"It's okay, Haiz" Lucas smiled fondly at him. "And yes, really. I will be there to support you every step of the way. Anyway, was work treating you well today?".

"As good as possible. I still hate it. Chris was only talking about that movie he's gonna watch today with his girlfriend. Who am I to bloody care about that? Why is he still trying?" Hayden reported exaggeratedly.

"Just ignore him. He's not worth your time" Lucas advised him, feeling like he could risk it now. "That reminds me, Kim and Mabel wanna go and watch a movie with me this Sunday and asked me if I know someone who'd like to tag along. And ... um ... I was ... thinking maybe you could ... you know ...".

"Me?" Hayden pointed at himself in shock, Lucas only nodded. "Wow, yeah. Sure. I'd love to".

"Why do you sound so surprised though? Or do you not want to and you're just trying not to hurt my feelings?"Lucas frowned anxiously.

"Don't even think that, Lu" Hayden stepped closer to him, putting his hands on Lucas' upper arms. Everything was tingling like crazy. "I would love to go with you and the girls. I was just pretty overwhelmed that you wanted me to join you instead of maybe James or Nathan. I guess, they probably don't have time, mh?".

"No idea. I didn't ask them. My first impulse was to ask you. Only you and not James or anyone else" Lucas locked eyes with him, being scarily honest right now.

"Then I'm honoured to go to the movies with you, Lu" Hayden smiled with his whole face down at him.

"And the girls" Lucas reminded him laughingly.

"And them" Hayden chuckled adorably.

Taking his fingers off of the keyboard, Louis paused to think how to continue from here on, needing a good way to end the chapter. After a few more moments of just staring at the cursor, he sighed and decided to just let their conversation make a very obvious turn into safer territory because his characters weren't ready to finally address what's been there for weeks. They weren't ready to jump and Louis respected that. They needed more time.

Typing out the last sentences of the chapter, he felt a certain kind of satisfaction that he only got from writing. It only ever happened when he finished a chapter and was happy with it as much as he was capable of. This story in particular has been a bit challenging so far and he was over the moon that he was getting somewhere. It dealt with a topic that he hadn't been sure he could do without triggering himself in the process. This story was diving into the entertainment industry, not football but dance. Something equally as brutal, if not worse. His character's story was definitely worse than his own and he felt kinda bad for putting Lucas through all this but he wouldn't change a thing.

Closing his laptop, Louis opened his notebook to read over his notes for the next few chapters. It would get worse before it could finally get better, only for him to ruin things again but differently than he's done before and he wasn't sure if he could pull it off. As happy as he was with today's chapter, he was still struggling with the main characters' romantic and sexual dynamics. This story was different in so many ways and it was making it hard for him to find a way to make it feel natural. He needed it to feel authentic and realistic but he felt like Hayden had more power over Lucas than the other way around, which wasn't the case but it felt like it.

Also closing his notebook, Louis turned the music louder that he had been listening to in the back, needing to give his brain a break. It was a band called Against the Current, one of his two favourite bands. Their song Silent Stranger just came on and it made him close his eyes, loving the song and feeling so bloody addressed by the words. Most of his life had been a lie he had brought to life on his own and now he had trouble with not faking his feelings and just being who he truly was. Like a coward, he's been hiding his face. He needed to change that but just didn't know how.

So far, he was still just pretending. For an entire month, he's been pretending that he didn't still miss Harry. For an entire month, he's been pretending to be okay. For an entire month, he's been pretending to sleep fine. But it was all a big ass lie. For an entire month, he's been having dreams about green eyes and chocolate brown curls. For an entire month, he's been missing to stop by the bakery to see Harry and just talk about nothing. For an entire month, he's not been okay. For an entire month, he's been longing to kiss him again and have him close but he couldn't. They were super over and he knew that, for a fact.

One time, he's been weak. He's been back outside the bakery only to see them together. It had been the Monday after his stay in the hospital, a very weak day. With regret and longing pumping through his veins, he had made his way over only to leave with a different kind of regret boiling inside of him. Through the lit-up window, Louis had been able to see Harry with Phil. They've been sat at a table, sharing some cake with huge smiles on their faces. It had been a punch to the gut but not unexpected. He had known that they'd be back together in an instant. It still hurt.

