one.      in my eyes

Alaska's black boots crunch over the frost-bitten ground. The scent of smoke and burning wood fills her senses. The thick rings around her fingers clink with each nervous movement. Dark eyeliner smudges around the blue of her eyes. Silver piercings decorate her ears and tiny floral tattoos dance along her wrists. Alaska pulls her jacket tighter around her body in attempts at blocking out the chill that seeps into her bones.

  Maria said that dressing up for the bonfire is tradition. She didn't know anything about dressing up, for she'd never had the luxury. All she knew was that she wanted to look like the edgy characters in her comic books.

  Jackson quickly became a refuge– a place to heal and rebuild. It's a place where she can truly be herself without fear. Yet, tonight, something is different. There's a weight in the air, a restlessness she can't quite place, a pressure on her chest. She hasn't been able to shake the feeling since she'd left the warmth of Tommy and Maria's place– her new home.

  The gathering is quite small, but filled with life nonetheless. Around the fire, nothing but laughter and the faint sound of Joel playing the guitar along with the crackling of the tall flames is heard. Somehow, the peacefulness of this simple moment makes Alaska forget about the foreboding silence that had once followed her every move.

  She spots some familiar faces– whether they're friends, shop owners, or people she's still getting to know. Her presence in Jackson is relatively new compared to most, but she already feels like she might really belong here.

  Alaska lets her eyes wander, yet they somehow always find Ellie. She doesn't know why. Maybe it's the subconscious knowledge of her hidden secret. The guilt that comes with it. Or maybe it's the fact that they've slowly and steadily begun to understand each other, to know the ins and outs of each other's souls.

  Ellie sits on a large log by the fire, her posture relaxed in the way that makes her seem like she owns the world. Her green jacket matches the color of her eyes, a stark contrast to the orange glow of the flames. Short pieces of her hair stick out and frame her face, bringing attention to the constellation of freckles across her skin.

  Beside her sits Cat, covered head to toe in black clothes with her tattoos peaking through each opening. Alaska has spoken to her a few times, particularly when she'd asked for her own tattoos. Cat is wild and loud, yet equally mysterious– Alaska admires her.

  Her heart beats a little faster at the sight. Alaska tells herself that it's just the nerves– the awkwardness of still being new to Jackson, trying to fit in. Yet, that flutter in her chest is unmistakable. It confuses her. Ellie speaks to Cat, leaning in ever so closely as they smile. It's the kind of closeness that makes Alaska wonder if anything is going on between them. Even if there is something there, Alaska has no right to feel any type of way. It's probably just a deep-rooted insecurity slowly making its way to the surface. After all, Ellie has always had some sort of natural magnetic pull.

  Alaska swallows the lump in her throat. She isn't supposed to feel this way. It's wrong. It feels wrong. She's their friend. This jealousy is foreign, it consumes her unintentionally.

  "Hey, Alaska!" A voice breaks through her thoughts.

  She looks over to see Dina and Jesse approaching the fire. Dina's dark curls bounce with each loud step, her energy infectious, while Jesse wears his signature mischievous grin.

  Alaska smiles. "Hey, guys," she greets them, her tone warmer than she'd expected. There's something about their presence that makes her feel less out of place.

  "You made it!" Dina exclaims with her usual excitement, which Alaska has quickly gotten used to, pulling her unto a quick hug. "I was starting to think you'd be a wallflower tonight."

  Alaska chuckles awkwardly, "Well... here I am," she mutters, stuffing her hands into her pockets.

  Jesse places a hand on her shoulder. "That's the spirit," he says with a smirk. "You can't hide behind the fire forever, Al." Jesse winks and gives a small nod towards Ellie, still deep in conversation with Cat.

  Alaska rolls her eyes immediately– Jesse has always teased Alaska whenever Ellie is around for no apparent reason. Yet, she can't help but feel a heat rise to her cheeks. She can't tell if it's from the fire or something much deeper.

  "Shut up," she mutters lightly, hoping her voice doesn't give away too much.

  Jesse leans in with that same grin. "I dunno. I think Cat might have some competition tonight." His voice drops to avoid being heard by anyone other than Alaska.

  Alaska merely shakes her head casually, looking down at her hands.

  "Christ, Jesse. Stop torturing the girl," Dina speaks up with her usual playful tone.

  Jesse gives Alaska a knowing look before dropping the topic. "Either way, the party's just getting started." He raises his tone, turning to Alaska. "Need a drink?"

