Just Yu Jimin writing something inside her diary, as she holds in her heartbreak.

WARNING: Prepare tissue if necessary.
TW - Suicide

// converted //

Hi! I'm Yu Jimin, and I am an ENFP.

That means that I'm really a friendly, energetic person. I speak based on feelings and initiative. In conclusion, I'm an understanding person. Trust me with that, and I'm proud to be an ENFP.

Also, hey! Since this stupid coronavirus started like two years ago, I've never had that many chances to meet my friends. So yeah, that's when online platforms became more effective to all people around the world including me.

Also, I only talked to my friends through online platforms since we cannot meet in person. It was boring actually, because talking online sometimes led to misunderstanding and loneliness because we couldn't feel that much emotion in it.

But, hey! I do have some friends online. Not that we met in person before, but we met each other from an online platform. Some were online friends of mine for three years, some for more than four years, and some were less than that.

We somehow formed an online group of friends with four people in it, dreaming of being a girl group, LOL. There's Aeri, Minjeong, and Ningning.

We were pretty close with each other. Even tho we never met each other in real life, we could feel our friendship here, on the online platform. Sometimes we used to make video calls or voice calls. But still, from all of them, I'm the closest one to Minjeong.

Her full name is Kim Minjeong. We've met online and befriended for almost four years? or three years? I don't remember, but yeah. That's how long we know each other.

Talking about Kim Minjeong, she's different from me. She's an ISTP. She always said that she was introverted as hell when she met new people face to face. People always look strangely at her like she's some sort of criminal or something, so she didn't manage to have lots of friends. That's what she said to me tho. But it's not the case when it comes to online platforms.

She seems bubbly and funny all the time. She always sends stickers and memes whenever we are chatting in KaTalk. Her chats were hilarious and savage as hell. She often speaks about hilarious things that don't make sense at all. I like the way she talks.

Knowing her all these years, yeah I admit that she is hilarious. But at the same time I do know, she hid so many things from me. Even tho we've been friends for so long, I know there's a dark secret inside her.

She was always depressed, and I couldn't understand her at all. She always talks about wanting to meet her friends happily, but couldn't manage or never met one. Her hilarious and bizarre chat sometimes looked desperate for attention, and I couldn't understand what she trying to say to me.

Minjeong always says that she desperately wanted to meet me but didn't have the chance to do so. So do I. I really want to meet her, but I'm so busy with my daily life. Work, studies, and stuff.

Since I'm the only girl in my family, I need to help my mother with her business. I have an older sister. But she's working out of the country, leaving only me, mom, and dad at home. What can I do? I have to help my parents at home.

Minjeong's life was pretty similar to mine. She has an older brother. Only is that her older brother is currently in the military service. While Minjeong only continuing her studies online at this moment, she's the only child at home.

Minjeong wasn't like me who rarely touched my phone, I think Minjeong was with her phone 24/7. Her phone never leaves her! or maybe she never leave her phone. If I ever chat with her or call her, she will reply it less than five seconds. Isn't that amazing?

She often said that she is lonely. I understand how she feels. Always lonely when no one or their families are around. They only feel complete if they have a friend to talk to. So that's maybe why Minjeong is always on her phone 24/7. Maybe she really needs someone to talk to every single day.

Minjeong was different from any friends I know in this world. She's the only human being in this damn earth that I can flirt with. It doesn't mean we are in that kind of relationship or what. It's just that, only with her that we can talk to each other sweetly like a newlywed. I only can do that to her tho, shamelessly. If I do that to my other friend, I might even kill myself for being too cringy.

So yeah! Now you know my top online friend that I treasure the most, Kim Minjeong.

But.

Do you know the reason why I talk about her right now?

You don't know, right?

Actually...

I feel pain.

I feel regret.

I feel guilty.

Minjeong died two weeks ago.

She killed herself.

She drank a homemade poison she made herself at home.

I...

I-I...........

I loved her so much.

Yet she left me first.

Before her death...

She sent me a chat, that I only read 5 hours after it was sent to me.

I feel so lonely. Could you mind talking to me for a moment?

That's what she said in her last chat that I've never replied to, leading to her death.

Her family said to me that they actually never thought that Minjeong was capable of doing something like that.

I thought...

I thought she was a bubbly girl.

But her family said themselves that she was often quiet at home, never spoke much, always answering with short words, and never said any of her problems to 'em.

So all this time,

Her loneliness is real.

I never thought this could happen.

I never thought she would do this.

All this time I thought she only said that she was lonely because she wanted attention from me.

Because she was an introvert.

But the truth is...

She's in darkness.

She needs help.

She needs someone to talk to.

Yet I, the person she always said she cherished the most wasn't there when she needed me the most.

This wasn't the first time she said she was lonely.

She always said that she was lonely, and I always said to her that being lonely isn't that bad because you have your personal space and time to be alone.

But I guess I'm wrong.

I don't understand what loneliness is.

Loneliness is far beyond lonely.

And I'm stupid enough to not understand it even tho she said to me countless times already.

This is all my fault.

I always replied to her sudden chat late.

It wasn't just for hours. Sometimes I would reply to her chats for days.

I feel so guilty.

I don't know that she barely holding her life back, waiting for my replies.

She left a written note as her final words on her study table, and that's making my heart more painful than ever.

Why is everybody so quiet?
Please look at me.
Please talk to me.
I'm so lonely.

Revealing the truth that she actually sending messages to everyone she knows inside the online platform, but no one gives her an answer.

Including me.

Revealing the counseling meeting card she met and hid secretly.

Revealing all her suicidal thoughts inside her 'one person Katalk group chat' inside her phone.

Revealing how desperate she is just to meet a friend.

Just to meet, a friend.

She's dying to meet her friends.

She wanted to talk to them.

But no one does.

Including me.

I feel so stupid all these years.

I should hold my phone more.

This event will haunt me for the rest of my life.

If only I replied to her chats that day...

Just, if only I replied to her chat that day...

Will she be alive right now?

I'm sorry, Minjeong.

You are really someone special to me.

More precious than my friends and family.

But I made you go.

Now I'm never proud of being an ENFP.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Jimin put her pen down as she shed tears on her diary, holding the teddy bear Minjeong once mailed to her close.

"I'm sorry..."

_____________________

[[ ENFP ]]
END