prologue. mother cuts

          This hallway is dark, just like the rest. The stench of blood never really went away. The thumping in her chest rises to her throat. It makes her feel sick. Breathe, Al... Just breathe... She repeats it in her mind so she doesn't absolutely lose it. Her hands shake as she stuffs the pistol into her backpack. She can't get rid of the awful sensation in the pit of her stomach. Gun, Map, Bullets. Gun, Map, Bullets. The words replay inside her head. She can't forget.

  With the backpack on her shoulders, she takes off. The back exit. Back exit. Back exit. Alaska must meet Billy by the back exit. She steps through the darkest hallway, one she desperately avoided during the night. Alaska has always been scared of the dark, especially in the hospital, and especially after the massacre. Blood still stains the faded floor tiles. She feels her heart quicken again. She can almost hear the gunshots just as they had sounded that night. Alaska's feet move faster, but not enough to make any noise. Don't draw any attention.

  She walks past a room. An office, more specifically. It had been the office where Alaska's mother and Abby's father had held long meetings and intense discussions about the potential vaccine and an unknown immune girl. Alaska and Abby often snuck out of their makeshift bedrooms to eavesdrop on their parents' plans. Alaska had entered that room several times before when she'd begged Jerry to teach her all about medicine. She wanted to take care of herself.

  Perhaps caring for herself would fill the void her mother left behind. An inescapable loneliness, Sybil had created. A truth that Alaska has always known and never once feared. The spot she had inhabited in her mother's womb is nothing short of grotesque. An ugly place, she thinks. Bitterness collects on Alaska's tongue. It swirls and mixes with a burdening pain until it becomes unrecognizable. Her eternal conflict.

  The echoing of her own footsteps somehow pulls her away from her thoughts. Find Billy. Find Billy. She repeats it so she doesn't forget. The hallway almost seems darker. More foreboding than ever before. Alaska is terrified. The flashlight flickers, yet it remains steady in her hand. She faces the door at the end of the hallway with a faded 'Exit' sticker.

  From the shadows surrounding her, Billy emerges. His large body is outlined by the flickering headlight. If Alaska hadn't known who he was, she probably would've been scared. Instead, a sense of relief washes over her malnourished body and the trembling in her hands partially subsides.

  "I lured in Infected from the town over," Billy speaks up with a raspy voice as he rushingly reloads ammo into the large gun. "Should keep 'em distracted for a while."

  Alaska lets out a distressed breath and looks over at the 'Exit' sticker once more. "Are you sure?" she asks nervously, fiddling with the loose straps of her worn-out backpack. Her sentence is vague, yet its impact is strong.

  Billy leans over to match Alaska's height and places his hands on her shoulders. "Listen, kid," he says with a look in his eyes. "Once we step through this door, the gate'll be wide open. It's a straight shot from here. I know you can do it." Billy grins a little with hope, which might seem rare coming from a tough man like him.

  Alaska nods her head with determination. A fire lights in her eyes, and without another thought, she pushes through the exit door and runs. Alaska is convinced she's never felt so free in her life. Maybe it's the thought of knowing she's finally escaped this cruel place and its cruel people. Maybe it's the speed at which her legs move against the wind. But this freedom is something Alaska fears she might never feel again.

  Her surroundings fade as her legs defy her brain and body. Her ears become muffled and her chest starts to sting, but truthfully, she doesn't pay any mind. Her eyes focus on the large metal gate and the clear view of wilderness consuming the overgrown city just beyond.

  But before her feet can reach the gate any longer, the sound of yelling brings Alaska back to reality. "Stop right there!" a voice calls out.

  Alaska's legs don't stop moving, as if they have a mind of their own. As she turns her head, she spots several guards on their track alongside Sybil— her mother. The look of anger and hatred on her mother's face is amplified by the thick scar along her eye. Alaska has never felt more terrified.

  "Keep going!" Billy demands.

  Alaska's eyes meet his and she does as she's told. She turns towards the gate and tunes the whole world out as she nears it. But when she does, it begins to close ever so slowly. Alaska suddenly gains control of her overworked body, letting her legs and feet work in harmony.

