Thank you so much Dixxx_angel_forever for the votes! They're very much appreciated!! All the love! -Daysia❤️

Today I am going to be seeing my therapist and I'll be telling them everything that has happened to me recently. We are currently working on the 'talking about how I feel' part. That is something that never really changed for me. I still have a hard time telling others how I feel. Especially when I really don't know them. Niall's friends for example. I still have a hard time talking to them. Like I can make small talk with them, but that is pretty much it. Niall would help me with something like that a few times, but he wouldn't push me to go over my limits.

I pull up to the building of where my session is going to be held at and I take a small deep breath. I get out of my car and I make my way inside. I walked to the front desk and I signed myself in. I then walked to the waiting room and I took a seat. As I waited for someone to come in to get me, I was just looking at a magazine that was next to me. I skimmed through it and I stopped when I saw something amazing. It was listings for lots. Specifically for those who are hoping to open their very own business soon. I have been saving up for a good while now, so it was a matter of time before I actually put some use into that money. Of course I borrow a loan from the bank, but I have the money for the ingredients and things like that.

I made sure to save a few numbers and I sent the info to my mother so that I could get her opinion on it. That was when someone came in and called my name. I looked up from my phone and nodded my head at the friendly lady. I stood up and she led me the way to my therapist's office.

When granted entry, I shook hands with my therapist and I sat down on the sofa. "So how are we doing today Mr. Styles?" She asked and I shrugged my shoulders. "I guess I'm doing okay." "Well that's better than last week, right? Heard your school had a reunion. How was that?" She then asked and crossed her legs. I just stared at her. I then looked off and sighed.

"I saw them again. You know... the ones who I thought that I'd never see again?" "Your former lovers? Interesting... how was that?" "You know I tried to play it casual and act like we never broke up. I didn't act as if we were still dating, but I tried to be like a close friend." "Aren't you this close friend?" "I mean of course I am, but it's hard when you want to kiss and hug your friend and never let go of them again. Because now Louis is in Doncaster again, Liam is back in Wolverhampton, Zayn went to Bradford, and Niall left for Worcester this morning." "And now you feel as though you're back at square one?" "Not exactly. We talked about everything like how we used to when we first started dating. We just didn't talk about certain things that got in the way of our communication with each other."

"And what was yours? What held you back from keeping that communication stable with them?" She asked me and I had to refrain from breaking in front of her. "You know...it's hard," I tell her first. "It's hard for me to express things to certain people and when it comes to them... I never want them to worry about me. I think that's what my biggest problem is." "When was the last time you missed out on sharing what happened to you?" "My car reck... the accident that nearly took my life."

"Did you want to tell them?" "At first I did... but then... I felt that side of my kick in. The one that tells me that not everything is about me. It told me to make them not worry and I listened. Instead I told them, reminded them that I love them and that I will always love them. I told them that they are always going to be in my thoughts and no matter what happens in my life, I'm always going to worry about them."

"It seems to me Mr. Styles, that you seem to forget that love does a lot of things to a person. You can worry about them all you want, but they have every reason to feel the same way about you. That message may have made them worry about you even more than you think. They probably read that and thought 'Oh my god, what happened?' Because it was very random. Even though you five are so close, you get that much of a text from your ex, you can't help but freak out."

"You don't understand... I can't tell them... I will feel guilty for making them feel a negative way. I just have been... through so much crap in my past and the way that my mind works is that this will... bring me a lot of scare and anxiety. That probably doesn't mean much, does it?" I asked her and she shook her head. "My job is to make sure that you understand that your feelings are reasonable and they are fair. I just want you to understand how your former lovers could be feeling after your message to them." "I know." "And there is nothing that you di wrong Mr. Styles. I really do hope that you understand that. You got in the reck.They have the right to know about it though. Whenever you can, tell them. Tell them everything that you wish to tell them," she suggested to me and I nodded my head.

"Now, how have you been doing lately. How is the build up for your business?" She then asked and I sighed. "It's not going well for me... I really don't see this going far. I should've made something out of my physiotherapy degree..." "Well you started this for a reason. You believe in yourself, and you should keep on doing so. You are very talented. You even shared a bit with me. You can make some delicious stuff," she compliments and I smiled softly at her. "Thanks... but the insecurity I have makes me think otherwise," I confide in her and she hummed. "Well maybe you should try and give it out to strangers. People do say that sharing things with people that you don't even know hits a lot harder than with the ones who know you personally."

