When I turned seven, we went on a family trip to the seaside to celebrate my birthday. I waded too far into the ocean, approached a small drop off in depth and disappeared beneath the waves. The water that swirled around me made it impossible to breathe, every breath I did take burned in my chest. My chest felt tight, my mind went fuzzy. Everything started to slip away.

That day in school felt like that all over again.

The rope pulled tighter around my chest with every breath and I couldn't focus on anything that happened around me. My mind swam and it felt like I was choking on that water all over again; drowning but without the water.

Father helped me out of my desk and led me from the school and out into the courtyard that encircled the building. The front gates had been closed, but the usual padlock that hung from them had yet to be put in place due to the parents hanging around for the debate. I watched the gate swim in and out of focus with Father placing a light hand on my arm and leading me over to a small wall. He didn't say anything, or if he did I didn't hear him. A low hum filled my ears.

"Izzy? I need you to look at me, alright? Can you do that?" Father said.

"Evelyn, can you get some water or something?" Mother said behind me. I didn't know she and Evelyn had come outside with us.

"Of course."

"Izzy, I'm going to need you to look at me."

I looked up at Father, the edges of my vision fading a little as I tried my hardest to focus on him and his face. My lungs squeezed a little harder. Father crouched down in front of me, balancing on the balls of his feet, although he did wobble a little. He took my shaking hands in his own, stead ones and just stood there looking at me without saying another word.

He took a deep breath, making eye contact with me as I fought to steady my own breathing. With Father looking at me and breathing deeply, I found myself starting to mimic him every time he took a deep breath. After a few deep breaths, the rope on my chest loosened, the dark edges around my vision faded, and my mind started to clear until I could think clearly. I gulped down several lungfuls of air and waited until the dizzy sensation passed completely.

Evelyn returned with a glass of water which she handed it to Father who passed it onto me. I took a few, small sips from the water and focused on what was happening around me. Birds tweeted in the few trees that had been planted in the courtyard, their song travelling on the breeze. A light breeze flowed past us, catching a few tendrils of my hair and spinning them around my head. I could smell Mother's perfume on the breeze, a gift from Father a few years ago.

"Take a few more sips of that and then we'll talk," Father said.

I nodded and took a few more sips of the water.

"Is this the first time something like this has happened?" he asked.

I shake my head. "It's happened before," I muttered.

"How many times?"

"Twice."

Father sighed. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"We weren't really on speaking terms at the time."

I dropped my head to my lap and stared at the glass of water in my hands, watching the slight tremble in my fingers that remained even though I had long since calmed down. Father readjusted his position and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him put a hand out on the ground to stop himself from falling over. He didn't say anything.

Mother shifted behind me and I watched her shadow pass by Father until I felt movement to the left of me and she sat on the wall. I knew what they were thinking; they wouldn't have to say it. It had been stupid of me to not tell them the truth, especially after our conversation a few days before we ironed everything out. Mother had told me I could tell them anything and still, I refused to tell them the entire truth.

They didn't know about the pond. No one did.

Even if I wanted to tell them, and I had on several occasions, I couldn't find the words to really explain any of it. When I tired, they became stuck in my throat so I couldn't say them, no matter how hard I tried.

All I knew was that it felt like drowning.

It felt like dying.

"Did you tell anyone? Your uncle James?" Mother asked.

I shook my head. "No one." I tightened my grip on the glass of water in my hands. "It wasn't just that."

"What else was it?"

"Sunday, when I went out to the pond, for a second I thought ... I wanted to ..." The words got stuck in my throat. They wouldn't come. I choked on them. "I wanted to jump in and not come up."

Mother sighed. "Oh, Izzy." She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me into her chest, ignoring the water that sloshed all over her. Why didn't you tell us the other night?"

"I tried, but the words got stuck in my throat." I paused. "That and I thought you might send me away if you found out."

"We'd never do that," Father said. "We love you, Izzy and we'd never send you away. Ever. These have been a tough few weeks and we should have been paying more attention to you and how you've been feeling, but we haven't and that was on us. We never want you to feel like you cannot come and talk to us about anything."

"I didn't know how," I muttered.

"I know, Izzy. I know."

Father reached out and took the glass of water from my hands, placing it on the floor before taking my smaller hands in his and giving them a squeeze. A weight had been lifted from my chest now that I had been able to tell them the truth about what had happened down at the pond. They weren't mad, they weren't going to send me away, and it felt like I could finally breathe again, like I had finally stopped drowning and could hold my head above the water.

I knew that it would be a while until I could lift myself out of the water, that it would take a little while until I could escape its depths, but this was the first step in doing so. Whatever the next steps may have been, I would be willing to complete them if it meant I could finally escape the water and free of the waves that snuck up on me. I wanted to be able to untie the rope from my lungs, to be free of the restraints.

