guys this is kinda weird because i don't do these before chapters that much because it looks kinda ugly but if ure reading pls comment ur reactions ik a lot of u don't like to because it ruins ur flow and i get it but sometimes i'm just low on motivation and ur comments help out a lot <3

«broken ties and haunting pasts»

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"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, LISSA?" Kaz was livid, his anger always seemed quiet to Lissa, like disappointed glances and snide remarks here and there, his voice would never be raised, no, but apparently the one thing Lissa can make people do is act out of character. Lissa, however, was not herself — Parem had taken a toll on her body and her mind, she was a thousand different people at once, and yet she felt like she didn't exist. Lissa stared ahead without saying a single thing, she wasn't sure what Kaz was actually talking about, as of this moment, she was too unfocused, thinking of all the things happening around her — how the window was creaking ever so slightly because of the loose hinge, the tap was leaking through tiny drops, she could hear a bee somewhere buzzing around her.

"Lissa, look at me, damn it!" Kaz's cane slammed down right beside Lissa and she jumped, she was too busy noticing everything else to know this was happening, and yeah, she may have taken more than a single needle tip's worth today. Then just for a second Kaz's rough voice turned tender, he looked at his sister with regret in his eyes, "What did you do?"

"I did what was needed, Kaz," Lissa rolled her eyes at her older brother who did not seem to appreciate her unbothered tone, "I need it to function well, and for this plan to go well. We need this for Pekka's downfall."

"And what after?"

"Who cares?" Lissa says with a wild smile, "Kaz, this is all we've been working towards for years, after this, I'll free Maya and you can find Inej's family like we planned? Jesper can meet his Da again, Nina will get her man back for sure, but I just don't care to stick around for those parts... you won't even need me anymore."

"So, what? You'll just kill yourself after?" Kaz leans forward and Lissa immediately backs away to avoid contact, she had been avoiding touches recently, because all of her senses were so heightened, she felt every touch a little more, and every time someone's hand touched her burning body, it felt cold — it felt like his hand was grabbing her, ready to drag her down with him and maybe after all this she'd go willingly.

"I'm dying either way, Kaz," Lissa's smile quieted down as she stared at her brother, a regretful smile taking place of it instead, "You didn't see those victims, the parem... it destroyed them. Their skin, their hair, their eyes... they were all missing parts of themselves. I don't know how I survived the first time around, maybe the dosage was off, or maybe because of my bad luck, the world decided I should suffer, whatever it was, I know I'm not making out of this alive."

"Like hell you aren't," Kaz snarls at her Lissa backs away a little more, "I will drag you back from the land of the dead by your ears if I have to."

Lissa burst out laughing at that, he sounded so much like Da, of course, she doesn't quite remember much of him — he wasn't a very present figure in their life, always floating around them, especially from Lissa, Jordie said it was because Da was still hurting and Lissa looked like their Mom. She remembers one day she'd ended up spilling milk all over the table trying to pour a glass for Jordie, trying to prove she was all grown up, but the milk container was too heavy and she lost her hold. Her Da came in at that moment and he yelled at her, he pulled her ear and Lissa didn't mind it, she let him do it with a smile on her face because this was the first time her Da spoke to her in years.

Lissa hugged her Da that day, he hugged her back, just as tight and she clung to him all day hanging on to him by wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his torso, he held her too, he read her a story and kissed her head at night and made a thousand promises and the next day, he was gone.

Lissa hadn't exactly mourned her Da, she'd mourned the Da she could've had.

Jordie used to tell her that too, you better finish up that milk, Liz, or I'll pull your ears until you finish up, Lissa would pass Kaz her irresistible puppy dog eyes and he'd pretend to be annoyed, roll his eyes and finish up her glass too.

"Kaz, I love you, but I can't walk away from this," Lissa says, the smile still just as present on her face as it was when she'd laughed a few seconds ago, "You... you will do alright, you are strong, you are ambitious, you... you have Inej." He slants his head at her, a dangerous glare on his face, "And Jesper, and Nina and Wylan, I can tell they're about to stick around. You will do alright. So, why don't we move on, yeah? I am pretty hungry, do we have time to get anything to eat by any chance? I could go for a—"

Lissa paused when she saw the drawer she'd stuffed the rest of the parem into had been ransacked and cleared of all of it, she trembled and panic ran through her body, no, no, no, no, no, she can't make it through without parem. She can't do it! She can barely make it through a day without two needle tip's worth.

"What did you do?" Lissa searched through the other drawers frantically, the smile completely gone from her face as she turned the whole thing upside down, "Kaz, what the fuck did you do?" she sounded desperate as she looked around the whole room, any trace of parem would calm her down. All she needed was a single bag and she'd be fine.

"I got rid of it." Kaz said at once and expected Lissa to deal with it.

"You fucking asshole!" Lissa charged forward and this time Kaz backed away, both siblings staring at each other with rage, "What? You think you're doing me some sort of favour? Is that it? You think you're saving me, Kaz? Because you're just so good at that? Give me the parem, I'm not joking around, I need it!"

"I buried it. It's gone." Kaz said to her with a snarl.

"Why?" The question was simple, the answer was not. Lissa asked him, her anger melted and it's place was... well, what was left in her? Anger was tiring, and the sadness was always there, it had been there inside of her for years to the point where even that seemed to heavy to bear, just like the armor she'd placed outside her body, so, what was she now? Was she simply an echo? An echo of a single yell that was about to die out soon.

Kaz stared at her, how would he tell her that he could not bear the thought of losing her, his little sister. The only reason he'd pushed and pushed and pushed for years, the reason he was still here. The reason for whatever twisted happiness he had. Every time he looked at Lissa he remembered what he had to do. He just wanted her to know it, but Kaz was still Kaz, and the armor was heavy and all bulk, between them, creating a gap so thick that nothing made it's way past to their hearts.

