Blame it! Death haunted my dreams every time I closed my eyes — in some ditch, shot or stabbed by a blade — in the middle of a charge trampled by a horse. I smoothened down my eyebrows. My hand roamed through a pile of sweat. Calm down, Jabari. That is not going to happen.

Were Polly and my son sleeping well? At least it was far better than me for this night. Goosebumps hardened on my arm. Laying on the overgrown grass, I had itched almost every part of my body. I turned, shifted, and even took off my shirt and coated it on the ground. How the others had managed to sleep in this torture was shocking. The earth seemed to move as ants and whatever else crawled across my body. For everyone I hit, five more seem to come. Men snored or whispered, insects chirped, and the animals made their calls and warnings. It didn't help that everything around me was pitch black except the light coming from the outpost and Fort Briggs.

No tents, we hadn't earned them yet, Major Myres had spat. One night in the cold would harden a man. At least it didn't rain. The only mercy sent our way.

Taking in the skunk scent that carried on the cold wind, I whispered, "I am going to survive this. Nothing will stop me from coming home."

"Only death lingers here," voices said, trailing in the wind.

So many of them were almost deafening, with an eerie chill that crawled across my body. I covered my ears, but the words still penetrated.

"They can't escape?"

"Doomed! They are all doomed!"

"It is their fate just like ours."

My heart thumped. "You're not real," I muttered. "You don't exist," as I was closing my eyes, a shimmering blue light caught my gaze.

"James," I whispered to no response.

A tall figure stood above me. From the shape, it was a mature woman. It was emitting a glowing grey light. Why do you keep following me? You're gone. You're dead. This isn't real.

Her body turned to face me, tears of blood in her eyes, the noose still tightly around her neck. It was the same expression I had seen that day when I had arrived home.

You're not real.

"James," I called again, raising my voice slightly higher, outstretching my hand to the left and reaching for his arm. My hand ended up in a handful of knotty hair. "James!"

"I am up, Jabari," James said as he pushed my hand aside.

The light was gone, and so was the figure, as if it was not there in the first place. I exhaled as my heart pounded in my chest and my head hit back into the grass. It was nothing, only stress.

"What?" James asked.

"What time is it?"

I heard him shuffling inside of his clothes. "Soon time for the sun to rise."

"You slept?" I asked as men coughed beside us.

His voice lowered. "Not a pinch really? How about you?"

"Hard to close my eyes."

"Argh, fuck, my hands still burn."

I chuckled. "Mine too, I am sure we all share that sentiment."

"Yeah and I am fucking hungry too."

"Don't think about it too much. We had these days before."

"That was a long time ago."

"Not so much so James about twenty maybe twenty three years back. I could still see it. Mom and Dad on our first day of freedom. Hardly anything to our names but the word free. Back then he would say —"

"That this freedom was just a lie," James said. "I remember, him begging back for work barely getting anything in return and starving like I am now and your mother — forget it."

"Okay."

"Right now there isn't a single scrap to eat. Blame it."

"Not what you expected, James?"

"I didn't expect them to treat us so roughly like damn cattle. Fuck that Major."

"You knew what we were getting into. If anything you could have at least warned me."

"This wasn't what I was told, Jabari."

I drew closer to James. My hand rubbed on the slithering patches of grass and soft dirt between us. "What were you told?"

James scoffed. "Sign up. They only want numbers, easy money. Good food and women visit the fort."

"At least the numbers part was right."

James cleared his throat. "Arigina just plays the waiting game easily for seven years and only moves to stop the others."

"The easy way as always James? Nothing is ever that simple."

"It was supposed to be the best way." James muttered to himself. "The sheriff didn't tell me that they would be handing me my ass."

Sheriff? What? James didn't mention that to me before. I scratched my head as I recalled his words. He wanted to come clean and start a new life and the army would do it for him. That's what you told me. You need work, Jabari. Let us do this together. That's what —

"Jabari?" James called.

I responded to my name but remained silent as James babbled on from one unfinished conversation to the next. Not long before, the sun rose to reveal us all scattered on the ground. The warmth dived into my body as the bugle horned, and the fort's door opened. Soldiers walked through officers among them and the Major leading from the front. Some of the recruits were stirring, but most were still not on their feet.

"James, they're coming."

He looked at me, nodding, sluggishly standing.

I looked at the men around me as I stood up, observing the luggage bags around us. "The major is coming!" I shouted, taking my shirt off the ground and putting it back on. More men got up voicing complaints. Where was Carson? I shouted one more time before Major Myres, and my eyes met.

