The journey home in the car is quiet, a static tension already building up inside the car as Matt stares out the window distantly. He'd much rather stay at school than have to be home, especially after his guilty conscience keeps reminding him of his sin. He was always scared that his parents could read minds and that they'd find out if he thought about it. Pushing the memory away, he shuts his eyes and leans his head against the window, hoping the holiday would be over soon.

Not realising he had fallen asleep in the first place, Matt jolts awake as his dad beeps the horn to signal the family of their arrival. Megan and his mum come outside and rush over to hug him as he groggily gets out the car with his bag and stretches. They pull him into a tight hug, and he smiles even if he feels like his bones are being crushed. His dad heads indoors without saying anything.

"Matt, hey! You've gotten bigger!"

"Chris?" Matt stares at his brother as he makes his way over, "It's been so long, how are you?"

"I'm fine, thank you. How's school?"

Literal hell on earth. "It's good. Graduating soon"

"Aww, you've grown up so fast" He laughs, patting him on the shoulder as a greeting, "Let's go inside so you can unpack"

Matt smiles and follows him, but a part of him dreads stepping inside the house. The last time he was here it was the Christmas holidays, and he ended up crying himself to sleep Christmas night after spending the day with the entire family. He walks inside and heads upstairs to his room, walking in and sitting by the bed. It's just as he left it. He quickly unpacks his bag, placing the clothes in his closet, before taking his report out his bag and staring at it. The brown envelope taunts him. All he can do is pray that the grades are good.

Heading downstairs, Matt walks into the living room and hands the envelope to his mother. She is strict too, but at least she is less explosive than his father. She rips the envelope open and looks down at the grades, eyes pausing on two Bs he got. Their eyes meet and Matt's heart suddenly feels like it dropped out of his chest. "They're good, but what happened here?"

"I ran out of time. I spent too long on one question. O-on both exams"

His dad walks over and glances down at it, before shaking his head, "You can do better than that boy. No excuses"

"I'm sorry..." He looks down at the floor frowning. The truth is, his grades have been slipping ever since Ivy's birthday because he just can't focus. She won't talk to him, he doesn't even know of they're still together. And this disease is rapidly growing inside him. The thought you may die soon of a broken heart is rather distracting.

Megan sighs and grabs his arm, pulling him over to the couch and giving him a smile. She has been off school for the past month due to the flu, but she looks better now. Walking over the the tv, she turns the wii on and brings back two remotes. Matt takes his and smiles as she puts on Mario karts. She could always tell whe he was upset. In a way, Nadia reminds him of her. Maybe that's why they're good friends.

Later that evening, they sit down for dinner, and their dad says grace. "Dear God, we thank you for this lovely meal we about to have. We hope that you watch over us and make sure we don't fall from your light. And we pray that you help us through these coming months ahead. Amen"

As they start to eat, Matt can't help but feel like his dad knew what he had done. Why would he say that if he didn't? He takes a shaky breath and starts to eat to distract himself from the anxiety building up.

"So, Matthew, have you joined any clubs or extracurricular activities this semester?" Their mum asks.

Matt hesitates, knowing he can't tell them that he's in the school play. They didn't take the news well every year before this, so he might as well stop trying. "Um...not exactly. I have been going to my English class at lunch time to help tutor other people"

"Writing? That's it? No sports?" His father looks up, disappointment in his eyes. Couldn't think of a better lie than English tutoring? Idiot.

"I-"

"You're such a pansy, Matthew. I don't understand how you got a girlfriend in the first place. What does she even see in you, honestly?" Nothing apparently. "Are you sure you're not a fag?"

He hated how he automatically flinched, stomach twisting in guilt "No father, I'm not like that"

"Then why are you taking activities like writing and drama? They're for girls. Are you a girl?"

"No father"

"Then why is there nail varnish on your thumb? Why take feminine activities instead of sports or woodworks like a real man?"

