"You're blowing this completely out of proportion, H" Niall told him casually as he put new Danishes into the display case.

"Did you not hear what I just told you?" Harry wiped over the counter, gaping at his best friend. "He hasn't had ...".

"I've heard you loud and clear, H" Niall threw away his plastic gloves, pointing at their little group. "I think we all did, didn't we?".

"We did and I can't believe you're making this such a big deal" Àmbar sounded oddly disappointed. "He literally opened up to you about this, if completely willingly or not doesn't matter right now, and you chose to react like a real prick. Good job, Harry".

"I didn't ...".

"Oh, you did. Or did you not treat him completely differently from the moment you found out he wouldn't just let you in his pants like a proper asshole? I thought that's what you told us" Àmbar stared him down with a look in her eyes that made him shrink in on himself in pure shame. "Your face tells me everything I need to know. Don't even try ...".

"Don't you think you're being a bit hard on him, A?" Niall cut her off, eyeing Harry's crouched-down frame. "He didn't mean to be an asshole. He was just shocked. It is unexpected".

"Weren't you the one who just said he was making this a bigger deal than necessary?" Sarah questioned puzzled.

"Yes, and I still think that. So, the lad has never fucked anyone. What's the big deal? Just be the first, for fuck's sake" Niall said bluntly, making all three of them stare at him with very different emotions on their faces. "What?".

"You've literally shagged dozens of people and you're telling me you wouldn't have a problem with your new partner being ...".

"No, I wouldn't, H" Niall didn't let him finish, making his frustration grow immensely. "And if I were you, I wouldn't even finish that sentence. Not ever, not even in your thoughts. It makes you sound like a proper dick. Àmbar is right".

"Thanks but not really something I wanna be right with" Àmbar grimaced pained.

"H, do you really have a genuine problem with Louis being a virgin?" Sarah asked him a lot softer than his other friends.

Before he could even answer her, a new customer walked into the bakery and Harry excused himself, thankful for the short distraction. When he had told his friends about the events of last Saturday, he hadn't expected to get crucified like a criminal. He had hoped for a bit more understanding and someone telling him what to do. Someone telling him it was alright to be ...

"Hello, how can I help you, Sir?" Harry put on his politest smile for his new customer, pushing his thoughts of Louis to the side.

"I'd like two Danishes and one bloody Virginia. Sounds weird but interesting. Cherry?" the man almost gave him a heart attack with his order, his bad mind definitely hearing something completely different and it made him feel even worse than before.

"Yeah," Harry breathed out shakily. "It's a new recipe".

"Nice. I'm sure it's great" the man sounded very excited.

Packing up his order, Harry could feel his friends still watching him closely from their previous spot in the corner behind the main counter. After receiving his money, Harry sent the man on his way and braced himself to face his friends' judgement yet again.

"Gonna answer Sarah's last question before another cherry tart gives you an aneurysm?" Àmbar had her arms crossed over her chest, still looking mad as hell and he didn't understand why.

"How about you just pop his cherry instead, mh?" Niall threw in casually, earning another round of stares. "What? I'm pretty sure he just wants to get it over with but doesn't know how".

"God, it's not even about that" Harry buried his face in his hands, knowing he was turning red in shame.

"So, if it's not about Louis not having ridden a dick before, what's this about then?" Niall asked as bluntly as ever, earning two slaps from Sarah and Àmbar for his choice of words. "What?!".

"Shut up".

"It's about so much more than just sex. I can't ..." Harry was afraid to voice his thoughts out loud, knowing his friends would not spare him from calling him out on his bullshit.

"Can't what? Be a decent person?" Àmbar sounded totally done by now. "It's not like you could explore all that with him".

"And that's it, isn't it?" Sarah suddenly looked at him with so much clarity in her eyes. "You don't want that. You never even wanted to date again. You're not up for what Louis needs, what he deserves. You're just plainly attracted to him. It's just sex".

