Jealousy or heartbreak? If it weren't winter, I would be in the garden plucking petals off flowers like "Am I jealous or am I not?"

The hangover from that party I went to a few days ago was incredible but not worse than the events. I vaguely remember passing out on the dance floor and I cringe at the memory of me trying to pole dance and epically failing because of how drunk I was.

But that wasn't what made me upset. There were two things, being kicked out of the play and seeing Bellamy kiss another girl. I really just want to talk about Bellamy because it's hurting me more. The only problem was, I wasn't ready to admit my feelings to anyone. Brianna and Eliza left for a cheerleading competition which could be extended because of the weather. I would tell Natasha but she clearly wants me to get with Keith. She was really straight forward about it. Keith knows, but I'm not ready to talk to him or Bellamy yet.

I thought maybe me and Bellamy were getting somewhere, he asked me to the party afterall, so where did I go wrong?

As I strolled down the hallway, I checked my phone. Since the party, Keith had been blowing up my phone with calls but not a single text or call from Bellamy. I turned my phone on silent because I figured the moment he wakes up, he'll call me again.

The doorbell rang and when I opened the door, I was surprised to see my friends standing there. I greeted Chris And Harry inside. I stopped when I realized there was a line behind them, starting with Luke who gave me an apologetic smile and strutted inside my house. I snapped my head back when Natasha hugged me ever so tightly while making squeaking sounds, she had her days. Then two boys tried to enter.

"No." I said before attempting to close the door. I cursed when Keith put his foot in the doorway.

"My dearest princess, please stop ignoring me." He put a hand on his heart with a dramatic expression before showing me his puppy dog eyes.

I looked over his shoulder to Bellamy who looked like he'd been dragged here.

I didn't know kissing someone's cousin was such a big deal, especially if you're totally out of your senses.

My gaze met Keith's again. "Get in before you freeze my house." I said before leaving them.

I went to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. I was surprised to see Luke standing there, almost waiting for me.

"How are you doing?" he asked as I sat. "Good, you?" I asked him.

"I'm sorry, I can't justify my actions." He said.

I cleared my throat. "I kissed Keith. That day, but then I stopped and when I thought we could possibly do it again, I came to you."

"I figured, he really hates me." He chuckled. "Yea, he's a weirdo." I joined in.

"I was actually going to come. I didn't want to ditch you." I told him as I sipped the warm liquid.

"I wish you did but now that I think about it, you deserve a lot better than some player who can't ever get his shit together." He said bitterly.

I placed my hand on his when I saw the look on his face and the sad emotion in his eyes.

"You deserve the best too and you'll find her. Don't be so hard on yourself." I retreated my hand as he looked at it for a while.

"I promise I'll be a better friend than boyfriend." We laughed and left the kitchen. To say the others were surprised to see us was an understatement but they quickly caught on.

"Let's take the party downstairs." I told them.

I felt someone poke my arm and I turned to face Bellamy. "We need to talk." He said.

"We really don't." I told him before walking downstairs. He took hold of my hand and pulled me away from the staircase.

"Jane, I was protecting you."

"Give me one good reason why you do that other than the 'I'm your friend' thing." I snapped. 

I needed to hear it but he stayed silent.

"I saw you get close with Keith and then the next minute you and Mike were all over each other," he explained. 

"Who is Mike?" I was genuinely confused now.

"My cousin," he said in a duh tone. I nodded my head. I thought he was Michie but that was beside the point. 

"There's nothing between me and Keith. We casually smoked a joint together." I said. 

"I'm just watching out for you. Don't you think you've been through enough?" he snapped.

I took a step back as he raised his voice. He was starting to scare me.

"You clearly go around asking for trouble. I thought maybe he got to you because you were vulnerable but you actually knocked on his door and forced yourself into all sort of shit didn't you? I wouldn't be surprised if you dialed his number asking for it again." He said before marching out of the house. I ran after him but I wasn't dressed for the weather outside.

"What the hell are you talking about? Get back in here!" I yelled at him but he completely ignored me and sat I'm his car.

"You know exactly what I mean Blake." He said before driving off.

Tears brimmed my eyes as I watched him leave. He was talking about Trace. 

I shut the door and ran to my room. I slammed the door and sunk to the floor. How could he say this to me?

Each word that he said repeated in my head and I wonder just how much he knew but even if he did why would he say those things.

"It wasn't my fault." I shouted out but it sounded more like a question than a statement.

"Dad, what's going on?" I cried as I looked around his hospital bed. My dad looked pale and completely drained yet he put on a smile...for me.

"I hate that you have to see me like this. Why don't you take a seat and I'll tell you." He told me.

I quietly dragged a chair towards his bed and sat down. He reached for my hand and I quickly took hold of his.

"Daddy, you're scaring me."

"I've tried my best sweetheart. I fought my hardest but I can't anymore." He said.

"Daddy, what are you talking about?" I shook his hand as his eyes shut briefly.

"You love your father, right?" he asked. I shook my head up and down quickly. "More than words can describe." I told him.

"Then promise me that you'll be strong for me and for us." He said.