Matt looks at his plate silent, holding back the tears beginning to prick in his eyes. The words replay in his head over and over. Be a real man, Matt. A real man doesn't cry. He doesn't do acting. He doesn't let his friend paint his nails. He doesn't kiss boys.

"Why can't you be more like your brother?" His dad grumbled into his plate. Christopher looked up from the beans he was pushing around with a fork and gives Matt an apologetic look. Matt was always lucky that his brother didn't act as if he was better than him like how his dad thought. He doesn't know what he'd do if he had to deal with two Jasons.

"Nadia wanted to paint my nails as a joke...I'll remove it after dinner" Matt responds quietly, bowing his head and finishing his dinner despite not feeling hungry anymore. His dad grunts, but doesn't reply.

The rest of dinner is silent, the awkwardness and unresolved tension left hanging in the air. Matt finishes as he tries to push away the nausea building up. He can't tell if it's what his dad said, or if it's his disease. He's glad when they're excused from the table and is allowed to retreat to his room.

He lays on his bed staring at the ceiling as his eyes sting, hot tears trailing down his face. Why. Why can't life just go his way for once?

He shuts his eyes, breathing gently to try and calm down, but his mind begins to wander in the worst direction. Peter flashes across his mind with his fluffy hair and beautiful eyes. The way his body is always so warm. Ths way his lips felt against his own-

His phone vibrating snaps him out of his thoughts. Matt leans over to the table and picks it up, looking at the notification on the lock screen. His heart skips a beat seeing Peter's name and that he has left 3 messages.

Peter: Hey Matt, I just want to apologise for the other night. I was drunk and read the situation wrong. I don't want things to be awkward between us.

Peter: I've enjoyed the past week together. You've been a great friend I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable

Peter: Can we forget it happened?

Matt sighs and replies to the message immediately, ignoring the shame he feels and the small shadow of guilt. Some part of him feels like ignoring Peter would be a better idea. If you purge the source of the sin then you can't be tempted to sin again. But he just can't do that.

Matt: I'm the one who's sorry. I was scared

He deletes scared.

Matt: I'm the one who's sorry. I was surprised when I woke up and lashed out. I didn't mean to yell at you like that.

Matt: I've enjoyed our time together too. Don't worry this hasn't changed anything

Matt sighs. Their kiss has changed everything, but he still can't find the heart to push Peter away. If Matt can have self control their friendship can continue as it is. As a friendship. Nothing else.

Peter: I'm glad :)

Peter: Thank you

Placing his phone back on the side, Matt sighs and rolls over to face the wall. Sometimes he wishes he could just disappear. And sometimes he feels as if no one would even noticed if he did. A lot of the time it feels like no one can see him. And when they do, it's only when he messes something up. Sometimes he wonders how he hasn't driven away all his friends, then he thinks back to Lucas and wonders if there's a chance to fix what he said. He didn't mean it, he was just scared and overwhelmed. It always happens. Matt has always been afraid, though, that one day he'll say something he can't take back, and ruin everything permanently.

_____

The next few days are full of tension, and Matt attempts to avoid his father as much as humanly possible. With his paranoia about his parents being able to read his mind one day and his progressively more ill state, he has been more isolated and anxious than he has been since this started. He's been throwing up petals at least once every day, and everytime he coughs he can feel his throat tearing itself apart. Coughing up blood is bad enough, but the blood stained petals going with it would cause a whirlwind of problems.

They would probably blame the disease on their suspicions that he is still gay and begin the shaming and praying all over again. They wouldn't believe it was caused by Ivy flirting with Jason and then ignoring him, leaving him to wonder if they're even still in a relationship or not. In fact, hanahaki or not, his dad would just have more dissapointment and suspicion towards him for his girlfriend leaving him. What a wonderful situation to be stuck at home with.

To make matters worse, Matt can't stop thinking about Peter. He's known him for 5 years, and in the last few months of school he's flipped Matt's world upside down without meaning to. It makes no sense. He's in love with Ivy! He's dying because he's in love with her. So why is this happening?