A smile on his face. "Wake up you sacks of shit! Give them a wake up call!" An offkey tune blared from what looked like a musical instrument. The bastard was enjoying this. The remaining men got the message as officers passed, hitting those still on the ground or those out of line as I saw them coming. I peered at the line to ensure I was in it correctly and assisted those who had moved around me.

"Thank you," said the ivory skin man beside me.

"Here they come," James whispered as the officers drew near. Men's screams followed.

I swallowed my saliva as the first approached. The first soldier eyed me up and down before moving on. Richard was behind him. He gave a quick nod, his face written with discomfort. I exhaled as screams came from behind me. When it was done, everyone was in line. The Major addressed us.

"How was your first night?" he asked and paused. The men knew better from their short experience to respond; from where he was standing, Major Myres was out of my view. He wasn't on horseback and was blocked by the four lines of men and towering further was the outpost. The men were sweating, with a lingering odor from the grim of yesterday.

"I hope you enjoyed it because you all stink! The Major's voice was shifting as he moved further down. Before anything you will bathe, you bunch of mongrels then build some latrines. Then the second task today you will learn and build your own tents and then some of you might be given first picks to a tent while others get to them at random. Now then, march with me! By the end of the week! You will know how to do it properly."

We followed Major Myres up and down the hill to where a lake sat surrounded by trees. He stopped and shouted to us further where we would gather water to bring back to the camp before giving us a quick time limit to bathe. Men disrobed and entered by line. I waited my turn taking my clothes off and putting them on the cleanest part of the bank as the next person got out from the time I dipped myself in the water. Cold. It was merely enough to get the essentials done, and time was up.

Turning James had that look of that wasn't enough. We both got out naked as we were born. I grabbed my clothes.

"Next!" Myres shouted. "After this you go into four groups. Those who will build the tents, those who will chop the wood, those will dig the ditches for fortifications and those who will temporarily gather water."

Another officer directed us to follow the others. I followed the direction of his hand, realizing that the men were cutting trees with axes. Rather they were making a muck of cutting a tree after being shown. We gathered closer, Richard was on my right, and a crowd had formed around those chopping. None of them were working together, each was on a separate tree, and these trees were thick.

"The latrines?" James said as he put his shirt over his head.

"It looks so," I said, adjusting my pants and pushing a branch out of the way.

"Do we all have to cut the goddamn trees?" James asked out loud, catching the eyes of the crowd.

"Of course," Richard replied.

James' eyes shifted in a panic. "I meant... what I was saying...."

"I don't mind giving it a try," I said. "We all need it and if we can make it easier for us let's get it done. The more hands the better."

Men nodded approvingly.

I had spoken in the spur of the moment but now, with the heavy ax in my hand and watching the quick demonstration Richard showed me. I knew it would be some time before I had the hang of this.

"Good luck," Richard said as he tapped my back.

I stepped forward, observing that cutting the same tree would go down easier if we worked together. I went to the man who had gotten the furthest on his. He seemed to have some experience compared to everyone else.

"Let us take turns," I said, "Should be a lot easier."

The man grunted, shirt off on the ground by his feet as he swung his ax, the wood chips scattering in the air. Scars were laced in a pattern over his back.

With the first swing, the ax vibrated in my hand. I tugged hard, and it released with the next swing; however, the tree caught the ax. I pulled, but it wouldn't let go.

"Blame it!" I said as I pushed and pulled until it finally released. Men chuckled slightly behind me.

"You have to chop at an angle." The scarred man pointed. "Chop from there and we will bring it down faster."

I followed his instruction, and within a few moments, the tree was felled. From there, we moved on to the next and the next. Others, noticing this, tried to copy what we were doing instead of working against each other. A larger crowd had gathered, but there were more people than axes.

Richard smiled. "You others come with me, we are going back to the camp to grab some buckets and gather water. When that's done you will help move some of the wood back to camp."

Within the crowd that left was James. He should be okay. That was an easier task. The crowd dispersed, and only one officer remained in blue. The man drew a cigarette and smoked without paying us any mind.

"Thanks," the scarred man said to me.

"Thanks for what?" I asked.

"Getting us to work together. If we hadn't we would still be here all now with hardly as much work done. The action inspired the rest.They might not say it but they know it. Everyone was dreading today and you lightented it a bit." He wiped the sweat from his forehead. "So thanks, let's get back to it."

