"And have you seen Luke lately?" Paul asked him while sipping on his cup of coffee.

"Not in weeks but he insists on checking on my ankle again for some reason" Louis answered him honestly, knowing full well it could lead to more questions or lectures about his health.

"Probably because he knows you well and is worried that you might hurt yourself and won't tell anyone" Paul cocked an eyebrow at him pointedly, making Louis groan. "Just the truth and you know it, Louis. He's seen you through your entire recovery and knows how you downplay physical pain. He's just being a good friend".

"I know" Louis sighed into his cup of tea, his mind wandering back to all the years of knowing Luke, who's been his personal physiotherapist after his grave injury. Somehow, they had become friends through it and that friendship remained to this day.

"Anything we should be worried about? Your ankle giving you a hard time?" Paul checked when he deemed it safe to ask him.

"Just a bit sore lately, nothing too bad. I swear" Louis told him truthfully, twisting his ankle around a bit to prove his point. "And my main injury has been my knee anyway. There's no reason to be worried about my ankles now".

"It's been a bit more than just your knee and you know it" Paul wasn't up for his bullshit, knowing all about his history.

"Whatever" Louis put his cup down on the living room table. "Tell me more about that trip to Italy".

"Well, after flying over for a weekend, we decided to spend our next vacation there to spend a bit more time with Maria's family and make sure her sister's alright" Paul divulged to him casually but Louis could see that he was worried deep down.

Maria's sister had been diagnosed with cancer out of nowhere a couple of weeks ago and they had flown down to Italy the next possible weekend to help her out with some things. The entire time, Louis had been worried with and for them. He had met her only twice in the time he had known Maria but they had gotten along great and he wanted her sister to be fine. Cancer was one evil bitch and Louis wished it wouldn't exist. Life wasn't fair.

"But don't worry. We'll make sure you won't starve while we're gone" Paul added jokingly to lighten the mood.

"Not sure how you're gonna do that," Louis thought back to his last attempt at cooking anything edible. It has been a disaster.

"Prepare meals for a week and leave you to deal with yourself for week two" Paul made fun of him now but if it was helping to distract him, Louis was happy to be the butt of the joke for now. "You could always just order in or live off of frozen pizza".

"I've done that before Maria saved me. She won't be happy with me going back to that lifestyle" Louis cringed at the memory of his barely legal self trying to survive on his own after being signed and whisked away from his home, totally unprepared to be an adult and look after himself all alone. After two overwhelmingly successful years, he had been able to afford this house and hire Maria, who had been a heaven-sent gift for his health and life.

"It'll be fine for a week or two" Paul waved him off unfazed. "You could also just visit your mother more often to get fed or your sisters or you know, eat somewhere else. Or ask Aria".

"You're making me sound like a baby" Louis huffed offended.

"I'm not the one who can't cook to save his life. No one is scared I'll set the kitchen on fire in their absence" Paul mocked him freely, visibly enjoying himself a bit too much for Louis' liking now.

"I hate you" Louis glared at him but then thought of something. "When did you plan on leaving? Beth's still in school, right?".

"Obviously" Paul rolled his eyes at him as if he were stupid. "We won't leave until she's got her next break, which will be ... um ... I seriously have no idea. Ask Maria, she knows better".

"Shocker" Louis gasped fakely. "How's school going for her?".

"Fine. She actually really likes it so far and made some friends. Her teachers only talk good about her and she's never been happier. Let's see for how long it will last" Paul shared with him proudly, making Louis smile at his words. Bethany was such a great girl and only deserved the world.

"My sisters started hating school around third grade but they're horrible, so maybe Beth will keep loving it. Who knows?!" Louis tried to be positive but from experience he could sadly tell that almost everyone despised school at one point.

"She's very eager to learn, a bit inquisitive and cheeky at times but I hope it'll never change. She's just so intelligent already and I only want the best for her. I'm positive she could do anything" Paul sounded unusually emotional, his voice wavering a bit.

