I consistently reveled in the thought that night times was just an entire vast room we ought to confine ourselves in at a specific time. A time presided over not by our hands, but more precisely through divine providence.

And tonight, as I stared into the dark skies, the bulb in our room was strikingly bright, full, and on.

It made me recall the days when I was fated to sit by the windows on the plane, and there I saw how we're still flying under the compartments of dawn, passing through the pitch-black, purple, and blues as we inched closer to the peeking sunrise on the other side of the horizon. Those were the moments when I never got to be reminded of my losses.

I wanted to stand in the middle of it all. Take a step on the blatant lines of those boundaries of the other room. To stand in between sunrise and dawn, late noon and night, as if standing with my right foot in a well-lit room while the other was soaked in the darkness of the unlit one.

I wanted to touch where it ended. Where it divided and where it began. Katulad na lamang sa himpapawid kung saan mo matatanaw ang pagkakahati ng mundo. Ako na nanatili pa sa ilalim ng halong dilim at bughaw na unti-unting gumagapang sa pagsilip ng araw.

But if I desired for solitude and repose, I can just sit still in this room, enwreathed with the scent of night's death, rinsing the rotten bones of outrage, regret, and the bite of guilt after my argument with Papa.

Then as the dawn crept to fade, slowly conquered by the rising columns to build the daylight room, I shut my windows from the chamber I myself has forged. Sleep, the other room I can control this time offering a reward of dreams, or the penalty of nightmares. Depends on what I did before I slipped into the comforts of round dark walls.

Except that... I ain't sleeping tonight. No, not in this kind of room. Instead, I was leading the dance of my nightmares as I was fully aware of my past behaviors. Fully aware that, at last, the ill-humored Tristesse Adara has finally met her doom.

I loathed him first. Resented, perused with repulsion... envied. Then the remainder of those days all slipped into a passing blur...

"What took you so long? Ano'ng sinabi niya?!" I hissed.

Naiinip ang bungad ko kay Markos pagkatapos nitong iluwa ang sarili mula sa palumpong na hindi kalayuan mula sa pinagtataguan ko.

He took his time getting rid of the withered leaves clinging to his shoulders from crawling in the bushes. Kung bakit ba kasi riyan siya dumaan kung puwede naman na deretsong sa harap ko na. O siguro iniiwasan din ang mapagmasid na mga matang maaaring hahagip sa kanya lalo na sa ginaganap na party sa harap namin.

Markos sighed and finally faced me with an all-ready response. "Ayaw niya akong kausapin. He must have known my intention the moment I barged in. I mean, you know him. You can't trick the man like that."

I knew. But I was about to lose my mind considering the severed patience I've been trying so hard to keep intact. Pero tila akong nagdidikit ng mga pinong basag na baso na hindi na kailanman maibabalik nang buo, katulad na lang ng pasensiyang pinaghihirapan ko. Patience has never been my style, and for me to strain my guts just to keep an intangible virtue like that? It must have meant something. That should have meant something! Hindi ako papayag na mauuwi lang sa wala ang kahit anong pinaghirapan kong buoin!

I lost count of the times I saw him speak to someone, different people, inside the school premises. As a man who's never fond of any verbal exchange, funny how he has conversed with almost everyone. But me. And take note, ngayon lang iyan pagkatapos ng huling engkuwentro namin. He's always been reserved and despised small talk unless you're a friend or a family.

So what was his problem? Kaya duda akong hindi siya nakausap ni Markos. Maliban na lang talaga na alam nga niya ang intensyon ng kaibigan. Had only Markos have a different purpose when he decided to pay his friend an unannounced visit, something that wasn't influenced by me, for sure he'd be entertaining him as well, right? Just as long as it was anyone. As long as it wasn't me.

Suminghap ako at marahang pumikit bago muli siyang nilingon. "Hindi mo ba talaga napilit?"

He took a tentative step and, with his naturally blatant manliness, crossed his arms against his chest.

"Force, or rather persuasion, is not my strongest suit, Tris. But then... it always depends." He smirked.

I narrowed my eyes into slits before they rolled. In his amused and baritone chuckle, my spine could have shivered. I could have swooned. Kung hindi ko lang talaga alam ang sikreto niya.

