Something I wanted to mention before uploading any more chapters is that the smut scenes will be different this time. I know in fanfics people write the entire prepping and stretching someone out thing but that isn't how it works in real life and because this is my actual book, I write them more realistic than normal smut scenes. So, don't be surprised if things are different from now on in my stories. Just trying to stay as accurate as possible.

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Saturdays were definitely Louis' favourite again. After kind of despising Saturdays for around three months, he was back to loving them because this was the second Saturday in a row that he was allowed to spend with Harry alone in his kitchen, baking a chocolate cake together. Somehow they had dropped most of the awkwardness between them since their time at Zayn's party and could talk normally to each other now, which made the baking even more fun. Getting to know the person he liked on a personal level was a welcomed added bonus to the delicious food.

"A nurse? Wow, mad respect to your mother. That job is tough" Louis whistled impressed while beating the margarine and sugar until it was foamy in his bowl. "My Mum works in a nursery home and as much as I wanna help people, I don't wanna switch".

"Understandable. That's a pretty tough job as well and severely overlooked. Emotionally draining as well" Harry supervised his work while finishing up the chocolate icing for later, knowing Louis wasn't ready to try that just yet on top of making a cake. "You can add the eggs now. Looks good".

Grabbing his cup with the cracked-open eggs, Louis mixed them in thoroughly. "It's very draining. That's why I'm kinda happy my sisters decided against following in her footsteps, in the end".

"How many sisters do you have?" Harry took the tin for the cake and started to grease the baking tin.

"Four. Two sets of twins" Louis smiled at the thought of them. "The older ones are Emily and Sophia. Em became a midwife and it just suits her. Soph on the other hand works as a sales manager for whatever reason but she loves it. The younger ones are Luna and Stella. While Luna is a primary school teacher, Stella made her hobby her job as well and became a hairdresser".

There was the tiniest reaction to Louis even indirectly bringing up his past job and it made him wonder yet again why Harry was still not asking him what he was recently doing. Did he actually think he was only sitting around all day, living from the money he had made as a footie player? Maybe that was it. Or maybe he didn't want to know. Maybe he didn't care, after all. Was that a good or a bad thing? Did he expect him to bring it up?

"Sounds like a lot going on" Harry's tongue was sticking out.

"There's always something, that's for sure" Louis chose to just ignore his question marks and focus on the moment. "I guess you don't have that with only one sister, do you?".

"Not like this, at least. I was the younger brother, so I guess I was annoying her more than she annoyed me but our mum always made her endure me anyway" Harry chuckled at the memory.

"Oh, yeah. The privilege of the youngest child" Louis teased him cheekily, adding flour, baking powder, milk, cocoa powder, grated coconut and chocolate sprinkles to the mix but it was a lot at once.

"Wait, let me help" Harry rushed to his side to come to his aid before something would spill. "There you go. Now you only have to whisk it real good. You should know how to by now, right?".

Looking straight into his eyes, Louis grinned at him with a bit of mischief in his eyes. "I did pay attention last week, Harry. You weren't that distracting. Sorry".

His cheeks pinkened in seconds but he didn't look away. "No?".

Leaning a little bit closer to Harry's face to mess with him, Louis was able to hear him draw in a shaky breath. "Wouldn't you like to know?".

"S why I asked" Harry swayed even closer.

Being able to feel Harry's breath on his face, Louis started to panic now and broke the eye contact to focus on the bowl in front of him. They had a cake to finish. "Too bad we have a cake to make. The oven can't preheat forever, Haz".

Looking a bit disorientated, Harry didn't back away. No, he stayed right by his side, arms brushing. "Then whisk faster, Lou".

And his dirty mind really never stood a chance with that, did it?

"Faster isn't always the way to win but good to know you like it fast, Haz" Louis joked immaturely.

"Louis!" Harry squeaked high-pitched, his face bright red.

