«is it a weakness to be weak?»

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LISSA FELT HELL. She wasn't quite sure people could feel hell, but today, she didn't care much for logic, she'd survived almost the whole day on a high but now she was coming down from it and it hurt. She couldn't believe that this was her, just a week ago, she was perfectly fine, she took many things for granted but now... she could barely do anything. She hadn't been able to use her powers at all either, today she'd tried with the bubbles in the water but the bubbles were so weak they were barely even there. She hated feeling this way, she'd spent her entire life on this Earth doing everything in her power to make sure that she would never feel the way she did again... powerless, and yet she felt exactly that.

Again, with her back turned to her brother on the terrace she licked the top of her pinky, dipping it in the powder to get as little as she could and put it on her tongue. May the universe provide her enough strength to watch Pekka's downfall. After that, she wasn't quite sure she herself wanted to stick around either. There was not much she found desirable these days.

Lissa felt the similar sensation run through her body again, rushing from her head to her toes and she relaxed. All her muscles that hurt before now seemed to hum with power, ready to pounce. Ready to prey. Lissa was a force to be reckoned with and she would make sure that anyone in her path was knocked down so hard they'd never dream of getting back up again.

"Are we ready?" Lissa asked now, her eyes hungry and Kaz nodded — he looked at her a bit too long for her comfort but soon the siblings set their plan in motion. Sometimes, no matter how hard the rest of the world deemed them when it came to be able to communicate to them, Lissa and Kaz worked in sync without even uttering a single word. Talking in mere glances and head movements.

"Here, take this rope now," Kaz tells her and Inej as he hands it to them, "Lissa, I trust that you don't need it?"

Shit. Kaz expected Lissa to use her powers to climb down like she used to before, but how could she explain to him that she couldn't do that anymore?

"I was thinking I would be the lookout instead?" Lissa said to him as Kaz wrapped the rope around himself tightly, he gave the rope a tug and Inej nodded at him. He squinted his eyes just the tiniest bit at that. Lissa always admired the amount of trust Kaz had in Inej and so did she, but the way Kaz trusted her to hang him off a building knowing that's the way he once broke his knee was... admirable. She wished those two would just get together.

"We have Inej on the lookout already." Kaz said.

"Not on the bottom floor, Nina will only be there so long, it's better if I'm there. Just to make sure no one gets in." Lissa explained in a hurry as time was clicking. Not having enough time to bother her with many questions Kaz nodded. He didn't need her for this part anyway.

Lissa immediately made her way to the ground, she would need to start coming up with ways to explain these things to Kaz. She couldn't hide it forever, her powers provided the team the subtle help they needed whenever they needed it and without having her powers to fall back on, they'd have to change a few things around. She hid behind the building instead. Just for a little bit. Lissa looked around, would it be too much if she took some again?

"That's her," Lissa heard a voice say and she was on guard immediately, aware of her surroundings with her eyes all around, but there was only one person here when she could hear two, "Drusje."

"I'm telling you, I'm so bored of all of you, do you know only two words? Witch and Dru—" Lissa felt all of the air knocked out of her in an instant, she keeled over, almost about to throw up as she started hearing the blood pumping through her systems, her veins throbbed so intensely that one would think they were about to burst. She released a grunt before forcing herself to straighten up, "Not today! I have things to do!" she grabbed the trash bin's lid and threw it and the person she could see.

Lissa concluded that they'd messed with the dosage and somehow turned a grisha on parem into something even worse, a grisha on an incredibly high dose of parem, she looked around once again as the air was back into her lungs, scanning everything she could lay her eyes on, but nothing. There was nothing there.

Lissa barely noticed a blur before she was knocked into a wall... twice. She was knocked into the wall twice and then suspended in the air. She felt her bones crushing up. Lissa let out a loud cry.

"I'm sorry for what happened to you," murmured Lissa to practically no one, "And I'm sorry that I'm about to do worse." she reached her hand out where she felt the slightest amount of movement, however her hands only touched skin for a mere second before they passed through.

Lissa heard an empty laugh, "Ok, this one's yours. You got me, but... Not again." she raised her hand and brought them down, with whatever she had left in her she tried to use her powers but she just couldn't. So, she settled for the next best thing. Two major embarrassments will cause you to turn your brain wheels instead of trying to use force.

"I have parem on me," Lissa said to the person, whatever unfortunate soul managed to land itself in a fjerdan camp in Ravka for experiments, "I have it and it's yours but you have to let me down."

Lissa could feel the hesitation in the air, but she felt the slip up as well, she reached out and this time she grabbed something solid, skin, she pulled down whoever it was with her and both of them came crashing to the ground, she could see the person but only for a few seconds before they disappeared again.

Lissa sighed, she took some parem out of her coat pocket and threw it into the air. The air blurred and she felt it whizz past her, she felt the air slip up again and this time she acted quickly, taking her knife out into her hand and watching as the person licked parem from where it was most concentrated on the ground, she could feel the hunger pulsating inside her as well, do something, take it. She could feel herself say it but she didn't, she grabbed the flickering shoulder and pulled the person away from Parem, knocking a knife into their shoulder, they let out a cry and started to fight back again but this time Lissa was faster, she slammed yet another knife, this time directly into the gut.