"No, it's not" Harry felt horrible for making his friends think that about him but maybe she wasn't wrong. Was she right? He really couldn't tell right now. "I ... I like him".

"Then why are you acting like ...?".

"I'm not sure if I'm the right guy for him, okay?" Harry snapped at Niall before he could complete his next question, earning three curious and befuddled faces. "I already had it all. I've done quite literally everything while he doesn't even know what he likes or wants and I don't know if sleeping with him would be a good idea".

"You sound like quite the superior knothead when you say shit like this" Àmbar told him brutally honest. "You're experienced and he isn't and you're making this about your bloody marriage?".

"She has a point" Sarah had to admit meekly.

"I'm not ..." Harry groaned to himself before looking back at his friends. "Okay, maybe I am making this about my marriage. How could I not? I've been with Phil for over nine years, six of that married and then we got divorced bloody four years ago because we've fallen out of love and wanted different things. I've sworn off dating and the first guy I'm actually interested in enough to think about dating again turns out to be someone who's never been with anyone. Not even dated, nothing. I would only be his first experience and nothing more but we're actually too old for that. We're not teenagers anymore, who can randomly experiment".

"Harry ...".

"What if he isn't actually gay, mh?" Harry was blurting out all of his thoughts now. There was no turning back anyway. "What if we fuck and then he realises he hates it and I wasted my time?".

"Okay, stop. Seriously, shut the fuck up" Niall approached him now and Harry flinched automatically, expecting a slap but it never came. "I think Louis knows his sexuality better than you. Just because he's been closeted for ages, it doesn't mean that he doesn't know what he wants. Actually, I think he knows what he wants better than you, H. He's had enough time to figure that out in his cage, don't you think? You're being unfair".

"Maybe" Harry saw Niall's point.

"And maybe you're saying he could never be someone for the long run because he's never dated but you can't know that. You married your first boyfriend, H" Àmbar came up behind Niall. "And yes, it ended in divorce but that doesn't change the facts".

"To me, it sounds like you're looking for reasons to cut him off" Sarah added her opinion on top of everything. "Why? Do you really think his lack of experience would be a deal-breaker?".

"Or are you just not ready to endure some bad teenage sex before he improves?" Niall hooked bluntly all over again, three pairs of eyes staring at him. "And again, what? I know you're both thinking it. I'm just the only one asking these questions".

"Is he right, H?" Sarah frowned disappointedly. "Because if he is, then you lied to us. Then it's really only about sex".

And Harry wanted to correct them and defend himself but he hesitated, not entirely sure what the truth was. He only knew that finding out about Louis' virginity had changed something in the way he was perceiving him. It was the first thing he thought about when Louis was mentioned and that wasn't okay but true.

"You better figure this the fuck out because he's here," Àmbar told him in a hissed whisper, looking right over his shoulder.

In a flash, Harry whipped around and spotted Louis by the entrance with Alexa. And of course, it was Monday and they were technically on speaking terms again. It was time for Alexa's new order of treats. That Louis was actually here though took Harry by surprise. Somehow he hadn't expected him to show up.

"Hey," Louis greeted him quietly, his lip twitching in an attempt to smile but it never broke through. "Alexa misses her treats".

"I ... um ... I have them in the back. Wait here" Harry turned around to head into the backroom, which was located next to their normal kitchen. On his way, all three of his friends sent him some glances that he didn't like. Warning him; reminding him to be nice and gentle and not act like an asshole. When had he become the person to be perceived that way by their friends?

Fixing up the treats for Alexa, Harry came back out and found Louis where he had left him, looking anywhere but at Harry's friends. It hurt to think that he was the reason for Louis being so wary in a place that was supposed to make people feel safe.

"Let's go for a walk, yeah?" Harry made himself noticed in the most awkward way possible. Back at square one. "I'm on break now anyway and could need some air".

Looking like a reprimanded child, Louis nodded and took the offered box of treats, stuffing them into his coat pocket. "Okay".

"Okay".