"And she'll conquer the world. I'm sure of it" Louis understood where his mind was coming from, so he chose to change the topic because every time they thought about her biological family, they wanted to murder someone. "Where are they anyway? Didn't they only want to wash her hands? Did they fall into the loo?".

"Not as unlikely as it sounds" Paul smiled gratefully at him, exactly knowing what he was doing. "While we're still alone, tell me how Sean's doing. Don't think you've mentioned him in ages".

"Not on purpose, he's just that unimportant" Louis pulled a funny face to make Paul laugh and loosen up again. "But he's doing fine. Work's been great and his team is excelling at everything".

"Which was to be expected. He's a great coach" Paul stated the obvious proudly. "Luck with love yet?".

"Not as far as I know but he's mentioned some other coach named Sam, who he's been hanging out with a lot and knowing Sean, he sounded quite smitten and might go for it" Louis let him know, remembering their last phone call. "But he hasn't said anything about it, so I don't know for sure. I just hope he'll take his chances because he's been quite down after Lucy, for years".

"Maybe he's just hesitant and careful because he hasn't been with a guy before and technically he's still in the business. Not sure how free he is as a coach to love who he wants" Paul pointed out apprehensively. That was something Louis hadn't thought about yet, if he was being honest.

"I don't know that either. We don't really talk about that kind of stuff because he knows how the mere thought still triggers me sometimes. We keep it as superficial as possible without me being too uninterested in his life" Louis confessed shamefully, feeling bad for purposely ignoring one major part of his friend's life just because his past hasn't been easy and he still couldn't handle it.

"You're not a bad friend for not talking about the details of his work as a bloody football coach, Louis" Paul detected his self-deprecating thoughts immediately. "He knows what you went through and fully understands that you want as much distance between you and that world as possible. It's not wrong".

"Even if it means that I don't know if my friend is being closeted and isn't telling me because he thinks it might trigger me? Even if I make that part of his life about me like some self-centred prick?" Louis felt like the worst friend on the planet for never asking about it only because it reminded him of his closeting and Beth's origins.

"You are not self-centred, Louis. Far from it, you hear me? You and I both know you've done enough to prove that and not being ready to talk about a highly triggering topic doesn't make you a prick" Paul lectured him in the softest voice known to man, making him tear up stupidly. "Sean would say something if he needed to".

"But ...".

"I don't wanna hear it" Paul didn't let him speak. "I don't like it when you put yourself down like this. I wish you could see how amazing you are and how selfless and kind you are. Everyone knows that, Louis. You deserve the peace at any cost".

"I love you, Paul" Louis just had to tell him.

"I love you too, Louis" Paul hugged him tightly. "Don't ever let anyone put you down for who you are, okay? Stand up for what you want and what makes you happy. Don't let people walk all over you and kick them out of your life if they don't treat you right, okay? You only deserve the best. Protect your heart at all costs".

"Sean is not treating me wrong though" Louis mumbled into his shoulder, knowing full well he wasn't talking about Sean anymore.

"I know" Paul put some distance between them but left one hand on his shoulder and the other was touching his cheek. "Choose your own happiness over anyone who doesn't know how to really cherish you, yeah? You're good the way you are".

"Did I miss something?" Maria stood suddenly in the room with Bethany by her side, breaking them out of their moment. "Should I be jealous? Are you trying to steal my man, Tomlinson?".

"You noticed that pretty late, Anderson" Louis played along in an instant, sending Paul an all-saying look, grateful for his words.

"Louis is just irresistible. What can I say?" Paul settled back into the couch as if nothing ever happened. "Look at that face".

"Fair enough" Maria agreed way too quickly.

"I feel highly objectified over here" Louis pointed at himself over-dramatically but he was bluntly ignored. "Wonderful".

"Oi, shut it, you drama queen" Paul pushed him aside, making him fall back onto the couch, which earned him a round of giggles.

"You can keep him. He's mean" Louis stayed where he was but still tried to catch Maria's eyes to underline his words. She only laughed at him and walked past him with Bethany to join Paul's side. "On second thought, you are all mean. I don't like you".