Markos was a sure one who unfailingly puts up with me. Despite the flaws and my changing weather, he was never a disappointment when it came to loyalty. I didn't have that many friends... well, forget that. I didn't have any friends at all. Hindi ko rin naman sinadyang maging kaibigan siya noong una dahil natuto na ako sa mga nagdaang karanasan. Isa pa, mas malapit din naman siya roon sa isa. Yet regardless of his standing in his best friend's life, I can dare say he treated me the same way now. He's become a trusted confidant. It spoke volumes when I called him 'friend' knowing my obvious detestation by the mere mention of it because of some bad experiences in the past.

I regarded him, always sporting his varsity jacket that ever declares his high placement in the university. The typical rich and spoiled, Markos Samael DeRose, coupled with his disarming looks and crazy gorgeous hair. But behind the playboy charms, there lied an immutable pain.

"Kailan mo ba siya huling nakausap?" The sudden concern walked beside his tone.

"A month ago."

His thick brows genuinely creased. "Weird. And how was the talk?"

Umirap ako, naalala kung paano nga ba ito nagsimula.

"We didn't talk," I said.

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya. I can read the clear malice in his eyes and the slow creeping of a meaningful smile. His mouth opened, set to spell out his running fantasy.

"We argued." I ended it.

"You argued like..."

"The usual. I throw things at him, and he screams... " I hesitated. "Medyo ininsulto ko lang naman siya."

"Medyo?! You know that medyo of yours means... boogsh! " He made an explosion gesture with his hands. "Explosive, Tris! The first time you did that to me, I almost cried to my mom. I don't want to go to school anymore! Literal na gawa sa itak ang mga salita mo."

I didn't deny it. At first, I was oblivious about his feelings or other people who were at the receiving end of my harsh words. Now that he's mentioned it , sumilip ang konsensiya na hindi ko akalain na meron pala ako.

I threw him a side-eye. "You don't deserve that."

"Oh, am I hearing an apology?"

"No. I'm just saying you don't deserve that."

"That's definitely an apology. Come on! Gaano ba kahirap sa 'yo ang sabihin iyon? Pagpraktisan mo na ang pagso-sorry sa 'kin bago mo siya puntahan."

I shot him a frosty look.

"Say so-rry. Ikaw nga," paghahamon niya.

I was not even sure if he's just making sport of me but I obeyed, shaping my mouth ready to say the first letter. Napagaya siya sa hinulma ng bibig ko, like coaching me to continue what I was doing until I could finally say it.

"Ayan na, malapit na. Sabihin mo na. Sor..."

Ridiculous.

"No." I finalized it.

Natigilan siya at inipit ang mga labi, lumamlam sa inis ang mga mata. Umirap ako. Hindi na muling nagsalita nang tuluyang nagtagal ang tingin sa kasiyahang nangyayari sa malaking court yard ng unibersidad.

The school was currently holding its annual shindig, which I assumed was more of a graduation ball for the seniors who were set to finish their courses this year. Aside from the booze, I figured this was also to honor the top performers in our batch. One of the many reasons why I was here hiding in the bushes and not at the very heart of the party. My father was right there, exalting at the latest breeds his empire has produced. Kahit ang paglapit lang doon ay panggatong na sa apoy na noong isang buwan pang nagliliyab. Dumagdag pa ang pinag-awayan namin kaninang hapon.

I admit to have not been the greatest. But in my father's eyes, I wanted to be the best. I wanted to exceed expectations. I was almost there, my hands whispering a touch to that one sure ambition, then I lost.

At katulad ng dati ay iba na ulit ang nakikita niya. Ngunit sa dinami-rami ng puwede niyang makita, siya pa!

"Ano na naman ba'ng insulto mo sa kanya?" muling pag-imik ni Markos. "Na pulubi siya?"

It begged my head to swing back at him. Hindi niya nakikita ang lalim ng kunot ng noo ko dahil nakamasid na rin siya sa kasiyahan.

"You don't need to constantly slap it to his face, Tris. That's not new and it never rattles him."

Hindi ako nagsalita kahit na gusto ko siyang pabulaanan na wala akong sinabing ganoon. My insults no longer involved him coming from a poor upbringing. Huminto ako sa ganoong kaisipan nang matantong hindi niya kasalanan na namulat siya sa putik, at hindi rin naman masama na mahirap siya lalo't nakikita ng lahat ang kanyang pagsisikap na umahon. People like him who came out poor usually worked harder and achieved better things.