Grandfather had always told me that family was important. Whether found family, or biological family, they all mattered and could help one escape even the darkest of depths. Before Mother had been reunited with my uncles, she had created her own family whom she loved just as much as the real thing. Even after many years, they were still in touch. I was lucky to have such a large family around me and to have parents who cared, I knew not everyone could afford the same luxury.

How could I throw that all away?

They did care about me and I knew they always would.

"Miss Reid wants to know if Isabel will be taking part in the debate," Evelyn said from behind me.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Father said.

"I want to do it."

"Isabel, I don't think that's a good idea given what just happened," Mother added.

"But I feel fine now and I've worked hard to do this. Please? Just let me try. This is what I want to do and I need to push through the fear."

"I still don't think it's a good idea." Father released my hands and stood up. "Are you sure you can do it? No one will think any less of you if you decide not to speak."

I let out a shaky breath. Despite the nerves that still plagued the back of my mind and the slight shake in my hands, I had to prove to myself I could do it. "I want to. I need to prove to myself that I can do it, that yesterday wasn't just a fluke. If I can't get up there and give a speech to my classmates, then what am I doing dreaming of working as a lawyer? I have to do this."

Father sighed. "If you're sure it is what you want, but there's no shame in backing down and admitting you can't do something. However, I don't think I can persuade you out of it, no matter how hard I try."

"Thank you."

"Come on, or you'll run out of time."

I smiled and tried to push back the fear that had once again started to eat away at me from the inside out. I had to do this, no matter how much I feared it. Standing up to Grandmother with Mr Dietrich's help was one thing, this would be something else entirely. This had been what I wanted to do, what I had worked for and I couldn't let my own fear of what might happen destroy it. I had my notes, I had prepared, I had to do it.

Mother pulled me to my foot, almost helping me to knock over the glass of water in the process. I readjusted the crutches so they sat comfortably under my arms and hopped back towards the building with Mother and Father following me. They exchanged looks with one another and I knew they were unhappy about my decision, but I think they understood that it was something I needed to do, even if they disagreed.

Inside the classroom, a podium had been placed at the front of the room for us to speak from, although standing up to deliver my speech would be hard with the crutches. Still, I would do it regardless. Miss Reid looked at me when I entered and I offered her a small nod of my head to let her know that I was ready to give my speech despite what might have happened when I first entered the room.

Fear continued to eat away at me, chewing me up from the inside out, but I had to do it. I gripped onto my crutches that much harder and fought back the slight shake in my hand that I knew had started to appear again. Miss Reid gestured me to the front of the room, with Evelyn handing me my notes when I passed her.

"Are you sure this is something you want to do?" Miss Reid asked.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Alright. You're up first, so let me introduce you to the audience."

I nodded.

"Can I have everyone's attention, please?" Miss Reid called. The room fell silent. "I'm sorry for the delay in starting today's proceedings, but we are ready to begin now. For our first debate topic, we are arguing whether or not women should have the right to vote in this country. Our starting speaking, arguing for, is Isabel Ealing."

Father clapped the loudest as I hopped over to the podium and grabbed onto it, smoothing my notes page in front of me so I would be able to see it. As I predicted, my hands shook but I ignored it, took a shaky breath and started to speak.

"In 1893, New Zealand became the first self-governing country to grant all women over the age of twenty-one the right to vote. In 1895, women in South Australia gained the same right. Likewise, in 1881, women on the Isle of Man who owned property were allowed the right to vote. Even the Western territories in America, Wyoming and Utah, allow white women to vote. Despite this, our government refuses to offer women the same respect.

"Women in this country can work. They can be teachers, nurses, and yet do not have a say in the laws that they must follow. Women pay tax, but still cannot vote. Over the years, women have worked to be heard, for their voices to be known in this fight for a shred of equality in a world dominated by men. All they ask is the opportunity to have their voice heard when it comes to our government, to those who direct us and tell us how to behave.

"Florence Nightingale helped us to make huge leaps in medicine and hygiene and yet men would forbid her from voting because she's a woman. Why should something so minuscule as whether a person was born male or female dictate what they can or cannot do in this world? Voting will be one small milestone in a huge uphill battle for equality, but if other nations can afford women this right, why can't we?

"Women have as much right as men to have a say in how their government is run, to determine which laws they will one day have to follow. Allowing women this one, small freedom will help to lay the foundations for the women who come after us, much like Florence Nightingale did all those years ago and that is why I believe women should have the right to vote."

I stood there, silence following the last syllable before Father started to clap. Soon enough, everyone else had joined in, leaving me standing at that podium and trying to fight the pride that swelled up in my chest.

Even if I didn't win, I proved I could do it, and that mattered more to me. Not only that, but I had my family back.

~~~

A/N - Here we are, the PENULTIMATE chapter! One chapter left which will be coming to you next week as well as an additional surprise... Make sure you're following me to know more about that one!

Questions! Are you glad everything is out in the open? Do you think Izzy did well at the debate?

Comment below!

First Published - December 14th, 2021