"Are you okay sweetie?" My mom asked as she walked into my room. I was just sitting in my bed and I was currently thinking about what happened yesterday. I was met with my former lovers once again after so long just yesterday and.... I missed that. Just their company is enough for me. Like when I was obviously getting wasted and my friends moved me to where I would be a little closer to the loo.... Zayn came around when he saw that I was not feeling okay, and he stayed there. He even slept in the booth that was in front of me for security.

That makes me want to cry even more but I know that I really need to get my day started. I have to get ready for my ride back to my apartment back in Worcester and get back to working on my makeup business.

Hopefully I won't get too distracted....

"Honey?" I blinked and looked up to see my mom a little closer to my bed. "Oh... you need something mum?" "I just wanted to see how you were holding up? Sarah told me that your exes were at the lock in. Were they kind to you?" She asked and moved to be at my side. "When aren't they kind? They look so different mum... you should've seen them yesterday. They looked so handsome and you just have no idea as to how much I wanted to hug them... Why did we have to break up mum?" I asked and looked down again.

I remember asking this same question when we broke up officially. I was so lost and broken that it was hard for me to even talk to loved ones. I remember crying every day when we were a month apart, but it then brought me to cry myself to sleep every night after that. We called each other almost every day, but there did come a point where the communication drew dry. I can even remember the last text that was shared between us. It was from Harry and no one said anything because we were broken up, so we weren't used to saying I love you with the title that we had just yet.

I am so glad that we are so comfortable to say that subtly to each other now. Whether it was through the gifts or just from a post.

The text that sent us all into silence was:

Harry😃: As I am given another chance to reflect on my life, I wanted to reach out to you all. I wanted to remind you that there will never be a point where I will lose love for you. I will continue to think about you and I will continue to worry even if you are okay. I want to make you all proud. I want to make my family proud. I want to show my true worth to everyone and even to myself. I want there to be a point where I could look back on how I was and actually be proud of it. I am not ready to tell you what happened to make all of this pour out, but just know that I thank you for everything that you have given to me. There are fears and insecurities that I was too afraid to tell any of you, but just know that there will be a time where I will tell you everything.

All the love. -Harryx

I wish I responded and told him.

'I love you too.'

"So how was it?" My mum asked as she was over at my apartment. We were currently baking together and she was currently helping me find a new recipe to have in my upcoming business. It was still a working progress since I didn't have much to show off to others.

"It was... a bit tough. Like... I wanted to hug them so much mum... I don't know why I didn't either. They looked so pretty, so... beautiful," I tell her truthfully as I was putting the cupcakes into the oven. "It wouldn't be wrong for you to do so. They gave you a lot of good memories. They made you the most happy," My mother tells me and I nodded my head in agreement. I then sighed and helped her with the frosting. "I know that it wouldn't be wrong, but I didn't want to make things uncomfortable for them. We felt so distant when we were alone."

My mother understood then and we just continued on with the cupcakes. "What if that's the last time that you'll see them though?" She then asked me and I looked at her then, thinking about her question more thoroughly. If that was my last time talking to them, then... I don't know how I would feel. They never texted me back after I told them that I still and will always love them. I'm not mad at them for it, but it did hurt me a little bit. My mom tried to comfort me by telling me that it was their time to recover, but they probably assumed that I already knew that they love me, but I guess at the time, I would've liked to hear it.

I guess I should've just told them where this was coming from. I just didn't want them to worry or freak out because of me. I know that I will have to tell them about it eventually, but I guess when we are seriously talking again is when I will tell them.

But for right now... I will have to wait for that time to come.

"When are you going to tell me about what happened over the weekend?" Lottie asked as we were in some coffee shop. I have been asked this many times from all of my family members today.

I looked at her and she knew that I really didn't want to talk, but I did. Because I was raised to be respectful to those who show respect to me. "I am still thinking and reflecting on the matter Lotts. You know it will take me some time for me to talk about them to you guys. I also don't want to start crying, so there's that," I tell her honestly and she understood where I was coming from at this point. We continues with our little hangout and when she was done with her treat and coffee, we were back in my car.