He never used anyone. Instead, he availed himself of his skill. A rare and brilliant talent. Ayaw kong aminin pero totoong mas may maibubuga talaga siya kaysa sa akin. Kaya kahit galit na galit ako ay hindi ko rin maitatanggi at masisi si Papa kung bakit mas pabor siya sa kanya.

A natural talent coupled with a hardworking nature, he sure can go places!

Pero naisip ko... na ganoon din naman ako. Kaya ano nga ba ang kulang sa akin?

"I don't want to think about it, Markos. I just want to talk to him." My tone served cold to conceal the notes of my shivering self-doubts.

"Will you finally apologize? Ikaw pala ang nagsimula, e."

His accusation triggered me. My heart was already pounding wild when I turned to him. Unable to hide my frustration, I bared my fangs.

"Kahit ako pa ang nagsimula, hinahabol naman ako n'on pagkatapos! Then we're in good terms again. This time, I don't understand... we even had larger arguments than this!"

Mukha akong batang nagsusumbong. At kahit nakakalawak ng guwang sa kalamnan na balikan ang huling pag-uusap namin, pilit kong inalala saan ako nagkamali, kung ako nga ba ang pasimuno. O baka wala naman talaga sa amin. His silent treatment, maybe it didn't mean anything to him at all while here I was, making a big deal out of this! My feathers ruffled and my sprouting faith, already shaken!

I cannot accept how getting the cold shoulder affected me a lot while he's tucked in his cave, midway into forging his best life. And this may not be a competition, but why did I feel like losing? I was losing in a dying game, or yet, defeated in a match where I myself was, after all, my own nemesis!

"Oh, you poor thing..." Markos ruffled my hair as he voiced out his uninvited sympathy.

I swatted his hand and glared at him. He laughed with a taunting spark in his hooded eyes.

"Is this finally happening? Tristesse Adara Ruiz Del Vizo, in love at last!"

"Manahimik ka nga!" kabado kong saway sa paratang niya. "This doesn't mean anything. He doesn't talk to me and that's it!"

"O, bakit ka affected? Knowing you, Tris, you could have just ignored it."

I gritted my teeth. "No one ignores me, Markos."

"Oy, I did kaya. Hindi mo naman ako hinabol, a? Tatlong beses din iyon, naalala ko. But he ignored you more since he doesn't really talk much. He's more into... action." Nagtaas-baba siya ng kilay at marahang itinama ang balikat niya sa balikat ko.

I was genuinely doing my best to ignore his teasing by schooling a proud and cold facade because the truth was, my insides rolled. Stirred, tickled not by butterflies but baby spiders creeping, for I couldn't paint this infant truth a bright colorful sight. What he claimed to be my newborn feelings were nothing but haunting and eerie! And Tristesse, in love at last, sounded more like a song bound for the graves!

I sighed. Hindi na ako mapakali. May gusto akong gawin pero hindi ako sigurado kung tama o kaya ko ba.

In mid-panic, I jumped at the sudden rustling of the leaves behind us. Our heads turned, anticipating that someone was also out here hiding with us 'cause they got bored at the party. In the process of rolling my gaze around the dark corners, my eyes widened to see my Ragdoll cat emerge in one of the bushes.

"Beulah!" Humakbang na ako nang tinawag siya at sinikop.

I held her gently to my chest as I picked out dry leaves sticking in her pure white fur. Hindi ko namalayan na wala pala siya at inakalang nasa opisina lang ni Papa.

She purred as if responding to my call to her.

"Where's your bell?" I cooed. Wala na iyong maliit na bell sa pulang collar niya. She purred again.

"Hm, you know what? He has a soft spot for your kitty."

Nagsalubong ang kilay ko nang hindi binabalingan si Markos. "So?"

"So, why don't you make capital out of it?"

I was about to lash out when the consideration caught me. Sandaling pagdaan lang naman iyon, mabilis na pasulyap sa kapakinabangan pero natauhan ako.

"No, I won't use my cat."

"And you would rather use me?"

"You're his best friend! I just thought..." I huffed, cradling Beulah to somehow comfort me while I bore the pressure of making the impulsive decision. "I will talk to him."

I didn't think it puts a dent in my pride. Kausap lang naman, hindi paghahabol iyon. In that way, he might begin to mention his reasons for avoiding me. If he didn't, I won't force him. Hindi rin ako maghahabol. I already did my part and if that wasn't enough exertion for him or anyone, then I don't think I am the main problem.