  She turns once more when she hears rustling and struggling yells behind her. There, she sees Billy fighting off one of the many men. Tears of fear and confusion threaten to escape her eyes as she stops for a moment in a sudden wave of shock.

  Before she can do anything, before she can even think, and before the gate closes behind her, Billy shakes off his bag, tosses it in her direction, and pushes her through the small gap with the impact of his heavy body. He sends himself and the guard to the ground, yet the look of pride on his face is impossible to miss.

  Alaska lands on the concrete with a thump. Her breaths grow heavier and her eyes widen with an instilled fear. She sees Sybil approach Billy from behind with a gun in her torturous grasp, and all she can do is stare. Alaska holds Billy's bag tightly in her trembling arms.

  "Al! Go!" Billy's voice makes her blink out of her daze.

  Her body moves without her brain's knowledge, as if she's in a state of fight-or-flight. She never hesitates to do as she's told, just like her mother had taught her as a child. The last thing Alaska sees before disappearing into the embracing wilderness is Sybil's haunting face and her glistening pistol pointed at Billy's head.

  Alaska can't bear to look. So she runs and doesn't look back. Maybe one day she'll regret running away. Maybe she should've fought and died alongside Billy. When she's far enough from the hospital, she hides behind the bark of a tall tree, crouching with her head in her hands to finally catch a breath. She cries into her scraped palms, panting and sobbing all at once.

  A single gunshot echoes, startling the hidden birds within the trees. Alaska jumps, her eyes closing tight enough to see stars. She knows that Billy is dead. She knows that her mother killed him. And just like that, Alaska is alone again.

  Alone.

  The word itself is taunting. Yet, simultaneously comforting. Tears fall and reach the dry ground below her, quenching the thirst of each blade of grass. As she sniffles, she draws her trembling hand down to the pocket of Billy's bag. There, she pulls out his Firefly pendant. She studies the rust and the engraved name, her eyebrows drawing together with a familiar sadness and reminiscence. She clasps the chain around her neck and pulls out a crumpled paper.

  Alaska hesitates to unfold the paper, unsure of what she'll find. But when she does, she spots a photograph of three young men hidden inside. She flips the photo and reads three names— Tommy, Billy, and Eugene. Three names which sound familiar. She looks over at the piece of paper and sees that it's a hand-drawn map. Alaska figures that this must be her new destination, the place she and Billy were supposed to escape to together.

  She closes her eyes in attempts at finding a mere moment of peace. At least she has a plan, something to look forward to. Alaska must get to this place on the map and find Tommy and Eugene. If not for herself, then for Billy. The mere thought of leaving him behind in a place that had never been home makes her feel weak. She can't let it be in vain.

  Soon, hours become days and days become weeks. Alaska follows the map all by her lonesome. Not another human in sight. Even the number of Infected in the area is hellishly scarce. She wonders if it's a mere coincidence or if she's somehow cursed, destined to be alone forever. She starts to wonder if this map even leads anywhere.

  Maybe she's about to meet her own demise.

  Alaska considers that possibility. It doesn't scare her as much as it once did. Perhaps death has never really scared her at all. She thinks her biggest fear might be the thought of becoming like her mother— a killer, a cold-blooded creature, somebody evil. Sybil could never look into Alaska's eyes. She wonders if it's because of the reflection that stares back, because of how much of herself Sybil sees when she looks at her weak little girl.

  Or maybe Sybil sees nothing at all. Simply, what could've been. What could've, should've, been made of Alaska. Sybil's legacy, her desire and crave for destruction— maybe that's what Alaska is destined to become. Perhaps, in the end, it doesn't really matter how hard Alaska tries to bury that side of her. Girlhood inevitably shapes Mother and Daughter to be ravenous beasts, destined enemies, parallels of one another. Maybe the only way to end the cycle is to get rid of her mother for good.

  Alaska sighs loudly.