"What? You started it" Louis started laughing at the odd situation, still mixing the ingredients steadily. "If you can't handle this, you shouldn't say anything I could run with".

"I didn't ...".

"Didn't you?" Louis cocked an eyebrow at a wide-eyed Harry, his entire face and ears crimson. "I'm whisking as fast as I deem it right. A steady hand is important, after all, right? So, don't push me and don't even think about telling me to go harder. You don't wanna know what may come out of this mouth".

Unexpectedly, Harry took a step closer, completely invading his personal space now and causing Louis to drop the whisk and fully face him. "Don't I? Are you sure?".

His already racing heart was definitely beating out of his chest by now. His brain was completely on autopilot. "I ...".

"Oh, cat got your tongue?" Harry sounded so breathless when he placed one hand on his waist, setting Louis' entire body on fire. "Well, let's hope not".

Before Louis could come up with a clever response to this very horrible attempt at being cheeky, Harry had already closed the distance between them and pressed their lips together in a hasty and already heated kiss, pushing his tongue directly into Louis' mouth. At the force of the kiss, Louis' eyes fell shut and his hands found their way around Harry's neck and into his hair, his mind racing while he just followed Harry's lead. Maybe he should've seen this coming. Maybe he did, if he was being honest with himself but somehow it had still taken him by surprise.

When Harry's elbow grazed the bowl next to them, Louis let his hands wander down onto Harry's chest to push him away a little bit and break their kiss, knowing no other way to stop this. "Haz, what ... what about the cake? The oven is still on".

Seemingly realising that Louis was right, Harry dropped his hands and took a step back, licking his lips scandalously. "Yeah, you're right. We ... Give me a minute".

As quickly as Louis never could, Harry filled the dough into the baking tin gracefully and pushed the tin into the oven, glancing at the time once. "It needs an hour to bake".

"Okay," Louis still felt breathless. Absently, he dipped his finger into the empty bowl to taste the dough. It was delicious.

Standing back up, Harry leaned against the counter next to the oven, looking right at Louis. "So, where were we?".

Feeling his entire body tingling, Louis put his finger into his mouth to lick more dough off of it, knowing Harry was watching him intently. "Well, you were definitely closer".

While Harry made his way over to him painfully slow, Louis leaned against the counter, resting his elbows on the top and hoping to come off as cool and relaxed and not as out of his element as he felt deep inside.

"Like this?" Harry stopped two steps in front of him smirkingly.

"Closer" Louis felt his heart beating out of his throat when he finally stepped right into his personal space again, his hands resting right next to Louis' elbow, bracketing him in like this.

"Close enough?" Harry's face was hovering right over his own.

"Could be closer" Louis breathed out, his fingers itching to touch.

"Then take what you want, Lou".

And he definitely didn't need to be told twice. In a heartbeat, he wrapped his arms back around Harry's neck and pulled him in to connect their lips again in a bruising kiss. Immediately, he could feel Harry's hand on his waist, grabbing him firmly and pressing them as closely together as possible against the kitchen aisle. Their tongues roamed each other's mouths and Louis hoped in the back of his mind that Harry was satisfied with his kissing skills.

"Couch?" Harry asked into his mouth, sucking on his tongue.

"Yeah," Louis couldn't think clearly anymore, his dick tingling.

Not willing to disconnect from each other for too long, they stumbled out of the kitchen awkwardly, trying to find their way onto Louis' couch. Somewhere along the way, Harry fell over a doll lying on the floor, almost dragging them both down but Louis caught them in time, cringing at the reminder.

"Sorry, that's Beth's" Louis feared he might have ruined the mood now with reality making itself known, reminding Harry of her.

"It's okay" Harry lunged for Louis' mouth again, apparently still in the mood for more snogging. It helped him relax again.

Pantingly, they fell down onto the couch with Harry climbing onto his lap, deepening their make-out session even more. With Harry hovering right over his dick and making these sexy little panting sounds into his mouth, Louis couldn't do anything to stop it. He was definitely growing painfully hard in his sweatpants. The little hip movements weren't helping and the fact that Harry was definitely hard himself was his downfall.