"Please," Lissa felt the voice say and for once in her life she hesitated, however the air took advantage of that, attacking her in an instant, she was knocked down on her back and she felt something crack, but the blood in the air was still gushing out and with one last breath, Lissa threw her last knife... directly into the person's head.

Lissa mourned a life that day. It had been long since she'd done that, especially for a life that she'd taken herself, but she'd understood what the air felt more than anyone else. She'd been the air. The body was still flickering but Lissa could not bear to look at it.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT." Kaz's cane slammed down on the bench Lissa was sitting on, right beside her, she put her head in her hand, "That was the reason you stayed behind, and yet Pekka managed to make his way inside." Inej had gotten stabbed by some madman who wanted to stuff her or whatever, "Now, Pekka has made a move on more than just the Crow Club while we were away, he bought out all of the fifth harbor, and we faced yet another loss." he said running a hand through his hair.

"You know, Inej took some serious damage, The Novice nearly lost his head, the Heartrender took a bullet, Lissa has shown up bruised like a peach with her head split open and yet all you're worried about is being on top of Pekka's corporate holdings."

"You don't take down a lion by cutting off his tail." Kaz said with his head turned down and his voice low and rough.

"I'm sorry, you've been on safari when?"

Wylan and Lissa shared looks.

"We're putting our lives on the line!" Jesper said just as frustrated as everyone else in the room.

"I thought you preferred it that way!" Kaz let out in a snarl.

"Can you two shut up?" Lissa roared and both of them silenced, shocked by the sudden scream, "Yes, thank you."

Nina chose to walk out at that exact moment of silence, she looked around unsure for just a second before continuing, "I wouldn't call myself the most proficient Healer, but she'll not be a permanent resident here." Nina informs them all.

"Thank you," Lissa said to the woman, "But just one more thing, could you take a look at my wounds? They've really been bothering me."

"Come with me," Nina ushered her outside instead where both of them took a seat on the stone, "I cannot do much, I'm not trained as a Healer, but I can make the bleeding stop, well, most of it anyway. How did this happen?"

"Fjerdans." Lissa offered Nina one single word and Nina pressed her lips together, knowing she would not be getting offered more than that, "How did you manage to end up with that Fjerdan man anyway? You're a grisha, isn't he supposed to hate your kind?"

"Yes, he is Fjerdan, and a druskelle at that," Nina said as she slowly did her best to snap Lissa's bones into place, Lissa had her teeth bared, with her eyes closed because of the pain, "I'm sorry," Nina murmurs in a low voice before continuing, "Matthias was misled, you know, just like the other Druskelle. They have been taught what they have and it has been instilled into their brains ever since they were little, just like everyone has their own prejudices, they have theirs, however, theirs are much more severe. I had my own prejudices too, about Fjerdans and Druskelle, however, Matthias proved me wrong, and if he's out there... willing to change, how many more could there be? I still do hate Druskelle, but I hope one day I won't have to."

"That seems... idealistic," Lissa said and Nina chuckled at her, "I mean, don't get me wrong, it sounds very nice, but I hardly think we might even get a single bit of what you want."

"I'd rather believe that we will than we won't," Nina said to the girl, her fingers hovered over Lissa's head and she felt her skin pulling, "If I didn't believe in the things I believe in then my life would be miserable."

"You do seem like a happy person," Lissa smiled at her, "Not many people are."

"You seem like a happy person too, are you not?"

"Me? I could never," Lissa said to her, "I mean I'm happy sometimes, yes, but... I wouldn't say I'm a happy person, it's more like a sad person who latches on to whatever bit of happiness I can find."

"Tell you what, you get out of this place and you may just get turned a happy person," Nina scoffed as she looked around, "This place will suck you dry of all that you have and then some more."

"Nina, what are you doing here? You don't belong here... you're right about Ketterdam, the city only ever takes." Lissa asked the brunette in front of her and Nina remained silent as her hands did the work, she then grabbed both of Lissa's hands and looked straight into her eyes.

"Because Lissa, Matthias doesn't deserve to be in Hellgate either," Nina sighs dreamily, "When all of this is over, I'll move with him somewhere, I'll even go to Fjerda with him if he wants, I'll learn to dress like a grandmother and speak Fjerdan. I'll do whatever I have to get my happy ending with him."

"I hope you never change, Ms. Zenik." Lissa told the woman as she got up, "However, I, do need some changing, the dried blood on my clothes is irritating the hell out of me, and my head is all itchy."

Lissa Brekker walked inside and everything felt cold again, she threw the bathroom door open and immediately threw up into a bucket. She let everything out until she felt completely empty and then she sat there. She hated how she felt without the Parem in her system but she'd have to be smart about how much she uses and when she does it if she wants to last as long as she could for the plan to go smoothly.