  "If Maria catches me, I'm screwed. But..." Alaska begins as she glances around. "Fuck it," she shrugs. She figures she might need something strong to wash the bitter taste of uncertainty from her mouth.

  Alaska impulsively grabs the covered bottle in Jesse's hand and takes a big sip, letting the acidic taste burn her throat. Dina, ever the life of the party, swirls around to face the two. She grabs the guitar resting against a nearby bench. Joel is nowhere in sight to stop her. A few others nearly begin to cheer, motivating her to strum a lively tune for everyone to join in on.

  Jesse gives Alaska one last look before following Dina, once again leaving her to her own company. Alaska watches as her friends and neighbors laugh and sing, enjoying one's presence as if nothing else existed. She steps closer to the fire, her mind drifting back towards Ellie and Cat. Ellie's laughter, the way her eyes sparkle against the golden flames, Cat's response with a teasing grin– it makes Alaska feel something she's never felt before. A harsh sting to her chest.

  "Hey." A soft voice quickly breaks through her thoughts.

  Alaska immediately turns to see Ellie standing tall beside her with crossed arms and a familiar grin, her presence somehow grounding amidst the total chaos around them.

  "Hey," Alaska replies a little too quickly. She forces a smile in attempts at shaking off the feeling that's been creeping up on her all night. "How's it going?"

  Ellie shrugs, her hands stuffing into the pockets of her jacket. "Y'know. Same as usual. Just... enjoying the fire." She turns her gaze towards the flames. Alaska notices a hesitance. "Cat was telling me some insane stories. She's hilarious." Ellie chuckles to herself at the thought.

  Alaska's stomach twists, yet the smile on Ellie's face completely buries the feeling. "Yeah, she does," she smiles at the sight, still keeping a casual tone. "You two seem pretty close," she adds.

  Ellie immediately looks at her with the quick curl of her brow and squint of her eyes, barely noticeable to anyone but Alaska. "Yeah. She's a good friend."

  Alaska nods. "Right," she mutters, yet the word feels hollow in her mouth. She forces herself to look away, turning her attention back to the fire.

  There's a sudden weight to the moment, as if something unspoken hangs there between them. For a second, they stand in silence, the warmth of the flames flickering before them, the crackle of the fire filling the empty space.

  "I'm glad you came tonight," Ellie says quietly, breaking the silence with the natural softness of her voice. "I know it's not always easy." She looks down at her with a look of understanding.

  Alaska finally meets her gaze, and for a heartbeat, she feels something stir inside of her– something she isn't quite ready to confront, something that feels so close yet so far away. "Yeah," she says, her voice thick with emotion. "I'm... glad I'm here too."

  Before either of them could say anything else, Dina's voice rings from across the circle, pulling them away from their sudden daze. "Ellie!" she calls out. "Get over here and play us a song."

  Ellie gives Alaska one last look before approaching the crowd of people, nodding at Alaska to follow her along. They sit on a wooden bench, side by side, as Ellie begins to strum the guitar with ease. She'd been practicing with Joel lately, and although its strings are rusted and old, Ellie somehow manages to create a tune that sends the crowd into another universe. Alaska can't help but admire the way Ellie's expression conveys focus, the way her eyes light up when she plays.

  The tension between the two shifts completely and becomes something different. Yet, Alaska can't shake the feeling that something is changing– something she isn't sure she's ready for. Something she might not be able to ignore for much longer. Ellie had been one of the first people to accept her into Jakcson, and she still doesn't know what she'd done to deserve that.

  Maybe asking herself that question is pointless. Maybe she should just accept the fact that not everyone will expect something in return. Maybe this permanent unconditional kindness truly does exist after all.

  As the night wears on, the fire grows brighter. The laughter never quite dies down, and Alaska is convinced she's never felt this embraced. It's like she's completely forgotten about the heaviness on her shoulders and the stab in her chest. Finally, it feels like she belongs.

***

          Golden fluorescence lights the bedroom, the warmth forever reminding her of the fire's flames. A lamp made of transparent glass sits on her bedside table along with countless hand-made candles that scatter across her dresser. Alaska simply lays her back on her bed, staring at the wall beside her— a wall dedicated to the photographs she manages to collect over time. She's gotten into the habit of capturing moments, pieces of happiness she never thought she'd have. The wall is dotted with photos, old and new, memories she can't afford to forget.

  Her eyes scan across each picture, their intricate placements memorized. Several photos of Alaska and Ellie when they first met and had been forced on patrols with Tommy and Joel, others with Dina and Jesse when she'd been forced to third-wheel, a few with Tommy and Maria during family gatherings– this wall holds the people she cares for the most.