"Yeah lets get back to it."

When we met the quota of trees that were needed. The hauling process began, and some of the gathered crowd were back to move the tumbled trees. Pulling and tugging, the trees were taken back under Richard's watchful eye. James was not among them, and as I joined them, we made it back to the fort with the sun falling northwest. On the hill, with the outpost looking down, I saw men pitching tents outside. A few were done but not nearly enough to hold all of us. Others were digging a long ditch as we dragged the wood further in and stopped next to the stacked wood piles. Another officer nodded in approval.

Major Myres' mouth bellowed. "Do you want to sleep on the ground tonight fresh fish?Have those tents set up. Get the campfire running with the fire wood and I want a start on those fortifications."

On my right, men were lying down on their clothing, separated from everyone else. James stood among them, holding his leg and moaning.

"What happened to them?" I asked Richard, who stood beside me.

"Injuries," he replied, "everyone here probably has some."

"Why aren't the sawbones down here then."

"One came and checked but said that they aren't that serious." Richard scratched his head and quickly surveyed as his voice lowered. "He even said a few might be faking it."

"Richard, I would like to help them before any other duties gets put on us."

Richard's eyes lingered on me before he took a deep breath. "I won't ask why. Go ask the surgeon if he needs any help."

"Thank you."

Men murmured to themselves as I headed to the sawbone, crouched down overlooking the men. His foot sank in the dirt as he scratched his thick beard. A scar ran from his cheek to the lips of his tan skin.

"To believe they would assign me with them," the sawbones muttered.

"Can I help you, I asked.

The man squinted his eyes and looked up at me. "Help me?" his eyes trailed on me. "Fresh fish. Are you trying to skip as well?"

"No,sir, only help. I would do whatever is required if you need it. If no help is needed I will return to my duties."

He kept his gaze. "Go get me some herbs from Fort Briggs." He paused in thought for a moment. "Tell them that you want it for gashes, bruises and broken bones. They will know what I mean and tell them to send someone else. The fresh fish are dropping down like flies."

"If they ask who sir?"

"Tell them that Assistant Surgeon Alexander Myer sent you." His eyes fell back to the men on the ground.

I turned and started walking towards the fort, passing the men moving to and fro, setting up the tents, digging a ditch, and breaking down the large chunks of lumber. The officers didn't seem to be pushing the men too hard, and although one or two had stopped me from the mention of assisting the assistant surgeon, they let me go my way. A familiar voice called my name as I passed by the men digging ditches. Following the noise, a smile lit my face. It was Carson. His hands were drenched in the dirt.

I waved my hand at him and continued walking towards the fort. It was a completely different air up here. For one, the beaten oppression was gone, but a new glare remained in its place. The two guards in their brown uniforms stood outside and eyed me up and down, not hiding their disdain.

"You lost fresh fish," the guard at the gate said as the two blocked the path.

I came to a stop. "I have instructions from assistant surgeon Alexander Myer."

"I can take them from you," he replied. "You haven't earned the rank to be up here."

I shook my head from side to side. "Thanks, but this was something he told me to handle myself. Besides, can you really abandon your post?"

The smile faded as he took back his position. "Go, get out of my sight, fresh fish be quick about your business." As I passed him. He remarked. "I will let you win this one cannon fodder."

I walked forward, stumbling my way to the sawbones station asking questions of direction along the way. When I finally got there, I knocked on the door and entered. The space was dark, but on my left, behind a counter, I was greeted by three men in deep conversation smoking cigarettes. They stopped and looked up at me.

"Can I help you with something?" the smallest of the men asked.

"Soldiers have been injured and Alexander Myer requested herbs."

He looked me up and down. "You mean the fresh fish?"

I nodded.

"They probably just need some cocaine to get them going. Fight off that fatigue," the man said as he stepped forward and ducked his head behind a counter. The raking sound of cupboards opening and slamming continued as he stopped now and then.

The sawbones grabbed parcels as he went and muttered to himself, placing them into bags and then handing them to me.

"That's everything he should need."

"Thank you. Is there anything you can take for stress?" I asked.

"Stress?"

The door opened as soldiers entered.

"Don't worry about it. Thank you again."

I returned to the camp and delivered the items Alexander asked for. With a grunt, he seemed happy with what he had gotten, and I dismissed myself and headed back to where I had seen Carson. The men were muttering about the hard night as they finished the tents. No one seemed to want a repeat.