"Daddy, I promise now tell me what's wrong. Stop doing this, you know I can't handle seeing you sick." I insisted. 

"You can handle it and you will. You're strong Blake and I'm so lucky to have a daughter like you." He said. 

I was getting frustrated now, he was making up excuses for no reason. At times like this I really wondered how I kept up with him, but at the same time I was scared for what he would have to say, when was the last time dad got emotional at a hospital? Never.

"If you don't tell me now, then I'm leaving." I tried to take my hand away from his hold but he held on tighter.

"I have cancer." He said. 

I laughed.  He had to be kidding but when I calmed down, dad's expression never changed. "You're kidding right?"

"I have pancreatic cancer and the doctors have given up on curing it." He tried to keep his voice from breaking. Tried. "I've been holding on to the 30% chance of curing it for a while but like I said, we've given up." He explained. 

Angry, sadness, hurt and guilt these were the emotions that took over me as I wept in front of my dad. He was saying something to me but I couldnt understand because of my loud sobs and headache. When I calmed down, I spoke up. "Why didn't you tell me this before? How long have you been lying to my face about your condition? What kind of a father are you? If you had the least bit of affection for your daughter you wouldn't do this to her." I sounded extremely bitter and I never said anything like this. My speech hurt me as much as it hurt him but even the dying man lying in front of me couldn't stop my greedy thoughts from being voiced. "Daddy, I thought we told each other everything. You can't leave me, not yet. I can't let you do that! If the doctors don't believe in that 30% then I'll make them. You're not leaving me."

We were both in tears and even though I was mad at him, I still hugged him because that's what I always did when I wasn't feeling good.

"If I told you then this last year would be a lot different. You would pace things up and try to make everything perfect. Even though it sounds good, it wouldn't be genuine. I didn't want to force a smile on your face even if something went wrong. I wanted to be with the true you. I wanted to spend the little time I had left with my daughter the right way. I wanted to smile with you on your good days and be there for you on the bad ones. And honey, this isn't a movie, I only have a few weeks left. You're strong enough to accept this and make through it." He was still his practical self.

The doctor came in and I had to withdraw from the hug. My dad and the doctor joked around but I wasn't listening or acknowledging anything. I sat on the armchair in the corner and tried to taken in everything that was happening.

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep so I got myself a coffee to act like it prevented me from sleeping. I knew dad could see through my facade but he didn't say anything and neither did I.

I sat close to his bed and watched him take around twenty different pills. How could I have not have the slightest bit of clue?

The nurses would occasionally check in and exchange a few words with us but I developed a serious grudge against the one who told me to go home. I would've strangled her if my dad didn't hold my hand and keep me in place.

"Now that we've settled that, I have something else to tell you." I crossed my fingers hoping it was good news. I was going to be optimistic because I knew this isn't going to end bad.

"You have to go to school and your aunt's coming here in a few days so you'll stay with her at home. Education is important Blake."

I didn't laugh at the last sentence even though he would say it when I would ramble on about dance to hush me.

"No, I'm not leaving you alone . You said it yourself, we don't have much time." I said. The next ten minutes we bickered until he got the last word.

I stayed silent after that and I forced a smile when I felt he was getting sleepy. When I knew he was asleep I silently cried again.

"Who will walk me down the aisle?" I asked him but he didn't reply.

I couldn't have a more shit day, I cried during all of my classes and I cursed at the counsellor when he got all fake with me. It's crazy how they think by putting on a sad face, someone will believe that they care for them. All I told him was a fake sad story which he almost bought before coming to the conclusion that I broke up with my non existent boyfriend. He managed to get me a detention but I skipped it because I knew I didn't deserve it and there was no way that I was going to sit in a classroom full of delinquents When I could be spending time with dad.

Tom met up with me at home time like we always did. Throughout the day I told him about yesterday. He almost looked hurt but it was just a flash in his eyes. Like all the others, my high school was full of fake people and the worst of them were in Junior year with me.

"You've been eyeing him all day. What's up with that?" Tom said as we looked in the direction of the biggest troublemaker ever, Trace. He's been failing school since three years now and because of his family background, no one does anything but other than that, he's known for being involved with all the bad things about the state, yes the state.

"Why do you think I've been staring at him?" I asked Tom.

"Oh no, you're not going to him Blake. I won't let you ruin yourself. What will your dad say if he finds out." He said.

"I just need cigarettes, okay? And my dad won't know because he's stuck in a hospital bed until he dies, which isn't going to take long so if you excuse me, I'll just get something that'll help me get by this shit phase of my life." I said.

"Fine, but I'm always here for you."

I bitterly laughed at the ending of the memory that was boldly playing in my head.

I took my phone out and dialed Tom's number. He picked up on the last bell.

"Hello, sorry but who is this?" he asked.

I sucked in a breath.

"The girl you told you'd be there for but you avoided the very next day and on the third you became complete strangers. Like that wasn't enough, you made sure to spread enough rumors to keep everyone I knew away from me. So tell me Thomas, why the fuck did you lie about being my friend? All the time that I wasted with you, I could've found a real friend." I choked on my words.