  Alaska sticks a new Polaroid photo onto the wall with a piece of tape.

  To be honest, she hadn't noticed when it was taken. All she knows is that it had been taken by Dina during the bonfire earlier. The dark exposure of the trees consumes the four corners. At the center sits Ellie with her guitar at hand and Alaska beside her, their faces illuminated by the orange fire. Dina had handed the photo to Alaska after Ellie had run off with Joel.

  Alaska can't help but smile to herself at the sight– the physical proof of something that feels so real, yet so damn confusing. Her heart beats faster in her chest. She doesn't know why. Just the thought of that moment, how she hadn't been able to focus on anything other than Ellie, as if the rest of the world had been tuned out, as if they had purely existed for each other.

  She lets out a sigh and looks away from the wall. This feeling in her chest, it's wrong. Ellie is her friend and nothing else. Simply her first friend since arriving at Jackson. The first person to accept her and not ask questions about where she came from because, deep down, they both had haunting pasts that were too hard to speak of. That's all they'd ever be.

  Alaska doesn't crave more. At least, she doesn't think so. Wanting something more might just lead to a disaster. Plus the guilt in the depths of her soul, the knowledge of this secret she keeps from her closest friend– creating something more would make that betrayal much harder to bear.

  Alaska decides to distract herself. She digs through her dresser and picks up her journal, laying on her stomach at the end of her bed with a pencil in her grasp. She hasn't written much since arriving in Jackson. Her past has always been a heavy thing, something she's never been able to fully process or confront head-on. Yet, tonight, the words begin to flow.

  Jackson is so different. I think today
made me realize that. It's nothing like
the Fireflies. Nothing like Sybil. Here,
everything is a little easier.

  She pauses, tapping her pencil against the page. Jackson has become more than just a place for survival and refuge. It's truly beginning to feel like home.

  Her thoughts wander back to the bonfire. The warmth of the fire, the laughter amongst friends, the look in Ellie's eyes. It all felt so different from the coldness she'd known as a kid. She'd spent so many years just trying to survive, but now, finally, it feels like she's alive.

  Her chest tightens. The feeling of being wanted, of belonging somewhere– it's something she'd never had. Not truly. She recalls her mother's taunting words, the abandonment. Sybil had never given her anything that resembled love and care. Her childhood had been a constant scramble for something to hold onto, to distract her from the chaos and death. All she ever had was foggy moments with Billy, her mother's broken promises, and a hollow void in her chest.

  I'm convinced Sybil hated me.
She never let me have anything of
my own. Not even the right to feel
safe. Not even the right to love. Or
be loved.

  Alaska holds the end of her pencil against her chin. She thinks about what else she might wish to get off her chest. But before she can decide, before she can drag the tip of the pencil against the pale paper, she hears a sharp knock to her bedroom window.

  Her heart leaps into her throat, and she immediately sits up, startled out of her thoughts. The dim lighting of her room allows her to see exactly who'd been standing there. She lets out a sigh of relief when she notices Ellie sliding the window open with a faint creek.

  Her pulse still hammers in her chest as she looks up at Ellie shimmying through the window, her familiar green jacket slightly askew. Ellie's breath is heavier than usual, her eyes wide as she glances over her shoulder, as if expecting someone to have followed her. There's something about her posture suggesting that she'd just run away– though from what, Alaska doesn't know.

  Alaska impulsively grabs a pillow from the opposite end of her bed and tosses it in Ellie's direction. "You scared me!" she whispers to avoid awakening Tommy or Maria in the next room.

  Ellie is caught off guard by the pillow when it hits her shoulder. She leans down to pick it up, "First of all," she begins as she throws it back towards Alaska. "Ow." She mutters with an emotionless look.

  Alaska is unimpressed by Ellie's reaction. "What are you doing here?"

  Ellie hesitates, stepping fully into the room now, her eyes flicking to the walls, the floor, anything but Alaska's face. "I, uh... had a fight with Joel." Her voice is low, almost ashamed.

  Alaska raises an eyebrow, confused, but also trying to gauge the situation. "Joel?" She asks, unsure of why exactly they'd fight.

  The two have had their ups and downs since Alaska's arrival, but never enough for Ellie to need an immediate escape. Plus, Alaska had seen them earlier during the bonfire. Neither of them seemed upset.

  "Yeah." Ellie sighs, running her hand against the side of her face, looking more frustrated than ever. "I dunno. He's been... on my case, and it just– it feels like every damn thing I do is wrong." Her eyes drop for a moment, as if embarrassed by her own vulnerability.