"What about me?" Bethany made big eyes at him.

"You are lovely and I love you very much. More than these two or anyone else in this world" Louis opened his arms right in time for her to jump onto his chest right where he was still lying down.

"I love you too, Loulou" Bethany cuddled up to him.

"Isn't that adorable?" Maria snapped a picture of them.

"We're always adorable" Louis tightened his arms around her.

"Debatable on your part" Paul remarked sassily.

"Didn't you just say that you love me? Where did that love go? That was a quick love story" Louis regretted his own words in an instant because they reminded him of green eyes and pretty curls.

"Maria's my true love, sorry" Paul replied but the sass and cheek were gone from his voice. He sounded a lot more cautious now.

"Then I'll be your true love, Loulou. Can I?" Bethany saved the moment with her childlike innocence.

"Of course, Love" Louis pressed a kiss into her messy hair, feeling his chest tighten painfully. "You'll always be my true love".

"Good" Bethany beamed happily at him. "I'm the only one".

"The only one" Louis confirmed with a heavy heart.

"How's the true love looking in your new book?" Maria led them perfectly into a new topic. "Found a way to make it work yet?".

"Maybe. I'm just happy that I have an idea, even if I'm still struggling with bringing it to life" Louis retorted vaguely, his new story not even close to being anything of importance just yet. So far, it was only a basic idea and a backstory for Lucas.

"I'm sure it'll be great as soon as you get out of your head a bit and just let the story flow. Let the characters take you on a new ride and see what happens" Maria advised him wisely.

"I'll do that. Thanks".

For something about an hour, they chatted about everything they could think of but then it was time for them to leave. Bethany was getting tired and they still needed to eat dinner, preferably at home because they'd have an early morning. After saying goodbye to them, Louis put on some of his favourite music; Lost Secrets; and started to clean the living room. In her young enthusiasm, Bethany had knocked over some dirty water from her watercolours earlier, all while making a mess with Alexa's toys all over the floor. He loved her deeply but she could definitely drive him crazy, which sounded a lot like him as a child if someone would ask his mother. That thought made him smile to himself while picking up toys.

In the distance behind him, he could hear his front door open again, the lock not being as quiet as Louis would like it to be and keys jingling. Confusedly, Louis headed for his door. "Did you forget something or why are you ...?".

The words died in his throat when he saw Harry lingering by his front door, not Maria or Paul. Haltering in his steps, Louis was definitely staring at him but he didn't care right now. He was the last person Louis had expected to see, especially not in his house at dinner time unannounced, looking tense and jumpy.

"Hi," Harry brought out almost too quietly.

"What are you doing here? Who let you in? How did you ...?".

"I ran into Maria and she opened the door for me after I told her that I really wanted to talk to you" Harry explained how he had managed to just appear in his house without being invited in.

"Ah," Louis had no idea what else to say, not ready for this kind of conversation. "You wanna stay there or come in properly?".

"I wasn't sure if you'd want me ...".

"You said you wanna talk and I'm not keen on doing that at my door" Louis cut him off, wanting to speed up the process of him getting hurt and dumped for real now. "So, come on".

While Harry took off his coat and shoes, Louis walked back into the living room to collect the rubbish he had wanted to get rid of before being kicked in the face by the universe all over again. Taking the rubbish into the kitchen, Louis took a deep breath to prepare himself for what was about to come. He had known that Harry had chosen Phil from the moment he had shown up in his flat but he had been spared of an actual conversation. Until now. In a minute, Harry would hit him with the 'it's me, not you' talk he's never had and he could cross that off the list of things he still had to experience. At least something.

Heading back into his living room, Alexa was happily greeting Harry, who looked awfully hesitant to pet her at the moment. It wasn't sitting right with him but his throat was too dry to talk and his brain was still wondering if this was actually happening or if he was having a nightmare, again. Slowly, he made his way over to the couch and sat down but with enough distance between them to make this easier. He didn't want to get too close for comfort.

