before i knew it one song had blended into another and then another. I gave up trying to keep track of time or how close their bodies were or how many guys had reached out to caress me in passing seeing as how they were playful and drunk. 

the guy had laughed and told me I was overreacting.

I was interested to hear the guys voice began to slur.

he grinned sloppily and shook his head. he just wanted to have fun and he wasn't into me anyways.

I shrugged it off. good for me.

I moved with the music and thought of nothing else but leaving until I saw hands behind his head holding him in place. curious, i stayed and caught sight of a tongue darting out and curving around his earlobe.

the guys eyes fell to half-mast. the French tip manicured hands on his stomach had slipped below the waistband of his shorts, gently combing through the sparse hair of his treasure trail.

wide eyed and still grinning, he turned around and put his hands on the blondes ass, pinching it.

i watched the lovely bow head bopper as the guy licked her neck while running his fingernails over her glitter skin.

I was getting out of here.

saw the highlights but there was going to be no full show. no way the guy was getting any tonight. pretty hard to do in a long evening dress, don't you think?

they were both getting worked up and watching them even though i had no reason to made me feel ashamed and humiliated.

all around me couples danced. 

guys with girls, girls gyrating and shaking their booties with equally free loving girls, sometimes frenetic, sometimes more sexual in their movements, but I had to give them credit for obviously having a good time. 

sometimes they would shout out lyrics to a popular song, or send up loud whoops when certain beats rumbled through the floor. masons guy was legit and even though I was still trying to find my way out, the music had seized control of my body.

when a cocktail server danced through the crowd offering jello shots in large plastic syringes I obligingly opened my mouth for a shot of lime Jell-O laced with tequila while the people around me cheered.

that knot pushed farther into my throat taking over who i was.

chaotic confusing thoughts bounced against my skull crashing into one another until they were a tangling mass equal to that of my chest. with short heaving breaths i couldn't find the air or appear to hear anything because suddenly someone was grinding on me. 

a half deranged chuckle exploded from my throat and i almost slapped my hand over my mouth. 

"excuse me."

moments passed much like that one which had allowed me to be grateful for my fundamentally non-existent lifestyle. I preferred to be in quiet surroundings. eating my grandmas cookies and reading in the library was much more my pace.

this this was girls gone wild, a weekend in tampa, florida all booze no water thank you. 

a brunette in short pink overalls passed me by. she took one look at me and made her way through the crowd. the fresh makeup meant her night was just getting started whereas I had plans elsewhere.

like a gravitational pull something caught my direct attention. on a beat I turned my head around and stared at the same place the brunette had just come from.

i didn't really know why i was looking in that particular direction or what i was looking at, just that some unknown force had occupied my ability to move and apparently think clearly, because during the span of time that my attention shifted from the brunette I had already been walking.

I passed by an open table of food that no one touched because they'd been too occupied filling their stomachs with a different kind of liquid.

my feet veered around two giggling friends who hadn't seen where they were going as I passed by a moving jar of meds that had been roaming from corner to corner since the beginning. 

brain still fuzzy, i guided myself through the maze and as if the path were made for me, i cut across where the line of people had started and stepped right out the door.

i walked out because i needed fresh air that didn't reek of cum and soiled perspiration. 

the dorm was on the first floor so i didn't have to go far. now i knew what primary status looked like. it made me frown to think that i was going from what had turned out to be crazy beyond my expectations to seeing Rebecca.

astonishingly it was quiet. 

to my surprise the noise didn't trail after me beyond the door. mason had sound proofed walls. somehow after the night i just had, that didn't surprise me in the least.

by far it was less crowded with few couples sticking behind from the actual party to enjoy alone time since it was feasibly impossible to achieve once inside.

i left chanel without saying a word. when she was ready i felt confident that she would find me no problem.

i shoved my hand deep inside my pocket and followed the beaten track walking on the zigzag cobblestones that had lured me up a relatively small hill dominating a remarkable view of trees with wide limbs that extended out and connected to one another like a slinky. 

granted it wasn't much of a scenery in terms of looks. what really got to me was the silence.

I didn't have time to inwardly conceptualize and process I was so overwhelmed by the entire picture to even think. which was a good thing. coming out mentally from my own erratic turbulent perceptions of what I was doing here in stark house was exactly just the thing I needed to reboot.

nature had always called to me. the simple act of watching leaves float in the wind was so calming. 

observing without listing nouns the length of a magicians handkerchief was heart centering and firmly put me back in my own two feet so that i could better make decisions.

for certain i could say nature was alive and despite climate changes thriving in the present.

the grey sky was developing into a darling shade of obsidian right before my eyes. 

i dared to admit simply observing nature to be enchanting. 

light that cast down from the moon grew brighter, drawing attention to my location for unsuspecting romantics close by. certainly this was a good spot for two people in love who were looking for some place more comfortable to sit. 

not for someone who was deliberating her next move.

wanting something more secluded I took a walk in the night. 

the hill behind me, i came to see toby physically unmoving, his shoulder connected with a tree stump. 

whatever he was thinking about enabled complete awareness of his general surroundings which gave me leeway to do the unthinkable. 

i was pretty sure all bets were off and he would leave his pose at the tree once he saw me but I was still on an energy high and I didn't exactly have anything better to do.

not that I thought he was up to no good because everyone misplaced toby but I could see straight into him. right now he was vulnerable and off guard and, dare I say it, I wanted to know what that toby was like. 

maybe it wouldn't change things. 

maybe my simple curious nature would make things worse. 

but here we were, two people having a thought-provoking moment and it just seemed like a waste to me if we didn't connect in the middle.

the reaction was automatic and thinking it was an opportunity that i couldn't possibly neglect i leave the sidewalk and put one foot on the solid platform of grass. 

I grimaced. well, I couldn't very well go back now. 

but maybe toby wasn't going to react like I had hoped he would and I ended up feeling stupid. my eyes seemed to search for toby and when he didn't look back I made the decision for myself. 

looking down i maneuvered around patches of snow that would give way to my position if I stepped on them.

the tree was by far the largest in size and height. it loomed over me but what had really caught my eye was the boy who hadn't bothered to check if anyone was around. 

his breathing was even, so he wasn't freaking out or anything.

after a moderate number of silence I had considered it a good sign when toby hadn't moved at my sudden approach.

I took a deep breathe and slowly walked over to say hi, sensing he appeared more wore down than usual.