Different Perceptions

The next morning, Alaynah didn't get much sleep due to her nerves, anxiety, and lower back pain. She began to worry if she had bags under her eyes as she lay in her half-aired bed. Quickly, she went to inspect the damage, and just as she thought, her bags looked super blotchy and dark as she looked in the bathroom mirror. Alaynah threw on a cooling mask and after a few minutes, she took it off. With a couple of dabs of concealer under her eyes, her bags disappeared.

As she walked into her closet and put on her new scrubs, Alaynah stared in the mirror, telling herself she was beautiful. Every day her mom told her to tell herself she was beautiful. At first, Alaynah thought it was straight narcissism, but she slowly realized, especially in her teenage years, it gave her power. She didn't know it then, but it would give her the power to fight against all the discrimination that would soon come her way.

For example, some of the people in her own community argued that she was not "black enough" – whether it was her skin not being dark enough or her hair not being kinky enough apparently having 3C hair was white – so they claimed she didn't "count" as black.  But outside of her community, they said her skin was not white, so she should be labeled as black, not brown, but black (another topic for another day)... Alaynah decided to state the obvious and help everyone out; she identified as a person of color.

But growing up, especially during the time she lived in Jamaica, Alaynah never had to identify with anything. Why? Well, her dad was Trinidadian, and her mom was from Jamaica. They were born and raised in their respective countries for more than half their lives, and they explained to her how normal it was to see Spanish, Indian, White, and Asian individuals born and raised on the islands.

And no one made a big deal about it because people like her parents, and really all islanders, believed it was all about "one love, one heart" or "Out of Many, One People." So while she lived in Jamaica, she never looked at all the different ethnicities or nationalities as weird. She thought the fact that they were human alone made them equal to her.

However, when she got into her teenage years, she started to see how her parent's way of thinking was not a popular idea, especially when they moved to the United States and the United Kingdom. During those times, her mom showed her videos of her friends in high school in Jamaica, and she had forgotten how united people of different colors could be. In those videos, everyone was smiling and laughing, and no one was looking at each other like they were different.

So this left Alaynah wondering, how is it that there is more peace, at least to her, in developing countries about race than in "leading" nations like the U.S. and the U.K.?

She quickly realized over the years that those leading countries that were supposed to be a place of no borders, racism, or discrimination, weren't. In order for her to have a fair shot at even a job in life, she would have to change her skin tone. And she hadn't even gotten to the issue of gender equality yet. But if she mentioned these concerns and issues, she was labeled as a feminist or a democrat...

The saddest thing she had seen to this day was when her mom, who was proud of who she was and where she came from, wrote on her resume to the cafe she used to work at as British-American. Her mom thought there was a better chance her potential boss would think she was white. Alaynah did have dual citizenship, but it hurt when her mom did that. It hurt that her mom knew checking the box for black or islander would possibly, in other people's eyes, consider her unqualified.

Now, for those who somehow would say she was embarrassed about being black or having brown skin, she wanted to give them peace of mind. In their eyes, they probably viewed her as a black person, but she viewed herself as a woman of color with Caribbean roots. And if they asked her what color she identified with, she would just say shade #310. (Avid Fenty user here.)

The reason behind her statement was her observation while browsing the Fenty Beauty website for the first time. She noticed a diverse range of ethnic people, but their countries of origin were not mentioned. This led her to think about how skin color could not determine someone's nationality or ethnicity. 

All she wanted was for people to ask her who she was instead of putting her in a box, and she would be so happy to tell them. As a matter of fact, she would love to tell them where she wanted to go in life and how she wanted to define herself. However, if they didn't want to ask, being put in a box did not define her at all. They would always be wrong.

For example, she loved Starbucks, but that didn't make her whitewashed. How did getting a strawberry refresher and a grilled cheese sandwich correlate to whitewashing? She honestly had no clue. Anyways, she bought an automatic coffee machine since her Starbucks budget had almost completely dwindled, and she didn't want to make anyone upset by going there either... notice her sarcasm.