  She refuses to let her thoughts consume her again. The harsh splash of a warm puddle pulls her away. Blades of grass graze upon her ankles, a feeling that leaves a chill upon her spine. The hand-drawn map in her left hand crumbles with time and erosion. Billy's pendant hangs loosely from her neck, a reminder of the reason her feet continue across these overgrown roads.

  She passes an old gas station followed by countless stores that haven't been of use in decades. She follows the road of lifted concrete with an accelerated beat in her chest. There's a mixture of excitement and fear filling her up inside. Alaska has wandered on her own for weeks to someplace she's not even sure exists. Yet, the thought of a successful escape finally hits her and ignites a sense of hope.

  The concrete of the broken road disappears between a break of tall trees. In the distance, she sees it standing tall. Two large gates between thick wooden walls. Two watchtowers on either side. Signs alerting newcomers of humanity, society, and shelter. Alaska thinks it's too good to be true. Had she really made it out? Her eyes might just be deceiving her.

  Alaska nears the large gates with caution. Although this place looks promising, the true evils of the world aren't always hiding in plain sight. She sees two young men on one of the watchtowers holding large guns. Suddenly, her heart beats a little faster.

  "Hands up!" One of them says as he points his gun.

  Alaska doesn't hesitate to do as she's told. Her eyes widen as exasperated pants leave her lips. The hand-drawn map practically perishes under her harsh grasp. The trembling of her bones begins to aggravate her. The feeling in her throat terrifies her even more.

  "Shit, it's a kid," the other young man with red hair states from beside him. "Go get Maria."

  Alaska doesnt know how long she stands there. But mere moments later, a blonde woman appears inside the watchtower with a look of confusion and worry on her face. From the distance, Alaska watches as the woman orders the others to lower their weapons.

  "Hey there, kid," she begins. "I'm Maria."

  She hesitates for a moment. "Alaska." Her hands remain above her head, her breaths heavy.

  "Are you alone, Alaska?" Maria asks with curled eyebrows.

  Should she lie? Maybe telling a stranger that she's alone isn't the best idea. After all, their intentions and identity remain unclear.

  "I'm looking for somebody." Alaska says, shifting the topic.

  Maria crosses her arms, "Who are you looking for?"

  "Tommy and Eugene. They were Fireflies. So was I. My friend– he told me they could help me." Alaska speaks with a panicked tone and tears that threaten to escape her glossy eyes. "Please."

  Maria uncrosses her arms and drops her shoulders with, seemingly, a sense of relief. She turns to the two young men beside her, "Let her in," she demands patiently.

  Alaska assumes this woman must be their leader.

  Seconds pass and the huge gates of this wondrous place slowly begin to welcome her. The sight of people, and animals, and running children, and electricity– it's all overwhelmingly beautiful. Alaska has never seen anything like this. She's never experienced the togetherness of a community where the people don't expect the absolute worst from you. Maybe there really is hope for her, after all.

  Alaska approaches the community with her wandering eyes widened. She lets the tears fall, for she isn't scared anymore. Finally, she senses the aching in her feet from walking, the pain in her throat from the unquenchable thirst, the emptiness in her stomach from the constant hunger. Finally, Alaska allows her pain to swallow her whole because there's nothing left to fear.

  "Welcome to Jackson, Alaska." Maria smiles.

***

          Joel Miller. A name she's heard more than her own. A name that'd been uttered from Sybil's lips with an acidic taste dripping off her tongue. Here before her, polishing an old guitar, sits the man that had massacred the only place she knew. Someone she should fear— someone she should hate with her whole soul. After all, he'd killed so many people without even a second thought. He'd killed Jerry. He'd ruined Abby's life. He'd contributed to Alaska's fears and sleepless nights. Yet, the way he told his story simply stabbed Alaska in the chest with a hint of empathy.

  "I don't know what happened," Joel practically whispers with guilt. "I was supposed to take her to the Fireflies and walk away."

