Yet I remained largely unlucky with love. After we officially called it quits, I tried finding someone for myself. To be fair, I did start up positive conversations with some lovely ladies, but something or the other would go amiss, and things would die down. Maybe I was still suffering from the inertia of my past. Maybe deep down, I was still hoping for her to come back.

She wasn't meant to be with me. After more than 3 years without her, the pain seems sharp, yet distant. The reality feels less fictionalized. The truth has dawned. The truth was that the hugs, kisses, romantic baby voices, and dreams of the future, all of those were the remnants of a troubled past. Evelyn was part of my past, a memory I wish I could erase.

As an update, I haven't completely gotten over my depression, and if my research into the subject meant anything, it is something that will stick with me until the last molecules of oxygen leave my lungs, and the battle between the microbes and the white blood cells would finally end in a victory for the former. Yes, I still have suicidal thoughts, but they are just that - thoughts. Over time, I have realized that my death won't bring any grief to the people I am grieving over. On the contrary, my parents, siblings, friends, and colleagues would be grief-stricken if I were gone

In short, I remain a largely broken man. I remember I had made a naïve, late-teen promise to Evelyn when we got together, "Babe, I will either marry you, or no one else!" I guess fate took that too literally, as she is happy, with the man of her dreams living around her, while the woman of my dreams is creating a sweet reality for another man. That's life I guess, fair and square!

Yet, I still re-iterate. I am very happy for Evelyn. She is rocking in her life, bringing laurels, creating history, and even breaking records. I guess the guy compliments her energy. If you ask me, I would never interfere in their lives. Heck, I would not even go to their wedding. Yup, I am broken, yet holding on. Holding to the gleaming hope of life!
___

It's been years since we parted ways, your pictures are all gone,
You have shown me the flaws on which I have to work on;
No, I am no traitor, I have promised myself to you,
You might have found your love in him, but I can't find someone new.

Our souls did cross paths, it surely had some reasons,
I am sure I had made mistakes; surely, I had made treasons;
Maybe I wasn't good enough, maybe I wasn't the best,
But Evelyn, you weren't my temporary guest.

I am not blaming you; I know you had your choice,
I am not blaming you; I just miss your caring voice;
I promised in your happiness will my happiness lie,
So when you have chosen him, I will not ask why.

It's been years since we talked, I wish we could be friends again,
I wish we could take back what was left, to the point where we began;
You were a great confidante, you were a great friend,
But with our relationship, we saw our friendship end.

I have moved sufficiently far, I know I will move on,
Out of the ashes of the old me, a new Shekhar will be born;
I won't lie, there are days when my eyes drown in its brine,
I won't lie, there are times when I wish you would be mine.

But then, I ask myself, will the mistakes of the past repeat,
I ask myself if I would again put us in the backseat;
Trust me, I cannot promise the world as he does,
I know I won't be able to handle this love, because;

I have moved beyond the shackles of a relationship,
I have moved on from the concept of a partnership;
I won't lie, most of my pain is conveniently gone,
But deep down, there's a guy who's broken, yet holding on!
___