JANUARY

weeks and still no word from toby or wesley.

for two people who supposedly didn't get along they sure booked an odd time for a getaway together. while they forgot about me i was at starkhouse trying not to go stir crazy. 

for whatever reason kira stayed behind. not that i wasn't grateful for the company. the aftershock of masons death calmed down somewhat. after the official report circulated that his body was found masons name was never mentioned again. nobody talked about him nobody seemed to care that a starkhouse student was brutally mauled on campus. it was as if Mason Maxwell the third never existed. 

"perfect location. the booze. all we need are some hot chicks." i hear Josh say with plenty enthusiasm enough for a football team.

"what do you say, aislin?" brian nudges me on the shoulder.

i was in my own world again thinking myself to insanity. "i'm sorry." i laugh breathlessly even though i was somewhat confused. "i'm missing something aren't i?" i ask interjecting a sincere apology.

tasha rolls her eyes and huffs. "not that you would know but there's a party." she says bitterly. 

"oh. i see." i hear myself say out loud.

mya smiles sweetly. "its just that, you know, you've been a little spacey lately sweety. by the way, i totally get why you wouldn't want to come." if she was bothered that kira sat with us during lunch she didn't say. nor did i care to ask for her permission.

i grin apologetically. "right. actually, i do have a lot of homework to catch up on. sorry i can't make it." i lie completely ignoring the face kira made in response.

She of all people knew how important it was for me to stick with my schedule. without it i wouldn't be able to do much.

"we meet in the library?" i tell kira as was our customary arrangement. the boys were gone and it was just me and kira. somehow we'd made the arrangement without actually making it. it was comforting to know that she was still here with me when everyone else left me behind. 

when she didn't answer right away i got curious as to why.

"actually i have other plans." kira says all of a sudden.

Pushing my fork aside i look up from my plate feeling pale. "oh yeah like what?" i ask her.

what i didn't expect was for kira to get so worked up.

kira sighs rolling her eyes. "i do have other friends you know. i said yes that i wanted to hang out with them only because i knew you wouldn't mind." abruptly kira stands up grabbing her fruit peel and turns to leave.

yes i do mind. but i didn't say that. there was no point in making her feel bad. "I don't mind. go have fun." i force myself to smile even though i didn't feel like it.

being in the library wasn't the same. i used to do well knowing that soon i could disappear in a book for a couple of hours. not wanting to relive memories i shared with mason i didn't go near the spot we used to meet up for lunch. knowing it was available for use was like a punch in my gut simultaneously twisting both intestines on a massive scale to the point where i felt like throwing up.

so while kira hung out with her friends i opted to stay in my dorm room that way i could wear sweats in peace without having to justify the stains. as usual homework proved a smart distraction. instead of just reading a new chapter the professor also gave us a thick packet that came with either choice of essay.

suddenly my life became more about keeping up with academics than ever before. i was never that serious about my grades and it felt good when i got tests back with an eighty percentile or better. 

Weeks past and i hardly saw kira. other than having a few classes together she barely said a word to me besides that one time i saw her in the hallway. i didn't know what to think. i figured she was spending time with other friends, the same ones she'd ditched me for in place of going to the library.

Good thing for daily structure as it proved to be the number one essential component in helping me withstand such extreme change.

FEBUARY

i grab my pillow in a tight clutch hoping to get comfortable. i nearly gave up on sleeping when gradually my lids closed shut.

"you deserve so much better." were his first words to me in months. 

i smile up at him. "wesley. is that really you?" i touch his cheek knowing only in a dream would he allow me to get that close.

wesley turned his face to one side. "wake up and come meet me by the gate." he walks away from me without further explanation.

"wait!" i yell for him to come back. when that didn't work i run after wesley hoping to make him stop.

as wesley leaves his voice warps lower. "hurry. we don't have much time." he tells me urgently.

i wake up focused and alert.

there was no time for a quick change of wardrobe. i throw on my coat without bothering to button it up and tie my shoelaces running out the hall.

i wondered if wesley didn't impression jump like i first thought. maybe it was just a regular dream.

i look ahead of me in the dark. it was just me standing outside in the cold. i was so certain that his need to see me was urgent and real I never thought to think twice about it. before wesley left in my dream i should have asked him where i would find him. just to make sure he wasn't anywhere on campus i walk past the quad near the front gate in case he was waiting for me there.

and wouldn't you know it to my surprise he was standing alone with no toby in sight.

eager to say 'hi' i run up behind him. "i'm so glad to see you." i say not believing my eyes.

his body was stiff like he didn't want to be hugged. "is something wrong?" i ask when he didn't respond back. i finally had wesley in front of me and for some reason he was pushing me away.

wesley clears his throat forcing my arms down in a rough grip. "official business." he says.

the way he spoke to me was cruel and insensitive.

he takes a step back from me.