"Thank you for not kicking me out" Harry broke the tense silence between them. "I wasn't sure if you'd let me talk".

"I think I deserve something other than silence, so ..." Louis clicked with his tongue, trailing off bitterly.

"I'm sorry. I should've called or texted instead of going radio silent and making it look as if I ghosted you, which ...".

"You did? I know" Louis balled his hands into fists on his lap, digging his nails into his palms to feel something.

"I didn't mean to, not really. I was just ... My head's been all over the place and I didn't know what to do. I've never been so torn before and I didn't handle it very well" Harry justified his actions but Louis really didn't wanna hear it. All lies anyway.

"Not really, no. But you're here now, so just say what you have to say. There's no need to drag this out longer than it has to ...".

"I received your gift" Harry talked over him hastily and that definitely wasn't what Louis had expected him to say, making him tense up in a totally different way. "Àmbar gave it to me and I was so confused but you didn't need to get me anything, especially not after ... I only opened it earlier today because Àmbar told me to only open it when I have a quiet moment to myself, which I didn't really have until today. So, that's why I'm only here now to thank you for ... Your gift confused the shit out of me because I didn't understand how you could possibly already have this but then it clicked and I ... You didn't have to let me in on this secret".

"Wanted to. That didn't change" Louis shrugged non-committally, still staring down at his lap. "This one is a bit toxic though".

"I'm sure I'll love it anyway" Harry was definitely looking at him but Louis wouldn't look up any time soon. Hearing a rejection was bad enough without seeing it written all over that person's face. "Thank you. This means a lot".

"Just a book" Louis needed him to hurry the fuck up.

"Not just a book, Louis. It's so much more and I know that. I don't think I deserve that but I'm glad to have it anyway" Harry only made it worse with every word. "I wanted to ask you about it way sooner, even before opening it, but you didn't show up at the bakery, so I didn't know ...".

"Didn't think you'd want me to" Louis spit the words out before he'd choke on them. "You know, with Phil being there and all".

"He wouldn't have been there" Harry was still looking at him.

"Yeah, sure" Louis snorted unconvinced. "That looked different".

"He only came by ...".

"To take you to dinner and take care of you. I know. He told me that himself" Louis couldn't take it any longer. "Can you just get to the point and be honest? I think I deserve that much".

"We didn't go to dinner and he did not take care of me in any way because I told him that I need time to think. And for that I need distance, so I wouldn't be manipulated into a decision" Harry told him shockingly, making him look at him now. "I'm not lying when I say that I'm torn. I didn't even know myself how much until I thought Phil and I could just jump right back into it and I invited him over on my birthday. We d ... I'm not gonna lie, I thought we would do it but it felt wrong as soon as he was too close. Your face kept flashing back into my mind and I knew I couldn't do it. It would not be fair to anyone to ... I need to be sure but I'm not".

"Why not? I thought it's pretty obvious what you wanted" Louis frowned in bewilderment, the image of Harry's face when Phil had begged for a second chance imprinted in his brain.

"I thought so too, not gonna lie, but I can't stop thinking about you" Harry revealed to him hesitantly. "A part of me wants to go back to Phil because it just makes sense and I wanted it for years but a different part of me keeps thinking about you. I feel drawn to you in a way I can't explain and it doesn't make any sense".

"Because I was never meant to last or be serious for you. It was just casual fun from your side. I know that now" Louis looked away again, not wanting to see the truth too brutally in his eyes.

"None of us can know if we had lasted without Phil showing back up. It's barely been a week and we were just figuring things out but it was never just fun or sex. You have to believe me" Harry scooted closer to him but refrained from touching him.

"Then why are you really here?" Louis had to know because he wasn't sure what to believe.

"I wanted to thank you for your gift in person and tell you ...".

"Bullshit" Louis wasn't buying it.

Closing his eyes to take a deep breath, Harry reached out to touch his knee now. "I wanted to keep my distance from both of you until I was sure what I wanted. Until I knew what's the right thing to do but my feet brought me here anyway. I felt drawn here because I needed to see you. I wanted to ...".