"Carson," I said as I entered the pit to work, grabbing a nearby shovel. "Where the hell have you been?"

He chucked as we worked. "I could ask you the same."

We worked for hours in the sun. Digging under direction shouts and the yells of the Major. So much for the sound of the bugle or the need for water. Many collapsed due to fatigue and were just carted off. James was back, but the man did more standing than actual working, despite my initial warning. I noticed he was one of the men that was faking it.

Still, it was almost as if the Major had something to prove, and I was nearing my limit. Richard called my name.

"Jabari, the lieutenant, requests your presence tomorrow."

James gave me a wary eye.

What the hell did he want?

#

Nothing ever comes for free, my father would say. A former slave less so.

So after being called to the fort and singled out by Lieutenant Albert himself. My mind couldn't help but wonder what I had done wrong or what exactly did he want?

Under a burning gaze, I waited outside the only wall-building headquarters in the fort reserved for the high-ranking officers. I was pouring sweat, which made me fidgety and scratch. There was no shade to shift to, and I already had a long day of hard labor, and it showed. I hunched over, exhausted, like an old pod on his last leg. It had to be about midday from the sun's position. My lips were dry, so dry it stung down the middle.

Women jawed from behind my back with buckets upon their heads. The boys in camp only spoke about these women in their free time to the point that they avoided their gaze. The penalty was harsh for even touching a single woman. Whipping for lingering stares and rape equals death. Still, the rules didn't stop men from looking.

Right now, I was probably an odd sight in their eyes compared to who was in front of me. Two regular soldiers stood guarding the door. From the green uniform, they had to be from the cavalry division. They both looked at me with disdain. It showed clearly like the day in their eyes. Maybe it was the rags I wore, my stance seemed to mock them upright, or the color of my skin.

Deep down, I knew it was my skin. What was a nigga like me doing outside the officer's headquarters? You might tell a man he is free, you might say to the people he is free, but you can never influence the hearts and minds of people. Rumors carried about the boy-loving captain, which made me wary of Albert. What if he also was like him? I pushed the thought to the back of my mind. Who was he? No officer treated him like the rank that he had.

I wiped my brow. At this rate, I wouldn't get any time for myself, and as my eyes wandered back to the wooden entrance gate of the fort, the door in front of me opened. The soldier's posture changed as Albert stepped through the door towards me. His uniform seemed to gleam. The two of us couldn't be any different.

"It is good that you came quickly, Jabari. I wanted to speak with you alone."

From the guards' glare, I realized I had forgotten to salute. I fumbled a half salute more comical than meaningful, and Albert continued without paying it any mind.

He motioned with his hand like a man straight out of a play. "Let's find some shade." Albert walked forward — no, the man strutted as though he was in a class to himself.

"Sir," I responded, sheepishly following behind.

"You don't have to say that now that we are one on one. I heard that the men in the company and others outside of it see you in high regard."

"Really?" I said, "I think I only do enough, sir."

"Some surgeons spoke highly of you too."

"The Sawbones did ?"

Albert chuckled. "Is that what you call them?"

"Apologize, I meant the surgeon."

"Yes, neglecting yourself to gather any medicine for downed or injured men. Carrying dehydrated men yourself."

"I am just doing what I can to help," I said. "If I didn't, I am sure someone else would."

"Would they?" Albert muttered almost to himself.

As we walked, people either moved out of the way or stopped for us to pass. Albert came to an area shaded away from prying ears and halted.

The beginning phase of another barracks was what I made of the small wooden structure. It blocked the sun's pressure from my head. It was like back in Mannorland. I was convinced he was a noble or well-respected gentleman.

I felt his gaze. It was like a vulture looking upon his meal. His shoulder dropped and rested on the wall as the rooster crowed.

Was this man like the captain? I swallowed my saliva, thinking about what was next. I tighten my fist behind my back. My choice of words might determine where I go within the army and the safety of my ass. Answer correctly, Jabari, firm but respectful. I can do that.

"Can you read Jabari?"

"Huh?"

"Read or you good at it?"

I shifted on my legs. "No, sir."

Albert rubbed his chin. "There is potential in you, Jabari, but if you want to get further and make yourself more. You have to put in the work." The bugle sounded, and Albert lifted his shoulder off the wall. "Meet with me every day. I will teach you vocabulary and how to read. Come back here at the same time and I will know your seriousness."