I started the drive to the mall and as we were heading over there, I was thinking about what did happen and it nearly made me really emotional. Just seeing them again brought so many memories back to me. We were together for almost 5 years and they were the best years of my life. I really thought that the break would've fixed everything, but it didn't. I really didn't want to break up either, so I am sure that I was the most broken out of the five of us. Zayn was the first to bring up the idea, and Harry was next to agree with him.

Of course I didn't want to be a nuisance to them, so I just went with it. I was off of my phone for a good while and the last time that I was on it was when Harry sent that long text and I spent a few nights thinking about what has happened to him and what made him send that to us...

But yesterday... I wanted to run up and kiss them. Their new looks were shocking to me sure, but they looked so dashing and amazing. I wanted to be held by Harry, by Liam, or by Zayn. I wanted to hold Niall and I wanted to kiss him all over his pretty face. I just wanted everything to be okay again, but I also know that there has to be work done in order to make something like that possible.

I just want there to be an us again....

I should've talked more... I should've hugged them or something. I should've drove Niall home. He was obviously not in the best shape to do so at that moment... Why didn't I offer that to him?

I had all of these thoughts run through my head as I was driving to the gym. Yesterday felt like a dream. Like I know that it wasn't, but I really thought that I wouldn't be seeing them again. We rarely talk, and even though we keep talking about it happening.. I didn't think that there would be an actual date for the matter. I am glad to see that they were okay though. They changed it up a little bit, so I am a bit glad that I wasn't the only one who made changes to themselves for the better.

And I really wanted to ask Harry what happened to him that made him send that lovely message to us. I really wanted to hug him and check up on him, but I know that he probably didn't want to talk about it. That or he forgot that he sent it, so he just forgot to tell us what happened.

They all looked so nice too. I can definitely tell that they are making something of themselves and I am s proud of Harry when he told us that he was in the process of making something out of his passions. I always knew that he had something like that in him. Like he enjoys helping others out, but he also loved being in the kitchen. When we weren't in Uni and we spent time together at each others homes, Harry would always go into the kitchen so that he could make a quick snack for the rest of us to enjoy.

Zayn looked so good and Louis did too. I knew that Zayn was the tattoo/piercing/hair dye type. He told me that it made him feel the most real. However, seeing him with his natural hair was so nice. Also for Louis too. They all looked so nice and I wanted to make out with them so badly, but I really had to pull myself back from doing so.

They are the loves of my life and I really want to see them again...

I was laying in my bes, thinking about all that happened over the weekend while I was scrolling through my phone. I was looking at all of the photos and videos that were taken while we were still together. Each one had some kind of memory tied to it. I even saw the one where we promised ourselves to each other entirely as a 5-way couple. Each one me smile softly and the thought of the said memory miss them more and more each time. There was one where we were just sitting around, talking about what we wish to accomplish once we graduate from uni.

Each one of us talked about becoming even closer to each other. Like we each hoped to be living together once we graduate, so there was definitely something for me to be looking forward to, but then we broke up and all of that fell apart. Yes, I was the one who brought the idea up to end things, but I still wanted to be close to them in some kind of way. It was like after we ended things and started to drift. Not entirely since we were calling and texting each other almost every day, but things definitely died down when Harry sent a text to all of us. I was so worried for him and his well being as I was reading said text, but he wasn't going to talk.

Seeing them yesterday did give me some kind of hope. Because I thought that the time will never come when we were to see each other again. Now that it did happen, I am really looking forward to next time. They looked so beautiful and I really could paint them from the memory in my head if I really wanted to. They looked like a complete masterpiece.

My friends talk about how faith was on our side and at first I thought that they were crazy for thinking such things, but I can definitely see where they are coming from and now... I believe them and I agree with them entirely. Faith is on my side and I will definitely make sure to make the most out of it. I will meet them again and even if it takes me some time, I will be getting back to them. Because we always get together at the end of everything.

And it will happen again this time. I will make sure of that...
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