In silence, they walked along the street and ended up in the park close by. Still wordlessly, they sat down on a bench that wasn't completely covered in snow, ignoring the freezing chill. It was helping him to keep his head clear actually. When Alexa was let off of her leash and headed off, Louis glanced at him sideways but Harry didn't know what to say. How did you even start a talk like this? What was he supposed to say? That nothing's changed?

Apparently, he didn't have to find the right words because Louis broke the silence between them on his own. "I'm sorry if I did weird you out with ... I wasn't even gonna mention it because ... but ... I freaked out when you ... I'm sorry for ruining this".

"You really don't need to apologise, Louis. Like I said, it's not your fault and ..." Harry bit his tongue before he said something completely stupid.

"I'm not sure it isn't, to be honest," Louis mumbled into his scarf, staring into the distance wistfully. "My friend Sean and I made out drunk in a club once in the very first year we've been signed. We weren't even into each other but it still happened and we didn't think much of it because it was nothing, right? Wrong. That one little make-out session ruined so much and everything went south after it, so that I ... I'm still scared of consequences sometimes".

"In which way?" Harry hooked curiously, feeling so sorry for Louis and what he's been through.

"After this incident, I was assigned my first stunt girlfriend, a beard to cover up that I'm gay and it never stopped again. Sean was lucky enough to fall in love with his stunt girl but I wasn't that lucky. I'm unfortunately not into women or couldn't just shake it off and date in secret" Louis told him more about his backstory to his surprise. He didn't expect to still receive this much trust from the man. "It's hard to trust anyone in the business, finding someone to date you despite the stunts is almost impossible. No one wants to go through that if you have the chance to choose against it and I get that. I wouldn't have wanted to put anyone through this just to be with me but I never even had the chance to meet anyone. My team made sure of it. And after I was out of my club contract and lived a normal life, I still had major trust issues. That dude trying to get the tea by faking interest wasn't helping. I just wasn't lucky enough to meet anyone who was worth risking to lose my privacy again and being dragged through the mud all over again. Which also meant, casual sex wasn't on the table. It all really sucks".

Letting Louis get everything he wanted to say off his chest, he thought about every word he said and felt so much pity and tons of other emotions he couldn't place for him. That he has been deprived of a normal life because the business was so bloody homophobic wasn't fair and he deserved better. So much better.

But it also showed him all the mental load Louis was carrying. So many burdens to still work through that might never leave. He'd never have an easy life. Everything could trigger him any time and he would freak out on whoever was there with him. Now he kinda understood why Louis had never dated anyone. It wasn't easy.

"I get that" Harry chose to say, knowing he wouldn't find the right words anyway. "All of that really didn't make it easier".

"No, it really didn't and that's why I freaked out when we made out and you ... It brought me right back to the incident with Sean and that horrible team conversation afterwards" Louis admitted shockingly, looking up at him with piercing blue eyes.

"Oh," Harry said dumbly, his mind blank. "I really never wanted to freak you out or make you feel ... Louis, we ... How about we press pause on us for the time being, mh?".

"No" Louis frowned deeply at his offer, everything about him coming off as alarmed in seconds. That wasn't the reaction he had expected and hoped for with this offer. "Why would we do that?".

"I thought ...".

"You told me nothing's changed but it clearly did. Everything's changed and you're trying to lie to me" Louis was fuming now, his eyes filled with so much hurt and anger. "You wanted me when you still thought you could easily get in my pants by charming me out of them with your stupid baking skills. But now that you know that I'm a bloody virgin, you don't want me anymore because you are weirded out. You're just too much of a coward to be honest with me because you wanna save your face".

"That's not true, Louis. I'm not trying to ..." Harry tried to save the moment but it was pointless. He couldn't find the right words because he couldn't lie to Louis when he looked so vulnerable. Maybe he only wanted to lie to make himself feel better.

"Seriously?" Louis was totally unimpressed, his face showing the sheer disappointment and rage he was clearly feeling, rightfully if Harry was finally being honest. "Stop bloody pitying me and just say that you don't wanna see me again. Be fucking honest".