Motioning out of the fort, I headed back down to my position. Why did Albert want to help me? Men dug ditches around the side of the camp in a line to the fort, airing the lungs as dirt flew.

"Where did you go?" James asked as I got into the familiar ditch and dug. Six other men were in proximity with senior staff, overlooking us now and then.

"Mind your own business," Carson replied.

"I ain't talking to you," James said.

Carson spat on the ground. "But I am answering. You ain't do a single piece of work."

James continued, "Jabari, you got anything I can use to gamble with. Men are gambling their rations and we can win big."

"James, you have lost every time you did that," my voice raised, catching glances.

James noticed the stares and did the bare minimum. The shovel motioned more than his body did.

Carson murmured with a stare at James. I could not determine what, but from a glance, I knew they were laced with complaints.

The other men nearby muttered to Carson's words. Some were nearly naked, while others wrapped their heads from the beating sun. Adam's ale was scarce and a commodity given as a reward. Under the guidance of Sergeant Major Myres, this was part of training. A soldier must be prepared for anything.

In the corner, a young lad with yellow teeth stared at us. There was deep anger within his eyes. I continued digging. His stare was nothing new, one of many we would get through.

The next day, I showed up. I was curious. It played on my mind the whole night, and sleep eluded me with the bodies snoring around me. If I stood in high regard with Albert, my son and woman could profit. I could teach both James and Carson what I learned. I waited by the building. We agreed to meet and found a familiar face. The burly guy with the bags of luggage I had carried into the fort stood seated on the wooden floor inside. His shirt off exposed his muscular hairy chest. The man was intimidatingly massive. We both raised an eyebrow at seeing the other before a single questioning word could come from us.

Albert's voice rang out. "Good, you're both here." He stepped inside, resting himself upon one of the frames.

"Why is he here?" we said and pointed at each other.

Albert chuckled, placing his hand on his head. "Well, I didn't want to be teaching you both in secret." Lowering his hand. "Besides, you both seem to know each other."

"We do kind off," I said.

"He helped me back when we had to first run to camp. We didn't exchange names. My name is Stuart."

"Jabari," I said, extending my hand over to him. Stuart got up and shook my hand. The man towered over me. His hand encompassed mine, heavy, rough, with an added squeeze and a crooked smile.

"Well then, let's get started," Albert said, his eyes trailing off in the distance. "We have limited time."

Albert made the pair of us look like fools as he first used vocabulary I had never heard or spoken before in my life.

Albert had said that one must speak like a gentleman to be taken seriously in fine company.

The way he rolled his tongue, it all just seemed so flowery. The bugle boomed before Stuart, and I hadn't even gotten the hang of the new words.

Learn. Practice. Remember. Albert let those words hang as we left.

Hiking back down, Stuart signaled with his hand as we separated, and I was back in a ditch, digging again beside Carson. James was nowhere to be found. From Carson's dirt-caked face, I knew that he wasn't returning. Above Richard stood in uniform inspecting. He gave me a friendly nod standing alongside other soldiers. Our line was packed heavier today with men tolling.

Today was going to be another hard day.

"Where did he go?" I asked Carson.

"Where do you think Jabari?" Carson glanced at me momentarily before throwing me his canteen. I caught it. "He is either gambling with that prog you gave him or slacking off. A waste."

I spat almost air on the ground. The heat was getting to me, and I put the canteen to my mouth, and a few meager drops touched my lip.

Dirt flew as Carson's voice went out of breath. "They haven't really been keeping a tight check on us all so if he wanders up and down it might seem like he might be doing something. Where have you been disappearing off to in that fort on our break?"

"I will discuss it after all of this," I said, wiping my sweat and clawing the tool into the ground.

Carson's brow rose in intrigue, and his focus lingered on me, but the bags underneath told me he hadn't slept well.

I couldn't tell him everything, but I would give him an incentive to learn after getting the basics down. Who knew if this was also some test being placed on Stuart and me?

The next few days were repeats of the same digging and teaching. Carson was intrigued as I explained my learning to read and write. I just didn't say who, but it was a secret that I knew he would keep. Albert was consistent. He had even gotten Richard to prep us even further into being an officer. All of this, and we still hadn't made headways in either promotion or learned enough to write. What was Albert really after? I felt my father's warning creeping on me as friendly as he was. Nothing ever comes for free. Whatever it was, I wouldn't let it get me down. A promotion could do wonders for me, and I knew it. That is why I was here, and so was Stuart too. If things go well, we will all have our uniforms on.