dinner was not a big event.

the spices in my tofu masala were actually pretty good. i didn't wash it down with water because i had a perfectly good coke that i was saving to open.

i rip the garlic naan bread apart to scoop up the remnants of the potent orangey-red sauce.

the smell of it reminded me that i went days without eating. i wasn't hungry then but sitting down with the bowel in front of me i was starving. it was like i couldn't get enough in my mouth fast enough before my hand could shovel. 

"is that stuff any good?" brian turns to me and asks.

i stuff my mouth full. "ah-huh." i say not really in the mood to share.

sleep came faster than expected. although what happened next did throw me in a loop.

before i went to bed each night i wondered if i would see toby. after weeks of not hearing from him in my dreams i pretty much just about gave up on that hope. 

however seeing him right in front of me right now i couldn't stay mad. all that anger i held on to naturally deflated once i saw him, leaving my usual sarcastic self to fill its place.

ok so i wasn't good at having intimate connection but i was working on it.  

"i don't now if i should be flattered or disturbed." i tell toby. 

honestly. it was just a matter of time until i saw toby in one of my dreams. although a social call would have been sufficient and probably much more appropriate.

tobys suave hair was slicked back exposing his dapper face. there was a tiny rosebud scar on his forehead temple. the new growth of skin healed perfectly with just a tinge of pink around the edges. he was an angel who could get hurt, duly noted. 

tobys hands were in his pocket. an impressive silver watch on his wrist. "yeah, well, i wanted to make sure you were all right." 

i grimace suppressing a deep sigh when the masculine scent of his cologne drifted past me in waves. my smirk turns into a blown out smile when i realized we were alone. 

"this little habit of yours has become inconvenient. and a little uncomfortable." i say feeling disgusted that yet again he pictured me as some frilly girl. *sigh*  when was he going to learn that i was more of a jeans and t-shirt person. 

well, at least i didn't have any heels on. that was one satisfying thought. 

toby looks at me confused. "are you saying you don't like the dress?" appreciating the material his icy blue eyes filtered across the racy fabric that tiered down exposing the crevice of my breast and the skin of my upper stomach.    

i was at a loss for words. 

on one hand, i didn't want to be rude since toby did go out of his way for me but at the same time, and know one knew this about me, but i was a girl who longed for cheesy ordinary romantic things without stirring complication like star gazing during late night walks, and getting flowers just because.

sure i was hell bent on protecting my friends no matter what the cost but on the inside, somewhere deep-seated, i enjoyed classic fairy tale stories.

i snort. "like it? why can't i ever wear something, i dunno, less flashy." was the word that came out of my mind. 

toby snaps his fingers and presto. "there." he says smiling in satisfaction.

i pick at the v-neck floor length dress. it was better. i had to admit the color was nice.

i look up and grin.

toby was moody at times but he did put in the effort to be nice when i was around. it was silly, but it i felt special wearing it. toby did things for me that no one else would think of.

toby reaches out for my hand. "you're jittery. why?"

i flinch when he tries moving in closer to me. "are you sure no one can hear us?" i ask him pretending not to notice the confusion written on his face when i don't let him touch me. 

for some reason i couldn't stop thinking about wesley and the dance we shared.

Toby continues trying to make me feel better. "don't worry about it. rider doesn't have a connection to enter your dreams." 

i try to look happy but my smile falters. toby could enter my dreams but he had no way of knowing what i was thinking. 

toby raises an eyebrow. "whats the matter?"  he asks me grabbing for me. 

i throw my hands in the air clearly surprising him. "you! i dont know what you're doing but this isn't funny." how could he honestly not see what he was doing to me? was it all just a game to him? 

i didn't know how toby felt because he never said. the worst part was that i knew what it felt like for our bodies to be close. 

rightfully so Toby looks perplexed about going near me. "you dont have to feel scared if that's what this is about. i already told you Rider cant break in."

when he takes a step closer i back away from him. "now you're telling me what and how to feel?!" i was angry but i wasn't angry at him. it wasn't his fault that i felt this way. it wasn't his fault that he didn't want me. 

tobys mouth contorts into a thin line. his eyes hardened. his face stonelike. "no. thats not what im saying." toby runs a hand through his hair and sighs. "this-this is coming out wrong." he says looking straight ahead.

i try not to laugh. "i'll say."

in order to crush the ice i awkwardly give him a sideways hug to make him feel better. Even now, after the way he'd treated me, I couldn't shake how wonderful it had felt being in his arms like that. In general, I never liked being touched or being close to people, but I loved the way I had felt with him.

His hand was strong and warm on the small of my back and the soft heat that flowed from him. When he had looked at me then, so sincerely, I had thought.....

"im happy now that you're here." i whisper to myself. 

i was too embarrassed to tell him in his arms i felt safe and comforted. it was like in that moment nothing could have ruined what i knew to be true. he might not have said it right out loud but that was okay. all that mattered was that i knew.

"stop it." toby says grinning down at me. "now you're doing that thing where you tell me how im feeling before i can tell you myself." he mumbles embarrassed.

i grin. "i'm sorry. i didn't mean to." i hug toby back not caring about keeping distance. 

uh-oh. i knew i was in big trouble when it disappointed me that it wasn't an i-like-you hug more like lets-keep-each-other-warm.

i hide my content when toby wraps his long arms around my tiny waist. i didn't like who i was turning into. 

outside of my dreams i could push down what i felt because so much was going on at once but now it was just the two of us. we were alone and i had no idea what came next. 

not wanting my fantasies to end i inconspicuously lay my head on his chest. he was much taller than me. besides, thats what friends did, right? "toby, whats really going on?" although it was nice to see him again i could tell he was not back for good. 

there were so many questions i had. primarily, where he was in the days leading to masons funeral.

toby lets go of me. "i lied before." 

i could see frustration brewing through his stare. i couldn't hide my shame. my cheeks brewed rose wine red. he knew and he was trying to let me down gently. could anything be more embarrassing? 

"i need you to understand." toby implores sighing. 

i shook my head. no. i didn't want to hear it. i tried telling him that he didn't need to say anything that i understood but toby kept on.

"but of course this was the only way i could do it." i get antsy as he starts to slip away. 

i run after toby beginning him to stay with me not caring how foolish i sounded.

even if i couldn't have toby i needed him. he was my lighthouse. i would stop criticizing his need for impression jumping if thats what his leaving was about. it wasn't even a big deal.

"trust me, it had to be this way." his voice said. 

morning came and i woke up in my bed feeling unbelievably sore. its no wonder angels rarely impression jump. it left me lethargic and heavy. 

when the pain wore off i was reminded how death was far from pointless. it only has meaning specific because it has end. thus death forced people to live. ending death means ending life. it would throw out the whole cosmic design. 

yeah it was sad that mason was gone and everything but i had people in my life who still made me smile when i didn't feel like myself and laugh. 

while toby went off on his own danika stayed behind to help me learn how to fight with magic and joshua only stuck around to hassle his twin about it. it got so bad that by the time we were done danika was threatening to strangle us both. -a couple of times she used her magic against me to purposefully make me choke.   

as for wesley, well, lets just say kira is giving him a run for his money, at least thats what joshua says. 

i was spending more and more time with the angels. after school i would go to the headmistresses office which was more like a "lair" and danika would begin barking her orders.