Church on Sunday is just as anxiety filled as Matt expected. The service feels different, and at times he thinks the priest is talking directly to him. His paranoia is distracting, and makes him space out a couple of times, his mother noticing one of them when he doesn't stand in time. By the time the service is over, Matt rushes to the car desperate to be anywhere else. He already knows Easter Sunday will be ten times worse.

That Tuesday, as he's laying on his bed listening to Spring Awakening, he gets another message from Peter, asking if he minded swapping rooms with Jason. Matt took almost 20 minutes to reply as he had to work out if it was a terrible idea or not. He eventually agreed on it despite his initial reaction, but then thinks about Lucas. It may be the last few months at St. Cecilia's, but Lucas may not want to be out to Jason, or for him to know. He may be uncomfortable sharing a room with him if it means Jason seeing him. As if he read his thoughts, Peter texts back a few minutes later to tell him that Lucas agreed to it too. He stares at the text frowning. He hates you still, that's why he doesn't mind it.

God, he really needs to apologise.

Going back to his messages, Matt taps on Lucas' contact and types out a new message, deleting and retyping it several times before hitting send.

Matt: I'm so sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it at all, I don't think of you like that I swear. I was just upset about the situation and took it out on you.

He stares at the screen for several minutes before seeing the ticks to indicate it's been read, and waits for another minute until he sees the dots to indicate typing.

Lucas: Is cool man

Lucas: maybe went too far on the bi jokes anyway lol

Matt sighs with relief as he stares at the messages, glad he hasn't fucked up a friendship over something so stupid. He puts his phone on the bed and shuts his eyes as Totally fucked starts to play.

Megan comes up a few hours later to see if he wants to go for a walk, and he agrees needing to get out the house. They head down the road towards the greenery and pond, finally catching up with the months they spent apart. Megan had spent it sick and Matt had spent it sad and ill. Ironic. They reach a bench by the pond and sit down in silence, watching the few fishes swim by the edge of the water, and the ducks lazily float around in the sunlight.

Eventually, she turns to him, "What's going on with you? There's something wrong, I can tell"

"I told you I have this flower dis-"

"No, there's something else, Matt. I can tell. I can see it in your eyes. You know you can tell me anything"

The splash of a duck fluttering it's wings fills the silence between them as he bites his lip. She might not think bad of him if he tells her, but what if she does? He can't loose her. But...what if...

"I kissed a guy and now I can't stop thinking about him"

There's a brief pause before she smiles, "that's sweet"

"It's not sweet is sinful and not who I-"

"Seriously, you really take this 'God hates gays' thing too seriously. You do know that neither I nor Chris give a shit about what our parents say about gay people? Matt, I know you love Ivy, but it sounds like you're either in love with this guy or you're projecting your feelings for her on him because he's the only thing close enough to her"

"I am not in love with him. And he's in love with someone else, but they also gave him hanahaki" Matt sighs and looks down at his hands, "You're right, I think I'm projecting my feelings on him because he's the only one who's been there for me since this thing started. I spent so much time with him last week"

Megan sighs but her smile doesn't waver, "Who is this guy anyway?"

"Peter-"

"Peter Simmons? Your friend Peter? Oh my god Matt you really know how to pick them"

"Shut up! I told you it's not like tha-"

"I'm messing with you, calm down! Besides, who cares if you were Bi or Pan or whatever. Love who you want and all that, you're 18 in a month. Once you move out you can be whoever"

He sighs and smiles faintly, "I...thank you for not being weird about this"

"No problem. We were born best friends y'know?" He laughs and she pulls him into a hug, "Try and sort it out between you two. I'm here for you whenever"

They stay at the pond for another half an hour before heading back so they can get back for dinner. Matt, feeling considerably less miserable than he has since he got home, walks with a smile on his face humming. Megan laughs nudging him, and he nudges back grinning. When she pushes harder he pushes back harder, until they're wobbling about the side of the road laughing.

He doesn't even register what happens next until it's too late.

A push just too hard. An oncoming bus. A twin no longer laughing.