  Alaska still doesn't understand why Ellie had ended up in her bedroom, of all places.

  She's quiet for a moment as she studies Ellie. She notices the familiar tension in her jaw, the way she avoids meeting her gaze for too long. It's clear that Ellie is hurt, but Alaska doesn't know how to fix it. Instead, she'll do what she always does when she doesn't know the answers– listen.

  "Wanna talk about it?" Alaska asks softly, setting her journal aside. She makes space for Ellie to sit on the bed beside her, her own heart aching just a little.

  Ellie shrugs but sits down anyway, still glancing at the floor. "Not really. I just... needed some air." Her voice lowers. She hesitates again, then adds, "You're the first person I thought of."

  Alaska feels that same harsh thumping in her chest. It's less scary this time around. She can't help but smile to herself. She doesn't press any further about Ellie's situation, instead letting the quiet fill the room between them, the only sound being the occasional rustle of the wind and the chirping crickets in the distance.

  For some reason, the silence is less terrifying. Less empty.

  Alaska quickly stands from her spot and places her journal on her cluttered dresser. The dim lights and scented candles make the place feel warm despite the chill that creeps up on them. Maybe that's why Ellie had chosen to come here in the first place.

  "So, uh..." Alaska nervously scratches the back of her neck as she turns towards Ellie. "Wanna watch a movie or something?" She suggests, breaking the silence.

  Ellie nods, seemingly distracted by something else.

  Alaska kneels by her small TV, getting a hold of a wooden crate that'd been hiding beside it, placing it at the end of her bed.

  "Okay." She begins with a sigh, looking through the movie discs with her brows curled together. "Jesse and Dina stole my CD's for their dumb date night, so pick one." She holds up two different movie boxes.

  When she looks up, she notices that Ellie had switched spots, now standing by the wall of photographs. She's seen this wall countless times, as it's one of the only things that remains consistent whenever Alaska decides to rearrange her bedroom. Only this time, Ellie notices the photo that Alaska had just put up.

  Her gaze lingers on the wall for longer than Alaska had expected. Ellie's fingers brush along the edges of a few different photographs, but her eyes remain on the particular one.

  Alaska feels her breath catch, her chest tightening just a little. She studies Ellie's reaction carefully. The way her eyes soften ever so slightly– almost like this photograph is a secret shared between them, something that neither of them have said aloud, something the two are still figuring out on their own.

  Ellie looks over, her gaze meeting Alaska's, and for a brief moment, they both feel it– the mutual understanding, the silent tension hanging in the air, suffocating them, leaving them addicted. Neither of them say anything because they don't need to. The weight of it lingers, unspoken yet undeniable.

  "Did Dina take this?" Ellie finally speaks.

  Alaska blinks. She finds herself speechless. "Oh, yeah, she gave it to me after you left." She tries to stay casual, feeling something peculiar rise in her chest and fall to her stomach.

  Ellie simply nods and smiles to herself, not knowing that Alaska sees it perfectly. It's as if they both feel a certain way when they see each other through the photograph, the way it manages to capture them in such a raw moment. It mutually awakens something inside of them, as if they can see the simple truth. There's a sense of nervousness that consumes Alaska and she has no idea why. She doesn't particularly dislike this feeling, however, it feels very different from anything else.

  Alaska forces herself to look away as she sets up the old TV. Ellie hadn't picked a movie, so Alaska settles for a random one– not that it matters which movie they watch. She can't help but feel a strange sense of peace wash over her. Ellie is here, in her room, with her. For the first time, it doesn't feel like an illusion, a fleeting moment. This is something she could hold onto.

  Once the movie starts, Alaska's worries seem to vanish entirely. The two lay beside one another, not an ounce of awkwardness within their close proximity. Alaska listens to Ellie's rambles, but soon, her voice becomes a soft murmur. Alaska's eyes grow heavy, the warmth of Ellie's presence, the closeness between them, lulling her into a deep sleep.

  When Alaska's head dips and falls onto Ellie's shoulder, she isn't bothered by it. It feels natural, if anything. Her chest explodes. It's comforting, yet terrifying. It's something that Ellie is afraid of feeling again.

author's notes.
— 3,533 words

boom shakalaka here's the first chapter. as you can see, alaska is still adjusting to jackson but she's made good friends with several of the characters. she still struggles to find her place while juggling this intense feeling for ellie, her best friend. lesbian canon event i fear.