As Alaynah sat in the folding chair she bought a couple of days ago at Target, she finally had the support she needed for her aching and cramping back. Stupid blow-up bed. She made a mental note to buy a Sleep Number by the end of this month, even if that meant swiping her beloved credit card. As a doctor, she needed all the sleep she could get, and if this bed kept disturbing her beauty rest, she would be swiping her card left and right.

Since she had no curtains or blinds either, she was able to see outside from different angles, which was so pretty. It felt like snow was falling right next to her. Lazily, she looked at her smartwatch. It was 7:15.

After a couple of seconds of staring, Alaynah's eyes bulged out of her head. She needed to be there at 8. If there was one thing she truly believed in, it was first impressions. Even if you were evil at heart, no one would know with a beautiful smile and a nice conversation. Who could tell you apart from someone who had a scowl but a heart of gold? Quickly, she put away her cup in the dishwasher and grabbed a night bag filled with extra scrubs, a toothbrush, two portable chargers, and her laptop.

Her phone pinged, and she knew Paul was there. He had been her Uber driver since the day she got here. He had a wife, a two-year-old, and a baby on the way. Maybe it was because it was kind of her job to know about families, but very quickly, he and Alaynah became pretty comfortable with each other.

After locking the front door behind her, Alaynah ran and hopped into his SUV.

"Morning," she smiled.

He politely nodded his head and began to reverse out of her driveway. "So how are you doing on your first day of work?"

"I'm doing well," she said honestly. "A couple of butterflies in my stomach but nothing I can't handle."

Paul gave a toothy grin. "Well, I think you will do great. Also, my wife is going to come in for a consultation, we were thinking next Wednesday."

Alaynah couldn't help but smile. From what Paul said, his wife was very hesitant about hospitals, so her even coming was amazing. "Oh, that's great! I think I will be available. I'll make sure to text you for confirmation. And don't worry about paying."

"But-"

"Kids are expensive," she said. "You'll need every dime you can save." Which is exactly another reason I'm not having any...

He looked at her challenging her in the rearview mirror, but she just smirked and he sighed. "Fine."

She laughed. "Thank you for being compliant."

After twenty minutes, they were parked under the overhead of the center's main entrance. Alaynah told Paul goodbye and shut the door behind her.

She read the sign above, North Star Medical Center, before thinking what a peculiar name but now she liked the sound of it. From the pamphlet she got from Leonardo, she expected this hospital to look tiny. But as she stood outside, it was massive. Even though in height it was shorter than Columbia's Medical Center, the width had no comparison.

The hospital looked beautiful with big windows reflecting the snow and blue sky. As she had done for many years, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This would be the last time until tomorrow that she breathed such calming air. She opened her eyes and walked in through the automatic doors. Instantly, she was hit with the smell of lavender and strong cleaning agents. Interesting. She was waiting for the pungent smells of disinfectant, body odor, gauze, saturations of alcohol, and sometimes even death. Yes, you can smell death. In New York, hundreds or thousands of patients came and went every day, so these smells were common to her. But the smell here was new and very welcoming, almost too welcoming.

As she walked to the front desk, she asked for a map. It was always important for her to get a look at her new battleground. Quite quickly, she realized the maternity level was on floor one... along with the ICU? Her stomach tanked. Back home, the ICU had an entire floor to themselves, and maternity and women's health had an entire floor to themselves. Who would want to have someone dying in one room while someone's giving birth in the next? She decided to take a couple more deep breaths. It would be best to have an open mind instead of judging rather hastily.

Looking at her watch, she realized she had five minutes before she was late. She tried reading all the signs hanging above her, and then she saw the word "elevator." She ran until she got to the elevator, and fortunately, as she caught her breath, nurses and people were exiting. Once she got in, she pressed one and waited for the doors to close. When they did, she looked in the elevator mirror, making sure her hair was still in its bun and her scrubs weren't crushed in her reflection.

Once she finished checking her appearance, she stood back and popped a spearmint gum in. No one wants coffee breath. The doors opened to the elevator, and she exited, putting her gum away in her bag. When she looked up, almost immediately she stepped back in shock. Why are there so many eyes staring back at me?