After a few more moments of simply making out heavily, Louis felt how Harry distributed his weight a little bit and rearranged their position, making Louis fall down onto his back with Harry hovering over him. Instead of connecting their lips yet again, he attached his lips to Louis' neck, kissing and sucking all over it. Louis just let it happen because he was enjoying it. He really was. He just didn't know what to do and Harry has definitely noticed his lack of initiative by now. There's no way he didn't.

When Harry's hands were about to slip underneath his pants and his sweater simultaneously, Louis tensed up. "Haz, wait".

Immediately retreating his hands, Harry backed off and sat down on his legs, kneeling right at Louis' feet. Studying Louis, who was still lying on the couch with his elbows propped up, Harry looked like a disgruntled kitten but also highly confused. "What's wrong, Louis? I thought you ...".

"No" Louis blurted out, paling right on the spot. Sitting up cross-legged, Louis looked down at his lap. "I mean, I do. I did ...".

"What is it, Lou?" Harry asked when he fell silent, his hair still everywhere from Louis playing with it a moment ago. "We don't have to do anything if you don't feel like it".

And Louis wanted to believe him. He really did. Harry just didn't look like he actually meant what he said. His breathing was still ragged and he was definitely still ready to jump him if Louis would give him the go, which he wouldn't right now. He couldn't, no matter if a part of him actually wanted to. The bigger part of him knew it would be wrong before clarifying something. This was going too fast. Maybe not for Harry but definitely for him.

"It's not like I don't want to, Haz. I ... A part of me does want to, just not like this. Not right now, not without you knowing that ..." Louis trailed off, having no idea how to word this without making him sound even more pathetic than he was.

"Knowing what?" Harry looked and sounded alarmed now, which didn't make it easier to come right out and say it.

"Haz, I ... I haven't ... I've never ..." he wasn't able to bring himself to actually say it, hoping Harry would get it somehow.

Something close to understanding rushed through Harry's face. "Oh, you've never been with a man?".

"That's not ... I mean, no, I haven't but ..." Louis was frustrated with himself for being such a bloody coward. For being pathetic in the first place and dragging Harry into this blind. For being unable to talk like an adult. For making Harry have to deal with this instead of getting what he actually wanted out of this.

Studying Louis' face and his fiddling hands closely, Harry's face changed from confusion to shock and back to confusion. "But you're thirty-three and ... and you have Beth. How can you be a virgin, Louis? This doesn't make any sense".

"Not for you, no" Louis mumbled under his breath anxiously.

With a big frown on his face, Harry scooted a bit closer and copied Louis' position. "Help me understand, Louis".

Not knowing where to start, Louis decided on the key details, not sure if he could or should trust Harry with his whole story yet. "Well, you must have figured out by now that I was closeted".

"Yeah, I guess but even closeted people have partners in secret" Harry didn't really sound understanding, making him visibly flinch at his words. "Sorry, that came out wrong. I didn't mean ...".

"You're not wrong, Harry" Louis cut him off in a dismissive voice. "They do but it's never easy and ... It doesn't matter. I didn't have a secret partner for the entirety of my career. I once made out with someone but that backfired so badly that I didn't even think about it anymore and my team wouldn't let me anyway".

"Damage control" Harry murmured quietly but Louis heard him anyway, tilting his head aside in an unspoken question. "Zayn went through this a couple of times until he put his foot down".

"That wasn't an option for me" Louis got oddly defensive now.

"I didn't say it was" Harry frowned at his defensiveness.

"You didn't have to" Louis responded dismissively, sorting through his head. "Anyway, no secret men for me, which also meant no action, if you catch my drift".

"Louis, I ..." Harry could definitely see him closing up right here on the couch. "I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't mean to say that it's your fault or anything".