When Harry fell silent, Louis looked up and right into his eyes, his pupils a bit dilated. "What do you want, Haz?".

"To kiss you one more time" Harry breathed out, his face so close now. "To be with you one more time before retreating".

And Louis knew what that meant even if Harry wasn't man enough to actually say it. It meant to pretend for one more day. To act like it was only them and it would only be them and no one else for one last time. To give into the palpable attraction and heavy sexual tension between them once more. A last time.

"Then kiss me" Louis chose to be reckless one last time.

As if set free, Harry immediately brought their lips into a very messy kiss, rushed and desperate. Shutting off his brain, Louis climbed onto Harry's lap and deepened the kiss, needing to fill his head with only lust and desire or he would break. Rutting their hips together, their snogging got sloppier by the second and Louis knew what Harry wanted. What he had wanted all along.

"Take me upstairs" Louis panted into Harry's mouth, knowing whatever they'd do was up to him, which made no sense.

"Are you sure?" Harry broke away for a second to look at him.

"You're up for it, right?" Louis put on a mask of nonchalance to get the words out in a steady voice. "This is what you wanted".

"Yes but only if you ...".

"Then I need you to take me upstairs and fuck me, Harry. Now because we shouldn't do it on the couch. No stuff" Louis brought the words out as neutrally as possible. "I want this".

Before he could register it, Harry grabbed him by his thighs and picked him up, causing Louis to wrap his legs tightly around Harry's waist. On the way to the stairs, he connected their lips again, making out messily until they had reached the bedroom. How Harry had located the right room blindly, Louis didn't know and he couldn't care less. Not when Caspians set him down, so they could both get undressed to speed things up. It all still felt rushed and desperate and absolutely needy but it couldn't feel any different. This right here was impulsive and wrong and they both knew it but chose to do it anyway. At least once.

Completely naked, they got on the bed and took out some lube and a condom before snogging again to fall back into this weird moment between them. Needily, they rutted against each other to lure more and more moans out of the other. Hard and turned on, Louis wrapped his legs back around Harry to pull him down and finally closer to him, right between his spread legs.

Without much of a foreplay or anything of that sort, Harry went down on him, sucking his dick for a moment before grabbing the lube and slicking up his fingers. Knowing he needed to relax to make this pleasurable for himself, Louis looked up at the ceiling and reminded himself that he wanted this. In a way, at least. He didn't really want them to have their first and only time like this, rushed and unloving and only to have done it once. But he had chosen to give Harry what he had come over for to cross one more point off his imaginary list. Logically, he knew that this right here was his one and probably only chance to finally lose his virginity. After Harry was out of his life, he wouldn't let anyone in ever again, so he wanted to get it over with. Do it once and with someone he at least liked and who wanted him, if only sexually.

To make him relax and help his body settle into the moment a bit more, Harry pushed one finger inside of him, making Louis tense up momentarily at the intrusion and the new feeling but he loosened up a bit when Harry started to move his finger in and out of his hole. The second and third finger only made him feel even better and he was finally completely relaxed. Enough to take Harry's dick for the first time. The thought made him nervous but excited at the same time. Having someone else's fingers inside of him had already been one hell of an experience. It could only get better, no matter how sad this moment actually was.

"God, just fuck me now, Haz" Louis groaned out when Harry teased his prostate for a moment. "Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me".

While Harry put on the condom, Louis kept mumbling these two words to get himself into the right mindset and focus on what was important right now. He'd finally be deflowered. He would finally know what it felt like to bottom for a man. Maybe after this, he could go out once to switch, fuck some stranger before never doing anything ever again because he'd get attached way too quickly. That's why this was such a horrible idea.

"Gonna fuck you now, Lou" Harry positioned himself at his entrance, his dick nudging Louis' rim. "Gonna fuck you real good".

"I bloody hope so" Louis grew impatient, thrusting forward to make Harry push his dick inside. "Come on, fuck me now".