I'll never be the one who does the chasing. I don't chase people. I chase ambitions. I just want a talk, that is all. Saglit na pangungumusta lang tapos ay aalis na.

"Kaya mo?" hamon sa akin ni Markos na bahagya kong ikinainsulto.

"Of course!" I said in sheer confidence.

"Good! So, you don't need me here anymore?" Unti-unti siyang umaatras, handang iwanan ako sa dilim.

In my widened eyes, I froze. Sa ganoong reaksyon ako nagbalik ng tingin sa patuloy na kasiyahan sa patyo. The laughters of the people and the merry music resonated through the field. Eyeing the entrance of the halls, I could see that I have to pass through a group of people who were obviously invested in the party. Also, there's a fat chance I'll be seen by Tita Norveena, which would lead the rest of the family to realize I wasn't participating in the occasion this whole time!

At sa oras na mamataan nila ako, wala na akong takas. Knowing Tita, she always has the flair for close family ties and grand parties. Siguradong ididikit niya ako sa balakang niya kapag malaman nitong wala ako sa pagdiriwang. As much as I would love to catch up with my ostentatious aunt, sticking to her hip tonight would mean forced interaction with people I barely knew.

When I just claimed that nights like these were just a whole big room of mine, here were these people invading my privacy.

Naduwag na ako nang balikan ulit si Markos. Brows highly arched, as if he already knew the final verdict, and he stayed just to witness it himself how right he was.

"Hatid mo ako," sabi ko sabay tango sa courtyard.

Kung sa likod ng building naman kami dadaan, aakyatin pa ang mga silid doon. It won't do, especially that I was wearing a white long sleeve floral tulle dress. We're only going to give ourselves a hard time. Plus, I was holding Beulah.

He gazed through the yard assessing the abundance of people. I was not sure if he knew I didn't like to interact much, o siguro may nakita siya roong nakapagpatanto sa kanya na mas mabuting samahan na lang ako.

I laced my arm around Markos as we walked together, side by side. Pero nang nasa gitna na kami ng pagdiriwang ay itinago ko na ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya. He covered me with his other arm as we bridged the distance between the outside fields and the entrance. Sa ganitong paraan, hirap akong hagilapin dahil alam nilang hindi ako naglalalapit sa mga tao, mas lalo naman ang yumakap. They can only think I was just one of Markos' side chicks, and with that, we reached the halls.

"Where is he?"

"Third floor, the old working room in the west wing."

Tumango ako nang unti-unti na kaming huminto. Nasa madilim na parte kami ng hallways at walang mangangahas na papasok sa bahaging na ito dahil kailangan pa ng susi. The doors were closed but he was an exemption per my father's permission for him to work and overstay here after his classes. While me, I have the key.

Markos handed it to me, and in exchange, I gave him Beulah. Maingat niyang tinanggap ang pusa at sinasayaw-sayaw pa.

"I guess I'll take it from here."

"You sure? Should I wait?" I caught his genuine concern.

Umiling ako. I needed to breathe from here onwards. Hindi naman kasi ganito dati kaya dapat kong paghandaan. It'll be quite a long walk from here to the west wing, so it could buy me time to think, to reflect on my actions in the hopes that it might change my mind and save me from the imminent humiliation.

Though, will it change my mind?

"Thank you. You can enjoy the party."

Markos playfully narrowed his eyes. "There's always a price, Tris."

"I am keeping your secret."

He smirked. "That's what I'm talking about!"

Sabay naming tinalikuran ang isa't isa. Siya palabas, at ako ay paakyat.

The end parts of my long dress billowed as I sauntered through the dark halls of the known ancient school for the arts founded by my great great grandfather. Marami na akong narinig na mga kuwentong kababalaghan lalo na sa bahaging ito ng tinatahak na pasilyo, at lalong-lalo na sa silid na pinili niyang magpalipas para sa kanyang sining.

Yet a single bone in me acknowledged no fear for the supernatural. My mind and eyes were set on the price right there in the west wing.

Now that I thought of it, was this why he chose that room? The haunted room everyone's been terrified about. In there, he can never be disturbed. He can never be distracted, not even by a ghost, for he was never afraid of them.

He was terrified of himself, of his own phantoms, of facing his past. He never told me but I just know it. I knew him.

Or so I thought.

