four.      i am her dagger

Ellie has been missing for several hours. Alaska hasn't heard a word from her– or from anyone else, for that matter. Her bedroom is suffocatingly quiet, her thoughts smothering. The warmth it once brought, gone as a chill creeps down her spine. She paces. She's nervous. Scared. She feels that same tension, an unevolved emotion between the two of them.

Yet, despite the invisible string that ties them together, the distance between them is palpable. Alaska can't shake the feeling that something horrible is to come.

She lets out a huff. Ellie runs away when things get too serious. She builds the walls back up and avoids ever letting them down again. Alaska feels it in the very pit of her stomach. Something is wrong. She looks up at the taped photograph on her wall, as if seeing it for one last time, as if realizing that the simple moment is nothing but a distant memory.

She paces again. The indents under her eyes have grown a terrifying shade of purple, contrasting with the shallow blue of her irises. The tips of her fingers grow cold with nervousness, her hands slightly trembling with worry. Her breath shakes, her mind races, Alaska doesn't know what to do.

Then, the sound of her bedroom window creaking open echoes in the stillness. Alaska's heart skips a beat as she looks up to see Ellie standing there, her tall silhouette framed by the setting sun and the golden lamp.

But there's something different about her tonight. Her usual confident posture is gone. Ellie looks smaller, worn out. Broken.

Tears gloss her eyes and glisten on her cheeks. Alaska feels her heart shatter. She wishes she could just step forwards and wrap her arms around Ellie, console her and tell her that everything will be okay, even if that's a lie. But she refrains from doing so, because she can't help but feel tied to all of this.

"Ellie?" Alaska asks, her voice barely above a whisper, laced with concern. "What's going on?"

Ellie sniffles. She steps aside without saying a word, her gaze focused on the wooden floors. She stands there, hunches over, arms wrapped tightly around her own chest, as if she's trying to hold herself together.

Alaska knows that whatever happened is heavier than usual. She's never seen Ellie like this before.

"Joel and I had another fight," Ellie finally mutters, her voice low and hesitant, almost embarrassed.

Alaska's heart sinks. She feels that same rush of worry that always creeps up on her when Ellie speaks about Joel. They've always been close, even after everything they've been put through. Alaska knows how hard it had been for Ellie to let Joel in, and hearing about their fights makes her stomach tighten.

"About what?" Alaska hesitates to ask, taking a cautious step forward.

She normally wouldn't ask, but Ellie seems devastated by whatever had happened. She can't just brush it under the rug this time around.

Ellie looks up, her gaze finally falling on Alaska. Her eyes flash with something different. They darken. It's the kind of anger that burns with something much deeper, more painful– betrayal.

"I went to Saint Mary's," Ellie admits, her voice cracking like the words had been urging to escape.

Alaska freezes. Her eyes widen and her heart skips a beat. The weight of Ellie's words hit her like a punch to the gut. She'd known that this moment was bound to happen– she just hadn't expected it to happen like this, not with Ellie standing in front of her so... shattered.

"W-what do you mean?" Alaska stammers, her voice still trembling. She isn't ready to face the truth.

"I found a tape recording. Someone named Sybil Carver." Ellie continues, her eyes shining with the tears that threaten to escape once again.

Alaska shakes her head quickly, "Ellie, I–"

"Joel told me everything about what happened. The whole truth..." Ellie pauses, stepping closer, anger slowly rising with each little step. "And you knew. This whole time, you knew."

Alaska's chest tightens. She opens her mouth, desperate to let the words out, but they never do. Her mind races, heart pounding in her ears. She'd never thought this moment would feel like this– like her entire world is collapsing around her. The weight of her promise to Joel presses on her chest, suffocating her.

"I..." Alaska's breaths grow heavy. "I knew," she finally says, her voice shameful, barely above a whisper. She looks down at the floor. She can't lie anymore. "I knew everything."

Ellie's eyes widen, almost as if she hadn't quite believed the truth before, like Alaska finally admitting it makes it real. Her lips tremble as she struggles to contain her emotions. "You knew and you never told me?" Her voice is low, shaking with built up fury.

"I didn't have a choice," Alaska says with tense shoulders, almost pleading. "Joel begged me not to tell you. I promised him. I swore not to tell you."