Turning the music off because it was only worsening his mental state, Louis called for Alexa and got them ready for a quick walk through the neighbourhood. The cold March air was helping to clear his head off of any images he didn't want any longer. With his head not in the clouds for once, they finished their round a lot quicker than expected. Back home, Louis fed her before going upstairs to change his clothes, set to meet up with Luke in a bit.

When he was done, he pulled out his phone to check the time, seeing that he had a new text from Àmbar. Smiling down at the screen, he typed out a quick reply before going downstairs to put on his shoes and a coat. After cutting ties with Harry, Louis didn't expect Àmbar to actually stick around and become a real friend of his but she did. They texted almost daily and kept each other updated on their writing process. They just understood each other so well that they barely needed any words and Louis was grateful to have her in his corner, even if she was still technically also in Harry's corner but she never mentioned him when they were together. He was a topic they avoided talking about but other than that, they talked about everything, which was really nice and refreshing to have someone get him like this. Especially if this someone was the person your best friend was crushing on. He was definitely rooting for them. They'd be perfect together.

Leaving the house, Louis got in the car he barely used and made his way into town. Normally, he loved to go everywhere on foot but the city centre was a bit too far away to get there by foot, so he had to drive. It made him realise that he barely left his part of town because he had everything here that he needed. His little grocery stores bakeries and doctors, the park and the forest. And if he needed clothes, he tended to just order them online just like any other stuff he couldn't buy in his little safe haven. The busy city centre wasn't his favourite place to be but it was tolerable.

When he tried to find a good parking spot, Louis started hating the city again. Parking was always a nightmare, especially in the early afternoon. After what felt like hours, he finally found a spot close enough to walk the rest of the way to their meeting point. From the distance, he could already spot Luke in front of the café they both loved. Feeling happiness spread through him at the sight of his friend, he quickened his pace to reach him faster.

"Hey, sorry I'm a bit late. Parking was hell" Louis made himself noticed, earning a beaming smile from Luke.

"I'm just happy to see you, Tommo" Luke pulled him into a hug, squeezing the life out of him. "How are you, mate?".

"Splendid. You?" Louis replied automatically, a habit by now.

"Brilliant, actually. I just feel good today, can't explain it" Luke was radiating so much happiness. It was addictive. "In?".

"After you" Louis bowed down dramatically to let Luke walk in first because he was that much of an idiot.

"Haven't changed a bit" Luke only chuckled at his antics.

"Never" Louis followed him inside with a broad grin.

Choosing a spot in the back by a big window, they sat down after ordering their drinks; hot chocolate and tea like always. Getting comfortable, he sipped on his cup, feeling the heat seeping into his bones. Ironically, Luke was doing exactly the same, which made Louis smile to himself. Friends for years indeed.

"So, how's work treating you?" Louis started a conversation to stop them from just enjoying their drinks in comfortable silence.

"As well as it can, I guess" Luke grinned at him over the rim of his cup of tea. "I actually have a lot of footie injuries lately. Makes me think of you a lot".

"Wow, thanks" Louis snorted teasingly. "But how come?".

"I'm not sure. I'm as surprised as I was all these years ago when you chose me as your physiotherapist instead of your team's specialist" Luke replied nonchalantly, being literally the only one who could bring this up so casually without triggering Louis with the topic at hand. "But they're all amateurs and no professionals".

"Ah, that makes a lot more sense" Louis responded casually.

"Doesn't it?" Luke chuckled sweetly. "Mainly badly sprained ankles or damaged knees or dislocated shoulders. Nothing I'm not used to but it's still gotten a lot more, which is odd".

"A bit, yeah" Louis scrunched up his forehead in bewilderment.

"I got it covered" Luke assured him smilingly. "What about you? You mentioned a new book that you're working on. How's that going? Still stuck or unstuck?".

"Unstuck, thanks. I'm getting somewhere" Louis snorted at his choice of words and Luke only waited patiently for him to tell him whatever he was ready to share. "I switched point of views by now and it was a good decision to extend the characters and it made things a little less obvious but ... I'm still not sure how to get them from awkwardly dancing around each other to actually date".