Because I still didn't get why he was no longer talking to me. Iyon ang hindi ko maintindihan. As much as I hated confrontations, I needed to know why this was happening to us to at least pamper my remaining sanity! I lost my wits when I realized I was being left hanging without a proper explanation! Pero kahit anong rason pa man iyan, parang hindi pa rin katanggap-tanggap kung bigla na lang umiwas at hindi naman pinangunahan ng pagpapaalam. Lalo na kung maayos naman kami bago humantong sa ganito.

And for the month that has passed, I felt... insignificant. Parang dumaan lang ako para hingan niya ng direksyon tapos ay kung nakarating na siya sa patutunguhan, nilagpasan na lang. Wala na akong halaga.

I didn't deserve that. I may not be the kindest person, but I never deserved that. I never wished anyone hell, so why should I let a man give me one?

Sino ba siya?

And excuse myself, but why was I doing this?

And why... was I already standing outside his door where he surely was working behind his next masterpiece?

I swallowed my sweet pride to have a better taste of courage when I beat my fist against the door. Not expecting the sound of permission, my own impatience pushed the door open instead and I stepped in.

I instantly breathed in the cold crisp air and realized a window on the right corner was left ajar.

The life of the party was barely heard here since the room was situated on the other side of the building, with its windows facing a dark boundless grassland.

Tiningala ko ang nag-iisang ilaw sa kisame. It's never a total darkness, but the bulb was too small for this large room that it ended up offering a meagre light. Hindi ko matukoy kung ganoon nga ba ang bombilya o baka napupundi na. Siguro dahil hindi na namimintina itong silid ay hindi na rin nag-abalang palitan ang ilaw na kulang sa liwanag. But this should be fixed since he's been working here on most nights! Bakit dito pa siya nagtiis kung may mas magandang working rooms naman?

Galing sa itaas, naabala ang paningin ko ng kalat sa ibaba. Scattered old books in the corner owned by dead people, some cobwebs on the edges and windowsills, the stench of moist wood surviving the test of time, and the whiff of a liquor spill were just some of the noticeable traces my senses have devoured before a thud almost made me scream.

Sa likod ng magkapatong na mga sirang silya sa hindi malayong kanan ko, umahon ang kanyang bulto. Siguro'y sa pagiging abala niya sa ginagawa ay hindi niya narinig ang maikling pagkatok ko at ngayo'y hindi pa nga namamalayan ang aking pagpasok.

I waited for him to realize... but good grief! Of all circumstances, ngayon pa talaga niya napiling hindi magsuot ng pang-itaas! Not that I haven't seen him shirtless before but he didn't always do that! Or maybe I just have to understand that he must be assuming he's going to be alone tonight.

I continued to observe him. Slouching, his hands were sensually moving as if he's either molding a semi-hard clay or peeling off the mud sticking at each of his fingers as he regards a dark, undivided focus at something in front and below him, a piece of art he must be working on.

Ganoon ang nakikita kong ginagawa niya, at patuloy ko siyang pinagmamasdan na tila isa siya sa ibinibidang estatwa.

A mild breeze rushed inside the open window and as if a scent was delivered right to his senses, he tensed. His head started a hesitant turn, not completely facing me, but half-turned enough to confirm that I was here.

Kung paano niya nasabing ako ito nang hindi man lang ginagamitan ng mata, hindi ko na alam. I just can tell he knew it was me when his jaw clenched.

"Pinadala mo si Markos dito kanina?"

Napakurap-kurap ako, ikinaigtad ang biglang pagsasalita niya gamit ang natural na baritono.

"What?"

So much for our first talk after a month. This was not how I would have imagined it. And definitely not the way his dark and low voice created a resonating hum in my bones, a fuel of panic in my chest.

Sa bahagyang dilim na tinatayuan niya, nagdilim pa lalo ang kanyang anyo. At mukhang kumuha pa yata ng putik at hinuhulma sa kanyang kamay nang binalikan ng tingin ang ginagawa sa harapan.

"Alam kong ikaw ang nagpadala sa kanya rito para kausapin ako," aniya sa mas madilim at mariin niyang tono.

I ignored it, and instead of backing out, this has only gassed my determination!

"And? Kinausap mo ba? Nagkausap ba kayo?"

"Nagkakausap naman talaga kami," tahimik nitong sabi at tila sa pilit na kaswalidad.

Dumiin ang tikom ng bibig ko, iniiwasang tumakas ang ingay ng marahas na paghingal. Sinasabi ko na nga ba!

"Bakit tayo hindi?"