Ellie's face twists and shapes with anger, her fists clenching at her sides. "You knew how much it meant to me, how lost I was, and you kept it from me." Her voice shatters. "Al, my life would've meant something."

Alaska looks up at her with the same hurt. "Your life already means something, Ellie. That's why Joel got you out of there." She crosses her arms over her chest in attempts at shielding herself. "You would've fucking died." Her voice lowers as she speaks.

"It was my choice to make. Not Joel's. Or your's. Or anyone else's." Ellie's voice grows stern, assertive. The words are like a stab, each one worse than the last.

Alaska looks down again, nothing but regret filling her up inside. "I just wanted to protect you."

"I don't need you to protect me," Ellie responds rather quickly, another loud pang to Alaska's chest. "I really trusted you."

There's a short silence, as if Ellie's waiting for Alaska to say something more. After everything, after two years of knowing each other, trusting each other, growing and learning from their fucked up pasts— neither of them had expected it to crumble down to quickly like this.

"I'm sorry," Alaska whispers, her voice small, trembling with guilt. "I never meant to hurt you. All I knew was that I never wanted anybody to feel how I felt as a kid. I didn't want you to go looking for them again." She explains, wiping tears away.

Ellie looks down, defeated. She doesn't say a word.

"There were so many times I wanted to tell you but I thought if I did, it would change everything. I thought it was too late, I didn't know what else to do." Alaska shrugs, conflicted, completely broken.

Ellie shakes her head, her eyes still filled with the tears she refuses to let fall. "You were the one person I thought might understand, and now..." she pauses, the same fury replacing the hurt. "Now I know you're just as bad as everyone else."

Alaska's heart shatters all over again, this time with a different kind of pain. Her guilt crushes her from the inside out. She'd tried to protect Ellie, but all she'd done is hurt her so much worse and betray her hard-earned trust. She'd kept the truth hidden for far too long, and now it's destroying everything they've built.

She's tried so hard to be a good person, to escape her destiny, to be something better than her mother, and all of the people she'd grown up with. Maybe there really is no escape to the cycle. Maybe Alaska really is just as bad as everyone else.

"You think you're the only one who's been hurt in all of this?" Alaska asks, her voice suddenly fierce, anger rising within her. It reminds of Sybil. "I grew up with these people– knowing everything. I knew about the vaccine. About you. And Joel. I had nothing to do with their decisions. Nothing. I just..." she pauses, letting out a deep breath. "I just had to survive. I had to keep my head down and my mouth shut, because God knows what they would've done if I hadn't."

Ellie lets out a sigh. Her face grows pale with something dark. Something cold. "That doesn't make it any better. You never said a word." Her voice drops to a dangerous whisper.

Alaska opens her mouth to respond, but the words die in her throat once again. Ellie's hurt and betrayal are written all over her face. And, although painful, Alaska can't blame her one bit. She knows there's nothing she can do or say to make it right.

Nothing at all.

"I can't do this," Ellie says, her voice thick with emotion. She lets out another defeated breath. "I can't talk to you anymore, Al. Not after this."

The words mutilate her, turn her into nothing short of grotesque. Ellie turns towards the bedroom door, her hand on the knob. But before she has the opportunity to go, Alaska leaps forward.

"Ellie, wait–" Alaska pleads, her heart sinking down to the empty pit in her stomach.

When she hears Alaska's voice, she turns, almost desperately, as if hoping that Alaska might be able to convince her to stay. Their eyes meet for one last moment before Ellie closes her eyes and sighs.

"Don't come near me. Don't talk to me. I don't wanna see you," she says, her voice still laced with anger, but also sadness and disappointment.

And, although the later flows through her words like snake venom, Alaska somehow sees through it. She knows, deep down, that all Ellie feels is overwhelming sadness. It might twist and turn, convince Ellie that it's rage, that she hates her, but Ellie doesn't think she could ever hate Alaska. Not fully.

With that, the bedroom door is slammed behind Ellie with a finality that leaves Alaska breathless. Empty.

author's notes.
— 1,660 words

i lied, this chapter is even shorter than the last one but honestly i don't think it required anything else. i told u it would be devastating... don't hate me.