"Ah, the same old problem" Luke clicked with his tongue like some sort of expert. "What's the main issue?".

"They're both kind of in denial?" Louis meant to answer surely but he ended up sounding way more questioning than he wanted. "They had a rough start and then became friends but one of them is dealing with a very bad past and the other isn't a relationship kind of person. They both keep saying that they're just friends but it's obvious they're not and they both know it. They just can't say it and I don't know why. What could make them break?".

"Jealousy?" Luke offered an idea but Louis just grimaced at the thought of having to write that. Jealousy wasn't always the sole solution for hidden feelings. "Loss? Or just a simple misunderstanding?".

"In which way?" Louis tilted his head aside in curiosity.

"Maybe they're alone and talk about something that could mean more than one thing but they both think about different things and someone ends up slipping up and it's just out in the open" Luke expanded his idea a bit further, sounding thoughtful.

"Isn't that too easy? Too boring?" Louis wondered intrigued.

"Not if done right and I know you can do it" Luke nudged his foot under the table. "Besides, it might be a better and sweeter idea than loss, especially when you already have heavy topics".

"Yeah, death shouldn't be added to this loaded mix" Louis knew it would be too much for one story. Maybe another one. "I'll think about it. Thanks, Lee".

"Always at your service, Tommo" Luke winked at him. "Has your knee given you any trouble lately?".

"No, it's been fine. I shouldn't run a marathon but ..." Louis trailed off cheekily, knowing he didn't need to say more.

"You better not or I'll smash your other knee myself to stop you from ever running again" Luke threatened him emptily.

"Threatening your clients now? How low someone can sink" he cackled mockingly, feeling as light-hearted as he hasn't in a while.

"Technically, you're not my client anymore, so ..." Luke pointed out totally unimpressed, too used to Louis' antics by now.

"Details" Louis waved him off exaggeratedly. "By the way, can we actually go into the city? I wanted to take a look around in hopes I might find a gift for Sean already".

"His birthday is in over a month" Luke dead-panned unchanged.

"I know that, you knothead" Louis kicked his leg under the table. "I still wanna look because it's always hard to find anything for him and I really don't wanna order something again. Not this time".

"Then we have a new mission, I guess" Luke hooked his foot over Louis'feet. "Unexpected".

"You make it sound like I'm some caveman, who's never leaving the house" Louis pouted over-dramatically.

"Well ...".

"Ey!".

"Okay, okay" Luke surrendered immediately. "Maybe you're not some hermit but you hate the city centre. That's just a fact".

"I do, yeah. But sadly I don't have all these shops in my part of town. Not like this" Louis wasn't about to deny the obvious.

"Me neither, even all the way on the other side of town" Luke knew what he meant. Southley and Northernley were both good the way they were but they weren't the city centre. "A lad shopping spree has never hurt anyone. Could be fun. I might get a gift too".

"For yourself, I presume" Louis smirked maliciously.

"Oh, piss off".

Finishing up their drinks, they left the café and headed into town to look for Sean's gifts, which was definitely easier said than done. For over an hour, they went through various shops but didn't find anything that felt right. Racking his brain for an idea, Louis thought about Sean, who had an impeccable taste but also very unique. It was never an easy task to buy him anything.

Oddly enough, he stumbled across various things that caught his eye but they never screamed Sean. No, these things always reminded him of someone else. Someone way more delicate and sweet and kind and lovely with the prettiest eyes and the cutest dimples and a big heart. A heart that wasn't beating for him. He needed to remind himself of that instead of daydreaming foolishly.

Due to all the stupid daydreaming, Louis almost crashed right into the chest of some guy when he left another shop empty-handed. Coming to an abrupt halt to stop them from colliding, he bumped into Luke right behind him, which was still better than offending a stranger. But as he looked at the man in front of him, his heart stuttered for a second at being face-to-face with Niall.

"Louis, hey" Niall greeted him in surprise, a bit tense.

"Hi," Louis waved awkwardly at him, not sure how to act around him. He had no idea where they stood nowadays.

"Fancy seeing you here. You're out shopping?" Niall seemed to decide that Smalltalk was the right way to approach this.