Not able to handle so much hatred aimed at him, Harry kept staring at the ground instead of looking up and meeting Louis' pained eyes one last time. He knew it was a cowardly move and he wasn't proud of it but he couldn't bring himself to say anything.

"Wow, okay" Louis clicked with his tongue and if he had been disappointed before, he sounded ten times more disappointed now and that hurt the most. "Come on, Alexa".

Ashamed, Harry watched Louis leave with Alexa without a look back, feeling like someone was squeezing his lungs to try and choke him to death. Maybe he would deserve that.

With a hanging head and a heavy heart, Harry made his way back to the bakery, where his friends immediately looked at him when he walked in. Feeling another wave of judgement coming his way, Harry slummed into a seat at Àmbar'stable, Sarah and Niall followed suit while Holden took over the cash register.

"What happened?".

"What did you do?".

"Where is he?".

"First of all, fuck off, all of you" Harry could feel a headache coming at the first questions alone. "Secondly, he's on his way home after we talked in the park. He apologised unnecessarily and told me a bit more about his closeting, its effects and the aftermath. It's still affecting him big time and he carries so much. So many burdens, that ...".

"You told him that's totally fine, right?" Àmbar hooked alarmed.

"Please, tell me you did. We all carry our burdens. You just as much as everyone else, Mr-I-got-divorced-and-do-not-wanna-date-ever-again" Niall looked pointedly at him.

"I'm not here to get mocked by my friends" Harry huffed like a child, feeling naked and exposed. Judged.

"Don't expect your friends to lie to you just to make you feel better about yourself" Àmbar shot back unfazed. "And if I'm getting this right, you did not tell Louis anything positive, am I right?".

"I ... I offered to press pause on whatever we have but he didn't like that at all" Harry admitted shamefully.

"You don't say" Niall gasped just to be a jerk.

"I had good intentions" Harry claimed defensively.

"Did you though?" Sarah questioned his authenticity.

"I did but he thinks now that I only wanted an easy fuck ...".

"Is he so wrong to assume that?" Niall cut him off harshly. "I'm your friend and I'm not convinced anymore that's not what you wanted out of this. I thought you liked him but maybe I was wrong. Maybe you only offered him baking sessions to have easy access and get some after your very long dry spell. Pure irony".

"Are you for real right now?" Harry stared at his best friend in shock. He didn't expect him to judge him this hard.

"Guys, stop. Don't fight over this" Sarah tried to reason with them to prevent the worst. "I'm sure he actually liked Louis".

"Liked being the important word here. Past tense" Àmbar pointed out sourly. "Because he doesn't anymore. He apparently doesn't date virgins because they're weird and carry too much".

"I never said that" Harry felt worse with every word. She has known him for years and knew him inside out. That she was really thinking this about him right now hurt like a bitch.

"You literally did".

"Try to walk in my shoes for a moment. Louis' past was hella messy and I only know parts of it by chance. I wouldn't even know what I'd get myself into with all his mental barriers and burdens and triggers and ... it's just too much ..." Harry tried to show them his side but they didn't look happy with his words. "He ...".

"He's too much but at the same time not enough" Sarah summed up what they had gathered from his messy explanation. "His past and his scars are too much for you to handle because you only wanted some fun fling but you're not getting this because he's obviously not someone for casual sex or he would've done it by now to get it over with and be less likely judged by men".

"Sounds about right to me" Niall stared sternly at him.

"But you're wrong. I didn't want a fling with him. I ..." Harry didn't know where he was going with this. His head was a mess. "I don't know what I wanted, to be honest. I only know that I felt very drawn to him from the start and couldn't help what was happening between us so naturally".

"Then why are you being such a dick about this entire thing? You are not an asshole, Harry. Don't turn into one now over a guy being not what you expected him to be" Sarah looked intensively at him before standing up and assisting Holden at the till.