I lost control of my weakness. Huli na para bawiin hindi man ang salita kundi ang paraan ng pagtatanong ko. He could see right through me for sure, but it still won't change his mind. He can never be swayed by just anyone except his passion and pain.

He sighed and chose to keep silent. He never stopped molding the clay in his hand, at habang nananatili pa rin ang tutok niya sa harapan ay hindi ko na alam kung ganoon pa rin ba ang buong atensyon niya.

Akala ko ay nananahimik siya dahil pinag-iisipan pa ang sasabihin sa akin. But the seconds dragged into minutes. I didn't think it's normal to keep me waiting for this long! He never had the plan to talk about this at all!

I was ashamed of myself. Mortified! But he has to kill me first before he could even have the idea of me admitting the embarrassment.

"I can see you're already working on your piece. Malapit na pala ang exhibition. Kaya siguro... abala ka at hindi na tayo nagkakausap...."

I made it sound that way instead of hinting that I was the one who was ignored. Ayaw kong isipin niya na nababaliw na ako dahil ayaw niya akong pansinin.

"How far are you with the carvings?" I continued while taking a small and slow step toward him.

Somehow, I was interested in what he has been working on. I may have craved to be always the priority all my life, but when it came to someone else's passion, just like how he was with his art, I knew I can never be one. So might as well offer to him my full support.

"Kung bumaba ako para sa party, aabutin 'to ng apat na buwan. Sa ngayon, siguro mga dalawang buwan."

Ang haba ng sinabi niya. Ngayong gabi lang ba iyan? Kung sa ibang araw ako nagtanong, sasagutin niya kaya? Papansinin niya kaya ako o balingan man lang?

And why did I expect him to add... "Dalawang buwan dahil wala nang istorbo na katulad mo." Tutal ay hindi niya na naman ako pinapansin, 'di ba?

I stopped dead on my tracks when it hit me. Was I a distraction? Kahit anong buong suporta ko pa sa pangarap niya, nakakaabala pa rin pala ako. Pero bakit ako lang?

I sighed. The heavy weight of both distress and yearning lodged in my chest.

"I won't keep you that long, then." My lips trembled as the realization overwhelmed me. "Sorry, I got lost in the room. I thought you moved to the other work room since this used to be..."

Ang haba ng explanation, Tris. Siya nga ay hindi na nag-abala. Alis na nga!

"Anyways. Have a pleasant evening," I finally said before turning my back to walk away.

Aaabutin ko na sana ang busol ng pinto para sa tuloy-tuloy na pag-alis ngunit hindi ko inasahan na mapipigilan ako ng kaunting salita niya. Kahit na hindi ito isang pagsusumamo, tumigil ako sa halip na balewalain at kalimutan na lamang dahil sa nagbabadyang kahihiyan.

Him trying to stop me with his words, asking me, meant hope. It meant his doors were finally open for this confrontation.

"Bakit ka nga ba nandito, Tris?"

Natigilan ako, suminghap, saka dahan-dahan siyang hinarap. My eyes instantly widened as he was already on the move, taking cautious but menacing strides towards me. Nagmatigas ako sa halip na umatras, nagtaas noo pa. Kilala siya na hinding-hindi ididikit ang sarili sa akin ngunit sa nahahagip kong dilim at lilok ng galit sa mukha niya, sapat nang panayuan ako ng balahibo!

He looked extremely pissed. The dark strands of hair on his forehead and his thick brows seemed to create an illusion of his perpetually brooding gaze. Bumaba ang tingin, natanto kong sinadya nitong punuin pa ng putik ang mga kamay para hindi niya ako mahawakan. As if he would hold me when he's been refusing human touch since I met him. Mabuti pa si Beulah, hinawakan niya. Hinahaplos-haplos pa!

"Tristesse..." he called with a tone that served coldness.

Napakurap-kurap akong nagbalik ng tingin sa dilim ng kanyang mukha.

Leaning my head back because of his tall height, it's as if I was looking up at the gray heavens. Para siyang nililok mula sa kidlat sa gitna ng nagdidilim na mga ulap. His low voice often reflected the sound of a rumble, or a thunder's low growl everytime it sent a subtle warning to the skies. Or a sighing growl of thunder when it finally decided to rest after bouts of explosions in the skin of the earth.

Stavros Devarona, it is. The rage of the stillness. The fruit of midnight's loin. A mayhem at rest. An old soul humming modern tunes...