"Yeah, we're looking for a birthday gift for a friend" Louis pointed with his head at Luke, who was still standing behind him. "You?".

"It's my day off, as you know. I'm just trying to find a new jacket but so far, I've been unsuccessful" Niall let them know casually.

"Same here" Louis needed to get a fucking grip. The simple mention of Louis having to know that Niall had Saturdays off brought him right back to Harry. How has an entire month not been enough to get over him yet? They hadn't been anything and Louis had wanted to cut all ties because everything else would've just hurt even more but without him around, Louis still kept thinking about him all the bloody time. He missed him terribly.

"I'm Luke, by the way," Luke decided to step in, reaching his hand out for Niall to shake. "How do you know each other?".

"Um ..." Louis had no idea how to answer that without breaking down in the middle of town, which would just be pathetic.

"I work at the bakery he used to visit" Niall answered for both of them, bypassing the elephant in the room. "Haven't seen him in a while though".

Hearing that, Louis looked down at the pavement, which Luke obviously noted immediately and chose to leave uncommented. Instead, he was being friendly to Niall, giving Louis the time to collect himself. "He's been busy with work lately, loaded really. I barely managed to get a hold of him. So, you're a baker?".

"Yeah, I am".

Their voices faded into the background when Louis' thoughts grew louder, bugging him with memories of Harry. It was funny how this time apart had almost erased all the negative memories and had only left him with the bittersweet ones. Cruel irony.

Hearing Niall talk about the bakery pushed him back down memory lane but he didn't want it. This emotional roller-coaster was too much for him. To save his own heart from completely shattering, Louis crept a few steps away from them, not wanting his longing thoughts to drag him down even more.

Even to his own ears, he sounded bloody over-dramatic and he hated how well he could play the sole victim in his head when it was he who'd been making the bed all along. He had chosen to let Harry in, to tell him his story and give him another chance. He had actively chosen to ignore his worries and fears and doubts. He had chosen to sleep with him and he had chosen to go to the bakery against his better judgment. He had also chosen to speak up when it hadn't been his place to say anything. It was his own fault that his last memory of Harry was a bad one. He could've remembered him as someone entirely good but now there was a constant shadow looming over the memory of him. A shadow that wasn't big and dark enough to cover up Louis' true feelings. Under different circumstances, in another world, he'd still want him.

"Hey, are you alright?" Luke touched his shoulder lightly, tearing him out of his self-deprecating thoughts, Niall right behind him.

"I'm fine. Just a lot on my mind" Louis smiled weakly at his friend, knowing full well he wasn't buying his lies. Niall didn't seem to either, judging by his face. "I'll be alright".

"We thought about getting a drink all together. Would you be up for it, Tommo?" Luke's eyes were clearly saying that it'd be okay if he just wanted to go home, which he wanted. Reality sucked.

"I ..." His ringing phone cut him off before he could say anything. Glancing at the screen, he frowned. "It's my Mum".

"Take it. I'm in great company" Luke motioned for him to answer the call, taking a step to the side with Niall, who was blushing.

Deciding against deciphering what the fuck that meant, Louis answered his mother's call. "Hey, Mum. What's up?".

"Louis, I have bad news. Are you ... are you in a place where I can tell you?" his mother's voice sent ice-cold shivers down his spine. She sounded heartbroken, which was a bad sign.

"You can tell me. What happened?" Louis swallowed heavily, his heartbeat picking up drastically. "Mum?".

"We just got a call from the hospital and ..." Jasmine sniffed very shaken, making his throat close up. "Your father just died".

And just like that, everything around him stopped and his heart shattered into a million pieces. Her words were ringing in his ears like a shrill sound but at the same time, he wasn't hearing a thing. Tears were stinging in his eyes but he willed them away. Crying in town was not an option. Not for him.

"How?" Louis brought out shakily, alarming Luke and Niall now.

"His doctor said he's had cancer for a few years and lost the fight earlier" Jasmine was hearably crying by now. "I didn't know".

"Me neither" Louis let the information sink in, his friend eyeing him worriedly. "I ... That's why he's been trying to make amends".

"Maybe" Jasmine took a deep breath. "I know you've just been on good terms with him recently. I had to let you know directly".

