Chapter 25

I was a mess, for a week. I felt physically sick, unless I was in my bed, under a pile of blankets. I figured I could just mope around and the heavy feeling in my chest would eventually fade. But just thinking about Nate and how much I missed him and wondering what he was doing hurt my heart, bad.

   He had texted the morning he left, early, saying he was leaving soon. I knew he wanted me to drive to his house to see him. One last hug, kiss, moment. But I ignored it. He texted again when he was halfway to his dorm, hoping I would answer. I didn't. Then, he called that afternoon, after he was moved into his room. I didn't answer, but I stared at his name NATE on my screen, until it stopped ringing.

   I'm really not ready to give up on us, Bea. I really hope you'll hear this and call me back. Please. He left a voicemail, which I listened to over and over again.

   But I couldn't call him back. This was better, a clean cut. He could forget me, move on, enjoy college on his own. If I made him mad at me, maybe it would be easier for him to move on.

   So, I was a mess. My mom knew it, Talia knew it, Mickey definitely knew it. She was getting over her breakup a lot easier than I was, and I felt like a bad friend for not being able to help her through it. But I was really struggling.

   None of them were able to do anything to help me, even though they tried. Talia let me cry to her. My mom left me alone, which she knew was best. Mickey told me it would be okay and that this was just part of my story. I knew these things. But I couldn't snap out of the depression I had fallen into.

   Finally, eight days after Nate left, Carter showed up at my door. I assumed Mickey had sent him, but I wasn't sure. I hadn't seen him all summer, I had only texted with him a little. We were over the worst of it but were not back to where we were. So seeing him at my front door that evening definitely surprised me. He looked concerned, and asked if he could come in.
 

   "Hi," he smiled, stepping inside.

  "Hey."

  "How're you doing?" he asked.

   "Not great."

  "I heard. Mickey told me. Why'd you end it with Davis?"  

   We sat down at the kitchen table beside each other. "I had to."
   

   "Why?"

   "Carter, he's in college. He's eighteen. We were just a fun thing... at the time. We weren't... real," I said, trying to convince myself.

   "Why do you always try to sell yourself short? I know you've been through a lot of shit and your parents suck, but I know you deserve everything in the world. "

   "Carter." I had tears in my eyes.

   "I've pretty much loved you since I first saw you in ninth grade homeroom. And I still do, but not like that. Not like he loves you. And trust me, I know love. You might not believe in it, but I do. And I know you love him. Why throw that away?"

   Tears were now pouring down my face. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and from him, it meant even more. Carter could get over how he felt about me to help me fix what I'd done wrong. I was so lucky he was my friend.

   The next morning, Carter, Mickey and I went on a road trip to Nate's dorm, three hours away. We sung too loud in the car, laughed until our throats hurt, and it was amazing. I had my two best friends, who knew me best, by my side as I walked up to the main doors of the dormitory. We had gotten into the car on a whim. It was Carter's idea, and Mickey was quick to agree. Now, my heart was racing, staring at the building.

   "Should I call him?" I asked my friends, freezing up. "What if he's not here?"

  "Call him," Mickey told me, nodding.

   I dialed his cell phone number and put my phone to my ear. It rang once, twice and half way into the third ring, it stopped. I heard a muffled voice.

  "Bea?"

  "Hey, Nate," I said, letting myself smile as I heard his voice.

  "Hi." He sounded confused. And half asleep.

  "So... I'm outside your dorm."

   "Wait, what?" Now, he sounded more awake.

   "Yeah. Do you want to come let us in? I have Mickey and Carter with me."

   "I'll be down in a minute," he said. "You're actually here?"

   I let out a laugh. "Yes."

   When he appeared in the lobby a few minutes later, I could see him through the glass doors, coming towards us. My heart was pounding, like pretty much every other time I saw him. That was how I knew Carter was right. This was right, even if it scared me. I should not have left Nate leave how he did.  Nate pushed the door open and I was already in his arms, holding him close. His T-shirt smelled like detergent and he had a bit of a beard starting. Ten days. It had been ten days since I'd seen him. 

   "I'm so glad you're here," he whispered, not letting me go. "But I can't believe it."

   "You can thank them," I nodded at my friends. They were standing back a bit, both smiling.

   "Oh, I will," he grinned.

   The four of us spent the whole day on campus, Nate never once letting go of my hand. We ate lunch, walked around the entire campus and ended up back in his dorm room. It was almost dinner time by the time I realized we had to get going. It was a long drive home again.

   "I have no idea what you guys did, or said to her," Nate said, grinning at Mickey and Carter. "But, thank you. I can't explain how I'm feeling right now."

   Mickey hugged him, whispering something in his ear. Carter shook his hand, and promised to be there for me, as a friend. And then they went down to wait in my car. 

   Nate and I hadn't really talked much all day. I'd caught him staring at me more than once, likely trying to figure out if this was really happening. It felt unreal to me, too. 

    Now, he pulled me close and kissed me, like all those other times. But now, it was real. We weren't just in it until summer's end. I had actually changed my mind, like he had hoped for. 

   "I can't believe you came," he told me, and I could see tears in his eyes. 

   "I've spent a long time thinking I wasn't good enough to be loved, like really loved. Like you love me," I said. "But I'm ready to love you. Completely."

   "You love me?" he asked, grinning. I nodded. "Oh, I thought you'd never say it."

    "I love you, I love you," I repeated. "I love your dimple, and your smile, and how you love your family. I love how you see me, how you know me. And I love who I am, when I'm with you."

   He was crying now, then pulled me close again. He couldn't find any words, but it didn't matter. He had said enough. 

   I needed someone to tell me it was okay to love and be loved. And maybe it wouldn't be perfect forever, but it was for now, with Nate. 

   "I'll call you when I get home," I told him. 

   He kissed me again. "Promise?"

  "Promise."

  "And you're un-breaking up with me, right?" he asked, his eyes wide.

  "Yes," I laughed. "That was kind of why I drove all the way here today."

  "Good," he smile. "Seriously, I still can't believe it. I was so sure I lost you for good."

  "I love you," I said again. 

  "I love you," he said back, right away. 

  "I guess I have to go."

   He kissed me again, holding my sides. "Okay. See you soon?"

  "Soon," I repeated, but knew now that even though we would be apart again, we would be okay.

~~~~~

A/N -     THE END

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