My father met him when he was already a struggling artist, selling some miniature sculptures in the streets to get by and provide for his family. Marveled by his talent, Father offered him a scholarship and eventually made him his protégé. He treated him like his own even more so than he was to me. Sinunggaban naman ng lalaking ito ang pagkakataon dahil wala nga namang ama. It made sense. His father's life was claimed early when he was just eight.

The moment I first laid my eyes on him, I heard the echoes of Bach's Prelude cello suit number two in D minor. Or it was like facing the human form of an entire D-minor scale in the third octave. Beautiful but tragic. He was eternally dressed in garments of sorrow and intensity, brood and a cold autumn morning. And the intricacies surrounding an old mirror of mine reminded me of the dark curls of his hair.

The days with his presence never failed to remind me how he exudes a faint blush against pale skin. A smudge of ink from cursive writing, or a lone book on a shelf that neither even hesitated to touch, nor open.

His eyes weren't the saddest ones I have ever seen, but by the frequent glances that I stole, I caught them suffering. I even thought he's one of those tales of timeless Greek tragedies. He was never nothing but a lot of things.

He was the creeping of a storm as clouds gather to form the heap of grim.

Unti-unti akong napapapikit sa huling hakbang niya sa harap ko. No matter how near he was to me, too near or near enough, the distance never failed to birth a sensation of a hundred tiny feet running along in my veins, or a fast and countless beating in my heart to aim for an explosion.

With my closed eyes, I inhaled his scent. Cedarwoods and the taste of scotch he was, fire and dirt. I can also see him as a smoke hiss from a doused fire under an overcast drizzling sky.

And his dark eyes, a drop of ink melting but only within the bounds of his irises. But when in anger, I could see its aggressive spill. A splash that reached my depths, and there it left nothing but charcoaled grime. As if a sin embedded in one's past. One I could dare not forget as I have found no other ways how to erase it.

"Stav..." My whisper of his name trembled.

Sa hindi malamang dahilan ay inangat ko ang aking kamay nang may pag-aalangan. Just a touch, or a slight nudge. Kahit siguro kalabit lang sa dibidb niya o marahang bulong sapat para maramdaman kung gaano siya kinakabahan ngayon o kasing-kalmado tulad ng pinapakita niya.

And to witness he was this calm, I thought it's unfair! But my hope grew stemmed as I inched my palm nearer to his chest, his rapid breathing becomes more audible. Sandali ko siyang sinulyapan at nakita ang lalong pagdidilim ng kanyang anyo ngunit hindi huminto ang kamay kong lumalapit.

"Ano ang ginagawa mo? Bakit ka nandito, Tris—"

I pushed my hand to finally land on his chest but he was quick to step back, avoiding the nudge of my hand.

I stared at him in horror. Mabilis ang hininga ko, inasahan ang pag-iwas niya pero hindi ito ang magpapahinto sa akin! Humakbang ako pero umatras lang ulit siya! He wore the same cloth of impatience and dark gaze on me.

"Tris..." may banta na niyang tawag sa akin.

Umiling ako. "I just need to know why, Stav."

Damn it. I swallowed to smother my remaining shame. Sinabi ko nang hindi ko siya bibigyan ng kahit na anong bakas na nanghihingi pa rin ako ng paliwanag niya. Ano 'to ngayon, Tristesse!

"May mali ba akong ginawa sa 'yo? We had worst arguments before! The last one we had was easier to handle. Pero bakit parang... iyon pa yata ang pinakamalala?" Hindi ko inasahan ang bigong tumakas sa aking tono.

"Gaano ba kalaking bagay ito sa 'yo para hingan mo ng paliwanag?" He looked confused, or rather torn.

"And why not? Does it hurt you so bad? Is it because of the insult? I've already used the worst ones, Stavros, so why would this upset you?"

I breathed fast. I was trying so hard not to yell just to hide how angry and upset I was. Pero sa nag-uumapaw na kabiguan ay nakakalimutan ko nang amuin ang sariling bugso ng damdamin.

I used to easily control myself, tame my anger. Ngayon ay parang may nasirang enggranahe sa akin para mawalan ako ng kontrol sa mga iniingatan ko!

This was probably a punishment for me. To suffer this way, I never thought longing could be a likely aspirant to replace hell! The longing for something uncertain, of something you haven't seen or heard of. Longing as a punishment and longing for what is yet to unfold.

"Hindi kailanman sumama ang loob ko sa away natin o kahit sa 'yo, Tristesse."