"Thanks" Louis croaked out, the emotions washing over him now in tidal waves. "I guess ... I'll need a minute, yeah?".

"Of course, Buttercup" Jasmine understood that he needed a bit of time to digest what happened. "But please, don't suppress your feelings, okay? Talk to me when you're ready".

"I will. Love you, Mum" Louis had to tell her before hanging up, taking a deep breath to stop himself from crying. "I need to go home. I can't ... I should go home".

"Of course, Louis" Luke picked up on the suppressed tears in his voice. "But what happened? Are you okay?".

"My ... my father ... he ..." Louis couldn't bring himself to say it but Luke and Niall got it anyway. "Cancer. I didn't know".

"I'm so sorry, Louis" Luke smiled empathetically at him. "Let's get you home, yeah? I'll drive".

"Okay," Louis wasn't complaining. Driving would be a bad idea.

"Niall, I'm sorry. We have to bail on y ...".

"It's absolutely alright. Get him home. We'll catch up another time and get a drink, mh?" Niall's face reflected lots of sympathy. "Get him home safely".

"I'll text you".

Not even questioning when they had exchanged numbers and why they wanted to see each other again after this short and very fleeting encounter, Louis just blindly followed Luke after telling him where he had parked his car. During the drive home, no one said a word. Louis didn't know what to say, so he just stared out the window and forced himself not to cry just yet. He would let his emotions out as soon as he was home.

"Do you need anything?" Luke asked him hesitantly when they had reached his front door.

"Just a hug before you go" Louis felt too sad to care about being needy. He needed something to hold onto for a moment.

"Always" Luke pulled him into his arms as tightly as possible. "I can stay, if you want. Give you all the hugs you want".

"Thanks but I wanna be alone for a bit. Let it sink in before ... you know, having to talk about it" Louis declined the offer, needing to be alone for now. Talking wasn't an option.

"Whatever you need" Luke smiled at him understandingly but there was worry peeking through. He just knew too much.

"Time alone, to cry and be sad and curse the world. Distraction can follow later" Louis replied even though he didn't have to.

"Okay," Luke accepted that easily. "Hold on".

With that, he left and closed the door behind him, shrouding Louis in the darkness and quiet of his home. Shuddering out a wet sigh, Louis headed for the kitchen to grab his vodka. Opening it with a bit of effort, Louis took a huge sip, the liquid burning in his throat but he didn't care. He needed this right now. There weren't many times when he got drunk but today felt like the right time. Taking another sip, Louis bypassed Alexa and flopped down by the bay window, ignoring the empty promises he had indirectly made to not drown his feelings. He sucked at dealing with them.

Unlocking his phone, Louis scrolled through his gallery app and found the last pictures he had of his biological father. Travis had pissed off shortly after he's been born and Louis had hated him for leaving his mother alone almost his entire life. But then he had shown up again out of nowhere, like someone else he knew, and asked for a chance to make up for past mistakes. He had wanted to be a part of Louis' new life and now Louis knew why. Of course, Travis hadn't mentioned that he's been sick, why would he.

Although he hadn't been too keen to see him again, Louis had given him the chance to prove if he was being genuine because he believed in second chances and it had been worth it. They had gotten along and Travis had really tried to make amends as best as he could. It hasn't been anywhere near perfect but it has been something and now it was gone. Now he was gone and Louis felt like something was broken. Something inside of him was broken now. In the dumps, he was free-falling without his gravity.

Letting his tears fall freely, Louis cried his heart out, clutching his phone to his chest. Getting another glimpse of his father's photo, he got uncontrollably angry out of the sudden. "Why didn't you bloody tell me you were dying?!".

Knowing he must look crazy from the outside screaming quite literally at his father's ghost, Louis shut off his phone and threw it to the side. With tears streaming down his face, he stumbled back into the kitchen to get more alcohol, already feeling the numbing buzz of the vodka in his veins. Sadness and anger were never a good mix and Louis wanted to silence both of these feelings with alcohol, so he downed the rest of the vodka bottle as if it were water and opened a second bottle because life really bloody sucked, drowning his feelings.

"Fuck you for leaving me like this. I've just gotten you back".