  Alaska looks down at her hands. She wonders why Joel is telling her this. He doesn't know her. All he knows is that she was there when it happened. There's no point in proving you're a good person. In this world, nobody is a good person. Everyone does bad things to survive. Can she blame him? Can she bring herself to hate him? Her mind wanders. The truth is: Alaska probably would've done the same thing.

  "She needed her immunity to mean something. Maybe I was starting to buy into the whole 'cure' business. Maybe I just wanted to do right by her." Joel continues. He refused to make eye contact with anyone. Even Tommy– who Alaska soon found out to be his brother.

  Hearing Joel speak about the immune girl her mother had been so obsessed with makes her feel weird. It humanizes something that Alaska almost hadn't believed in, it makes her realize that every single person on this earth is just trying to survive, just trying to protect the ones they love. She can't hate him for that, can she? Even if she wanted to hate him, even if she was furious with him, she physically couldn't hate him because all she pictures when she sees Joel is Billy.

  A father protecting a daughter.

  "And then we made it. We found the Fireflies." Joel continues with hesitation. Alaska can see it in his eyes that he isn't a stone-cold killer. She feels a slight closure when she realizes that this person she once feared isn't really evil at all. "And because of her, they were actually gonna make a cure. The only catch... it would kill her."

  Tommy's eyebrows curl with worry. "Jesus Christ, Joel. What'd you do?"

  The beeping of the hospital monitors echo. The god-awful stench of blood fills her senses once more. And the silence. The foreboding silence that forever leaves a chill upon her spine. She remembers that day so vividly, a memory she's sure will never fade– not even with time. A memory that has truly, completely, shaped her being.

  "I saved her." Joel says. Alaska knows that he doesn't regret what he did. And truthfully, Alaska doesn't think she, herself, would regret it either. Does that make her a bad person?

  Tommy sighs. "Goddamn. That's... that's a lot," he mutters in shock. Alaska still isn't quite sure what she feels. "What does Ellie know?" He asks. 

  "I told her they just ran some tests. I told her... her immunity meant nothing." Joel's voice lowered with a hint of regret and total guilt.

  Alaska knows the feeling– of doing anything to protect the ones you love, even if it means keeping secrets from them. Or lying to them.

  "And she believed you?" Tommy asks.

  Joel shrugs slightly, "Didn't say otherwise."

  There's a collective silence. They all think for a moment, as if they finally manage to grasp just how serious the situation is and just how terribly it could break Ellie if told the truth.

  "Alaska," Joel begins. He looks her in the eyes. "I know you don't owe me anything, especially after all I've done..." his voice shatters a bit. He clears his throat before continuing. "But Ellie can never know the truth. It would break her."

  Alaska looks at him with curled eyebrows and a fallen expression. She thinks again. She considers the possibility of screaming the whole truth at the top of her lungs. But what would she gain? She considers telling Ellie, a complete stranger, what she's learned. But she can't bring herself to. All Joel did was protect her. And that's all he'd ever do.

  That's why he's telling her this– because his life's purpose has officially been dedicated to Ellie. She's everything to him, just like Alaska had once been everything to Billy. The last thing Alaska would ever want to do is take that away from them. She won't be the reason for someone else's loss and suffering. She's already ruined enough in her life. The least she can do is keep a simple secret and leave the past behind her.

  Forgiveness.

  Alaska nods her head. "Won't say a thing," she practically whispers.

  Silence fills the space between them again. It's full of a mutual understanding, quiet apologies, and unspoken forgiveness.

  Tommy stands from his chair with a sigh. "We should head back," he says as he clears his throat and flattens out his beard.

  Alaska follows in Tommy's steps. She reluctantly looks over at Joel and notices the look of utter despair and remorse in his eyes. There, she swore to stay true to her word. She'd never tell Ellie the truth, even if it meant a life of resentment and loneliness.

author's notes.
— 3,182 words

prologue is done!! i hope it's not too all over the place, i wanted it to be straight to the point but also focus on alaska's internal conflicts. part 1 is full of snippets and short moments that are important to alaska and reflect her relationship with ellie before, inevitably, ellie finds out the truth about saint mary.