I shook my head. The calming of his tone never moved me. Hindi iyan ang hinihingi kong paliwanag. Alam niya iyon!

"Bakit mo ako iniiwasan?" matapang kong tanong, deretsong tumitig sa kadiliman ng mga mata niya.

He met the storm in my gaze, and here we were, about to be a brewing hurricane.

"Is there something wrong with me, hm?" dagdag paghahamon ko.

I wanted to poke the lone wolf. Trigger his anger until he screamed at me in the name of being honest!

Gumalaw ang panga niya sa lalong dumidiin na titig sa akin. As if pinning me that hard gaze was already enough for me to read the bold pages in his mind.

"May mali sa atin...?" Nanghina ang boses ko.

Lalo akong naparalisa sa pagbaba ng tingin niya.

But despite the weakness, my heart pounded fast. I made it my cane to advance my steps and attempt another landing of my hand in his chest, and then again, he took a larger step back.

I growled, on the verge of screaming in hysterics. Sa pag-aapoy ng galit ko ay hindi ko na napigilan ay sumugod ako para itulak siya nang malakas na hindi niya na nagawang umiwas.

"Fine!" Muling tulak ko sa kanya dahilan ng muntik niyang pagkakatumba.

He failed to conceal his shock. Nanginginig sa galit ang mga mata sa labis na gulat dahil sa ginawa ko. And who could ever think this poor, brooding man I knew was capable of blushing from extreme anger!

"Ito ang gusto mo? Fine! You will never see me again, Stavros. Never! At sa oras na hahanap-hanapin mo ako ay magmumukha ka lang bulag sa kakakapa ng paningin mo sa 'kin dahil hinding-hindi mo na ako makikita! Hinding-hindi na ako magpapakita sa 'yo!" sigaw ko.

His brows furrowed deeper, absorbing my last words to him. Staring straight into his now bloodshot eyes, I could hear the roars of a thousand words inside his mind, in his quivering lips, in the clenching of his jaw, the chosen unsaid words screaming to escape, but he's just so good at caging them all to himself.

"Hindi iyan ang gusto kong mangyari."

Sa nakikita kong pinipigilang takas ng galit o anumang bayolenteng emosyon niya ay nagawa pa niyang maging marahan sa pananalita.

"E, ano? You just needed that one forced apology from me? At kung gagawin ko iyon, gaano ka kasigurado na hindi ko na ulit iyon gagawin? You can't change me, Stavros. I can't be changed!"

I never thought it takes a great deal of pain for us to learn the hard way. To finally experience what being hit by a realization felt like. It was the same force when I hit hard against the floor after five attempts of Grand Jete. Hit hard against my chest when I lost that piano competition, which forced my father to ship me here amidst my deafening protest.

Much to my distaste, but would this same beat and punch hit me with the same depth and severity once I can finally touch him before he fed me farewell now that I was riding at the beginnings of it?

I chuckled in dead humor. Lumakas pa ang tawa para pigilan ang bagsak ng luha.

"Well, I guess this is the problem, huh? We wanted to change each other. I want you to be the man you never wanted to be, and you wanted me to be someone I can never be because this is what I am, while who you are right now is the kind of man you chose to live with."

"Wala akong sinabi na magbago ka, Tris."

"Well then, do you like me? Or do you hate me more?"

Kumunot ang noo niya, walang bahid ng kahit anumang pandidiri o aliw sa paratang ko pero parang mas nainsulto pa ako sa reaksyon niya. Did that mean no, he didn't like me? No, he didn't hate me?

Lalo ko lang pinapahiya ang sarili ko. But most of it, I was hurt. Deeply hurt. I was not the kind to bury myself in any means of agony as I always caught myself and did things all over again. But this... this paralyzed me.

"I hate you..."

He flinched as if I crumpled those words and carved them into the stone then I threw it at his face.

I hated it that Markos was right all along.

"I hate that I can't stop thinking about you, so I hate you! I hate you, Stavros Devarona! I hate you!" I screamed at him.

It took everything in me to keep my tears at bay, but they're starting to blur my vision. My vision of him bleared while he just stood there, watching me devastated into pieces.

Masaya bang saktan ang isang Tristesse Adara? It must be satisfying to hurt the likes of me, huh.

"You will never see me again, Stavros." I coated my last words with ice.

I left him. I walked out of the room with the hounds of sadness on my trail.