I just shrugged my shoulders at that. This is her job. Her job is to make me feel good mentally.

"Okay, maybe you should give it to your former lovers one day. Maybe they are the reassurance that you need," she then suggested to me and I grew even more anxious about that alone. "But what if they don't like it? I don't want them to be disappointed in me even more..." "Now why would they be disappointed in you at all?" "Because I promised so much..."

"Just because you are separated, it doesn't mean that you can't keep up with your promise. I just know that if they post something cryptic, then you would be the first to reach out." "That's the thing! I'm supposed to be there to prevent that from even happening! What kind of boyfriend was I to leave that just because I didn't want to tell them about my true fears that stopped them from doing certain things..." I looked down and my therapist reached over and rubbed my upper thigh comfortingly. I looked up at her again and she smiled kindly at me.

"You are a good one Mr. Styles. I can tell that just from being your therapist. You have a good and golden heart. You care for people. You never try to harm others that pose as no threat to your being, but we all have those times where we feel stuck. Where we know that we have that escape, but we are too scared to even attempt at exiting that door. You just need to find that place where you are the most comfortable and speak out. Tell them what has been bothering you and what your afraid of. You may just be shocked with the outcome of it all," she advised me and I looked down again.

When our hour was up, I walked out of her office, saying a quiet goodbye as I went. I then paid for my session before I left the building entirely. I walked and got into my car. Now with how bad the wreck was, I just decided to get a new car.

The wreckage

The new car

Anyways! I was driving back home and I was thinking about everything that was talked about during the session. I thought about everything impossible that she told me to do and when I reached a red light...

I cried.

I fucking cried.

I made it home safely yes, but it didn't stop the tears from pouring. In fact, it made things worse for me. I didn't even want to get out of my car. I just stayed there and cried. I felt myself shaking and I knew that I was having yet another mental breakdown. It wasn't hard to guess. The mere thought of my former lovers made things worse for me.

"I'm supposed... Supposed to be... Be their home," I heard myself say in between hiccups. I have never felt like a disappointment this badly before. Like how did I even pull them my direction? How did Louis fall for me? How did Liam, Zayn, and Niall fall for me? That shouldn't have happened. I should've protected them from me by pushing them away from the very beginning. It was impossible to love someone like me. My dad made that very clear to me... "Why...why is this so hard?" I asked myself as I was slowly getting out of my car. I know that people were looking at me, because before I could approach the door to my apartment, my neighbor stopped me.

"Hey Harry, are you okay?" He asked and I looked up slowly at him. "You just seem a bit distressed. If you need someone to talk to, then you should know that my door is always open," he then says and that made me want to chuckled. I held back of course. I know that if Louis was right here (or even Niall), then they would've made some smart ass remark about how dangerous it is to leave your door open. They then would've scolded him to not have his door open like that.

I thanked my neighbor quietly and I then proceeded to get into my home. I dropped my keys off on the little counter that was right next to my door. I then walked to my couch and laid down right on it. I felt the tears coming back and I turned so that I was on my side and I started to cry again.

Not everything is about you. Stop crying! No one cares about what you have to go through. That side of me said and I just cried even harder. I know that I shouldn't be listening to it, but it's hard when you are by yourself and not in the right place. I'm still working on that too, but right now... I feel so weak.... So... Alone.

...

When I knew that I needed to eat something, I groaned and slowly got up from the couch. I trudged to the kitchen and I started to make myself something quick to eat.

I hope they are today... I thought to myself as I stared off in my kitchen. I took another bite from my plate and I walked with it still in my hand to my bedroom. I got into my bed and ate the rest of my snack in silence. When done, I put the dish up and took out my vape. I got onto my balcony and started to smoke. I of course thought of my former lovers the whole time, but I didn't feel like crying this time. I instead thought brighter. I thought back to when we had that silly argument of which was more convenient and chuckled when I thought of Niall's surprised face when he realized that I was actually talking to him.

They're so cute...
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