"She's right, H. You're better than this. I never expected us to have this conversation" Niall's features softened now.

"Me neither" Harry sighed out defeatedly.

"Then why are you fighting your feelings by being a prick to a really nice guy, who's probably proper hurt right now? Zayn would have your head for this if he knew" Niall questioned what was really going on, knowing him way too well.

"He can't know. Not yet. He and Louis really hit it off too well to tell Zayn about this. He might kill me" Harry pleaded his friend desperately, hoping he'd keep his mouth shut this time.

"Especially because he was a virgin when he met Liam, or do you not remember that?" Niall reminded him with a strong look on his face, making Harry feel even smaller. "Don't act all superior and condescending because you've been married, H".

"Maybe I'm just not the right person to be his first and carry this burden with him" Harry blurted out what he's been thinking. He had his own mental things to carry from his past marriage.

"H ...".

"If you really choose to let Louis go because he's a virgin, then I don't wanna see you again. If that's your only reason, then we're through, H. Then you're not who I thought you were" Àmbar cut Niall off before he could say anything, staring Harry down in pure anger and sheer disappointment. "And don't come at me with all this mental barrier bullshit. You've never cared about that before".

Without another word, Àmbar left the table with her notebook in her hand, exiting the bakery without saying goodbye. Looking at Niall for help, he only saw seriousness in his eyes and something that made him think Niall agreed with Àmbar's last words.

"You love me although I've been a fuckboy all my life, H. You love Zayn although he's triggered by smartphones in his close distance due to his profession and short closeted past. You love Àmbar although she's demisexual and au ...".

"I get it, okay?!" Harry exploded in tons of shame.

"Do you though?" Niall eyed him closely. "Who the fuck cares if he's seen someone else's dick before, H? Who bloody cares if he carries some burdens like all of us? What matters is that he likes you and you obviously like him, not just for sex and I know that but you're really making yourself look bad here. You should feel fucking honoured that he let you into his life like this with everything you already know instead of questioning shit. I can assure you the rest of his story will make you look even more like a dick".

"Shit, you're right".

When Harry thought he'd felt bad so far, then he couldn't even put into words how horrible he was feeling right now. Instead of being actually understanding and supportive, he has acted like a total knothead and didn't even fully realise that, thinking the entire time that he wasn't being self-centred and a bloody narcissist when he's been exactly that. He had only thought about himself and his fear of dating and putting himself out there again had taken this and run with it, turning him into someone he wasn't.

"What should I do now, Niall?" Harry had no idea how to fix this. If it was even fixable. He had definitely hurt Louis and he didn't deserve that. He should've been more supportive.

"Apologising would be a good start" Niall stated the obvious but then he reached across the table to take his hand. "But before you do that, you figure out what you bloody want from the lad, okay?".

"I want him," Harry said before he could stop himself.

"In a sexual way only or...?" Niall trailed off at the end, the unasked question hanging between them.

"No, in more ways than just that" Harry admitted out loud for the very first time. "Of course, he's bloody sexy but I also love just talking to him, even when it's awkward between us".

Hearing that, Niall smiled at him warmly. "Then you better tell him that before it's too late. He might not be willing to fix this after you made him feel horrible for being a virgin".

"Fuck, I know" Harry groaned frustratedly, hating himself. "And that's why I don't date. Being married was easier than this".

"I know, H" Niall patted his hand understandingly. "And that's why I have to ask. Are you really sure about this? Are you really ready to fix this and give it a fair shot? Are you really willing to date Louis with whatever that entails? If not, don't hurt him more by making empty promises".

Trying not to be hurt by his questions, Harry thought about it a bit more. He had no idea what else had happened in Louis' past that could still possibly affect him but it really shouldn't matter. Harry himself wasn't free of burdens and triggers, his fear of dating was a great example of that. It brought out the worst in him. But that didn't mean he couldn't at least try to work on it. Maybe with Louis, who he really liked and had hurt massively.

"I'm sure. This time for real".