"You're still psychotic, aren't you?" He said before the line clicked.

"It's not my fault! Why doesn't anyone understand, it's not me!" I screamed and banged my fists to the ground despite the pain.

Within a minute I heard footsteps coming towards my room. The door flew open and I was engulfed in a hug. I moved away from Keith and dug my head in Chris's chest. He was the closest thing I had to a brother and I knew I could never doubt his feelings for me.

"It's going to be alright." I heard Natasha say before my wrapped herself around my back. We stayed like that as I cried. People would walk in and out of my room and use hushed tone to converse but that's all that I could make out.

"I'm so sorry for being the worst mother ever." I heard my mom say.

I pulled away from Chris and looked at her. She looked like she ran all the way from the hospital to here. I quickly ran towards her and hugged her. "Then stop being one mom. I need you, I need all of you." I sobbed.

In the next few hours everyone managed to calm me down. I couldn't appreciate them enough. Mom offered to bring us dinner real quick. I took the time to thank each of them individually.

I stopped when I saw a figure in the corner of my room. His hands held his knees close to his chest while his head hung down.

Chris tried to stop me but I told him I needed to do it. This must've figured he had something to do with my breakdown and that made me feel guilty.

"B-bellamy?" I used my hand to stick his head up so it would face me.

"Before you kick me out, I just want to say something," he said. I sat down, crossed legged and he did too. "I know the damage has been done but if there'd aa possibility of ant further damage, I have clear things out because it's clearly my fault, not yours. It never was and knowing you, it never will be. Whatever I said, it was out of anger and jealousy. I swear to you that I didn't mean it. I chose the cowards way of facing things and you don't know how much I regret every single word. Sorry is the smallest way to apologize but I'll start at it and I hope one day I actually make up for making you feel everything you shouldnt and making you remember everything you should forget. I feel like sick bastard, no, I am acsick bastard because I just can't leave you even after hurting you."

I don't know why but I took his hands in mine and squeezed them but he quickly withdrew them.

"I'm so selfish," he muttered to himself but it was loud enough for me to hear.

"How are you still doing this? Sitting in front of me like all that just happened wasn't because of me. I'm ready for whatever punishment you have for me. I'll—"

He was interrupted by my mom who took loud steps towards us.

"Get away from my daughter," she said before pushing him towards the wall. I stepped between them before things could escalate.

I stopped everyone from intervening. "Mom, what's our relationship like before this...incident?" I asked her.

She opened her mouth to speak but closed it immediately.

"Exactly, and maybe I didn't trust everyone in this room like I do now before either. He may or may not have triggered my breakdown but what became of it matters more. I've been holding in a lot, for months now and getting some of that out was needed. Don't blame Bellamy, he only upset me, the rest was on me. And I forgive you, not completely but I do to a huge extent and I'm also sorry to all of you. I'm sorry for being the crazy friend."

That seemed to do it, a bit. Mom gave him a small smile while I hugged him for a while too long but only because it made me feel better.

"Alright kids, how about we eat dinner. It's been a long day and you're all welcomed to stay the night. I'll call your parents if you need permission." A few light chuckles came as everyone filed out.

Bellamy's hand brushed with mine and we intertwined our first two fingers together. It was enough to know that things will be alright...between us but I still had something to say to him.

"I've been bitchy about it all the time and I probably still will be but thank you, for always looking out for me. I've never had anyone actually doing that for me and right now, I couldn't be more grateful." I told him truthfully.

"I've always got your back Jane." He weakly smiled at me and since the longest time ever, his slightly red eyes lit up a little. I tried my best to smile back as I wiped away a stray tear.

"Just don't call me Blake again. It was really offensive." I said. This time we didn't force a smile.

Even though mom rushed to prepare food, it still tasted really good but we still played with the tiny serving we helped ourselves to. Except for Harry of course, he could light up a Christmas tree with the energy he had.

"So why did you call Tom and who is he?" he casually asked. Before I could react, Luke and Chris probably kicked him from under the table because he groaned and glared at them.

I waited until mom went to refill the jug of water to answer.

"He was a friend who lied to me, spread a few rumors and called me psychotic when I called him." I shrugged as mom joined us again. They were smart enough to figure out why.

"The nicest people get stuck with the shitiest lot." said Keith.

"I better not be the shitty lot," I said as I played with the food in my plate.

"You're not. Now cheer up princess, before that crown slips." He said. I raised my head up and found him smiling at me.

As the tension in the air faded we found our appetite and spent time at the dinner table. Mom wanted to stay by my side but she wanted to give us privacy too but when we insisted that she should stay, we as in Bellamy the most, a genuine smile appeared on her face. I noticed them sharing a few words in the kitchen later now but I assumed things were fine when he smiled at me when he caught my gaze.

We decided to watch a movie I'm the family room since most of us could fit on the comfortable couch while the others had to use a sleeping bag or multiple blankets and duvets as a bed. I ended up being the first to sleep and last to wake up the next morning. I only blamed the headache and painkillers.