"I can't have you messing up the mission." Kaz said to her, "You've been out of focus lately, keep your eyes on the prize and we will make it through."

"Fuck you." Lissa did something she'd never in her life thought she'd do, something that pained her just as much as it did Kaz, she leaned forward, and grabbed her brother's face in her hands, pressing hard, everything in her body was weak, but her thoughts were not, she got taken back to that night and felt like she was being pushed into the water over and over again, "From the bottom of my heart, fuck you. You're a piece of shit for a brother, I mean, what did I really want, Kaz? Revenge?" Kaz fought against her grip, but for the life of him he could not hurt her, so he tried to push her off but she had a crazy strength with her hold, "No, I was six, all I wanted was love, all I wanted was someone to hold me through all the bad dreams, wipe my tears away, and what did I get?" Lissa scoffed, her eyes blank and Kaz saw her for who she was for the first time — Devileyes.

"Lissa, let go of me." Kaz had almost retched.

Lissa's grip only tightened on his cheeks, "I got a sorry excuse of a brother who couldn't even look at me in the eyes for the next year, much less touch me." she tilted her head at him, "I think we should change that, don't you? How about a hug?" she wrapped her arms around her brother, making sure she touched whatever skin she could and when she leaned away, she whispered in his ear, "After this, you and me? We're fucking done. You won't be my brother and I sure as hell won't be your sister. Have a good life, huh?"

Two pats on his cheek and with that she was gone. Kaz immediately curled his fist, his skin so pale that his veins seemed like they were painted on vibrantly, he grabbed whatever part of his skin he could, feeling the leather press against it. He sank to the floor and spilled whatever was inside him on the floor.

Lissa was not any better, she made her way out of the tomb shaking and shivering, her eyes would not stop letting her tears fall without her permission and she couldn't wait two seconds before she threw herself on the floor and emptied her guts out.

LISSA HAD SOME UNFINISHED BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF. Lissa walked inside the warehouse, the light was dimmed but not enough for her to not be able to tell things apart, she was tired and she would not be fought against any longer, before going she'd make sure she left no one who ever wronged her alive. She was weak, shivering just a tiny bit and she was wearing a cheap pair of gloves she'd bought as a temporary measure. She'd grabbed a sledgehammer, as her usual defense was of no use these days, but Lissa had gotten by many days without her powers and she'd become devileyes before she'd been a squallor, before she'd met Maya and she'd taught her all the things she had.

"Anybody home?" Lissa said with a smirk when she heard a few people moving around, her sledge hammer broke an oil lantern and the oil fell down to the ground, the flame caught it and lit the floor on fire, "Oops, my bad, should've hit the other one too."

The first thing that came hurtling towards her was a gunshot, but her dose of Parem would last at least a whole day. She dodged it, and threw the sledgehammer at the shooter, it smashed the skull of the young man in half, and Lissa smiled proudly at herself, yeah, she'd still got it. The next person to attack Lissa came from behind her, grabbing her hair and throwing her on the ground, she grabbed his knee and made it buckle, he fell to his knees and Lissa took that opportunity to grab the knife the man had tied to his belt and slit his throat with it.

Lissa made her way to the first man she'd crushed with her sledgehammer, she grabbed her weapon and made it inside the warehouse, a bit deeper into the building, that was where she hit jackpot. There were dozens of men just lazing around in there but there were women there too — women tied to chairs that looked sick and weak, no doubt tired after their dose of Parem. Lissa let out a whistle, a signal to get to them to wake, in a way, she almost felt bad for them. They weren't ready to face her but, oh, well.

All of them made their way to her at once, but Lissa was powered by pure rage today, she didn't care for the names they called her, how they told her to get out or how they reached for the weapons tied to their chests, she swung her hammer at whatever she saw in front of her. There were about twenty men hurtling towards her at once, she didn't have the time to look for their tells but she knew they saw hers — a sick seventeen year old girl. Someone grabbed her about to plunge a knife into her abdomen, when she reached her hands out blindly for their face, poking her fingers deep inside their eyes and drawing blood, she grabbed her hammer off the floor next and another man was sent to the floor with his skull broken.

Lissa took a lot of hits, but she'd gotten her licks in too. At one point, two men had grabbed her and the third had made his way over to her with a knife yet again but Lissa was relentless, she freed her legs and swung at the man in front of her first, he fell to the floor and in that freed Lissa just a bit, she got enough space to snatch her hands back and grab her hammer yet again, this time she hit one of them and the other one was hit by the first man himself.

Lissa grabbed the gun off the holder once, she was a terrible shot — Jesper had tried to teach her and she'd failed until she learned she could use the air to maneuver the bullets wherever she wanted, she thought Jesper understood how that happened but he never said a word so she didn't say anything either, he'd simply clapped her on the back and she'd taken it with a smile.

Lissa started shooting, she missed a lot but the men were dead soon enough. Now, all that was left were the women tied to the chairs — Lissa made her way to one of them, the one who looked the least worse of them all.

"Ma'am, can you hear me, at all?" Lissa asked, she knelt down to the floor and untied the rope that was keeping the woman down, "Are you alright? Do you need anything? Is there any way I can help you?"

"Please..." Lissa heard the woman whisper and paused in her steps, "Please, let me go... I cannot bear it anymore, let me go." the woman started sobbing and Lissa steeled herself.

"What do you need me to do?"

"Free us."

Lissa had asked every single one of them — what do you need? All of them answered with a single word — death. She'd taken thirty-five lives that day. No reason to mourn their lives today. She only mourned their deaths, wishing she could've given them something painless instead.