"But you're thinking it" Louis knew what people actually thought about him being a thirty-three-year-old virgin. He's heard it before, just differently. "And you're not wrong, not completely. I could have dated behind closed doors, I guess. But finding someone who is willing to endure this for you is almost impossible if they're not also in the business, which ... yeah, no, thank you. Athletes can be quite the homophobes without even noticing it".

"I get that. I really do" Harry's eyes were pleading by now, obviously wanting Louis to believe him. His body language was contradicting his eyes though. "But what about Beth?".

"Isn't it obvious?" Louis was already over this conversation. "She isn't mine, Harry. The media just made up tons of lies to cover up my sexuality yet again".

"But ..." Harry was fish-mouthing in shock. "I've seen you two together and her things are on the floor".

"Did you never question why she isn't here though?" Louis tilted his head aside to get a better look at the man he probably would never see again after today. "Not even been a bit suspicious?".

"I just thought she might be with her mother" Harry offered an explanation for his lack of questions.

"Huh, so according to you, I park my daughter with her mother to fuck on my couch?" Louis knew he was being a little bit unfair now but he couldn't help it. "At least somehow plausible".

"Louis" Harry sighed heavily, sounding mildly disappointed. "That's not why I'm here and you know it".

Biting down his immediate response to that, Louis rubbed his hands over his face to calm down. "Sorry, I just ... I never had to talk about this to anyone, who didn't already know".

"I can't even imagine ..." Harry didn't finish his sentence, taking a moment to just think. "But after your accident and your recovery, you didn't go back. Couldn't you have met ...?".

"It's sadly not that easy, Harry" Louis knew what he wanted to ask. A typical question from someone who had probably fucked people since he's been a teen. Disappointing but not unexpected. "There has only been one person, who has tried to get close to me and Beth but not because he was actually interested. No, he only wanted the tea to spread it all over social media. Thankfully, I realised that right in time to stop his games and give him no real chance to exploit us. We never went back to that playground ever again and my trust issues sky-rocketed big time since then. I'm definitely paranoid and can't even talk to strangers without...".

Not feeling like he needed to explain this more detailed, Louis took a deep breath, reading on Harry's face that he kind of understood what he was implying. It had probably made him think about their incident again and explained some things in hindsight. If it was enough to make Harry look past all this and still treat him the same was still unclear. Louis guessed he wouldn't.

"But that means she is in your life even though she isn't yours biologically" Harry tried to solve the last piece of the puzzle.

"Yes, because she's my god-daughter, Harry" Louis revealed to him even though he wasn't certain that he could trust him.

"Oh," Harry made in understanding. "So that means the media lied about a woman being pregnant? That's fucked up".

"They didn't lie about that actually" Louis let him know hesitantly.

"Now I'm confused again" Harry looked completely lost.

"The woman I was papped with, Vicky, really was pregnant with Bethany. She is her biological mother but she didn't want her. It was an accident and my team used it to closet me even more. She was ready to sell her ... to the stunt and ... I couldn't let that happen" Louis bit down on his own tongue to not go into any more detail. Harry didn't need to know more. He already knew too much for someone who would leave eventually anyway. "Maria, my housekeeper, and her husband Paul adopted Bethany and made me her godfather. I see her at least every second Sunday for dinner. Sometimes on Saturdays or whenever they need me".

Nodding to himself, Harry took a moment to process the load of information. When he looked back at him, Louis wasn't sure what he saw and it made him nervous, a bit fidgety. "Thank you for telling me, Louis".

"Guess I had to" Louis smiled tight-lipped at him, not able to lie about the obvious truth between them. "Are we good?".

"We are" Harry answered as fast as ever before, making him frown at his tone. "Please, don't ... don't think this makes me think badly of you, Louis. It doesn't. Nothing's changed".

Words were such a tricky thing. They could sound exactly like what you wanted to hear and still be hollow and cut you like a knife because they weren't entirely true. Having no energy left to pick apart the true meaning of Harry's words, Louis decided to let it rest. He was already on the brink of tears anyway.