Finally listening to him, Harry pushed forward and his dick breached Louis' rim, making him gasp at the new feeling. Slowly, Harry started to thrust in and out of him to let him adjust and get used to the feeling. Louis was definitely liking it.

"More" Louis panted out stimulated. He needed more to make his brain shut up and let him enjoy this for what it was.

Obeying again, Harry picked up his pace, their moans mixing together and almost overpowering his thoughts. But only almost. No matter how great Harry's dick felt inside of him, Louis kept thinking about what they were doing and how wrong it was. This right here meant nothing to Harry but it meant something to him even if he wouldn't admit that out loud. His mind knew though that them fucking right now meant nothing for them as a unit. It would not change a thing. It was just a quick shag to have it done once. Louis knew that Harry had only wanted him once before going back to his ex-husband right after, officially making his decision.

Despite everything that was clouding his mind, Louis' entire body felt alive. With every steady push of Harry's dick, he felt more on fire than ever before. It felt like his blood was gasoline and Harry's body was setting him alight. The feeling was addictive and dangerous. Gasoline and fire were an explosive mix. Louis knew he'd get burned all over but it was worth it. This one time.

With Harry's lips suddenly sucking on his neck, Louis could feel their perilous fire sparking just like the first time they'd ever touched hands all those months ago. Back then, the spark had felt like an exciting new rush. A good thing. Right now, that chancy spark made it hard for him to breathe, making him feel like their crackling spark from today would burn down everything forever. Even still, Louis wanted Harry's beguiling lips back on his for one more moment to ignite his gasoline and leave burns all over him. To make him feel something. Anything other than the pain he was feeling inside of his heart. Literally anything.

"I'm close" Louis warned him when he felt heat pooling in the pit of his stomach. But he could also feel tears behind his closed eyes and he willed them away. He had chosen to do this.

"Me too" Harry thrusted harder to push them over the edge.

Only a moment later, Louis came all over his chest and Harry soon followed, releasing into the condom. After riding their highs out together, Harry pulled out of him and tossed the condom aside, snuggling up to him. It could've been a nice last moment for them but Louis felt numb and empty. Drained of any emotion.

"Wow," Harry breathed out, his breath hitting Louis' nipple.

"Yeah," Louis forced himself to wrap an arm around Harry to savour the feeling of his last opportunity to have him this close.

Instead of asking if he had liked it or if he was alright, Harry just stayed silent, probably highly aware of not having any right to really ask that. For a few minutes, they stayed cuddled up but then Harry sat up, avoiding his eyes but Louis wasn't keen on looking at him anyway. It would only hurt more to let him go.

"I should better leave, go home" Harry offered him a weak and shitty explanation for his rushed exit. "But um ... are you gonna stop by tomorrow? I still have treats for Alexa and I made a cake earlier after opening your gift. It's chocolate. The one you like so much and I'd like for you to get it. We could even still prepare that cake for Maria. Her birthday's on Sunday, right?".

Glancing at him now, Louis noticed how nervous he looked and how much he was struggling to get dressed due to being all jumpy and squirmy. He sounded pretty desperate to convince him to stop by the bakery tomorrow, which was quite odd. Totally strange.

"I guess I could make time for it" Louis chose to be an idiot and run straight into more heartbreak but he knew he would get hurt real good any day now, so it didn't really matter anymore. They could pretend to be on good terms for one more day.

"Really?" Harry sounded genuinely shocked by that answer, so Louis only nodded, covering himself up with his blanket. "That ... Thank you ... You're really gonna show up?".

Looking Harry up and down, all clothed and ready to go now, Louis felt his heart aching at the prospect of never seeing him again but he just knew that meeting at the bakery tomorrow would also mean nothing. Harry was only feeling guilty. A few days ago, he had actually told him that he was a stress baker, tending to bake when he was stressed out or feeling guilty. It was a pity cake. A farewell cake. A rejection cake. He knew that, deep down. But he still chose to get burned. One more scar wouldn't hurt.

"I'll be there, Haz".