"How about we cuddle until the cake is ready?" Harry offered him way too over the top, showing clearly how little he actually wanted to do this. Louis had seen it all before. People lying.

"If you want to" Louis didn't feel like a pity cuddle to soften the blow of the upcoming rejection but he was also weak for him.

"I wouldn't have asked otherwise" Harry seemed to believe his own words and that was at least something. "Can I...?".

"Course" Louis settled down against the back of the couch, letting Harry cuddle up to him, which felt so forced.

For the remaining fifteen minutes, they stayed cuddled up and tense like this, both obviously lost in their own heads. Louis tried to soak up the feeling of having a boy cuddled up to him like this. He knew the chances of that ever happening to him again were slim. Harry would leave and never come back.

"The hour is up" Harry untangled himself from Louis and stood up from the couch, heading for the kitchen and not even waiting for Louis to follow him.

Willing back his tears, Louis followed him anyway and watched him take out the cake, letting it cool off. It looked perfect despite being a rushed product. It looked way better than Louis' life right now. Frozen to his spot, Louis only watched Harry apply the icing onto the cake all by himself. Not that Louis wouldn't have ruined it but he felt invisible right now anyway, cut off. Tossed to the side because he didn't put out at the first given chance. If that made him prude or Harry an asshole wasn't entirely clear to him at the moment. It made him feel like shit though.

"In a few minutes, it can be cut and tasted" Harry shattered the loaded silence between them.

Louis despised every second of it. They had just been able to drop the weirdness between them and now the good and burning tension, the anticipation, had turned to this awkward and heavily uncomfortable tension all over again, just ten times worse and not as fragile as before. No, this was a sharp feeling, like being cut open and being left to bleed out.

"Okay," Louis said simply, not moving away from the door frame.

"Text me how it tasted, mh?" Harry dusted off his hands and walked past him to the coat hanger, taking his coat in a rush. "I should head home. My sister wanted a vegan recipe for some muffins and I have no idea where I put it, so I better go and look for it, okay? It's rather urgent and I completely forgot ...".

"You want us to walk you home again?" Louis asked against his better judgement, his voice betraying his true feelings. His mind knew the answer before Harry could even think about it but his heart needed to hear it anyway. To confirm his fears.

"I really don't wanna rush Alexa or take more of your time ...".

"It wouldn't be a bother and you know it" Louis pressed some more to get the honest truth instead of this vague bullshit.

Closing his eyes for a moment while putting on his shoes, he sighed out and stood back up, looking at Louis exactly the way he had expected it. "Not today, Louis".

Wrapping his scarf around his neck, Harry chanced one last look at him before he was out the door, not even really saying goodbye. The moment the door was closed, he could feel tears.

"Do not cry" Louis admonished himself angrily.

Seeing Alexa looking up from the armchair she was sleeping in, Louis walked back into the kitchen to get rid of their mess. Filling up his dishwasher, Louis suppressed the upcoming memories. Cutting the cake and putting a piece of it on a plate, Louis willed himself to stay strong. Walking through his living room, he sat down by the bay window and tried the cake. The delicious taste of chocolate exploded in his mind and brought him back to their chat at the party and their banter in the kitchen. And it finally made him crack, tears streaming down his face while he kept eating cake.

Sensing his sadness, Alexa came over to him and nestled her muzzle into his lap. Overwhelmed by literally everything, Louis petted her and put the empty plate down, staring out at the icy snow covering his garden. It had been too good to be true and Louis had known that. Now his heart had to pay the price.

Wiping away some tears dripping down his chin, he took out his phone and dialled the only number he could think of right now. Listening to it ring, he couldn't stop crying, feeling absolutely pathetic and oh-so judged for something so primitive.

"Buttercup?" the call finally connected, making his tears worse.

"Mum, I need you right now".